sometimes it feels good to go down the rabbit hole for a while

[babycatcher33]

Jack is at work, the Littles are sleeping, and Kim is at her drama performance; it's the perfect time for me to watch a movie in peace.  I've been wanting to see The Rabbit Hole but I know it may upset me so I wanted to watch it in private.  After 5 years, I feel like my grief has become even more private, almost as if I shouldn't still feel it as

Comments

[lululily]

No words, just love. I wish I'd known you then, so that I could have been there for you, and had a chance to hold her.

[mandella0021]

i might need to quote you. you always sum up grief so eloquently. i was thinking about this the other day. i had one of those random moments, not even anything specifically triggered it that i can remember, the catch you breath omFUCKINGgod this hurts so much i can't breath, how am i still living without her moments.

i was just driving. no kids in the car. listening to random rap or something that had no emotional connection to loss/catti. and i just missed her. in that instant. so intensely it hurt, hurt to breathe, hurt to think.

i felt guilty.

guilty that my life is so good and that it can be so good even w/o her here.

guilty that my life IS good and yet I miss her so much i can't breathe sometimes and that i'd give up THIS life in an instant, to be obese and whatever and just have her HERE.

it's never a win win. ever again. :/

<3

[ohglendora]

Love to you and yours <3

[babyslime]

I do the same thing. It's like somehow I forget that it happened, but not truly forgetting... it's hard to explain. It's more like an active denial: I'm still surviving, I'm still going on... how could this have happened? Sometimes I get out of the shower and see my cesarean scar in the mirror and I feel so lost when I look at it. It's like a black hole that sucks up memories and reality: it shouldn't exist, it DOESN'T exist, it makes no sense. It is living between these planes of reality, between something that happened and something that didn't - something I don't even remember. Grief is so confusing.

[thepereiras]

You said exactly the way I feel- it's been 3.5 years now and some days I feel so far from Faith and then I need to go back and look at all her pictures and I'm reminded of the horrendous tragedy of it all. I can't believe I survived that.