Even after reading it the first time, this still gave me chills. The visuals I got from it... gah! Again, I think you did an excellent job with the descriptions, the tone, flow, dialogue, and characterization. The details are also awesome; I especially love the ones about Gabriel's drawing and the clock's real time. Ooh, and the line at the end about Gabriel's father not asking "how" Gabriel set all the clocks at the same time, but "why".
Here's another one: Gabriel didn't look up. "It's black at the bottom, in the deep parts."It's short and simple, yet it says a lot. Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me. I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable
( ... )
I'm glad the story held up to a second reading, though. Most of the changes I made between the two drafts were just little details and minor things to make the narrative flow more smoothly. Nice to hear that there's a bit of creepiness left, even if you already know what's going to happen.
Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me.
I like that interpretation! There were definitelyreasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) (That's the kind of thing I mentioned in the other post: I love when people come up with stuff that I didn't consider myself.)
I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable.I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go. That's what first drafts and
( ... )
I'm not worthy! Oh, but you SO are! Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration. It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others (not to say I don't like those kind of fics, but this was a very refreshing - and of course, chilling - read!)
There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) Aww! *Blushes* Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers - I don't know if you've read it, but it includes a description of the kind of sea creatures that the videos focus on (so weird BTW, but neat! They look like aliens). The description is correlated to the "bad guy's" psyche, so that's probably why I interpreted Gabriel's drawing as such.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go....Thanks
( ... )
Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration.
I'm really flattered that you'd think that highly of something like this. I'm always criticising my own writing for mistakes and bits that I think could have been better, but it's nice to know that a few people like something I wrote. Or at least think it's something different. :) THANK YOU.
It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others
I'm one of those weird people that doesn't like shippy fics and pr0n. I still read them sometimes - there's definitely good ones out there - but since the shippy aspect doesn't interest me, there has to be something ELSE about the story that's awesome enough to draw me in (an interesting story premise, great writing, humour, an author I like, accurate characterisation, whatever). Stories like this are what I like to read, so they're
( ... )
I do believe I am going to have nightmares related to this... ohmygosh you win at life! Ditto on everything nowhack said, I don't think I trust myself to give such a coherent response so soon after reading it. *adds to memories* I am so totally rereading this every time I want to be creeped out.
Thank you! Nightmares are high praise. ;) I doubt this kind of fic is kind of thing most of the fandom is interested in, but it was fun to write. Creepy fairy tales FTW!
Oh my God, I'll just be over here cuddling this story like a mad thing. I love every well-placed word of it.
The introductory part was a wonderful set-up, and you do a brilliant job of capturing the once-upon-a-time atmosphere of fairy-tales without losing nuance of character. And concerning the rock, Gabriel does strike me as the kind of person who'd bottle and bottle and then finally lash out-- well, it's what he did in canon, isn't it? Your scaled-down foreshadowing is brilliant. And I adore his drawing of the dark, secret part of the ocean, and his short reaction to the teacher misunderstanding it.
In fact, your entire characterization of the young Gabriel is making me dance around in my desk chair. The awaking of his power in the darkened clock shop is incredible. And you have Virginia's manipulative, just plain difficult personality note-perfect, too. \o/
This: "Somehow, calling it that didn't seem adequate. The word had gotten all twisted around over time. Lost its power. Watered down among metaphors and storybooks and the
( ... )
Thank you so much! I'm insanely happy to get detailed feedback, and this made my day.
In fact, your entire characterization of the young Gabriel is making me dance around in my desk chair.
I enjoyed figuring out how I wanted to write young Gabriel. Everyone seems to do it differently. I've read some fics that portrayed him as being really psychotic and sadistic as a kid, but I prefer the approach you and nowhack mentioned: a kid who obviously has a lot of issues, and who's very dissatisfied and isolated, but suppresses and bottles everything up until he's pushed far enough to lash out.
And you have Virginia's manipulative, just plain difficult personality note-perfect, too.
Judging from The Hard Part, her overbearing attitude and vicarious expectations probably didn't make things any easier for Gabriel when he was a kid. Not that his mom didn't love him and want the best for him (or what she considered the best, anyway), but she sort of...failed at the parenting thing.
And so is the brief scene between Gabriel and his father. (I
( ... )
OH MY GOD! This is incredible. So so scary and gorgeously written.
The deafening ringing of the clocks was amazing, such great foreshadowing. And I loved that little moment when Gabriel sees the kid he hurt and realizes that it doesn't make him feel that great after all. I loved the personality you gave Gabriel's father, and Gabriel's feelings towards his mother. The whole thing was so perfectly paced and suspenseful and terrifying. I don't know how you do it.
I like scary. :) It's tricky to pull off, but when it comes out the right way, it's lots of fun to write (and hopefully read). Even if it's just plain ol' "OMG SOMETHING VERY BIG AND SCARY IS IN THE DARK AND WANTS TO EAT ME!" horror.
I'm partly hoping that we find out more about Gabriel's (apparently adoptive) dad eventually. I'm hesitant to write much about him because of the lack of canon, but that does make him a nice blank slate for fanfic purposes.
Comments 12
Even after reading it the first time, this still gave me chills. The visuals I got from it... gah! Again, I think you did an excellent job with the descriptions, the tone, flow, dialogue, and characterization. The details are also awesome; I especially love the ones about Gabriel's drawing and the clock's real time. Ooh, and the line at the end about Gabriel's father not asking "how" Gabriel set all the clocks at the same time, but "why".
Here's another one: Gabriel didn't look up. "It's black at the bottom, in the deep parts."It's short and simple, yet it says a lot. Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me. I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable ( ... )
Reply
I'm glad the story held up to a second reading, though. Most of the changes I made between the two drafts were just little details and minor things to make the narrative flow more smoothly. Nice to hear that there's a bit of creepiness left, even if you already know what's going to happen.
Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me.
I like that interpretation! There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) (That's the kind of thing I mentioned in the other post: I love when people come up with stuff that I didn't consider myself.)
I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable.I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go. That's what first drafts and ( ... )
Reply
Oh, but you SO are! Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration. It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others (not to say I don't like those kind of fics, but this was a very refreshing - and of course, chilling - read!)
There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;)
Aww! *Blushes* Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers - I don't know if you've read it, but it includes a description of the kind of sea creatures that the videos focus on (so weird BTW, but neat! They look like aliens). The description is correlated to the "bad guy's" psyche, so that's probably why I interpreted Gabriel's drawing as such.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go....Thanks ( ... )
Reply
I'm really flattered that you'd think that highly of something like this. I'm always criticising my own writing for mistakes and bits that I think could have been better, but it's nice to know that a few people like something I wrote. Or at least think it's something different. :) THANK YOU.
It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others
I'm one of those weird people that doesn't like shippy fics and pr0n. I still read them sometimes - there's definitely good ones out there - but since the shippy aspect doesn't interest me, there has to be something ELSE about the story that's awesome enough to draw me in (an interesting story premise, great writing, humour, an author I like, accurate characterisation, whatever). Stories like this are what I like to read, so they're ( ... )
Reply
Reply
Reply
The introductory part was a wonderful set-up, and you do a brilliant job of capturing the once-upon-a-time atmosphere of fairy-tales without losing nuance of character. And concerning the rock, Gabriel does strike me as the kind of person who'd bottle and bottle and then finally lash out-- well, it's what he did in canon, isn't it? Your scaled-down foreshadowing is brilliant. And I adore his drawing of the dark, secret part of the ocean, and his short reaction to the teacher misunderstanding it.
In fact, your entire characterization of the young Gabriel is making me dance around in my desk chair. The awaking of his power in the darkened clock shop is incredible. And you have Virginia's manipulative, just plain difficult personality note-perfect, too. \o/
This: "Somehow, calling it that didn't seem adequate. The word had gotten all twisted around over time. Lost its power. Watered down among metaphors and storybooks and the ( ... )
Reply
In fact, your entire characterization of the young Gabriel is making me dance around in my desk chair.
I enjoyed figuring out how I wanted to write young Gabriel. Everyone seems to do it differently. I've read some fics that portrayed him as being really psychotic and sadistic as a kid, but I prefer the approach you and nowhack mentioned: a kid who obviously has a lot of issues, and who's very dissatisfied and isolated, but suppresses and bottles everything up until he's pushed far enough to lash out.
And you have Virginia's manipulative, just plain difficult personality note-perfect, too.
Judging from The Hard Part, her overbearing attitude and vicarious expectations probably didn't make things any easier for Gabriel when he was a kid. Not that his mom didn't love him and want the best for him (or what she considered the best, anyway), but she sort of...failed at the parenting thing.
And so is the brief scene between Gabriel and his father. (I ( ... )
Reply
The deafening ringing of the clocks was amazing, such great foreshadowing. And I loved that little moment when Gabriel sees the kid he hurt and realizes that it doesn't make him feel that great after all. I loved the personality you gave Gabriel's father, and Gabriel's feelings towards his mother. The whole thing was so perfectly paced and suspenseful and terrifying. I don't know how you do it.
Reply
I'm partly hoping that we find out more about Gabriel's (apparently adoptive) dad eventually. I'm hesitant to write much about him because of the lack of canon, but that does make him a nice blank slate for fanfic purposes.
Thank you so much for the comment!
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