Fic: Weird Creatures - Part 1-5
Title: Weird Creatures - Part 1-5
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Tosh, Owen, and Whooping Snakes.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: On a Rift retrieval, Ianto and Jack come across something that really shouldn’t exist in real life.
Word Count: 2273
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. I don’t own Whooping Snakes either, sadly.
Another day, another Rift alert, and as always, Ianto was putting his best foot forward. From the data collected by her monitoring programme, Tosh had told him whatever had come through was definitely organic, and almost certainly alive. So, here he and Jack were, mooching about Cathays Cemetery looking for… something that may or may not still be in the vicinity. For obvious reasons, living creatures didn’t tend to stick around at their point of arrival, usually seeking out somewhere safe to hide while they assessed their situation.
Strolling among the headstones, keeping half an eye on his scanner and the rest of his attention on where he was putting his feet, so he didn’t accidentally step on whatever he was looking for, Ianto was startled by a sudden and very unexpected sound.
‘WHOOP!’ it went, as what appeared to be a head shot up on a long, thin neck before vanishing again behind a nearby headstone.
Ianto paused, mid-step; surely he hadn’t just seen what he thought he had. Cautiously he crept towards the headstone and peered over the top. There, coiled neatly on the ground, half-hidden by grass that needed a good mowing, was a yellow snake with round, black eyes. It blinked up at him, and then…
‘WHOOP!’ Up went the head again, followed by a good eighteen inches of body, like some kind of serpentine Jack-in-a-box, then down, until the head rested tidily on the coils once more.
All Ianto could do was stare in disbelief as his eyebrows crept slowly up towards his hairline. The last time he’d seen anything like this creature had been in an animated movie he’d watched with Mica and David at Christmas, but now here one was, in the flesh, which absolutely should not be possible.
Okay, so some animated characters were based on real creatures, but he was almost certain there was no such thing as a real, live, flesh and blood Whooping Snake. Except for the inescapable fact that he was looking at one, and his scanner was assuring him it was genuine, not an hallucination or an alien shapeshifter in disguise.
For a snake, it was ridiculously cute, a word he wouldn’t normally apply to something reptilian. The large eyes were raised from the top of the head like a pair of black headlamps on the bonnet of a fancy car, there was a blunt snout above a wide and surprisingly flexible mouth, with not a fang in sight, and the butter-yellow body had delicate markings in a yellowish-brown colour down the length of its back. It blinked twice before whooping again.
Ianto stood stock-still, studying the unbelievable sight for several long minutes as he tried to wrap his head around what he was seeing. Maybe he’d accidentally stepped through a portal into an alternate reality or something… It was Jack’s voice through his Bluetooth earpiece that finally snapped him back to reality.
“Not picking up anything over here. How about you? Find anything?”
“Um…” Ianto blinked and the Whooping Snake blinked back. “Yep, found it, just not sure yet if it’s the only one.”
“Okay, stay put; I’m on my way.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Ianto waited patiently for Jack to reach him from the far side of the cemetery, watching the Whooping Snake, which merely blinked, and occasionally whooped.
“What’ve we got?” Jack said, picking his way between the graves to reach Ianto’s side.
“Whooping Snake.” Ianto pointed down behind the headstone.
‘WHOOP!’ The snake popped up and vanished again, but Ianto thought he detected an almost simultaneous answering whoop from some nearby bushes.
“Wow!” Jack grinned as he leaned over the headstone to study the new arrival. “Hello there!” Straightening up, he turned to Ianto. “You know what it is, so I’m guessing you’ve seen one before?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Makes a nice change. So, Whooping Snake; are they venomous?”
“How should I know? Until now, I had no idea they were even real!”
‘WHOOP!’
Okay, that hadn’t been the snake he was looking at. There was definitely another one in the bushes.
Jack looked puzzled. “What d’you mean you didn’t know they were real? You just told me you’ve seen one before!”
“In a movie, Jack! An animated movie at that. They weren’t even the main characters!”
“Seriously?”
“Do I look like I’m joking? And I think there’s another one in the bushes over there. I heard it whoop.”
“Right, you keep an eye on this one and I’ll go find its friend. Then we’d better scan the area in case there’s more.” Jack set off towards the bushes, checking behind every headstone and clump of grass as he went. It was always best to be thorough.
OoOoOoO
By the time the two men headed back to the Hub, they’d rounded up three Whooping Snakes, coaxing them into a containment unit but leaving the lid off so they wouldn’t bang their heads. It was an interesting drive, accompanied as it was by excited whoops coming from the SUV’s rear compartment.
“Do they do that all the time?” Jack asked, frowning.
“I don’t think so, just whenever they feel like it. Why?”
“They’re giving me a headache.”
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
The snakes seemed to be taking turns.
Ianto twisted around in his seat. “Shhhh!”
A single snaked popped up in the back, giving a muted ‘whoop.’
“Thank you.” Ianto smiled approvingly. How to train your Whooping Snake…
The rest of the journey was considerably quieter, although by no means silent.
OoOoOoO
“Did you find it?” Tosh asked from her workstation, spinning her chair around as Ianto and Jack entered the Hub from the underground garage.
“Them,” Ianto corrected, nodding at the containment box he was carrying, just as a snake whooped, shooting up and nearly hitting him on the nose. “Oops.”
Tosh’s eyes went wide. “Was that a Whooping Snake?” She was out of her chair in an instant, running over to peep into the box. “I had no idea they were actually real!”
“Neither did I,” Ianto admitted. “Nevertheless…”
“They’re so cute!”
“You wouldn’t think so if you’d had to put up with constant whooping all the way back,” Jack grumbled, following Ianto in.
“You’re exaggerating; it wasn’t all the time,” Ianto corrected. “And they did try to be quieter. They’re reptiles, they were bound to be a bit livelier in the warmth of the SUV.”
“A bit? They were up and down like yoyos! Maybe I should’ve turned the air-conditioning on full blast, cooled them off to shut them up.”
Ianto glared at his lover. “That would have been mean. They can’t help being what they are. How would you feel if someone tried to prevent you from flirting?”
Jack winced, remembering all the times the Doctor had done exactly that. “Okay, I see your point. Let them whoop if they want; it’s not like we can really stop them.” As apologies went it was a bit grudging, but better than nothing.
“Very gracious of you,” Ianto replied, dry as dust.
‘WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!’ the snakes agreed.
“Whatever. I’ll be in my office.” Jack turned away as Owen’s voice floated up from the medical bay, where he was supposedly reviewing files. In reality he’d been taking a crafty nap.
“What the fuck’s all the noise up there?” he yelled. “How d’you lot expect me to concentrate on my work?”
“You don’t honestly expect anyone to believe you were actually working down there, do you?” Ianto shouted back, smirking. “I’ve got some work for you now though; if you think you can stay awake long enough to concentrate.”
“Ha bloody ha. What kind of work?”
“Medical check on our latest Rift arrivals, make sure they’re healthy and give me some idea of what to feed them.” Ianto started down the steps to Owen’s domain, taking the box of Whooping Snakes with him.
“Just put whatever they are over there.” Owen gestured towards the autopsy table. “I’ll check them over while you make coffee. I’m parched.”
“You’ll get your coffee after I’ve got these guys settled,” Ianto said firmly. He wanted to be sure being outside in the chilly early spring weather hadn’t caused the snakes any harm. They seemed well enough, but he wasn’t a reptile expert.
Stomping over, Owen looked into the box. “They’re snakes. Send ‘em to the reptile house at the zoo.”
“Can’t,” Ianto insisted. “They’re Whooping Snakes, so either they’re alien or they’re from an alternate universe. Point is, they don’t belong here any more than Weevils or Hoix do, which makes them our responsibility.”
Owen gave an exasperated huff. “Fine, I’ll run a scanner over them if it’ll stop you fussing. If they snuff it, you, me, and Jack can all have a snakeskin belt.”
“Owen!” Ianto was shocked by the medic’s casual callousness.
“What? They’re cold-blooded reptiles. Don’t know why you’re making such a big deal over them; it’s not like they’re the kind of cute little furry creatures some idiots go ga-ga over.”
Turning to where he kept his equipment, Owen picked up one of his scanners and almost dropped it as…
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
“Jesus!” Whirling around, Owen stared at the box of snakes, clutching at his chest. “What the fuck was that?”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “Like I said, they’re Whooping Snakes,” he explained patiently. “Whooping Snakes whoop; if they didn’t, they’d be called something else.”
“But…”
“What?”
“Snakes hiss, if they make any sound at all. Everybody knows that!”
“These don’t.”
‘WHOOP!’ A snake popped up briefly and Owen’s eyes bugged out.
“That is NOT normal.”
“It is for them. Right, guys?”
‘WHOOP! WHOOP!’ The other two snakes got in on the act.
For a long moment, nobody did anything, then Ianto sighed.
“Are you going to scan them, or do I have to do it myself?”
Owen had his scanner in a white-knuckle grip. “What if they attack me?”
“Riiiight,” Ianto drawled. “Behold the vicious, man-eating Whooping Snakes. Out of every living alien creature we’ve had dumped on us, these have to be about the least threatening I’ve come across.”
“Says you.”
“They don’t even have teeth, Owen. About the only way they could hurt you would be if you tripped over one, and that’s not likely to happen since I have no intention of leaving them wandering loose in the Hub. It would probably be too cold for them; snakes generally hibernate in cold conditions.” He might not be a reptile expert, but Ianto knew that much. “Now stop dithering and scan them so I can get them settled in and fed. I’m sure they must be hungry.”
Approaching cautiously, Owen readied his scanner. The Whooping Snakes merely blinked innocently up at him, so, gritting his teeth, Torchwood’s medic reached over the edge of the containment box and ran the scanner over each snake in turn. Taking a few steps back when he was done, he studied the data he’d collected.
“What’s the verdict?” Ianto raised an eyebrow.
“Non-venomous,” Owen admitted. “They seem to be healthy enough, no evident injuries. Body temperature… I don’t know what’s normal for an earth snake, never mind an alien one.”
“I’ll do some research when I have time. Nutritional requirements?”
“I’ll need the biological scanner for that.” It was a nifty piece of tech that extrapolated what was safe for a particular individual to eat based on its biology and body chemistry. Fetching the device, Owen hovered it uncertainly over the three snakes until Ianto snatched it out of his hands.
“We’ll be here all day at this rate.” Gently he pressed the sensor to each snake in turn, getting a trio of muted whoops in response, then handed it back to Owen. “I’ll let you interpret the results.”
“Gee, thanks.” Owen studied the screen, a frown gradually etching itself into his forehead. “You must’ve done something wrong.”
“Why?”
“According to this, your friends there should be fed a diet of Chinese takeaway, heavy on the pork dumplings.”
“Ah, that makes a sort of sense.” Ianto shrugged. “I can work with that. How about drinks?”
“I thought you’d never ask. Coffee’s fine.”
“Not for you; for the snakes! Hopefully not rice wine. Getting them intoxicated might not be the best idea.”
‘WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!’ the snakes agreed.
“Oh. Right.” Owen consulted his scanner. “Uh… warm water, Chrysanthemum tea, soy milk. They can handle regular tea, and coffee should be okay too, in small doses. Black or with soy milk, but no sugar; they’re already hyperactive enough.”
“You’re only saying they can have coffee so I’ll make some for you.”
“No, really. Says so right here.” Owen held up the biological scanner, pointing to its screen even though Ianto was too far away to read it.
“Coffee for you, warm water for our guests,” Ianto said firmly, picking up the box of snakes and heading for the steps. “At least until I get them some Chrysanthemum tea and soy milk. They’re not getting coffee though; from what I’ve seen so far, they don’t need the caffeine. I’ll rig a heat lamp over their box though, so they don’t get chilly while I’m working on some kind of heated enclosure for them.”
“I don’t get you. All this fuss over a bunch of dumb reptiles,” Owen grumbled. “It’s not like they’ll ever thank you for it.”
“Well, neither do you, and yet I still make sure you get fed and caffeinated. Why should I be less considerate of something I actually like?”
Leaving Owen staring after him with his mouth open, Ianto exited the med bay to find a cosy, out of the way spot to put his new charges.
TBC in Part Two
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Tosh, Owen, and Whooping Snakes.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: On a Rift retrieval, Ianto and Jack come across something that really shouldn’t exist in real life.
Word Count: 2273
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. I don’t own Whooping Snakes either, sadly.
Another day, another Rift alert, and as always, Ianto was putting his best foot forward. From the data collected by her monitoring programme, Tosh had told him whatever had come through was definitely organic, and almost certainly alive. So, here he and Jack were, mooching about Cathays Cemetery looking for… something that may or may not still be in the vicinity. For obvious reasons, living creatures didn’t tend to stick around at their point of arrival, usually seeking out somewhere safe to hide while they assessed their situation.
Strolling among the headstones, keeping half an eye on his scanner and the rest of his attention on where he was putting his feet, so he didn’t accidentally step on whatever he was looking for, Ianto was startled by a sudden and very unexpected sound.
‘WHOOP!’ it went, as what appeared to be a head shot up on a long, thin neck before vanishing again behind a nearby headstone.
Ianto paused, mid-step; surely he hadn’t just seen what he thought he had. Cautiously he crept towards the headstone and peered over the top. There, coiled neatly on the ground, half-hidden by grass that needed a good mowing, was a yellow snake with round, black eyes. It blinked up at him, and then…
‘WHOOP!’ Up went the head again, followed by a good eighteen inches of body, like some kind of serpentine Jack-in-a-box, then down, until the head rested tidily on the coils once more.
All Ianto could do was stare in disbelief as his eyebrows crept slowly up towards his hairline. The last time he’d seen anything like this creature had been in an animated movie he’d watched with Mica and David at Christmas, but now here one was, in the flesh, which absolutely should not be possible.
Okay, so some animated characters were based on real creatures, but he was almost certain there was no such thing as a real, live, flesh and blood Whooping Snake. Except for the inescapable fact that he was looking at one, and his scanner was assuring him it was genuine, not an hallucination or an alien shapeshifter in disguise.
For a snake, it was ridiculously cute, a word he wouldn’t normally apply to something reptilian. The large eyes were raised from the top of the head like a pair of black headlamps on the bonnet of a fancy car, there was a blunt snout above a wide and surprisingly flexible mouth, with not a fang in sight, and the butter-yellow body had delicate markings in a yellowish-brown colour down the length of its back. It blinked twice before whooping again.
Ianto stood stock-still, studying the unbelievable sight for several long minutes as he tried to wrap his head around what he was seeing. Maybe he’d accidentally stepped through a portal into an alternate reality or something… It was Jack’s voice through his Bluetooth earpiece that finally snapped him back to reality.
“Not picking up anything over here. How about you? Find anything?”
“Um…” Ianto blinked and the Whooping Snake blinked back. “Yep, found it, just not sure yet if it’s the only one.”
“Okay, stay put; I’m on my way.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Ianto waited patiently for Jack to reach him from the far side of the cemetery, watching the Whooping Snake, which merely blinked, and occasionally whooped.
“What’ve we got?” Jack said, picking his way between the graves to reach Ianto’s side.
“Whooping Snake.” Ianto pointed down behind the headstone.
‘WHOOP!’ The snake popped up and vanished again, but Ianto thought he detected an almost simultaneous answering whoop from some nearby bushes.
“Wow!” Jack grinned as he leaned over the headstone to study the new arrival. “Hello there!” Straightening up, he turned to Ianto. “You know what it is, so I’m guessing you’ve seen one before?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Makes a nice change. So, Whooping Snake; are they venomous?”
“How should I know? Until now, I had no idea they were even real!”
‘WHOOP!’
Okay, that hadn’t been the snake he was looking at. There was definitely another one in the bushes.
Jack looked puzzled. “What d’you mean you didn’t know they were real? You just told me you’ve seen one before!”
“In a movie, Jack! An animated movie at that. They weren’t even the main characters!”
“Seriously?”
“Do I look like I’m joking? And I think there’s another one in the bushes over there. I heard it whoop.”
“Right, you keep an eye on this one and I’ll go find its friend. Then we’d better scan the area in case there’s more.” Jack set off towards the bushes, checking behind every headstone and clump of grass as he went. It was always best to be thorough.
OoOoOoO
By the time the two men headed back to the Hub, they’d rounded up three Whooping Snakes, coaxing them into a containment unit but leaving the lid off so they wouldn’t bang their heads. It was an interesting drive, accompanied as it was by excited whoops coming from the SUV’s rear compartment.
“Do they do that all the time?” Jack asked, frowning.
“I don’t think so, just whenever they feel like it. Why?”
“They’re giving me a headache.”
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
The snakes seemed to be taking turns.
Ianto twisted around in his seat. “Shhhh!”
A single snaked popped up in the back, giving a muted ‘whoop.’
“Thank you.” Ianto smiled approvingly. How to train your Whooping Snake…
The rest of the journey was considerably quieter, although by no means silent.
OoOoOoO
“Did you find it?” Tosh asked from her workstation, spinning her chair around as Ianto and Jack entered the Hub from the underground garage.
“Them,” Ianto corrected, nodding at the containment box he was carrying, just as a snake whooped, shooting up and nearly hitting him on the nose. “Oops.”
Tosh’s eyes went wide. “Was that a Whooping Snake?” She was out of her chair in an instant, running over to peep into the box. “I had no idea they were actually real!”
“Neither did I,” Ianto admitted. “Nevertheless…”
“They’re so cute!”
“You wouldn’t think so if you’d had to put up with constant whooping all the way back,” Jack grumbled, following Ianto in.
“You’re exaggerating; it wasn’t all the time,” Ianto corrected. “And they did try to be quieter. They’re reptiles, they were bound to be a bit livelier in the warmth of the SUV.”
“A bit? They were up and down like yoyos! Maybe I should’ve turned the air-conditioning on full blast, cooled them off to shut them up.”
Ianto glared at his lover. “That would have been mean. They can’t help being what they are. How would you feel if someone tried to prevent you from flirting?”
Jack winced, remembering all the times the Doctor had done exactly that. “Okay, I see your point. Let them whoop if they want; it’s not like we can really stop them.” As apologies went it was a bit grudging, but better than nothing.
“Very gracious of you,” Ianto replied, dry as dust.
‘WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!’ the snakes agreed.
“Whatever. I’ll be in my office.” Jack turned away as Owen’s voice floated up from the medical bay, where he was supposedly reviewing files. In reality he’d been taking a crafty nap.
“What the fuck’s all the noise up there?” he yelled. “How d’you lot expect me to concentrate on my work?”
“You don’t honestly expect anyone to believe you were actually working down there, do you?” Ianto shouted back, smirking. “I’ve got some work for you now though; if you think you can stay awake long enough to concentrate.”
“Ha bloody ha. What kind of work?”
“Medical check on our latest Rift arrivals, make sure they’re healthy and give me some idea of what to feed them.” Ianto started down the steps to Owen’s domain, taking the box of Whooping Snakes with him.
“Just put whatever they are over there.” Owen gestured towards the autopsy table. “I’ll check them over while you make coffee. I’m parched.”
“You’ll get your coffee after I’ve got these guys settled,” Ianto said firmly. He wanted to be sure being outside in the chilly early spring weather hadn’t caused the snakes any harm. They seemed well enough, but he wasn’t a reptile expert.
Stomping over, Owen looked into the box. “They’re snakes. Send ‘em to the reptile house at the zoo.”
“Can’t,” Ianto insisted. “They’re Whooping Snakes, so either they’re alien or they’re from an alternate universe. Point is, they don’t belong here any more than Weevils or Hoix do, which makes them our responsibility.”
Owen gave an exasperated huff. “Fine, I’ll run a scanner over them if it’ll stop you fussing. If they snuff it, you, me, and Jack can all have a snakeskin belt.”
“Owen!” Ianto was shocked by the medic’s casual callousness.
“What? They’re cold-blooded reptiles. Don’t know why you’re making such a big deal over them; it’s not like they’re the kind of cute little furry creatures some idiots go ga-ga over.”
Turning to where he kept his equipment, Owen picked up one of his scanners and almost dropped it as…
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
‘WHOOP!’
“Jesus!” Whirling around, Owen stared at the box of snakes, clutching at his chest. “What the fuck was that?”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “Like I said, they’re Whooping Snakes,” he explained patiently. “Whooping Snakes whoop; if they didn’t, they’d be called something else.”
“But…”
“What?”
“Snakes hiss, if they make any sound at all. Everybody knows that!”
“These don’t.”
‘WHOOP!’ A snake popped up briefly and Owen’s eyes bugged out.
“That is NOT normal.”
“It is for them. Right, guys?”
‘WHOOP! WHOOP!’ The other two snakes got in on the act.
For a long moment, nobody did anything, then Ianto sighed.
“Are you going to scan them, or do I have to do it myself?”
Owen had his scanner in a white-knuckle grip. “What if they attack me?”
“Riiiight,” Ianto drawled. “Behold the vicious, man-eating Whooping Snakes. Out of every living alien creature we’ve had dumped on us, these have to be about the least threatening I’ve come across.”
“Says you.”
“They don’t even have teeth, Owen. About the only way they could hurt you would be if you tripped over one, and that’s not likely to happen since I have no intention of leaving them wandering loose in the Hub. It would probably be too cold for them; snakes generally hibernate in cold conditions.” He might not be a reptile expert, but Ianto knew that much. “Now stop dithering and scan them so I can get them settled in and fed. I’m sure they must be hungry.”
Approaching cautiously, Owen readied his scanner. The Whooping Snakes merely blinked innocently up at him, so, gritting his teeth, Torchwood’s medic reached over the edge of the containment box and ran the scanner over each snake in turn. Taking a few steps back when he was done, he studied the data he’d collected.
“What’s the verdict?” Ianto raised an eyebrow.
“Non-venomous,” Owen admitted. “They seem to be healthy enough, no evident injuries. Body temperature… I don’t know what’s normal for an earth snake, never mind an alien one.”
“I’ll do some research when I have time. Nutritional requirements?”
“I’ll need the biological scanner for that.” It was a nifty piece of tech that extrapolated what was safe for a particular individual to eat based on its biology and body chemistry. Fetching the device, Owen hovered it uncertainly over the three snakes until Ianto snatched it out of his hands.
“We’ll be here all day at this rate.” Gently he pressed the sensor to each snake in turn, getting a trio of muted whoops in response, then handed it back to Owen. “I’ll let you interpret the results.”
“Gee, thanks.” Owen studied the screen, a frown gradually etching itself into his forehead. “You must’ve done something wrong.”
“Why?”
“According to this, your friends there should be fed a diet of Chinese takeaway, heavy on the pork dumplings.”
“Ah, that makes a sort of sense.” Ianto shrugged. “I can work with that. How about drinks?”
“I thought you’d never ask. Coffee’s fine.”
“Not for you; for the snakes! Hopefully not rice wine. Getting them intoxicated might not be the best idea.”
‘WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!’ the snakes agreed.
“Oh. Right.” Owen consulted his scanner. “Uh… warm water, Chrysanthemum tea, soy milk. They can handle regular tea, and coffee should be okay too, in small doses. Black or with soy milk, but no sugar; they’re already hyperactive enough.”
“You’re only saying they can have coffee so I’ll make some for you.”
“No, really. Says so right here.” Owen held up the biological scanner, pointing to its screen even though Ianto was too far away to read it.
“Coffee for you, warm water for our guests,” Ianto said firmly, picking up the box of snakes and heading for the steps. “At least until I get them some Chrysanthemum tea and soy milk. They’re not getting coffee though; from what I’ve seen so far, they don’t need the caffeine. I’ll rig a heat lamp over their box though, so they don’t get chilly while I’m working on some kind of heated enclosure for them.”
“I don’t get you. All this fuss over a bunch of dumb reptiles,” Owen grumbled. “It’s not like they’ll ever thank you for it.”
“Well, neither do you, and yet I still make sure you get fed and caffeinated. Why should I be less considerate of something I actually like?”
Leaving Owen staring after him with his mouth open, Ianto exited the med bay to find a cosy, out of the way spot to put his new charges.
TBC in Part Two