This time it's Shakespeare's turn...
KING WINCHESTER
By William Shakespeare.
Act 1, Scene 1.
John: Tell me, my children,
Which of you shall we say doth love us most?
That we our largest bounty may extend
Where nature doth with merit challenge.
Dean, our eldest-born, speak first.
Dean: Sir, I do love you more than word can wield the matter,
Dearer than Skynrd, Styx, or AC/DC,
A love that makes faith blind and reason falter,
No less than all I’ve ever had I give you.
John: Of this Impala, even of its keys,
With ruby tail-lights and of paintwork black,
We make thee master- but see it rusteth not.
And further, from thy loyal neck be hung
This amulet, in arcane mystery steep’d-
And take this extra cookie. But now our joy,
Although our last and least, what can you say to draw
Approval greater than your brother? Speak.
Sam: I wanna go to Stanford.
John: Stanford?
Sam: Stanford.
John: No one is going to Stanford. Speak again.
Sam: Academic as I am, I would not be
A hunter all my life. Here father, look
Upon this paper-see my chronicl’d my grades-
John: So young, and so untender?
Sam: So young, my lord, and smart.
John: Let it be so. Thy brains then be thy dower.
For by the sacred duty of the hunt,
The memory of thy mother and our quest,
Here I disclaim all my paternal care.
Propinquity and property of blood
And as a stranger to my heart and me
Hold thee from this for ever.
Dean: Good my liege-
John: Peace, Dean!
Come not between the dragon and his wrath.
I lov’d him most-
Dean: Dad… I am right here.
John: Oh. Yeah.
[To Sam] Hence! And avoid my sight! Ungrateful wretch!
Dean: For God’s sake, let us sit upon the couch,
And talk about this in a reasonable way.
Sam: Dean, as thou lov’st me, do not take his part!
Dean: …But I’m not…
John: Nay Dean, upon thy loyalty,
Speak not for him, he hath betray’d us both!
Sam: O, insupportable!
Dean: Dude, calm thyself.
Sam: I will not calm myself, I am bound to speak.
Thou hoary foe of learning, freedom, youth,
I hate thee, for thou art always so unfair!
John: Yonder lies the door. Away! Begone!
Sam: Fine!
John: Fine!
Sam: Then farewell to you both! What, should Sam endure,
And like a sottish bondsman, meekly bend
Beneath the yoke of tyranny, or crave
Meritless pardon from th’oppressor’s hand?
Never! My soul is of a firmer mettle cast.
Thus I turn my back. There is a world elsewhere.
Exit Sam.
Dean: Lo how he storms away. How like to thunder
The door within its quaking frame resounds!
Is’t possible? Is Sam departed so?
To roam unfriended ‘neath the heavens’ blasts?
O dreadful night, O discord terrible!
How shall Sammy fare, outside our lines of salt
And from the cover of my Glock remov’d?
John: Speak not of him! Strange, unnatural villain!
Pelican child! Yet have I left a son.
Dean picks up Sam’s acceptance letter from Stanford.
Dean: [Reading]
“Fairest Sammy, that art most rich, being poor,
Most choice forsaken and most lov’d, despis’d,
Thee and thy SATs we seize upon.
Thou exil’d student, thrown to Stanford’s aid,
Shalt here be shelter’d, all thy charges paid.”
John: I did him wrong.
Dean: There, there Dad, it’s okay.
John: O, my follies, poor Sammy was abus’d.
Kind God, forgive me that and prosper him!
Dean: Say you so? Why then, shall we not call him back?
John: What? Never! Let hell be lock’d in icy bonds
Ere we shall once unbend, or that cell of his
E’er chime forth at our call! Deserter! Miscreant!
Dean: ...Nnnngh.
John: Wherefore knock’st thou thy head against the wall?