This a very interesting style. The way it all links back to soup is amusing and creates an intriguing flow to the entire thing (never look at alphabet soup the same way again.)
You do something subtle and really wonderful with viewpoint in this story, and I have to point it out because it's really rare and it works so well in this situation. It's here, in this paragraph:
Practice was harder than usual - statistics showed that global warming was increasing temperatures around the world, climates were changing slowly but surely, and Ryoma was as short as ever - this meant (according to Inui, anyway) that the Regulars had to train harder if they wanted to maintain or surpass their current achievements. The changing climates also meant more varieties of Inui juice, which kept Inui occupied, and kept Fuji entertained.Up to this point, we've got a camera view of Ryoma and we're listening in his head. In this paragraph, we're still watching Ryoma and listening in his head, but the nature of the words take on the personality of the person speaking to him; in this case Inui. It's a subtle trick to let us know who's around him and also to let us know he's aware of Inui's speaking habits, and it's brilliantly done
( ... )
thank you so much! ahaha i didn't really notice what i did with the viewpoint, but i was so afraid i would lose it if i stopped so i just wrote on and on until i finished, which kept me up late and i am so glad it worked and that you like it. :D
I loved your structure. I'm not sure, but some of your sentences felt like they were run-ons. It might have been your particularly style, though.
The fic's amusing, especially in the beginning. The use of Campbell's Soup is different. Campbell’s has expanded its market. Ryoma’s mother has expanded her shelves. The parallel structure works very well. It sets up the nonchalent mood which never fades from your story.
This actually makes Ryoma miss Inui’s menus. <3333
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Very nice.
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without the soup there would be no letters, then the fic would have absolutely nothing to do with the challenge. XP
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Practice was harder than usual - statistics showed that global warming was increasing temperatures around the world, climates were changing slowly but surely, and Ryoma was as short as ever - this meant (according to Inui, anyway) that the Regulars had to train harder if they wanted to maintain or surpass their current achievements. The changing climates also meant more varieties of Inui juice, which kept Inui occupied, and kept Fuji entertained.Up to this point, we've got a camera view of Ryoma and we're listening in his head. In this paragraph, we're still watching Ryoma and listening in his head, but the nature of the words take on the personality of the person speaking to him; in this case Inui. It's a subtle trick to let us know who's around him and also to let us know he's aware of Inui's speaking habits, and it's brilliantly done ( ... )
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thank you! *sends love*
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The fic's amusing, especially in the beginning. The use of Campbell's Soup is different. Campbell’s has expanded its market. Ryoma’s mother has expanded her shelves. The parallel structure works very well. It sets up the nonchalent mood which never fades from your story.
This actually makes Ryoma miss Inui’s menus. <3333
The entire fic was well done. x3 Lovely.
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thank you for the review!
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