Temper, Temper

[beingcricket]

One of my favorite bloggers, Bluz Dude, posted about an interesting subject a while back. I’d originally intended to answer right away, but life has been a bit goofy, so it took me a while to get back to him. The post was titled Argument Clinic, and he went on a bit of a rant about women’s style of arguing (yeah, his female commenters loved that

Comments

[wallybat]

oh such a typical man to blame something a woman does on irrational hormones! heh

i'm guilty of all the above, but in the last few years i've tried to take a breath and tell him what he just said makes me feel and then state my case. "what you just said makes me feel like you aren't listening to me and that hurts me" which is better than "you never listen!"

i've also taken to walking away from impending battles because it's not worth it to go through the argument/fight/stomp away/makeup phase.

i've also identified when my reaction has been partially hormonal and acknowledged it but also reiterated what my concern is.

just because women argue differently doesn't make us wrong or illogical. man just need to be able to identify what's going on and not fall into the name calling BS.

[beingcricket]

Tom has told me several times that he appreciates my owning up to being influenced by hormonal times and then apologizing for it (*during* the time). And, he is always careful not to point out that it might be causing my impatience, etc., so we meet in the middle on that one, but like you said, we've needed to discuss actual issues during it, too, and it helps that he doesn't dismiss EVERYthing just because I'm more emotional than usual when a disagreement comes up during that time.

I really like how you expand what you want to say instead of the typical phrase that doesn't tell him much. It makes such a difference to take it that one step further, right?

[evelynnash]

This is such a great response, because it makes sense of why some women argue the same way. It's not just "the women you date are crazy or illogical" but "here's what the women you date might be thinking".

You remind me so much of myself, especially in #1. I'm really happy to do things for Kamran since I come home early and have lots of free time that he doesn't have, but if I take out his trash four nights in a row and he complains on the fifth night that I filled up the trashcan and didn't do anything about it, shit is going to fly.

I also love your thought about not burning any bridges. Like you, I consider myself a top-notch arguer, so I usually throw myself into a fight just to come out on top. I need to try to remember in the moment that it's not about winning nor losing but forming a stronger bond.

[beingcricket]

Thank you! The psychology behind it is interesting to me (Hey - another career field to consider! Cool, I needed another one. ;) ). There are some situations in my family or with Tom where I can just see why people are reacting certain ways. I've played the mediator role in family discussions several times, sometimes even successfully.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one about #1! I know it's cheesy to admit I like this movie, but there's a wonderful illustration of this in "Overboard" with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn when he comes home one night to automatically get a beer out of the fridge and notices that everything is clean and neat. It's not really him complaining about an issue, but it hits home that he hadn't *noticed* until then.