Stay.
The words for the song first come to me on one of the few occasions when I have Kevin to myself. I don’t like to think that we have a relationship confined to hotel rooms, but that’s the reality of it. Right now Kevin’s sitting on the couch in my suite, and I have my head in his lap, my eyes drooping as Kevin combs his fingers through my hair.
That’s when I first think about asking Kevin to stay with me. I’ve thought of it before of course, but never seriously, only as a sort of crazy fantasy that I knew would never come true. But right now, in this perfect moment, with Kevin humming and stroking my hair and smelling like Old Spice, I wonder why it can’t come true. I wonder why we can’t leave everything and run away.
I roll onto my back to look up at Kevin, reaching up to touch my fingers to his cheek, and Kevin smiles, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead. “Penny for your thoughts?”
I let my hand fall to his chest, press it over his heart. “I love you.” I whisper.
“I love you too.”
I roll over toward him, nuzzling my face against his stomach. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I hear the change in Kevin’s breathing that lets me know I’m going to be scolded in a moment. “Please. Just listen to me. Just hear me out. I’ve been… I know that Danielle is your world now, and I’m like… the moon or something, but I love you just as much as she does. I think, other than that ring she wears, I have just as much of a right to you.”
Kevin’s sigh is soft, and his voice is gentle. “Nick, you know that’s not how it works.”
“Why isn’t it?” I sit up beside him, crisscrossing my legs and frowning at him. “Why not? I love you. I would do anything for you. I have done so much for you. I’ve changed who I am; I’ve become a better person. I’ve done so much so that you’ll love me more and want to be with me forever. I’ve sacrificed enough. Why can’t we just… leave? Why can’t we take off? We wouldn’t even have to tell anyone. We could go somewhere no one would recognize us and-”
“Nick.” My mouth closes, and I swallow sharply. Kevin sighs and takes my hand, lacing our fingers. “You’re being irrational. You know we can’t just run away from anything because we want to be together. Things don’t work that way. Even if it was possible, we would just end up resenting each other, and you have to know that.”
I stare down at our hands. “I know that.” I say softly. “I know I am. But… I just want to be with you. I don’t like that I’m like… a mistress.”
“A mistress?”
“Don’t laugh; I’m not kidding.” I draw my knees up, wrapping my arms around them, resting my chin on top of them. “I don’t want to just… be the one you have on the side anymore. I want you to be able to look at me, in front of everyone, the way you look at Danielle. And she doesn’t even deserve those looks. I mean, you’re not even faithful to her, so how much can you really love her?”
Kevin bristles. “Nick, that’s not fair.”
“How is it not?” I shoot at him. “You love her the same way you love me, right? Not enough to be with either of us one hundred percent of the time. And she has to know, Kevin. There’s no way she’s so oblivious to how distracted you get. But I bet when you say you’re coming to see me, she doesn’t know you’re telling the truth. I bet she thinks you’re making it up so you can go see someone else.” I shake my head. “We both love you too much to let you go, even though you don’t respect either of us enough to give us all of you.” He’s silent, and so am I. I shift slightly, look down at my hands. “We shouldn’t fight.” I say softly, telling him without telling him that I understand why he’s not arguing. “You leave tomorrow afternoon, and I just want you to be with me and be happy. I don’t know when we’ll get to be together like this again.”
He nods and pulls me in to press our mouths together, and a few moments later, I let him carry me into the bedroom. The next morning, I wake beside him, and we make love again. Neither of us mentions the conversation from the night before, not when these are our last moments together. He washes my hair in the shower, laughing softly when I moan and melt against him, and I hold him tightly and kiss him with all the desperation of a lover left behind.
His plane takes him back to Texas at 1:30. Six and a half hours later, I take the stage to play a concert. I add a song to the set list. Kevin doesn’t hear it that night, but I hope he knows I only ever sing for him.
That’s when I first think about asking Kevin to stay with me. I’ve thought of it before of course, but never seriously, only as a sort of crazy fantasy that I knew would never come true. But right now, in this perfect moment, with Kevin humming and stroking my hair and smelling like Old Spice, I wonder why it can’t come true. I wonder why we can’t leave everything and run away.
I roll onto my back to look up at Kevin, reaching up to touch my fingers to his cheek, and Kevin smiles, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead. “Penny for your thoughts?”
I let my hand fall to his chest, press it over his heart. “I love you.” I whisper.
“I love you too.”
I roll over toward him, nuzzling my face against his stomach. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I hear the change in Kevin’s breathing that lets me know I’m going to be scolded in a moment. “Please. Just listen to me. Just hear me out. I’ve been… I know that Danielle is your world now, and I’m like… the moon or something, but I love you just as much as she does. I think, other than that ring she wears, I have just as much of a right to you.”
Kevin’s sigh is soft, and his voice is gentle. “Nick, you know that’s not how it works.”
“Why isn’t it?” I sit up beside him, crisscrossing my legs and frowning at him. “Why not? I love you. I would do anything for you. I have done so much for you. I’ve changed who I am; I’ve become a better person. I’ve done so much so that you’ll love me more and want to be with me forever. I’ve sacrificed enough. Why can’t we just… leave? Why can’t we take off? We wouldn’t even have to tell anyone. We could go somewhere no one would recognize us and-”
“Nick.” My mouth closes, and I swallow sharply. Kevin sighs and takes my hand, lacing our fingers. “You’re being irrational. You know we can’t just run away from anything because we want to be together. Things don’t work that way. Even if it was possible, we would just end up resenting each other, and you have to know that.”
I stare down at our hands. “I know that.” I say softly. “I know I am. But… I just want to be with you. I don’t like that I’m like… a mistress.”
“A mistress?”
“Don’t laugh; I’m not kidding.” I draw my knees up, wrapping my arms around them, resting my chin on top of them. “I don’t want to just… be the one you have on the side anymore. I want you to be able to look at me, in front of everyone, the way you look at Danielle. And she doesn’t even deserve those looks. I mean, you’re not even faithful to her, so how much can you really love her?”
Kevin bristles. “Nick, that’s not fair.”
“How is it not?” I shoot at him. “You love her the same way you love me, right? Not enough to be with either of us one hundred percent of the time. And she has to know, Kevin. There’s no way she’s so oblivious to how distracted you get. But I bet when you say you’re coming to see me, she doesn’t know you’re telling the truth. I bet she thinks you’re making it up so you can go see someone else.” I shake my head. “We both love you too much to let you go, even though you don’t respect either of us enough to give us all of you.” He’s silent, and so am I. I shift slightly, look down at my hands. “We shouldn’t fight.” I say softly, telling him without telling him that I understand why he’s not arguing. “You leave tomorrow afternoon, and I just want you to be with me and be happy. I don’t know when we’ll get to be together like this again.”
He nods and pulls me in to press our mouths together, and a few moments later, I let him carry me into the bedroom. The next morning, I wake beside him, and we make love again. Neither of us mentions the conversation from the night before, not when these are our last moments together. He washes my hair in the shower, laughing softly when I moan and melt against him, and I hold him tightly and kiss him with all the desperation of a lover left behind.
His plane takes him back to Texas at 1:30. Six and a half hours later, I take the stage to play a concert. I add a song to the set list. Kevin doesn’t hear it that night, but I hope he knows I only ever sing for him.