Stop Asking About Babies
Over the past few years I've had the misfortune of becoming *gasp* almost 30, and I'm knee deep in the attendant Baby Questions. Although I intend to answer them with slightly-sarcastic but somewhat good-natured humor, I find that when they come up I'm nonplussed at the time, uncomfortable until I'm away from the Questioner, and angry the rest of the day. In this post addressed to any Questioners reading it, I'll try to explain why.
Things That Are OK
- Asking "Do you have any kids?" when getting to know someone
- Discussing the topic when it comes up in the natural course of a conversation with a friend, as long as you respect their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries
- Liking, wanting, and/or having kids
Things That Are Not OK
- Asking "When are you having a baby?"
- Asking "Why don't you have kids?"
- Assuming that all people like, want, and/or can have kids
Why It's Not OK To Ask
1. You can really hurt someone.
Maybe the person you're asking has miscarried, or has been trying for years unsuccessfully, and you don't know this because, as we will see below, it is not your business. Maybe they desperately want children and for whatever reason are unable to have them. These questions are salt in a particularly nasty open wound. Note: this is not my situation; if it were, anyone asking me about babies would get an earful.
2. Other people's reproductive choices are not your business.
Maybe they have professional or personal goals they want to achieve before they have a baby. Maybe they just don't want kids right now for no particular reason. Maybe they don't ever want kids. Maybe they are in the process of adopting but everything is too uncertain to make an announcement. The common theme of all of these scenarios is: it's not your business. If you're involved in the procreation or parenting process, you'll be involved in the decision making. If not, it's time to STFU. More bluntly, what goes into and/or comes out of someone else's vagina isn't a topic for polite conversation or small talk, so don't bring it up.
3. You will not accomplish your goal.
Do you really think that if you ask "When are you going to have a baby?" the answer will be "Well I should be ovulating on Thursday, so hopefully 9 months from then! Any tips or suggestions? Do you want to evaluate our technique?" Do you think by bothering someone about kids they will say to themselves "Gee, I've discussed this repeatedly and in depth with my partner and we've made the decision that's right for us, but since Aunt Mabel asked today, who cares about all that, it's time to get busy?" I'm going to guess that 75% of the time these questions are unwelcome. Your "encouragement" or "teasing" is going to make your friend or relative at least uncomfortable and at worst despondent (see above), and they'll start avoiding you. Note: if your goal is to passively-aggressively make someone feel uncomfortable or inadequate, you may actually accomplish that one.
Going Forward
Feel free to dismiss this post as not applicable to you. You might think I'm too uptight and your friends and relatives don't feel this way. Plus of course you don't mean any harm when you ask. Maybe you're right! But keep in mind that intentions aren't magic, and remember this post when your Baby Questions are met with something less than enthusiasm.
Things That Are OK
- Asking "Do you have any kids?" when getting to know someone
- Discussing the topic when it comes up in the natural course of a conversation with a friend, as long as you respect their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries
- Liking, wanting, and/or having kids
Things That Are Not OK
- Asking "When are you having a baby?"
- Asking "Why don't you have kids?"
- Assuming that all people like, want, and/or can have kids
Why It's Not OK To Ask
1. You can really hurt someone.
Maybe the person you're asking has miscarried, or has been trying for years unsuccessfully, and you don't know this because, as we will see below, it is not your business. Maybe they desperately want children and for whatever reason are unable to have them. These questions are salt in a particularly nasty open wound. Note: this is not my situation; if it were, anyone asking me about babies would get an earful.
2. Other people's reproductive choices are not your business.
Maybe they have professional or personal goals they want to achieve before they have a baby. Maybe they just don't want kids right now for no particular reason. Maybe they don't ever want kids. Maybe they are in the process of adopting but everything is too uncertain to make an announcement. The common theme of all of these scenarios is: it's not your business. If you're involved in the procreation or parenting process, you'll be involved in the decision making. If not, it's time to STFU. More bluntly, what goes into and/or comes out of someone else's vagina isn't a topic for polite conversation or small talk, so don't bring it up.
3. You will not accomplish your goal.
Do you really think that if you ask "When are you going to have a baby?" the answer will be "Well I should be ovulating on Thursday, so hopefully 9 months from then! Any tips or suggestions? Do you want to evaluate our technique?" Do you think by bothering someone about kids they will say to themselves "Gee, I've discussed this repeatedly and in depth with my partner and we've made the decision that's right for us, but since Aunt Mabel asked today, who cares about all that, it's time to get busy?" I'm going to guess that 75% of the time these questions are unwelcome. Your "encouragement" or "teasing" is going to make your friend or relative at least uncomfortable and at worst despondent (see above), and they'll start avoiding you. Note: if your goal is to passively-aggressively make someone feel uncomfortable or inadequate, you may actually accomplish that one.
Going Forward
Feel free to dismiss this post as not applicable to you. You might think I'm too uptight and your friends and relatives don't feel this way. Plus of course you don't mean any harm when you ask. Maybe you're right! But keep in mind that intentions aren't magic, and remember this post when your Baby Questions are met with something less than enthusiasm.