ramblings on cravings for a female lover and expectation-free-AND-emotionally-intense romance
Lately I've been craving a female lover. And this weirds me out a lot because usually, I'm attracted first to the person and then to the body regardless of what shape the body may be. Right now I am craving close, intimate touch with a specifically female person (cis or trans, I don't care). And that makes me wonder -- what meaning do I attach to female-bodiedness? What is it? because it's not genital craving; it's not actually things that are exclusive to being female -- but it is physical things that I associate with female-bodiedness. It's soft faces and deliberate movement and rounded breasts and waists that flare to hips. I've recently had dreams about sex with three different female casual friends. The only common thread is that I know them pretty well and am attracted to them as people, but not in a want-to-date or even a want-to-fuck kind of way.
Maybe it's connected to me feeling a need for self-love, or a need to be affirmed as a romantic figure? That last bit sounds odd but I do associate female-female touch as so much more romantic than male-female. (I don't believe this is an inherent thing, but it is my current emotional response to the idea)
All of this is really odd in the context of my relationship with Kyle because we don't relate as male-female, we relate as person-person, in a really deep and profound way. I feel like we've stripped away almost all of the heteronormativity in our sex and our communication. Perhaps not in our romance? hmmm.
Or, a more hopeful and spiritual take on it -- perhaps there is space being created for a person who is soon to enter my life?
Speaking of which, I feel weirdly like I can't have both free-flowing label-less relationships AND deep intense relationships. Not that I am incapable of doing it, but I worry that I won't find a person who wants to jump in the deep end with me without having any expectations on time or role, and I SUCK at wading in slowly. I dunno. There are two people (one male & one female, both genderqueer) who've been on my mind SO MUCH lately but I feel like they're both wade-in-slowly people and I don't even know how to do that. I really have experienced only one kind of relationship -- moving right from strangers to deeply-connected-intensely-sharing-lovers. How does one go about it otherwise? and why would one? I feel like I'm far too impatient, and intimacy is too easy for me. It's like counting on your fingers when you could just multiply -- it's just TEDIOUS. I've gotten spoiled with people like Kyle and Hannah (and certain ex-lovers).
It doesn't help that I seem to be incapable of flirting or maybe I only flirt with people who are not interested and thus ignore my flirts from politeness.
Maybe the solution is to have someone in my life who I can share genderfree romance with without being serious -- but who does that? :-/ agh. I dunno. Why does emotional intensity always get conflated with commitment/expectation? Why can't I just be SUPER-EFFUSIVE-JAMES without being perceived as WANTS-TO-SUBSUME-YOU-JAMES? and maybe I wouldn't be, I dunno. Maybe I'm putting negative expectations out because I'm scared of rejection. I think I'm extra scared because the people I want are part of this super-tight clique and I feel like there's only a slim chance I can become part of the group anyway and if I make someone feel awkward then my chances are less. And I'm attracted to more than one but I don't want to say so because I'm afraid that they'll think I'm treating them as interchangeable and just want an "in." BAH.
Acting out of fear leads away from what you want, Bel, so find a way to face this.