Twilight will send me to an early grave.
I just started reading the book Twilight after hating it from afar for nearly a year, and I'm about a little over halfway through it (and I really don't care about spoilers). So I decided to look for Twilight/Supernatural crossovers to spork because they seem to be breeding these days. I was not disappointed. For instance I found this little fic in which Bella is a long-lost Winchester sister. No, I'm not kidding, though I wish I was.
Sporking in bold.
It was a well kept secret,
That Robert Pattinson was really just an incredibly hairy woman.
Most days they were able to ignore the fact that somewhere in the world they had a little sister going by the name of Bella Swan.
I know I'd try to ignore that fact, too, if I were them. Who would want Bella for a little sister?
Their uncle Charlie was raising her, their Dad’s awesome little brother from a different father.
That's what we call a "half-brother," sweetie. *adds "half-brother" to List of Words and Phrases that Badfic Authors Don't Understand and/or Know About*
The guy was aweseom, a cop sure but they never counted that against him.
And he was perfectly fine with the fact that his nephews committed fraud, identity theft, and grave desecration on a regular basis.
See, the thing was, about 18 years ago John Winchester had angry, drunk sex with Renee Swan who was pissed at her life and her husband who had trapped her where she was. It would have fine if it had been some random chick but their dad had slept with his brother’s wife and when she had gotten pregnant everyone had known whose kid it was.
*cue the melodramatic soap opera music*
Dean had been wight
The state of being both "right" and "white."
Every few years they would visit her.
Even though they begged John not to take them because the pretentiousness made them want to cry.
Dean had treasured those visits
He even kept them in a little box shaped like Oscar the Grouch's trash can.
They had had to pretend to be normal but they had been a family so everyone had been happy.
All of this use of the past perfect tense is getting confusing.
Then they had to start all over again.
They took Bella to Disney World even though Edward forbade her from going because he couldn't stalk her there.
Dean had found out she had been dating a bloodsucker.
And he had sliced that bloodsucker's head off in front of her because they annoyed him.
Bella had found out him and Sam were Hunters.
And she had fainted because that's what she does.
No one was happy.
But they went to Disney World anyway.
Something in her eyes changed and they were dull again, she stopped being a Winchester.
And she started being the whiny, pretentious idiot that she is.
Family.
This one's screwed to hell---that's for sure.
She was as dead in the eyes as Dean sometimes was.
Except that Dean had experienced actual pain, not wangst.
Then, after she had gotten back from the hospital after nearly killing herself jumping off a cliff,
You mean she didn't die? Dammit.
That was the last time Edward Cullen had made an appearance in Bella’s life.
And then Charlie forced Bella to enroll in therapy.
Once Bella had been safe graduation had rolled aruond and when it came time for Dean and Sam to leave she had decided to come with them.
Bella Swan as a hunter. *falls over laughing*
They were a family, they had found a way to be whole.
And then they dropped that whiny bitch off at the next backroads gas station.
Stephenie Meyer, I blame you for this. All of it. I hope you're happy. *goes to pout in a corner*