FIC: If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)
Title: If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)
Author: balefully
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,800
Disclaimer: A product of my fevered imagination.
Summary: Jared figures out he's gay and decides he'll just put his romantic life on hold until he makes it big. But then he meets Jensen, and a wrench gets thrown in the works.
Notes: Written for j2_remix. I was assigned the inimitable chash (i.e. longsufferingly), and spent about eighty years just going through her enormous catalogue of fic to pick one for remixing. I cannot TELL you how difficult it is to remix an author as amazing as she is. It has been a humbling experience. I settled on If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink, and decided to do a prequel of sorts. Thanks so much to rivers_bend for the beta!
If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)
Jared is sitting on Alexis Bledel's couch, her head on his shoulder and her hair in his mouth, when he realizes he's gay. Not that he hadn't thought about it before, but that's when it really hits him. She's warm and curvy and breathing through slack lips all red from kissing him, her hand brushing across his chest and down to his waist. But all Jared can really focus on is his right foot being asleep where it's tucked under him and the nagging thought that he may have accidentally left his apartment door unlocked.
"You okay?" she asks, and pulls back. Her big blue eyes are even bigger and bluer than usual. She's clearly doing it on purpose to make him feel guilty.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking. But you're all stiff and-"
Jared raises his eyebrows.
"Not like that, jerk," Alexis says, trying not to laugh. She elbows him delicately in the side, then shrugs. Neither of them mention that's he's not actually stiff at all.
But Jared's thinking it. If he were on a couch with Trip the PA instead, it'd be a very different story. He's positive.
"Just distracted, I guess," Jared mumbles, and takes Alexis's hand, twining their fingers together to keep her from grabbing where he'd really rather she not grab. "I should probably be getting back, now that I think about it."
"But you just got here," she says plaintively.
"Sorry." He doesn't even try to make an excuse-just pushes up off the couch, listening to the soft crackle of static when their sweaters rub and pull apart. "See you tomorrow."
"Sleep well," Alexis says, and waves from the couch when Jared lets himself out.
He doesn't sleep well, though. That night, he jerks off four times thinking about cock-sucking and ass-fucking. He feels pretty bad afterwards, and mostly just stares at the ceiling until his alarm goes off for his eight AM call.
*
Jared meets Sandra McCoy for the first time on the set of Cry_Wolf. Jeff Wadlow is teaching them how to play Wolf, and most people are fumbling through it like they've never acted before in their lives. Sandra's the best of all of them by far, just because she's so damn sweet and no one ever suspects her. She lies like it's nothing.
"Wow," Jared says, after the third time she wins. It was the tie-breaker, because they'd both won two rounds. "You rock at this game, Sandra."
"Sandy," she says, and smiles her big, bright smile. "I don't rock, really. You just suck."
That's a lie, too. Jared's awesome at Wolf. "A bunch of us are going to McCormack's tonight. Wanna come with?"
"Lindy already invited me," she says, casually pulling her glossy hair up into a long, straight ponytail. "God, I'm starving. Gonna get some food. See you at the bar, Jared."
"See you, Sandy." She gives him a little wave and runs off, graceful as always, even though she's just going to grab a burrito from craft services. Jared rubs absently at his chest, trying to piece together a concrete plan from all the little ideas popping up in his head.
Sandy's the best liar Jared knows. She's sweet and beautiful and competitive and never curses and isn't afraid to give him shit. He really, really wants to hang out with her and has no desire at all to get in bed with her.
She'd be the perfect girlfriend.
*
"So you want me to be your beard?" Sandy says, laughing quietly when they're out together at Highland Grounds, just them.
Cry_Wolf finished filming a month or two ago, but they've been seeing a lot of each other anyway. They both live in LA, and Sandy's by far the most fun person Jared's ever spent time with. Way better than his douchey high school friends and way better than pretentious Alexis. They talk about everything; she told him about her family, about how hard it is for her still. About how she did some stuff she's not proud of after they died just because of how deep she'd sunk. She still has scars on the insides of her thighs.
Jared told her he was gay after she hiked up her skirt and showed him. He hadn't ever told anyone else, and Sandy deserved to know. She deserved to be the first. He was worried things would change, but they didn't. She smiled and said she already knew. That she loved him for it, and anyone else worth their salt would, too.
By "anyone else", she'd meant his family, though. Not the networks or the studios.
Jared bounces his knee restlessly. "Well, I didn't really-I just wondered if you would-"
"You want me to be your beard," Sandy says again, smirking. "Luckily, I’m in the market for a hot gay boyfriend who lets me sleep with anyone I want."
Jared ducks his head and laughs, embarrassed. "If that's how you want to look at it."
"It is," Sandy says, and tweaks Jared's nose like he's five years old.
"My agent thinks I should have a girlfriend. I don't know, though-that feels sort of weird. I guess I should just keep it quiet until I'm big enough I can get work even if people know."
"What's Hollywood without a couple PR stunts?" Sandy shrugs and leans into Jared where they're pressed together, tucked in the corner of the booth. "It'll be okay, Jared."
"Sure it will, baby," Jared says, testing it out in his mouth. It tastes pretty good, so he slides an arm around Sandy's tan shoulders. She raises an eyebrow, but still smiles sweetly. She's not lying this time.
*
Jared finally has it all figured out. Everything's great.
Everything's great until the day Jared has an audition for a new genre show on the WB, anyway. The moment Jared Padalecki meets Jensen Ackles, everything in his world comes to a screeching halt.
"I'm Jared," he says, trying not to sound breathless. Jensen is the hottest man he's ever seen in his life. He's perfect in every possible way.
"Jensen," Jensen says, and smiles. Jared's chest tingles.
They shake hands, strong grip on strong grip, and Jared's heart thumps and his palms go embarrassingly sweaty and he can't think of anything smart to say. "So where is everyone?" he asks after a moment, but he doesn't look around because he can't take his eyes off Jensen.
"There isn't anyone. It's just us." Jensen rubs the back of his neck and licks his lips, traces of his smile still happily creasing the skin by his eyes.
"Oh," Jared says. It's all he can do not to let his mouth hang open. He thinks inanely of his mother telling him he'd catch flies in it if he left it like that. "Uh, so," he starts, trying to keep his mouth in motion. "Where're you from?"
Jensen takes the small-talk bait, and they end up chatting until the producers finally call them in. He's from Texas. He has an older brother and a younger sister. He's done a fair amount of TV work before, got into it pretty young. It's kind of ridiculous, really, how much they have in common. How easy it is to talk to Jensen.
That's really all he needs. The jolt of overwhelming attraction and a quick, friendly chat. It's probably stupid and melodramatic, but Jensen is it for him. He just is. Jared knows that as surely as he knows the sun's gonna come up tomorrow and that Emmitt Smith's gonna make the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. It doesn't matter that he and Jensen only just met, that they've barely exchanged two-dozen words. That there isn't really such thing as love at first sight. Jared feels like he's going to throw up all of his vital organs, and that's more than enough.
Jared woos Jensen with friendship, with his enthusiasm, diving in with all this heart because he can't let it go any further than that. He can't let himself get in too deep, and he can't ruin his carefully laid-out career. He can't lose Jensen's casual touches and bright, crinkle-eyed smiles and stupid, hilarious sarcasm.
They're thrown together up in Canada, sharing a truck every morning on the long, cold drive to set. Jensen's seriously thinking about trying to wiggle out of his contract, and Jared plays along. But his heart's not really in it when Jensen pulls him into conspiring quietly in the back seat, spitting sharp words about certain networks which assure them they'll be filming at home in LA when really they're going to be shipped off to the frozen tundra against their wills.
Luckily they have each other. A plus because Jared doesn't have to be alone by himself, as it were, but a minus because it makes him ever-crazier. He's tucked away in this isolated little world, just him and Jensen, all on their own. He talks to Sandy pretty much every day on the phone, and his family at least once a week, but it's still an emotional strain. Jensen's right there beside him every time Jared starts pacing restlessly, though, ready with a beer and soft words and good advice.
Jared never says that sometimes it just makes him more restless.
Jensen humors him when Jared tries to climb him like a tree, and when he grabs Jensen for noogies, and when Jared playfully tries to kiss him in front of crowds of people-more than once. It's stuff any dudes would do, Jared's sure. Playing gay and laughing it up is totally normal, but Jared's burning hot through it all. Jensen laughs and plays along like a good friend, even if sometimes he does say stuff that makes Jared wonder. They're thick as thieves but nothing more.
It'll have to do.
*
They get through the grueling hours and physical drain together. Season one ends in a flurry of excitement and anxiety. Everyone's either entirely positive Supernatural will get picked up for season two, or entirely positive it won't. Jared and Jensen are hitting the punch at the wrap party pretty hard, and they may or may not have spiked it with a whole second bottle of rum. Robert Singer is slurring his words and talking baby-talk about his niece. It's pretty frightening.
Mike the stuntman brings cigars for everyone, and Jared and Jensen each take one. They have to go out back to smoke them, half the crew giving dirty looks to everyone with a cigar and hacking out phony coughs. The grass is sort of wet but Jared and Jensen sit on it anyway, and the cold soaking into Jared's jeans actually feels sort of good, cutting through his drunk daze. "Hey," he says, lazy but emboldened at the same time.
"Hmm?" Jensen mumbles. He's looking up at the sky, fingers in the cold wet grass, head tipped back so his throat is long and pale in the moonlight.
"So I might not ever see you again." Jared ducks his head and fiddles with the frayed hem of his jeans.
"Don't be retarded," Jensen says. His eyes are closed.
"Well if we don't get picked back up-"
"I'll still see you. We're both gonna be in LA."
"I have a lot of friends who live in LA I hardly ever see."
"Yeah, but they're not me." Jensen smiles, just a little smile, but Jared sees everything in it.
"You saying you wanna see me?" Jared holds his breath, even though the question could sound completely innocent to Jensen.
Jensen doesn't answer. He just licks his lips like he always does. They stare at each for a long moment, but it's not awkward or uncomfortable. Jared's just thinking about Jensen's eyes, about his nose, about his mouth and that time they almost came to blows but ended up hugging it out instead.
"I'm gay," Jared says. It doesn't seem random, though it technically isn't relevant.
Jensen still doesn't say anything. He just leans in and kisses Jared, soft and open. He tastes like rum and spit, and his tongue curls up gently under Jared's top lip. Jared breathes sharply through his nose, surprised, and tips forward until he's kneeling up over Jensen, arms going around his back and holding him close, their chests pressed tight and warm together in the cool of the night. Jensen makes a barely audible noise in the back of his throat, and Jared opens wider, pulls back and kisses deeper. He's probably making noises, too, but all he can hear is the rush of his blood in his ears.
When he finally pulls back, knees wet and cold and protesting, Jensen is breathing harsh and heavy. "I know," he says, and everything changes again. They lie there for some indeterminate amount of time, and Jared mostly just listens to Jensen's slow, steady breaths, blissfully thinking about nothing at all. His dick is half-hard and he doesn't even care. They only get up when they start shivering, wordlessly ducking back inside to rejoin the party. It's getting late, and people are starting to filter out.
Jared calls a cab and spends the ten minutes before it arrives saying goodbye to everyone, not sure what any of their fates will be. He's just giving a last wave when he feels warmth by his side. Jensen's leaning back on the wall next to him, must've sidled up when Jared was shouting to Mike the stunt guy.
He clears his throat and turns to Jensen. His hands hang awkwardly-he doesn't really know what to do with them. He shrugs. "So I guess this is goodbye?" Jared tries lamely, not sure how to act after that kiss outside. He wants to pretend like it never happened, like there's still that last distance between them, or he'll be completely fucked.
Jensen raises an eyebrow and licks his lips, pressing them together before he speaks, quiet and hoarse. "I wasn't really planning on goodbye just yet, no. Thinking more like a shared cab."
"Oh." It's a stupid cliché, but it really does feel like Jared's heart skips a beat. He didn't think that ever really happened. He presses a hand nervously over his chest.
Jensen swallows and his eyes flick sideways, away from Jared's face. "Unless you don’t want-"
"Yes! Yes, let's-uh. We can definitely share a cab." Jared nods his head towards the door, a horn honking right on time. He shoves his hands in his pockets when Jensen turns away, trying to keep them from shaking.
Jared gives the driver directions to his place, and the fuzzy haze of alcohol manages to make the entire ride last about two seconds. The next thing he knows, he's swiping his key in the elevator and Jensen is shuffling purposefully towards him.
"I lied," Jensen murmurs. Jared has a sharp moment of panic while he imagines the worst before Jensen continues. "Wasn't sharing your cab. I was coming home with you."
"Got that part," Jared whispers, curling a finger under Jensen's smooth chin to tilt his face up. "Gonna kiss you again."
Jensen just lets his eyes flutter closed, so Jared kisses them first, one soft press of lips to each eyelid. He just gets to Jensen's mouth when the elevator dings and the doors slide open on Jared's suite of rooms.
They beeline for the bed, no pretense or talking or pouring more drinks. Jared sits on it heavily, so glad he's got clean sheets and it's made up. Not that Jensen hasn't seen his place looking like a gross bachelor pad on numerous occasions, but this time-this time it has to be perfect.
Jensen doesn't waste any time, either, kneeing up onto the bed, thighs spread across Jared's lap. Jared leans back on his elbows and tries to steady his breathing, tries to drink in the whole sight at once. Jensen's jeans pulled tight across the bulge of his fly, his rumpled shirt that started out the night pressed and perfect. Jensen's face, lips slack and eyes wide and dark. It doesn't feel real, somehow. And Jared's so hard-he wants to ignore his dick, pay attention to Jensen, but the throb of it is an insistent, thrumming heat.
Jensen takes Jared's face in his hands and kisses him again, picking up where they left off. Jared parts his lips and follows along as Jensen tastes his mouth, nipping some, pressing deeper. It's amazing. Jensen's far and away the best kisser Jared's ever experienced. He knows how to pick 'em. Jared slides his hands up Jensen's back, under his shirt, just feeling the smooth skin and hard muscle and trying to learn the dips of Jensen's spine and ribs. Wants to feel everything he can reach. That his dick's fattening up already just from some kissing and tame groping is both embarrassing and thrilling. Jared's never been this turned on. Never.
When Jensen starts shifting rhythmically on Jared's lap, almost imperceptibly, Jared pulls back with a soft wet sound. He can't help smiling, face hot and thumbs rubbing up and down Jensen's sides. "Hey," he says, trying to remember English. "You-uh-"
"Sorry," Jensen says, blushing bright red. He starts to scramble off Jared's lap, but Jared just grabs Jensen's hips and keeps him in place. "No, that's good. I like it."
"Yeah?" Jensen sits up again, sliding forward tentatively until his fly is rubbing against Jared's.
"Yeah." Jared rubs his palms over Jensen's thighs, digging his fingertips in some. Jensen leans down to touch his forehead to Jared's, mouth open as he pants a little. "You hard for me right now?" Jared asks, just a whisper, lips brushing Jensen's.
"Yeah. Real hard," Jensen whispers, each word full of heavy effort. Jared can feel the heat of Jensen's cheeks and catches his breath as Jensen rocks against him to prove his point.
"Feel it," Jared says, awkwardness nothing in the face of how badly he wants something, anything to satisfy the heat burning him up. He slides his hands to Jensen's ass, cupping and kneading and shifting his own hips up a little, pressing them closer together, dicks unmistakably thrusting against each other's. "Me too."
"Jared," Jensen says, and Jared tries to look up, his nose grazing Jensen's, but Jensen's eyes are closed, like he has to pretend Jared's not looking at him when he murmurs, "want you to fuck me."
Jared's fingers tighten reflexively on Jensen's ass and he makes a high, pathetic noise in the back of his throat. "You do? I-god, I want to. So bad. But I've never-"
"I know," Jensen says, and finally meets Jared's eyes. "It's okay, don't care. We'll make it work."
"Fuck, Jensen-I don't-I've wanted this since the very first second I saw you. I'm not even kidding. Felt so right. Never been with a guy before, and I don't care. Wanna fuck you." He pulls at Jensen's shirt, trying to quash the frantic urge to rip it off. Instead he slides it over Jensen's head without a hitch. Next comes the belt and socks and jeans, and Jared's further gone with every inch of Jensen's skin he sees.
He's still fully clothed when Jensen's naked, straddling his lap again, rubbing up against Jared, through his clothes. It's the hottest thing Jared's ever done, just sitting on the bed in his clothes while Jensen rocks and shifts there, Jared kissing him and running his hands everywhere he can reach. "C'mon," Jensen says finally, and starts helping Jared out of his clothes, too.
Jared presses Jensen back onto the bed when he's stripped down, hands on Jensen's shoulders, hips between Jensen's thighs. "Like this. Wanna look at you."
Jensen nods, flushing all the way down to his chest. He spreads his thighs apart wider and Jared swallows thickly, watching Jensen's dick bobbing against his stomach, red and straining, thick and veiny with need. He takes it in one hand, gingerly at first, then working it harder, faster, watching as he coaxes oozing dribbles of precome from the slit. "Want it real bad, huh?" he asks, and Jensen can only nod, groaning in the back of his throat as Jared runs a slick thumb around the crown of Jensen's cock. He's loath to let go, to miss anything, any face or sound Jensen makes. "Don't touch 'til I get back, okay? Gotta get stuff."
He fumbles in the medicine cabinet for the unopened box of condoms and the lube, picturing Jensen spread out under him, cock in his hand, even when he's trying to focus on getting the right tube.
"C'mon," Jensen says again, and Jared can't help but hear it like a sweet little beg. He holds his dick in one hand on his way back so it doesn't smack around and make him look like too much of a dork.
"Got it." He takes one long look at Jensen before sliding back between his spread knees, shifting forward until Jensen's thighs rest on top of Jared's. "Fuck, I can't believe this is happening."
"Please," Jensen says, and Jared almost loses it right there.
"Gotta tell me if I'm doin' okay, Jensen," Jared says, and starts lubing up his fingers, Jensen's pink little hole, trying to do it just like he's seen in porn.
"Just-oh god-just fine." Jared's working a fingertip at Jensen's hole nice and slow, pushing in and pulling back out a little at a time, lube in hand. Jensen spreads his legs wider, tilts his hips up and whimpers some as Jared's finger slides in deeper.
Jensen takes two more fingers, twisting on the bed, panting and moaning and drawing a leg up to grip tight under his thigh, leaving him spread open and wet with lube for Jared. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," he says, a litany as Jared fumbles trying to get the condom on, stretching it over the too-thick head of his dick, rolling it awkwardly as far down the fat shaft as it can go.
"Sorry, just-the condom's-"
Jensen laughs breathlessly, head thrown back on the pillow. "Jesus. Should've known."
A too-small condom's better than none at all, so Jared leans forward, shoulder under one of Jensen's knees, head of his cock pressing at Jensen's lubed-up hole. "Okay?"
"Jared-yeah. C'mon-" Jensen looks up, eyes wide and wet, and licks at his lips.
Jared pushes in, so slow, and god-it's perfect. It's hard to get the head of his dick all the way in, partially just because it's big and Jensen's so tight, but also because he can't even focus on what he should be doing when Jensen's around him like this, under him, real and here and being everything Jared's been wanting all year, everything Jared's ever going to want. He could do this for the rest of his life.
He finally shoves the head in completely, Jensen panting and urging him on, rocking his hips. He sits for a second, counts to ten and then again backwards, trying not to come as he feels the tight heat in his balls, pulling up his back. "So fucking hot, Jensen," he says, words coming unbidden. He can't help it, he just-has to say it. "You're so amazing. So tight and feel so good around me, fuck, just wanna-" he cuts himself off, embarrassed, and tightens his hands around Jensen's hips, instead, leaning down to kiss Jensen as he pumps slowly in and out, every muscle in his body shivering with how good, how hot, how tight Jensen is.
Jensen pulls Jared in with the leg wrapped around his waist, tongues Jared's mouth deep and dirty, moaning in the back of his throat as Jared picks up the pace. Sweat drips over their skin, and Jared can't stop the stupid grunts that come whenever he bottoms out in Jensen, the crazy, desperate urge to just fuck faster, harder, more. He can't last long, knows he can't, Jensen's everything he's been jerking off to for what feels like forever.
Reaching a hand down, Jared feels where he's disappearing inside Jensen, the twitching skin, how thin and hot it is to the touch, how sloppy with lube. "Christ," Jensen pants, putting a hand down with Jared's, squeezing his eyes shut and writhing like it's involuntary, like he's just losing all control and handing it squarely over to Jared. "Fuck me, Jared."
That's all it takes. Jared presses his forehead to Jensen's and breathes into his mouth as his hips snap erratically, skin slapping against skin, his balls tightening and his back curling as he feels the rush through his hips, up his spine, burning him up inside. "Coming," he manages, nothing more than a gasp of breath. "Jensen, oh god-Jensen-"
It's a release like nothing he's ever felt. His dick pumps inside Jensen's ass, slit working around the fat wads of spunk under the latex, and Jared dumps his load into the condom. He's still thrusting, still feeling it spin through him as he whines and clutches at Jensen's slick skin, so much jizz spurting out that it's filling the tip of the condom and pushing back over the thin skin of his shaft, slimy and hot against him as he moves deep and hard in Jensen. Jensen's staring right back at him, and the feeling that bursts through his chest right then is-beyond explanation.
He grabs at Jensen's dick and works it fast, fingers slick with lube and sweat, and it hardly takes anything at all for Jensen to keen and clutch at Jared's shoulders, eyes slamming shut and body tensing as his hips shove up into Jared's hand, dick swelling and pumping and shooting thick strings of jizz all over Jared's arm and stomach where he's bent over Jensen's body, still hard inside of him. Jensen's hole clenches around Jared's dick, his hands tighten, his whole body shuddering.
"Holy shit," Jensen says, heaving and sweating and gazing up at Jared as soon as he catches his breath. "First time, huh?"
"Beginner's luck, I guess," Jared says, grinning. He pinches the bottom of the condom and pulls out with an obscene noise. He gets the thing off without too much struggle, Jensen just watching him with wide, liquid eyes. "So-okay?"
Jensen rolls his eyes and grabs Jared's hand, yanking him back into the bed. "You're not leaving here for the rest of the night. And not because you need more practice."
Jared feels it deep in his bones when Jensen kisses him then, smiling broad and genuine into it. He wants this every single day for the rest of his life. The gravity of that isn't lost on him, and even after Jensen rides him to another spectacular orgasm that night, he ends up lying awake when Jensen's sleeping.
*
They get picked up for a second season. Jared answers the call from his agent when he's sitting on Jensen's couch, and a mix of elation and anxiety sweep over him in thick waves. He jumps up, runs into Jensen's kitchen, and whoops like a crazy person while grabbing Jensen around the ribs and hefting him bodily up into the air.
"I don't know why they always say dating your costar is bad," Jensen says, laughing breathlessly and smacking Jared hard on the back when his feet are finally on the ground again. "I think it's amazing. As far as I'm concerned, dating you is the best idea I ever had."
Jared's chest swells and he gets all dizzy, so he clutches Jensen tighter as he tips his head down for a deep, hungry victory kiss, which Jensen feeds back to him threefold.
He's so in love with Jensen it hurts. It's the kind of love his parents have. The growing-old love. 'Til-death-do-you-part. It's dedication, and it's being happier together than they ever could be apart.
Not that they'll ever be apart. Jared's not going to fuck this up.
*
Author: balefully
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,800
Disclaimer: A product of my fevered imagination.
Summary: Jared figures out he's gay and decides he'll just put his romantic life on hold until he makes it big. But then he meets Jensen, and a wrench gets thrown in the works.
Notes: Written for j2_remix. I was assigned the inimitable chash (i.e. longsufferingly), and spent about eighty years just going through her enormous catalogue of fic to pick one for remixing. I cannot TELL you how difficult it is to remix an author as amazing as she is. It has been a humbling experience. I settled on If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink, and decided to do a prequel of sorts. Thanks so much to rivers_bend for the beta!
If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)
Jared is sitting on Alexis Bledel's couch, her head on his shoulder and her hair in his mouth, when he realizes he's gay. Not that he hadn't thought about it before, but that's when it really hits him. She's warm and curvy and breathing through slack lips all red from kissing him, her hand brushing across his chest and down to his waist. But all Jared can really focus on is his right foot being asleep where it's tucked under him and the nagging thought that he may have accidentally left his apartment door unlocked.
"You okay?" she asks, and pulls back. Her big blue eyes are even bigger and bluer than usual. She's clearly doing it on purpose to make him feel guilty.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking. But you're all stiff and-"
Jared raises his eyebrows.
"Not like that, jerk," Alexis says, trying not to laugh. She elbows him delicately in the side, then shrugs. Neither of them mention that's he's not actually stiff at all.
But Jared's thinking it. If he were on a couch with Trip the PA instead, it'd be a very different story. He's positive.
"Just distracted, I guess," Jared mumbles, and takes Alexis's hand, twining their fingers together to keep her from grabbing where he'd really rather she not grab. "I should probably be getting back, now that I think about it."
"But you just got here," she says plaintively.
"Sorry." He doesn't even try to make an excuse-just pushes up off the couch, listening to the soft crackle of static when their sweaters rub and pull apart. "See you tomorrow."
"Sleep well," Alexis says, and waves from the couch when Jared lets himself out.
He doesn't sleep well, though. That night, he jerks off four times thinking about cock-sucking and ass-fucking. He feels pretty bad afterwards, and mostly just stares at the ceiling until his alarm goes off for his eight AM call.
*
Jared meets Sandra McCoy for the first time on the set of Cry_Wolf. Jeff Wadlow is teaching them how to play Wolf, and most people are fumbling through it like they've never acted before in their lives. Sandra's the best of all of them by far, just because she's so damn sweet and no one ever suspects her. She lies like it's nothing.
"Wow," Jared says, after the third time she wins. It was the tie-breaker, because they'd both won two rounds. "You rock at this game, Sandra."
"Sandy," she says, and smiles her big, bright smile. "I don't rock, really. You just suck."
That's a lie, too. Jared's awesome at Wolf. "A bunch of us are going to McCormack's tonight. Wanna come with?"
"Lindy already invited me," she says, casually pulling her glossy hair up into a long, straight ponytail. "God, I'm starving. Gonna get some food. See you at the bar, Jared."
"See you, Sandy." She gives him a little wave and runs off, graceful as always, even though she's just going to grab a burrito from craft services. Jared rubs absently at his chest, trying to piece together a concrete plan from all the little ideas popping up in his head.
Sandy's the best liar Jared knows. She's sweet and beautiful and competitive and never curses and isn't afraid to give him shit. He really, really wants to hang out with her and has no desire at all to get in bed with her.
She'd be the perfect girlfriend.
*
"So you want me to be your beard?" Sandy says, laughing quietly when they're out together at Highland Grounds, just them.
Cry_Wolf finished filming a month or two ago, but they've been seeing a lot of each other anyway. They both live in LA, and Sandy's by far the most fun person Jared's ever spent time with. Way better than his douchey high school friends and way better than pretentious Alexis. They talk about everything; she told him about her family, about how hard it is for her still. About how she did some stuff she's not proud of after they died just because of how deep she'd sunk. She still has scars on the insides of her thighs.
Jared told her he was gay after she hiked up her skirt and showed him. He hadn't ever told anyone else, and Sandy deserved to know. She deserved to be the first. He was worried things would change, but they didn't. She smiled and said she already knew. That she loved him for it, and anyone else worth their salt would, too.
By "anyone else", she'd meant his family, though. Not the networks or the studios.
Jared bounces his knee restlessly. "Well, I didn't really-I just wondered if you would-"
"You want me to be your beard," Sandy says again, smirking. "Luckily, I’m in the market for a hot gay boyfriend who lets me sleep with anyone I want."
Jared ducks his head and laughs, embarrassed. "If that's how you want to look at it."
"It is," Sandy says, and tweaks Jared's nose like he's five years old.
"My agent thinks I should have a girlfriend. I don't know, though-that feels sort of weird. I guess I should just keep it quiet until I'm big enough I can get work even if people know."
"What's Hollywood without a couple PR stunts?" Sandy shrugs and leans into Jared where they're pressed together, tucked in the corner of the booth. "It'll be okay, Jared."
"Sure it will, baby," Jared says, testing it out in his mouth. It tastes pretty good, so he slides an arm around Sandy's tan shoulders. She raises an eyebrow, but still smiles sweetly. She's not lying this time.
*
Jared finally has it all figured out. Everything's great.
Everything's great until the day Jared has an audition for a new genre show on the WB, anyway. The moment Jared Padalecki meets Jensen Ackles, everything in his world comes to a screeching halt.
"I'm Jared," he says, trying not to sound breathless. Jensen is the hottest man he's ever seen in his life. He's perfect in every possible way.
"Jensen," Jensen says, and smiles. Jared's chest tingles.
They shake hands, strong grip on strong grip, and Jared's heart thumps and his palms go embarrassingly sweaty and he can't think of anything smart to say. "So where is everyone?" he asks after a moment, but he doesn't look around because he can't take his eyes off Jensen.
"There isn't anyone. It's just us." Jensen rubs the back of his neck and licks his lips, traces of his smile still happily creasing the skin by his eyes.
"Oh," Jared says. It's all he can do not to let his mouth hang open. He thinks inanely of his mother telling him he'd catch flies in it if he left it like that. "Uh, so," he starts, trying to keep his mouth in motion. "Where're you from?"
Jensen takes the small-talk bait, and they end up chatting until the producers finally call them in. He's from Texas. He has an older brother and a younger sister. He's done a fair amount of TV work before, got into it pretty young. It's kind of ridiculous, really, how much they have in common. How easy it is to talk to Jensen.
That's really all he needs. The jolt of overwhelming attraction and a quick, friendly chat. It's probably stupid and melodramatic, but Jensen is it for him. He just is. Jared knows that as surely as he knows the sun's gonna come up tomorrow and that Emmitt Smith's gonna make the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. It doesn't matter that he and Jensen only just met, that they've barely exchanged two-dozen words. That there isn't really such thing as love at first sight. Jared feels like he's going to throw up all of his vital organs, and that's more than enough.
Jared woos Jensen with friendship, with his enthusiasm, diving in with all this heart because he can't let it go any further than that. He can't let himself get in too deep, and he can't ruin his carefully laid-out career. He can't lose Jensen's casual touches and bright, crinkle-eyed smiles and stupid, hilarious sarcasm.
They're thrown together up in Canada, sharing a truck every morning on the long, cold drive to set. Jensen's seriously thinking about trying to wiggle out of his contract, and Jared plays along. But his heart's not really in it when Jensen pulls him into conspiring quietly in the back seat, spitting sharp words about certain networks which assure them they'll be filming at home in LA when really they're going to be shipped off to the frozen tundra against their wills.
Luckily they have each other. A plus because Jared doesn't have to be alone by himself, as it were, but a minus because it makes him ever-crazier. He's tucked away in this isolated little world, just him and Jensen, all on their own. He talks to Sandy pretty much every day on the phone, and his family at least once a week, but it's still an emotional strain. Jensen's right there beside him every time Jared starts pacing restlessly, though, ready with a beer and soft words and good advice.
Jared never says that sometimes it just makes him more restless.
Jensen humors him when Jared tries to climb him like a tree, and when he grabs Jensen for noogies, and when Jared playfully tries to kiss him in front of crowds of people-more than once. It's stuff any dudes would do, Jared's sure. Playing gay and laughing it up is totally normal, but Jared's burning hot through it all. Jensen laughs and plays along like a good friend, even if sometimes he does say stuff that makes Jared wonder. They're thick as thieves but nothing more.
It'll have to do.
*
They get through the grueling hours and physical drain together. Season one ends in a flurry of excitement and anxiety. Everyone's either entirely positive Supernatural will get picked up for season two, or entirely positive it won't. Jared and Jensen are hitting the punch at the wrap party pretty hard, and they may or may not have spiked it with a whole second bottle of rum. Robert Singer is slurring his words and talking baby-talk about his niece. It's pretty frightening.
Mike the stuntman brings cigars for everyone, and Jared and Jensen each take one. They have to go out back to smoke them, half the crew giving dirty looks to everyone with a cigar and hacking out phony coughs. The grass is sort of wet but Jared and Jensen sit on it anyway, and the cold soaking into Jared's jeans actually feels sort of good, cutting through his drunk daze. "Hey," he says, lazy but emboldened at the same time.
"Hmm?" Jensen mumbles. He's looking up at the sky, fingers in the cold wet grass, head tipped back so his throat is long and pale in the moonlight.
"So I might not ever see you again." Jared ducks his head and fiddles with the frayed hem of his jeans.
"Don't be retarded," Jensen says. His eyes are closed.
"Well if we don't get picked back up-"
"I'll still see you. We're both gonna be in LA."
"I have a lot of friends who live in LA I hardly ever see."
"Yeah, but they're not me." Jensen smiles, just a little smile, but Jared sees everything in it.
"You saying you wanna see me?" Jared holds his breath, even though the question could sound completely innocent to Jensen.
Jensen doesn't answer. He just licks his lips like he always does. They stare at each for a long moment, but it's not awkward or uncomfortable. Jared's just thinking about Jensen's eyes, about his nose, about his mouth and that time they almost came to blows but ended up hugging it out instead.
"I'm gay," Jared says. It doesn't seem random, though it technically isn't relevant.
Jensen still doesn't say anything. He just leans in and kisses Jared, soft and open. He tastes like rum and spit, and his tongue curls up gently under Jared's top lip. Jared breathes sharply through his nose, surprised, and tips forward until he's kneeling up over Jensen, arms going around his back and holding him close, their chests pressed tight and warm together in the cool of the night. Jensen makes a barely audible noise in the back of his throat, and Jared opens wider, pulls back and kisses deeper. He's probably making noises, too, but all he can hear is the rush of his blood in his ears.
When he finally pulls back, knees wet and cold and protesting, Jensen is breathing harsh and heavy. "I know," he says, and everything changes again. They lie there for some indeterminate amount of time, and Jared mostly just listens to Jensen's slow, steady breaths, blissfully thinking about nothing at all. His dick is half-hard and he doesn't even care. They only get up when they start shivering, wordlessly ducking back inside to rejoin the party. It's getting late, and people are starting to filter out.
Jared calls a cab and spends the ten minutes before it arrives saying goodbye to everyone, not sure what any of their fates will be. He's just giving a last wave when he feels warmth by his side. Jensen's leaning back on the wall next to him, must've sidled up when Jared was shouting to Mike the stunt guy.
He clears his throat and turns to Jensen. His hands hang awkwardly-he doesn't really know what to do with them. He shrugs. "So I guess this is goodbye?" Jared tries lamely, not sure how to act after that kiss outside. He wants to pretend like it never happened, like there's still that last distance between them, or he'll be completely fucked.
Jensen raises an eyebrow and licks his lips, pressing them together before he speaks, quiet and hoarse. "I wasn't really planning on goodbye just yet, no. Thinking more like a shared cab."
"Oh." It's a stupid cliché, but it really does feel like Jared's heart skips a beat. He didn't think that ever really happened. He presses a hand nervously over his chest.
Jensen swallows and his eyes flick sideways, away from Jared's face. "Unless you don’t want-"
"Yes! Yes, let's-uh. We can definitely share a cab." Jared nods his head towards the door, a horn honking right on time. He shoves his hands in his pockets when Jensen turns away, trying to keep them from shaking.
Jared gives the driver directions to his place, and the fuzzy haze of alcohol manages to make the entire ride last about two seconds. The next thing he knows, he's swiping his key in the elevator and Jensen is shuffling purposefully towards him.
"I lied," Jensen murmurs. Jared has a sharp moment of panic while he imagines the worst before Jensen continues. "Wasn't sharing your cab. I was coming home with you."
"Got that part," Jared whispers, curling a finger under Jensen's smooth chin to tilt his face up. "Gonna kiss you again."
Jensen just lets his eyes flutter closed, so Jared kisses them first, one soft press of lips to each eyelid. He just gets to Jensen's mouth when the elevator dings and the doors slide open on Jared's suite of rooms.
They beeline for the bed, no pretense or talking or pouring more drinks. Jared sits on it heavily, so glad he's got clean sheets and it's made up. Not that Jensen hasn't seen his place looking like a gross bachelor pad on numerous occasions, but this time-this time it has to be perfect.
Jensen doesn't waste any time, either, kneeing up onto the bed, thighs spread across Jared's lap. Jared leans back on his elbows and tries to steady his breathing, tries to drink in the whole sight at once. Jensen's jeans pulled tight across the bulge of his fly, his rumpled shirt that started out the night pressed and perfect. Jensen's face, lips slack and eyes wide and dark. It doesn't feel real, somehow. And Jared's so hard-he wants to ignore his dick, pay attention to Jensen, but the throb of it is an insistent, thrumming heat.
Jensen takes Jared's face in his hands and kisses him again, picking up where they left off. Jared parts his lips and follows along as Jensen tastes his mouth, nipping some, pressing deeper. It's amazing. Jensen's far and away the best kisser Jared's ever experienced. He knows how to pick 'em. Jared slides his hands up Jensen's back, under his shirt, just feeling the smooth skin and hard muscle and trying to learn the dips of Jensen's spine and ribs. Wants to feel everything he can reach. That his dick's fattening up already just from some kissing and tame groping is both embarrassing and thrilling. Jared's never been this turned on. Never.
When Jensen starts shifting rhythmically on Jared's lap, almost imperceptibly, Jared pulls back with a soft wet sound. He can't help smiling, face hot and thumbs rubbing up and down Jensen's sides. "Hey," he says, trying to remember English. "You-uh-"
"Sorry," Jensen says, blushing bright red. He starts to scramble off Jared's lap, but Jared just grabs Jensen's hips and keeps him in place. "No, that's good. I like it."
"Yeah?" Jensen sits up again, sliding forward tentatively until his fly is rubbing against Jared's.
"Yeah." Jared rubs his palms over Jensen's thighs, digging his fingertips in some. Jensen leans down to touch his forehead to Jared's, mouth open as he pants a little. "You hard for me right now?" Jared asks, just a whisper, lips brushing Jensen's.
"Yeah. Real hard," Jensen whispers, each word full of heavy effort. Jared can feel the heat of Jensen's cheeks and catches his breath as Jensen rocks against him to prove his point.
"Feel it," Jared says, awkwardness nothing in the face of how badly he wants something, anything to satisfy the heat burning him up. He slides his hands to Jensen's ass, cupping and kneading and shifting his own hips up a little, pressing them closer together, dicks unmistakably thrusting against each other's. "Me too."
"Jared," Jensen says, and Jared tries to look up, his nose grazing Jensen's, but Jensen's eyes are closed, like he has to pretend Jared's not looking at him when he murmurs, "want you to fuck me."
Jared's fingers tighten reflexively on Jensen's ass and he makes a high, pathetic noise in the back of his throat. "You do? I-god, I want to. So bad. But I've never-"
"I know," Jensen says, and finally meets Jared's eyes. "It's okay, don't care. We'll make it work."
"Fuck, Jensen-I don't-I've wanted this since the very first second I saw you. I'm not even kidding. Felt so right. Never been with a guy before, and I don't care. Wanna fuck you." He pulls at Jensen's shirt, trying to quash the frantic urge to rip it off. Instead he slides it over Jensen's head without a hitch. Next comes the belt and socks and jeans, and Jared's further gone with every inch of Jensen's skin he sees.
He's still fully clothed when Jensen's naked, straddling his lap again, rubbing up against Jared, through his clothes. It's the hottest thing Jared's ever done, just sitting on the bed in his clothes while Jensen rocks and shifts there, Jared kissing him and running his hands everywhere he can reach. "C'mon," Jensen says finally, and starts helping Jared out of his clothes, too.
Jared presses Jensen back onto the bed when he's stripped down, hands on Jensen's shoulders, hips between Jensen's thighs. "Like this. Wanna look at you."
Jensen nods, flushing all the way down to his chest. He spreads his thighs apart wider and Jared swallows thickly, watching Jensen's dick bobbing against his stomach, red and straining, thick and veiny with need. He takes it in one hand, gingerly at first, then working it harder, faster, watching as he coaxes oozing dribbles of precome from the slit. "Want it real bad, huh?" he asks, and Jensen can only nod, groaning in the back of his throat as Jared runs a slick thumb around the crown of Jensen's cock. He's loath to let go, to miss anything, any face or sound Jensen makes. "Don't touch 'til I get back, okay? Gotta get stuff."
He fumbles in the medicine cabinet for the unopened box of condoms and the lube, picturing Jensen spread out under him, cock in his hand, even when he's trying to focus on getting the right tube.
"C'mon," Jensen says again, and Jared can't help but hear it like a sweet little beg. He holds his dick in one hand on his way back so it doesn't smack around and make him look like too much of a dork.
"Got it." He takes one long look at Jensen before sliding back between his spread knees, shifting forward until Jensen's thighs rest on top of Jared's. "Fuck, I can't believe this is happening."
"Please," Jensen says, and Jared almost loses it right there.
"Gotta tell me if I'm doin' okay, Jensen," Jared says, and starts lubing up his fingers, Jensen's pink little hole, trying to do it just like he's seen in porn.
"Just-oh god-just fine." Jared's working a fingertip at Jensen's hole nice and slow, pushing in and pulling back out a little at a time, lube in hand. Jensen spreads his legs wider, tilts his hips up and whimpers some as Jared's finger slides in deeper.
Jensen takes two more fingers, twisting on the bed, panting and moaning and drawing a leg up to grip tight under his thigh, leaving him spread open and wet with lube for Jared. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," he says, a litany as Jared fumbles trying to get the condom on, stretching it over the too-thick head of his dick, rolling it awkwardly as far down the fat shaft as it can go.
"Sorry, just-the condom's-"
Jensen laughs breathlessly, head thrown back on the pillow. "Jesus. Should've known."
A too-small condom's better than none at all, so Jared leans forward, shoulder under one of Jensen's knees, head of his cock pressing at Jensen's lubed-up hole. "Okay?"
"Jared-yeah. C'mon-" Jensen looks up, eyes wide and wet, and licks at his lips.
Jared pushes in, so slow, and god-it's perfect. It's hard to get the head of his dick all the way in, partially just because it's big and Jensen's so tight, but also because he can't even focus on what he should be doing when Jensen's around him like this, under him, real and here and being everything Jared's been wanting all year, everything Jared's ever going to want. He could do this for the rest of his life.
He finally shoves the head in completely, Jensen panting and urging him on, rocking his hips. He sits for a second, counts to ten and then again backwards, trying not to come as he feels the tight heat in his balls, pulling up his back. "So fucking hot, Jensen," he says, words coming unbidden. He can't help it, he just-has to say it. "You're so amazing. So tight and feel so good around me, fuck, just wanna-" he cuts himself off, embarrassed, and tightens his hands around Jensen's hips, instead, leaning down to kiss Jensen as he pumps slowly in and out, every muscle in his body shivering with how good, how hot, how tight Jensen is.
Jensen pulls Jared in with the leg wrapped around his waist, tongues Jared's mouth deep and dirty, moaning in the back of his throat as Jared picks up the pace. Sweat drips over their skin, and Jared can't stop the stupid grunts that come whenever he bottoms out in Jensen, the crazy, desperate urge to just fuck faster, harder, more. He can't last long, knows he can't, Jensen's everything he's been jerking off to for what feels like forever.
Reaching a hand down, Jared feels where he's disappearing inside Jensen, the twitching skin, how thin and hot it is to the touch, how sloppy with lube. "Christ," Jensen pants, putting a hand down with Jared's, squeezing his eyes shut and writhing like it's involuntary, like he's just losing all control and handing it squarely over to Jared. "Fuck me, Jared."
That's all it takes. Jared presses his forehead to Jensen's and breathes into his mouth as his hips snap erratically, skin slapping against skin, his balls tightening and his back curling as he feels the rush through his hips, up his spine, burning him up inside. "Coming," he manages, nothing more than a gasp of breath. "Jensen, oh god-Jensen-"
It's a release like nothing he's ever felt. His dick pumps inside Jensen's ass, slit working around the fat wads of spunk under the latex, and Jared dumps his load into the condom. He's still thrusting, still feeling it spin through him as he whines and clutches at Jensen's slick skin, so much jizz spurting out that it's filling the tip of the condom and pushing back over the thin skin of his shaft, slimy and hot against him as he moves deep and hard in Jensen. Jensen's staring right back at him, and the feeling that bursts through his chest right then is-beyond explanation.
He grabs at Jensen's dick and works it fast, fingers slick with lube and sweat, and it hardly takes anything at all for Jensen to keen and clutch at Jared's shoulders, eyes slamming shut and body tensing as his hips shove up into Jared's hand, dick swelling and pumping and shooting thick strings of jizz all over Jared's arm and stomach where he's bent over Jensen's body, still hard inside of him. Jensen's hole clenches around Jared's dick, his hands tighten, his whole body shuddering.
"Holy shit," Jensen says, heaving and sweating and gazing up at Jared as soon as he catches his breath. "First time, huh?"
"Beginner's luck, I guess," Jared says, grinning. He pinches the bottom of the condom and pulls out with an obscene noise. He gets the thing off without too much struggle, Jensen just watching him with wide, liquid eyes. "So-okay?"
Jensen rolls his eyes and grabs Jared's hand, yanking him back into the bed. "You're not leaving here for the rest of the night. And not because you need more practice."
Jared feels it deep in his bones when Jensen kisses him then, smiling broad and genuine into it. He wants this every single day for the rest of his life. The gravity of that isn't lost on him, and even after Jensen rides him to another spectacular orgasm that night, he ends up lying awake when Jensen's sleeping.
*
They get picked up for a second season. Jared answers the call from his agent when he's sitting on Jensen's couch, and a mix of elation and anxiety sweep over him in thick waves. He jumps up, runs into Jensen's kitchen, and whoops like a crazy person while grabbing Jensen around the ribs and hefting him bodily up into the air.
"I don't know why they always say dating your costar is bad," Jensen says, laughing breathlessly and smacking Jared hard on the back when his feet are finally on the ground again. "I think it's amazing. As far as I'm concerned, dating you is the best idea I ever had."
Jared's chest swells and he gets all dizzy, so he clutches Jensen tighter as he tips his head down for a deep, hungry victory kiss, which Jensen feeds back to him threefold.
He's so in love with Jensen it hurts. It's the kind of love his parents have. The growing-old love. 'Til-death-do-you-part. It's dedication, and it's being happier together than they ever could be apart.
Not that they'll ever be apart. Jared's not going to fuck this up.
*