I'm glad the story held up to a second reading, though. Most of the changes I made between the two drafts were just little details and minor things to make the narrative flow more smoothly. Nice to hear that there's a bit of creepiness left, even if you already know what's going to happen.
Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me.
I like that interpretation! There were definitelyreasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) (That's the kind of thing I mentioned in the other post: I love when people come up with stuff that I didn't consider myself.)
I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go. That's what first drafts and betaing are for, though: catching the things that don't really sync with the rest of story. Thanks for pointing it out in the other draft. I'm a lot happier with the tweaked version.
It definitely adds to the suspense aspect of the story, and I think it does help the flow of the "Scene", so I love that you included it!
I decided that Gabriel needed to be more freaked out before the big reveal, so that part got a bit longer as a result. I'm not sure what that says about me, deciding the poor kid wasn't being traumatized enough. X)
One thing, though - did you explain what the monster is, and it just went over my head?
I did try to add a couple of things in editing, but they all just seemed to clutter the story and interrupt the narrative. In the end I decided less was more, and just added a few lines to imply certain things. Dark stories seem to benefit from that anyway, so ambiguity felt better than over-explaining things.
My own theory was that it was a "hero" gone way wrong, much like what Sylar's original character was supposed to be. I'd like to think this because of the implied foreshadowing, but as you had mentioned the other "origin stories", the ambiguousness leads me to concoct other theories as well (Gabriel's own imagination, an actual Boogeyman, etc.)
You nailed it. Those were EXACTLY the three main possibilities I had in mind (plus one or two more, but I didn't focus on those ones as much, and they're more a "see it if you want to see it" kind of deal). I tried to leave enough room for ALL of them to be equally plausible. Not sure which one I'd settle on if I were to write more of this, but the "hero gone wrong" one was definitely the most uncomfortable to think about. (A child-killing predator having that kind of power? CHRIST.)
and the creeptastic Eyes last.
Heh, I aaaaaalmost deleted that line, because I was worried it was a cliché. It's so hard to tell sometimes.
Again, I really enjoyed this, and hope that you have more stories like this to tell! If you ever need any more help with your fic, you know who to go to, although I can't promise that I'll be much of help with critiquing :P
Thank you so much! I so grateful for all the comments you left. And you did help with critiquing, especially for those little bits about Gabriel's personality. You made this fic better. :)
(By the way, I'm sorry I didn't comment on the two things you posted last week. Your fic info said they had season 3 spoilers, and I'm trying to stay as spoiler free as possible, so...you know. I'm looking forward to going back and reading them in a few weeks time, when they're not spoilers any more.)
I'm not worthy! Oh, but you SO are! Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration. It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others (not to say I don't like those kind of fics, but this was a very refreshing - and of course, chilling - read!)
There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) Aww! *Blushes* Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers - I don't know if you've read it, but it includes a description of the kind of sea creatures that the videos focus on (so weird BTW, but neat! They look like aliens). The description is correlated to the "bad guy's" psyche, so that's probably why I interpreted Gabriel's drawing as such.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go....Thanks for pointing it out in the other draft. I'm a lot happier with the tweaked version. No problem! It's a slight change, but to me it's significant. I think it's plausible that Gabriel would fight back in self-defense, and that perhaps he accidentally hit the boy's eye with the rock when he might have been aiming elsewhere. What I really like about that first section (apart from it "setting the stage", so to speak) is that it gives a glimpse into his personality disorder - whatever it may be - but in a subtle way (i.e. his demeanor during the aftermath of the fight and placing all of the blame of it on the other children).
I'm not sure what that says about me, deciding the poor kid wasn't being traumatized enough. X) LOL. Well on the one hand, you showed that Gabriel has Issues, but through this fic, you laid out the inner conflict of his persona: how detached he was from society, even at such a young age, and yet how innocent he remained. The "scraping" lines also imbued that sense of childlike fear, which makes the experience more intense for readers.
In the end I decided less was more, and just added a few lines to imply certain things. Dark stories seem to benefit from that anyway, so ambiguity felt better than over-explaining things. I see what you mean! I kind of get conflicted that way when watching movies or reading stories; I want to know more, yet I also realize that in a way, it's better for the interpretation to be left open so that I can come to my own inclusions. I understand that you didn't want to clutter, and I respect that decision to leave the monster's origin ambiguous in the story. However...
You nailed it. Those were EXACTLY the three main possibilities I had in mind (plus one or two more, but I didn't focus on those ones as much, and they're more a "see it if you want to see it" kind of deal).... the "hero gone wrong" one was definitely the most uncomfortable to think about. (A child-killing predator having that kind of power? CHRIST.) I did?! Awesome! Not only did I think it was a plausible explanation because of the foreshadowing, but I also thought THAT was the creepiest notion; the idea that a human could become so unrecognizable and barbaric. It's almost more unsettling than Sylar's character - that is, if you share my opinion of his power-stealing method (I don't think he eats the brain).
Heh, I aaaaaalmost deleted that line, because I was worried it was a cliché. It's so hard to tell sometimes. Nah, I liked it a lot. I think I would have said something if I felt that you were being overly trite, but that line was one of my favorites. I don't know what that says about me, but there you go xD
Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration.
I'm really flattered that you'd think that highly of something like this. I'm always criticising my own writing for mistakes and bits that I think could have been better, but it's nice to know that a few people like something I wrote. Or at least think it's something different. :) THANK YOU.
It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others
I'm one of those weird people that doesn't like shippy fics and pr0n. I still read them sometimes - there's definitely good ones out there - but since the shippy aspect doesn't interest me, there has to be something ELSE about the story that's awesome enough to draw me in (an interesting story premise, great writing, humour, an author I like, accurate characterisation, whatever). Stories like this are what I like to read, so they're what I tend to have the most fun writing.
Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers
Hm, I've never read that novella. I just think deep sea animals are awesome. And they look like real-life monsters, so they make for great imagery. (Holy crap, that hairy angler fish in the video would have given me NIGHTMARES when I was a kid.)
it gives a glimpse into his personality disorder - whatever it may be - but in a subtle way (i.e. his demeanor during the aftermath of the fight and placing all of the blame of it on the other children).
You nailed it again. Gabriel/Sylar loves to justify and rationalise and twist things around until they're not his fault. Makes sense to me that it would have started early on. Gotta start SOMEWHERE if you're eventually going to get to the point where you can rationalise away causing your mom's death.
I kind of get conflicted that way when watching movies or reading stories; I want to know more, yet I also realize that in a way, it's better for the interpretation to be left open so that I can come to my own inclusions.
I hear you. Answers are good, but there's a certain appeal to ambiguity as well. (But then, you went for that approach in The Cave to some extent, so you already know that. ;) ) Movies like Pan's Labyrinth tend to work for me BECAUSE they stay ambiguous, and don't completely reveal how much of what happens was real and how much was a metaphor/dream/imagination/whatever. (Speaking of kids and nightmares... MAN. The Pale Man in Pan's Labyrinth was all kinds of freaky. Kiddies get to face ALL the best monsters, heh.)
Again, it was a pleasure, and I'm glad that I could help in any way I could! As for my fic - really, don't worry about it. I'm not the type to go "OMG I read your fic so you must read mine!!1"; I'm just sorry I haven't asked you to beta my fic because I said I would :P I'm sure you've been busy, and I understand you want to keep away from spoilers (i wish I could exercise that much will-power!), plus, I'm admittedly not all that sure if you like shippy stuff. I get all anxious about my stuff and make excuses - it's too long/short to beta; it's boring; it really, REALLY sucks; I want to put this up now!; etc. - but if I DO run into problems with something that I think you won't be averse to, I'll let you know.
That said, if you do happen to read the fic and feel the need to comment on them, I look forward to seeing your responses! As for Spiral, I'm almost done, but I wanted to finish it before replying to your other comment. Thanks again for that!
As for my fic - really, don't worry about it. I'm not the type to go "OMG I read your fic so you must read mine!!1"
I know comments are nice to get, though. ;) And yeah, like I said, I'm not fond of most shippy stuff and pr0n, so I wouldn't be a whole lot of help in that regard. But I can still do what I can, if you ever need betaing help. Just say the word.
Man, it's SO HARD to avoid spoilers. I haven't even read any of the Comic Con stuff, but I'm already spoiled for more than I'd like to be, just from not being careful enough while browsing. I've stopped looking at fandomsecrets and TWOP, and I'm trying to be careful on LJ, but I still have spoiler-reading friends who sometimes say more than they should. :/
(Heh, still reading Spiral? Is it WTF enough for you yet?)
I'm glad the story held up to a second reading, though. Most of the changes I made between the two drafts were just little details and minor things to make the narrative flow more smoothly. Nice to hear that there's a bit of creepiness left, even if you already know what's going to happen.
Could be a parallel to the monster lying in wait, or Gabriel's own troubled psyche. I don't know if you intended that to be particularly symbolic, but it works for me.
I like that interpretation! There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;) (That's the kind of thing I mentioned in the other post: I love when people come up with stuff that I didn't consider myself.)
I also noticed that you cut out the "aggressive" part in the teacher's phone call, which (to me, anyway), makes that plot point a little more believable.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go. That's what first drafts and betaing are for, though: catching the things that don't really sync with the rest of story. Thanks for pointing it out in the other draft. I'm a lot happier with the tweaked version.
It definitely adds to the suspense aspect of the story, and I think it does help the flow of the "Scene", so I love that you included it!
I decided that Gabriel needed to be more freaked out before the big reveal, so that part got a bit longer as a result. I'm not sure what that says about me, deciding the poor kid wasn't being traumatized enough. X)
One thing, though - did you explain what the monster is, and it just went over my head?
I did try to add a couple of things in editing, but they all just seemed to clutter the story and interrupt the narrative. In the end I decided less was more, and just added a few lines to imply certain things. Dark stories seem to benefit from that anyway, so ambiguity felt better than over-explaining things.
My own theory was that it was a "hero" gone way wrong, much like what Sylar's original character was supposed to be. I'd like to think this because of the implied foreshadowing, but as you had mentioned the other "origin stories", the ambiguousness leads me to concoct other theories as well (Gabriel's own imagination, an actual Boogeyman, etc.)
You nailed it. Those were EXACTLY the three main possibilities I had in mind (plus one or two more, but I didn't focus on those ones as much, and they're more a "see it if you want to see it" kind of deal). I tried to leave enough room for ALL of them to be equally plausible. Not sure which one I'd settle on if I were to write more of this, but the "hero gone wrong" one was definitely the most uncomfortable to think about. (A child-killing predator having that kind of power? CHRIST.)
and the creeptastic Eyes last.
Heh, I aaaaaalmost deleted that line, because I was worried it was a cliché. It's so hard to tell sometimes.
Again, I really enjoyed this, and hope that you have more stories like this to tell! If you ever need any more help with your fic, you know who to go to, although I can't promise that I'll be much of help with critiquing :P
Thank you so much! I so grateful for all the comments you left. And you did help with critiquing, especially for those little bits about Gabriel's personality. You made this fic better. :)
(By the way, I'm sorry I didn't comment on the two things you posted last week. Your fic info said they had season 3 spoilers, and I'm trying to stay as spoiler free as possible, so...you know. I'm looking forward to going back and reading them in a few weeks time, when they're not spoilers any more.)
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Oh, but you SO are! Reading fic like this is kind of like a guide for myself; even though I'm currently stuck on shippy fic, it's good for me to look into other genres and methods of narration. It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others (not to say I don't like those kind of fics, but this was a very refreshing - and of course, chilling - read!)
There were definitely reasons for the imagery, but I like yours better. ;)
Aww! *Blushes* Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers - I don't know if you've read it, but it includes a description of the kind of sea creatures that the videos focus on (so weird BTW, but neat! They look like aliens). The description is correlated to the "bad guy's" psyche, so that's probably why I interpreted Gabriel's drawing as such.
I think that was one of the bits I wrote to fill space early on, before I decided exactly how I wanted the scene to go....Thanks for pointing it out in the other draft. I'm a lot happier with the tweaked version.
No problem! It's a slight change, but to me it's significant. I think it's plausible that Gabriel would fight back in self-defense, and that perhaps he accidentally hit the boy's eye with the rock when he might have been aiming elsewhere. What I really like about that first section (apart from it "setting the stage", so to speak) is that it gives a glimpse into his personality disorder - whatever it may be - but in a subtle way (i.e. his demeanor during the aftermath of the fight and placing all of the blame of it on the other children).
I'm not sure what that says about me, deciding the poor kid wasn't being traumatized enough. X)
LOL. Well on the one hand, you showed that Gabriel has Issues, but through this fic, you laid out the inner conflict of his persona: how detached he was from society, even at such a young age, and yet how innocent he remained. The "scraping" lines also imbued that sense of childlike fear, which makes the experience more intense for readers.
In the end I decided less was more, and just added a few lines to imply certain things. Dark stories seem to benefit from that anyway, so ambiguity felt better than over-explaining things.
I see what you mean! I kind of get conflicted that way when watching movies or reading stories; I want to know more, yet I also realize that in a way, it's better for the interpretation to be left open so that I can come to my own inclusions. I understand that you didn't want to clutter, and I respect that decision to leave the monster's origin ambiguous in the story. However...
You nailed it. Those were EXACTLY the three main possibilities I had in mind (plus one or two more, but I didn't focus on those ones as much, and they're more a "see it if you want to see it" kind of deal).... the "hero gone wrong" one was definitely the most uncomfortable to think about. (A child-killing predator having that kind of power? CHRIST.)
I did?! Awesome! Not only did I think it was a plausible explanation because of the foreshadowing, but I also thought THAT was the creepiest notion; the idea that a human could become so unrecognizable and barbaric. It's almost more unsettling than Sylar's character - that is, if you share my opinion of his power-stealing method (I don't think he eats the brain).
Heh, I aaaaaalmost deleted that line, because I was worried it was a cliché. It's so hard to tell sometimes.
Nah, I liked it a lot. I think I would have said something if I felt that you were being overly trite, but that line was one of my favorites. I don't know what that says about me, but there you go xD
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I'm really flattered that you'd think that highly of something like this. I'm always criticising my own writing for mistakes and bits that I think could have been better, but it's nice to know that a few people like something I wrote. Or at least think it's something different. :) THANK YOU.
It's so nice to see that the characters are being explored by writers like yourself in ways others than them simply hooking up with others
I'm one of those weird people that doesn't like shippy fics and pr0n. I still read them sometimes - there's definitely good ones out there - but since the shippy aspect doesn't interest me, there has to be something ELSE about the story that's awesome enough to draw me in (an interesting story premise, great writing, humour, an author I like, accurate characterisation, whatever). Stories like this are what I like to read, so they're what I tend to have the most fun writing.
Actually, that bit reminded me of Stephen King's novella The Langoliers
Hm, I've never read that novella. I just think deep sea animals are awesome. And they look like real-life monsters, so they make for great imagery. (Holy crap, that hairy angler fish in the video would have given me NIGHTMARES when I was a kid.)
it gives a glimpse into his personality disorder - whatever it may be - but in a subtle way (i.e. his demeanor during the aftermath of the fight and placing all of the blame of it on the other children).
You nailed it again. Gabriel/Sylar loves to justify and rationalise and twist things around until they're not his fault. Makes sense to me that it would have started early on. Gotta start SOMEWHERE if you're eventually going to get to the point where you can rationalise away causing your mom's death.
I kind of get conflicted that way when watching movies or reading stories; I want to know more, yet I also realize that in a way, it's better for the interpretation to be left open so that I can come to my own inclusions.
I hear you. Answers are good, but there's a certain appeal to ambiguity as well. (But then, you went for that approach in The Cave to some extent, so you already know that. ;) ) Movies like Pan's Labyrinth tend to work for me BECAUSE they stay ambiguous, and don't completely reveal how much of what happens was real and how much was a metaphor/dream/imagination/whatever. (Speaking of kids and nightmares... MAN. The Pale Man in Pan's Labyrinth was all kinds of freaky. Kiddies get to face ALL the best monsters, heh.)
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That said, if you do happen to read the fic and feel the need to comment on them, I look forward to seeing your responses! As for Spiral, I'm almost done, but I wanted to finish it before replying to your other comment. Thanks again for that!
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I know comments are nice to get, though. ;) And yeah, like I said, I'm not fond of most shippy stuff and pr0n, so I wouldn't be a whole lot of help in that regard. But I can still do what I can, if you ever need betaing help. Just say the word.
Man, it's SO HARD to avoid spoilers. I haven't even read any of the Comic Con stuff, but I'm already spoiled for more than I'd like to be, just from not being careful enough while browsing. I've stopped looking at fandomsecrets and TWOP, and I'm trying to be careful on LJ, but I still have spoiler-reading friends who sometimes say more than they should. :/
(Heh, still reading Spiral? Is it WTF enough for you yet?)
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