#1 - For Fourcoldpaws, From Your Secret Santa!
Title: Lost Boys...
For: fourcoldpaws
Pairing: Baro/CNU, Baro/Gongchan
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1,394
Warning: [Highlight *spoilers*] Character Death, suicide,
Summary: Baro is trying to deal with the biggest change he has had to face, but is it really worth it?
A/N: Merry Christmas fourcoldpaws!!! I hope you like it :3 The rating is due to the darkness of the fic… :3
It hadn't taken long for Baro to work out that it wasn't 'his' Shin Dongwoo that he woke up next to. He knew that he wasn't the original Cha Sunwoo so it didn't really bother him in that sense, but at the same time it bothered him tremendously. He didn't know how like Dongwoo, Shinwoo (or CNU) would be. He knew that he had changed completely from Sunwoo, well he'd been told he was completely different by Sunwoo's parents. It was a revolution of sorts, it was an infection. It made you someone else. Kind of. Basic things stayed the same, intelligence, appearance, and most of the time sexual orientation (but Baro had heard of cases where it changed). It wasn't exactly common for people to change but when they did, they were shunned, and sent to a special hospital if they couldn't hide their change. Baro had tried but his parents had worked it out. It took him 4 weeks to start sleeping with his exceptionally attractive, long haired doctor.
Baro had been reluctant at first as Dongwoo hadn't been changed, and he was scared it was transferable but Dongwoo had just laughed at him, it wasn't. It was random. It could affect anyone. "You know you're going to have to be him if you want to stay as a doctor here." was all Baro had said, he sounded like a bitch, he knew it. He was angry, someone had taken away the man he was pretty sure he might even say he loved. He knew Dongwoo had been in love with him. Which was something Shinwoo didn't do. Shinwoo did love him but Shinwoo was not in love with him. Shinwoo would never be in love with him. It was a feeling that Baro missed, to have someone in love with him. Changed people could not fall in love, but they could love so he had been aware that this would be the major change to them when he worked out Dongwoo had gone.
Shinwoo however was far better in bed than Dongwoo, so Baro let it slide that Shinwoo wasn't in love with him - as he could have never reciprocated it -. Sometimes Baro swore he saw flashes of Dongwoo in Shinwoo after they'd finished, Shinwoo would lie next to Baro and just draw shapes on Baro's arms with the pad of his finger. Dongwoo used to do that, but he'd sing as well. Shinwoo never sang to Baro. Dongwoo had a way of smiling, he had buck teeth and when he smiled he'd get embarrassed. Shinwoo had his teeth straightened, he was more confident now. He was a lot of things that Baro had wished Dongwoo had been, but just that fact made him dislike it.
Dongwoo was still in there and sometimes Baro wondered if Dongwoo was fighting to come back - although he knew that Sunwoo had never tried to reclaim his body. He'd heard it could happen, that people could go back. But he was sure that was all lies, lies that people told the broken-hearted to try to convince them that the person they once loved was still in there. Baro still loved Shinwoo and he couldn't explain why - well he couldn't be in love with him - but he felt such an attraction, he felt drawn to the man the same way he'd been drawn to Dongwoo - except Shinwoo was good in bed.
Baro enjoyed sleeping next to Shinwoo, he didn't have any of the habits he hated about Dongwoo, the kicking in his sleep, the sleep talking and the way he always wanted to cuddle even when Baro was over heating - just small things. Baro knew that this was somewhat an improvement on the way that Dongwoo used to be, but he still found himself missing the man more and more every day. Baro was thankful he was already changed. He was thankful that he never had to lose a partner to the change as Sunwoo. He hurt. He hurt so much, looking at Shinwoo hurt, sometimes. Sunwoo had a partner, Sunwoo was in a long term relationship with a boy named Chanshik when he changed. Baro remembered the way Chanshik had looked at him, knowing the man he was in love with was gone. He watched every day as Chanshik cried himself to sleep, he watched Chanshik's life fall apart. A life that he had taken from him without knowing, a past he could remember but only as if it was just a story. He'd watched Chanshik fall apart as a person, until the day he didn't come home. Until the day the police knocked, until the day Baro found it impossible to cry for him. Baro cried, but not for loss of love, but out of guilt.
Baro woke in the night, screaming. He couldn't breathe. He was haunted by the boy who's love he'd taken away, as if Shinwoo was a form of revenge, he looked over at the man sleeping next to him and he burst into tears. He wasn't ever going to be Dongwoo again, he was never going to press soft kisses to the tips of Baro's fingers, and tell him what it felt like to be in love - because Shinwoo couldn't do that. Baro cried until his crying awoke Shinwoo who just looked at him. "Why can't you still be him?" Baro said softly, before getting out of the bed. He was beginning to question whether he could do this anymore. He looked out the window, not saying anything else, he didn't have anything more to say to Shinwoo, he wanted Dongwoo back and that wasn't going to happen but he was beginning to crack. He was slowly being driven crazy by the man.
"You're being ridiculous. This is the best sex you've ever had." Baro rolled his eyes, Shinwoo looked at him with eyes that were the same as Dongwoo's - the same expression he had when Baro refused to cuddle him or when Baro found himself distracted and wouldn't give him attention. - "I have to be with you, I will be found out if we break up." Baro was hurt. He was just being used, he was just an accessory to a lie and although Shinwoo had rightly pointed out that the sex was far better with Shinwoo than it had been with Dongwoo, that wasn't the point. It never had been the point, and never would be anything to do with it. Baro just nodded, he didn't get back into bed, he didn't feel like it, he didn't feel like anything. He wondered if this was how Chanshik had felt, or if the emotions were more intense as he hadn't been changed.
Baro missed most things about Dongwoo, but he knew that he had to hide it, he knew that he had to keep going as if nothing was wrong because if he didn't he’d lose any glimpse of Dongwoo. But, then he knew that he was going to lose Dongwoo, he was losing him every single day, every day the boy grew less and less like the one he was in love with and more and more like someone else. Baro knew there would be nothing to end the heartbreak.
*+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+*
Baro kept telling himself this was the only way, as he stood with the razor pressed against his wrist and quickly slicing it, he moved to do the other one, knowing Shinwoo wasn’t going to be back for at least another hour. This was easier than outing him, this was easier than living with the pain. He finally understood how Gongchan had felt, he finally knew the despair. Gongchan had made the same choice, he’d suffered the same. Baro cut the other wrist and got in the bath, pushing his wrists under the water and closing his eyes.
*+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+*
Shinwoo screamed when he found him, dead. He knew why he’d done it, and he knew that there was nothing he could have done to stop it, but he sat by the bath crying, crying as Dongwoo would have done for Baro. He felt the loss, he felt Dongwoo’s pain, he’d been trying to be him so much that he knew how the man would have felt.
For: fourcoldpaws
Pairing: Baro/CNU, Baro/Gongchan
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1,394
Warning: [Highlight *spoilers*] Character Death, suicide,
Summary: Baro is trying to deal with the biggest change he has had to face, but is it really worth it?
A/N: Merry Christmas fourcoldpaws!!! I hope you like it :3 The rating is due to the darkness of the fic… :3
It hadn't taken long for Baro to work out that it wasn't 'his' Shin Dongwoo that he woke up next to. He knew that he wasn't the original Cha Sunwoo so it didn't really bother him in that sense, but at the same time it bothered him tremendously. He didn't know how like Dongwoo, Shinwoo (or CNU) would be. He knew that he had changed completely from Sunwoo, well he'd been told he was completely different by Sunwoo's parents. It was a revolution of sorts, it was an infection. It made you someone else. Kind of. Basic things stayed the same, intelligence, appearance, and most of the time sexual orientation (but Baro had heard of cases where it changed). It wasn't exactly common for people to change but when they did, they were shunned, and sent to a special hospital if they couldn't hide their change. Baro had tried but his parents had worked it out. It took him 4 weeks to start sleeping with his exceptionally attractive, long haired doctor.
Baro had been reluctant at first as Dongwoo hadn't been changed, and he was scared it was transferable but Dongwoo had just laughed at him, it wasn't. It was random. It could affect anyone. "You know you're going to have to be him if you want to stay as a doctor here." was all Baro had said, he sounded like a bitch, he knew it. He was angry, someone had taken away the man he was pretty sure he might even say he loved. He knew Dongwoo had been in love with him. Which was something Shinwoo didn't do. Shinwoo did love him but Shinwoo was not in love with him. Shinwoo would never be in love with him. It was a feeling that Baro missed, to have someone in love with him. Changed people could not fall in love, but they could love so he had been aware that this would be the major change to them when he worked out Dongwoo had gone.
Shinwoo however was far better in bed than Dongwoo, so Baro let it slide that Shinwoo wasn't in love with him - as he could have never reciprocated it -. Sometimes Baro swore he saw flashes of Dongwoo in Shinwoo after they'd finished, Shinwoo would lie next to Baro and just draw shapes on Baro's arms with the pad of his finger. Dongwoo used to do that, but he'd sing as well. Shinwoo never sang to Baro. Dongwoo had a way of smiling, he had buck teeth and when he smiled he'd get embarrassed. Shinwoo had his teeth straightened, he was more confident now. He was a lot of things that Baro had wished Dongwoo had been, but just that fact made him dislike it.
Dongwoo was still in there and sometimes Baro wondered if Dongwoo was fighting to come back - although he knew that Sunwoo had never tried to reclaim his body. He'd heard it could happen, that people could go back. But he was sure that was all lies, lies that people told the broken-hearted to try to convince them that the person they once loved was still in there. Baro still loved Shinwoo and he couldn't explain why - well he couldn't be in love with him - but he felt such an attraction, he felt drawn to the man the same way he'd been drawn to Dongwoo - except Shinwoo was good in bed.
Baro enjoyed sleeping next to Shinwoo, he didn't have any of the habits he hated about Dongwoo, the kicking in his sleep, the sleep talking and the way he always wanted to cuddle even when Baro was over heating - just small things. Baro knew that this was somewhat an improvement on the way that Dongwoo used to be, but he still found himself missing the man more and more every day. Baro was thankful he was already changed. He was thankful that he never had to lose a partner to the change as Sunwoo. He hurt. He hurt so much, looking at Shinwoo hurt, sometimes. Sunwoo had a partner, Sunwoo was in a long term relationship with a boy named Chanshik when he changed. Baro remembered the way Chanshik had looked at him, knowing the man he was in love with was gone. He watched every day as Chanshik cried himself to sleep, he watched Chanshik's life fall apart. A life that he had taken from him without knowing, a past he could remember but only as if it was just a story. He'd watched Chanshik fall apart as a person, until the day he didn't come home. Until the day the police knocked, until the day Baro found it impossible to cry for him. Baro cried, but not for loss of love, but out of guilt.
Baro woke in the night, screaming. He couldn't breathe. He was haunted by the boy who's love he'd taken away, as if Shinwoo was a form of revenge, he looked over at the man sleeping next to him and he burst into tears. He wasn't ever going to be Dongwoo again, he was never going to press soft kisses to the tips of Baro's fingers, and tell him what it felt like to be in love - because Shinwoo couldn't do that. Baro cried until his crying awoke Shinwoo who just looked at him. "Why can't you still be him?" Baro said softly, before getting out of the bed. He was beginning to question whether he could do this anymore. He looked out the window, not saying anything else, he didn't have anything more to say to Shinwoo, he wanted Dongwoo back and that wasn't going to happen but he was beginning to crack. He was slowly being driven crazy by the man.
"You're being ridiculous. This is the best sex you've ever had." Baro rolled his eyes, Shinwoo looked at him with eyes that were the same as Dongwoo's - the same expression he had when Baro refused to cuddle him or when Baro found himself distracted and wouldn't give him attention. - "I have to be with you, I will be found out if we break up." Baro was hurt. He was just being used, he was just an accessory to a lie and although Shinwoo had rightly pointed out that the sex was far better with Shinwoo than it had been with Dongwoo, that wasn't the point. It never had been the point, and never would be anything to do with it. Baro just nodded, he didn't get back into bed, he didn't feel like it, he didn't feel like anything. He wondered if this was how Chanshik had felt, or if the emotions were more intense as he hadn't been changed.
Baro missed most things about Dongwoo, but he knew that he had to hide it, he knew that he had to keep going as if nothing was wrong because if he didn't he’d lose any glimpse of Dongwoo. But, then he knew that he was going to lose Dongwoo, he was losing him every single day, every day the boy grew less and less like the one he was in love with and more and more like someone else. Baro knew there would be nothing to end the heartbreak.
*+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+*
Baro kept telling himself this was the only way, as he stood with the razor pressed against his wrist and quickly slicing it, he moved to do the other one, knowing Shinwoo wasn’t going to be back for at least another hour. This was easier than outing him, this was easier than living with the pain. He finally understood how Gongchan had felt, he finally knew the despair. Gongchan had made the same choice, he’d suffered the same. Baro cut the other wrist and got in the bath, pushing his wrists under the water and closing his eyes.
*+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+* *+*+*+*+*
Shinwoo screamed when he found him, dead. He knew why he’d done it, and he knew that there was nothing he could have done to stop it, but he sat by the bath crying, crying as Dongwoo would have done for Baro. He felt the loss, he felt Dongwoo’s pain, he’d been trying to be him so much that he knew how the man would have felt.