The Fire of the Sun -- Chapter Four
Title: The Fire of the Sun
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: T
Characters: Full cast (Jacob/Bella, Sam/Emily)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Wolfpack!Humor
Warnings: Language, violence, and references to adult behavior. See here for more details.
banner courtesy of untilwebleedoz
Summary:
Sequel to The Movement of the Earth. Bella finds the cost of joining the supernatural world may be higher than she can pay. ( Click here to start from the beginning.)
Chapter Four:
the curtains flew and then he appeared / saying don't be afraid / and she had no fear
Alana Davis, "The Reaper"
4. Girls' Night
The next morning, I came to a clear and inescapable conclusion: I needed a break. I desperately, desperately needed a break.
"Hey, Dad?"
Charlie looked up from his paper and seven-grain bagel with non-fat veggie cream cheese. I was still winning the heart-healthy food battle. "Yeah?"
"Can I invite Angela and Jessica to sleep over tonight?"
I had figured my father would have one of three potential reactions to my request: suspicion that I was trying to pull one over on him, elation that I was exhibiting interest in human interaction, or terror that his home was about to be invaded by teenage girls.
It was the last one. "Uh... sure, Bells." Charlie scratched the back of his neck, his expression nervous. "Like... with... tents and stuff?"
"No, we'd just hang out in the living room, I guess," I said vaguely. To be honest, I was pretty nervous too. I had never actually had a sleepover before, not even when I was little. But it was what girls did when they were stressed, right? They invited their friends over to eat junk food and paint nails and giggle and...
...that was so not me. But it sounded completely different from anything else I'd been doing recently, and I needed different. Just for one night. I could pretend to be leading a normal life just for one night.
"Would I... uh... have to do anything?"
"No, just... um, when you do grocery shopping today, could you pick up some chocolate? Some of the good kind?"
Charlie looked petrified.
***
Okay. I could do this.
I sat down at my desk, grabbed a handful of Hershey's Kisses out of the top drawer -- the only unhealthy food I'd kept hidden in the house -- and flipped open my cell phone.
I could do this, really.
Contact: Weber, Angela.
I ate a Kiss for extra chocolate-enhanced girl-strength, then pressed Send.
One ring. Two.
Oh well, guess she's not--
"Hello?"
I swallowed. Here goes nothing. "Hi, Angela, it's Bella."
"Oh, hey, Bella! What's going on?"
"Not much. So... um..." I nervously sorted the Kisses by color, straightening each little white tag. "I was wondering..."
"Yeah?"
"Would you and Jessica like to come over for a girls' night?" The words came tumbling out of my mouth and I thought I might collapse under the force of my own blush. It was like asking someone out on a date -- which I'd never done.
"Oh." Angela sounded surprised. "Like, a sleepover?"
"Uh, yeah. We could... um, watch movies, and talk, and... raid the refrigerator..." My voice had become tiny. What were we, ten? What had I been thinking?
Angela started to laugh. I almost burst into tears, but then she said, "Sounds great. I haven't had a sleepover like that in years. What time were you thinking?"
I thought I would pass out in relief. "Seven, maybe?"
"Okay." She paused, and her voice was mild and understanding as she said, "Would you like me to save you some time and call Jessica?"
"Yes." One phone call was about all I could handle.
"Okay. I know she's free. She and Mike are 'off-again' again. We should really talk to her about that, this is getting ridiculous."
"Yes," I said eagerly. "We definitely should." I couldn't even begin to describe how much I was looking forward to discussing someone else's relationship problems.
Speaking of which...
I pulled a piece of paper out of the second drawer as Angela continued talking. "Do you want me to bring anything?"
"Um... I don't know." I grabbed a pen awkwardly with my left hand. "Is there anything you'd want?"
"I think I'll make brownies. With chocolate chips. You can never have too much chocolate at a sleepover."
"That's what I thought." My handwriting was blocky and nearly illegible as I scrawled, Having A Sleepover. No Guys Allowed. Sorry.
"Okay. I'll see you tonight, then!"
"See you tonight," I echoed, then hung up, feeling pretty good overall. This was nice. This was nice and normal. A Girls' Night, with girlfriends who had stood up for me in estrogen solidarity even when I probably didn't deserve it. Angela and I would talk Jessica through her Mike issues, and we'd eat lots of chocolate, and I'd get to just... pretend. Things could be complicated tomorrow.
My body gave an annoying shiver of protest as I taped the paper to my window. I ignored it. I hated to send Jacob away... but I'd need to hike to a payphone if I wanted to call and tell him not to bother. And I wanted a boy-free night. Just this once. He'd understand.
All the same, I took the Hershey's Kisses and left them carefully lined up along the window ledge.
***
I spent all day getting ready.
I made two kinds of popcorn -- Movie Butter and Low-Sodium.
I got twelve extra throw pillows out of the attic.
I vacuumed the living room. Twice.
I cursed myself for not having a copy of Bridget Jones's Diary.
It wasn't as though I'd never had a girls' night before. In Arizona I'd had friends; not many, but a few. I'd attended birthday parties as a kid and eaten pizza with study groups once I was older. And I'd already been out with Jessica and Angela a few times... but those times hadn't gone well. Edward had been so first and foremost on my mind then that I hadn't been able to enjoy myself. Plus, I'd almost always been invited to things; I'd never invited people over to my house. I'd never been hostess.
I wanted to get this right.
Charlie got home minutes before I expected Angela and Jessica to arrive, the point at which I was pacing anxiously and hoping I wouldn't look like I'd been pacing anxiously. "What took so long?" I burst out immediately.
He winced at my tone. "Sorry, Bells. Took a little longer than I thought."
I looked down at the bags in his hands. Several of them were gold with fancy rope handles. "Dad... did you go to Godiva?"
"Um, yeah. Isn't that the good kind?" he said helplessly.
"Yes." I took the gold bags and looked inside, trying to be careful and not let the ropes dig too deeply into my palm through the glove. There had to be a hundred dollars worth of chocolate. "Yes, it's the really good kind. Where did you get this?"
"Well... I asked in town, and the cranky waitress at the diner said there was one in Port Angeles, so..."
I blinked. "You went all the way to Port Angeles for this?"
Charlie shrugged.
I didn't even know what to say. "I... thanks, Dad."
He set down the rest of the groceries awkwardly. "Um... you're welcome. Do you mind if I head out while your friends are here?"
"Sure." That seemed like a really good idea; it would minimize potential embarrassment for both of us. There was only one problem. "You know they're going to be here all night, right?"
"That's okay, I'll stay at Bill--" Charlie broke off and frowned, then corrected himself. "The diner's open twenty-four hours."
Wow. "If that's what you want, but... you don't have to, you know, I don't want to chase you off--"
"No, no, that's okay. I'll grab paper and a couple of crosswords. I'll be fine." Charlie looked genuinely relieved to be escaping, so I decided not to argue any further.
"All right. But eat something more than just cheeseburgers. Have a salad or a wrap or something."
Charlie scowled. "We'll see, Bella."
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped in surprise. "I'll just... get that," I said uncomfortably.
Both Angela and Jessica stood on the front steps; only Jessica's car was out front, so it looked like they'd shared a ride. They both blinked as Charlie mumbled something along the lines of "Hello, goodbye" before jogging to the cruiser. His tires squealed as he pulled out of the driveway at what had to be an illegal speed.
Jessica blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "So... no parental figures for the evening?"
"Guess not."
"Fabulous." She handed her bag to Angela. "I'll get the drinks out of the trunk!"
***
"It's definitely over this time." Jessica was sprawled out on the living room rug, carefully painting her nails an unsettling shade of red -- Black Cherry Widow, according to the bottle. "I am so through with Mike Newton and his stupid boy issues. I think I'm gonna switch teams and find some chick from Seattle with a nose ring or something. That'll show him."
"That seems a bit drastic," Angela said as she slowly braided her hair into an elaborate design. "And I thought you said nose rings were gross."
"They are, but that's not the point. Someone give me a hazelnut square." Jessica raised her wet nails.
"We're out." I shuffled through the Godiva wrappers covering the carpet; we'd already eaten enough to bring on diabetic comas. "How about raspberry?"
"Excellent." I snapped off a square of dark chocolate and put it on Jessica's proffered tongue. "I can't believe your Dad got all this stuff," she said appreciatively, her tongue smacking against the roof of her mouth. "He's awesome. And he has a great butt."
I almost knocked over my drink in shock. I'd succumbed to peer pressure -- from Angela as well as Jessica, to my surprise -- and had been slowly nursing a bottle of something that tasted like a green Jolly Rancher. It was causing a pleasant little buzz near the base of my skull. "Holy crap, don't say things like that."
"It's true." Angela raised her eyebrows at me. "Academically speaking, of course."
"He's only, what, forty?" Jessica whistled. "And the mustache is hot. Does he date younger women? I bet he'd make a great sugar-daddy."
This conversation was not happening. "Oh my God, stop. How would you like it if I talked about your father like that?"
Angela shot me a significant look as Jessica glanced down at her nails and grumbled, "What father?"
Oh. Oops.
"My dad's a minister," Angela said lightly, breaking the awkward silence. She tied her braid at the base with a rubber band. "He's got about twenty hairs on his head and he has to drive to Seattle to find pants that fit. So if you're talking about him like that then we really need to get your priorities in order, Bella."
My eyes widened at the mental image, and before I knew it I was snorting Jolly Rancher beer out of my nose. Jessica and Angela howled with laughter and I started to giggle in between sneezes.
Somewhere between the chocolate high and the tiny bit of alcohol I'd started having tons of fun.
"Anyway, this is, like, a major emergency," Jessica said once we'd calmed down. "Mike is a toad and now I don't have a date for prom and it's only a week away. What am I going to do?"
"You could always go stag." Angela grabbed a handful of popcorn. "It's the twenty-first century. You don't have to have a date."
"It's prom, Ang, and it'll never be the twenty-first century at prom." Jessica eyed me speculatively. "Bella, you be my date."
I almost choked on my drink again. "What?" I sputtered.
"C'mon, it'll be fun. Think of how much Mike and Edward will hate it. I won't make you wear a nose ring, just, like, grab my butt a couple times or something. It'll be perfect." Jessica appeared to be speaking in all seriousness. She waggled a scarlet fingernail at me. "I'll even buy you dinner. But no limo, I'm low on cash."
"No!" I was not going to grab Jessica's butt in public, no matter how much revenge would be involved. "Besides, I already have a date."
Angela looked at me with surprise. "I'm a member of the prom committee and you haven't bought any tickets. I didn't think you were going."
"Well, I'm... um... not." If my face hadn't already been red my blush would've been horrendous. "But I've got a date anyway, so... yeah. Sorry, Jess."
Both girls stopped what they were doing. "All right," Jessica said, sitting up and crossing her legs, looking eager. "Spill."
I shrank back. "There's nothing to spill."
"Yeah, right. There's totally a story here."
"Now, Jess, it's really none of our business." Angela smiled at me encouragingly. "Of course... if you did want to talk about it... you know we'd be here for you, right?"
That was downright manipulative. "Well... I..."
"Open another bottle for her," Jessica told Angela. "Strawberry this time."
"Okay, I'll talk, I'll talk." Apparently there were disadvantages to girls' nights. I swallowed the dregs of my drink and flopped face first into a throw pillow. "I'm going over to Jacob's," I said, hoping my voice would be too muffled for them to make out my words.
"Ah-ha!" Jessica crowed. "I knew he was your vampire!"
My whole body went cold; I jerked upright in alarm. "What?"
"Uh, somebody left that giant hickey. I mean, it's not like you can contort and do it to yourself, am I right?"
My hand flew to my neck. "Oh. Right." I forced myself to take a deep breath as my heart rate slowed back to a healthier speed. "Yeah, um... yeah. That was Jake."
Angela's expression remained impassive, but her eyes lit up. "I thought things were 'complicated' between the two of you?"
"They are." Somehow my face found its way back into the pillow. "We're just going to watch movies and stuff. It's no big deal."
My complete inability to lie cursed me again. "Right," Jessica said sarcastically.
"Make sure you're careful," Angela warned. "Last year I was on the Teen Health Panel and the rates for high school pregnancy are skyrocketing in the Pacific Northwest. I can drive you to the drugstore if you need. I like spermicide, personally."
I heard Jessica squeal. "Oh. My. God. You and Ben are not having sex."
"We've been together for awhile now, Jess."
"How did I not know about this?"
"Because we haven't had a girls' night in a long time! Was I supposed to just bring it up at the cafeteria table?"
"There are these things called phones, Angela! I can't believe you didn't tell me! Even Bella's telling me!"
I screamed into the pillow. "I'm not telling you anything! We're just watching movies!"
"Oh, Bella," Jessica said in the tones of someone much wiser, "no one just watches movies. Even you can't believe that, right? I mean, watching movies is officially the lamest line in the book."
The flicker of fire lit in my chest, and I threw my pillow aside angrily. "What are you saying?" I snapped, glaring at Jessica. "That Jake's feeding me a line?"
She snorted and inspected her nails. "All I know is, when Mike said--"
"Well, Jake's not Mike! You don't even know him. Don't you dare say stuff like that about him."
"All right, all right! No need to bite my head off!" Jessica narrowed her eyes at me. "Overreact much?"
"Whatever." I looked away, blowing out a breath. She had no right to insinuate things about Jacob, no right at all--
--and that was the imprint talking, I realized. I was overreacting. "Sorry," I mumbled, looking down. "I... uh..." I searched for a good excuse. "I've got PMS."
"Oh." Angela and Jessica both groaned in sympathy, everything forgiven. Angela tossed me another chocolate bar. "Quick, eat."
I tore open the wrapper and bit off a huge hunk of dark mint. "And... I guess..." The little pleasant buzz in my brain was increasing. "Maybe... I'm thinking about a little more than watching movies." I focused very intently on a tiny piece of lint stuck to the carpet.
"Well, obviously," Jessica said.
"I'll take you to the drug store this week," Angela promised.
I hid my face again and tried not to die.
***
If this was a hangover, it wasn't so bad. I felt a little bleary, but that could easily be attributed to not falling asleep until three AM. I had a slight headache too, but I'd also spent the night on the floor.
Of course, I'd only had one drink. Angela had had two and Jessica'd had three, so neither of them were looking particularly cheerful as we loaded the empty bottles back into Jessica's car when the sun rose the next morning.
"This was fun," Angela said as Jessica slammed the trunk shut, making them both wince. "We should do it again."
"Totally." Jessica rubbed her eyes. "We can use my house next time. Mom's always passed out by eight, so we can, you know, do whatever the hell we want." She grinned. "We'll invite Jacob over to watch movies--"
I covered my face with my hands, blushing furiously. "Shut up."
"Just make sure your dad drops you off and that he bends over to get your bags out of the car--"
"Shut up!"
Angela shook her head. "Jess, you're acting like you're in middle school."
"So what? Soon we'll be in college and have to act like adults all the time. So why not be middle schoolers for a few minutes before we can't anymore?"
It was hard to argue with that.
"Anyway, thanks for coming over." I handed over the end of the chocolate. We hadn't quite been able to eat it all, though we'd tried. "Here, I think I'll be sick if I ever see another truffle."
"Thanks." Jessica grinned as she and Angela got into the car. "This was pretty cool, Bella. See you Monday!"
I waved with my gloved hand while they drove down the street, feeling remarkably pleased with myself even as a cool breeze made me shiver in my knee-length nightshirt. They'd had fun. I'd had fun. Nothing special, just... regular, normal fun.
It was a huge change.
Still smiling, I grabbed yesterday's mail out of the box as I walked back into the house... and blinked in surprise. A large, thick white folder was wedged in between the electric bill and advertisements for discount oil changes.
A large, thick white folder addressed to me.
A large, thick white folder with the seal of Dartmouth College on the back.
Plodding into the kitchen, I dropped the other letters in disbelief and sank down at the table. I knew before I opened the envelope what it would say; I could tell by the thickness. But I hadn't even applied, how could I possibly have--
Dear Miss Swan: We are pleased to inform you...
"I was wondering when that would arrive."
I gasped and looked up in shock.
Edward stood in the kitchen doorway, his flawless face inscrutable, his light butterscotch eyes -- indicating a recent hunt -- glancing at my acceptance letter. As always, the sight of him threatened to steal my breath away; his peerless beauty dazzled every one of my senses. A young god, standing in my kitchen, speaking to me with a dulcet, musical voice.
A young god who was hurting Jacob.
The fire lit again.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded. "I didn't hear you knock."
"Alice said you wished to speak to me; I thought it would be best if I waited until your guests departed."
His thoughtfulness didn't move me. I pointed at the acceptance letter. "Did you do this?"
"Yes." Edward looked totally unrepentant. "My family has connections with that school and several others. You'd spoken of Dartmouth, and I thought the programs and atmosphere would suit you best..." He frowned slightly. "But I can make arrangements with Harvard if you would prefer, or--"
"I don't want you to make arrangements with anyone!" I cried, standing up. "If I couldn't get into those colleges on my own--"
"You could have if your academic record hadn't been so damaged." Pale, early morning light made its way through the window curtains, casting a gentle glow on Edward's stone skin. But it was a customarily gray morning, the sunbeams filtered by clouds and haze; the diamond sparkle that gave away his true nature wasn't in evidence. "And I'm to blame for that, Bella. Believe me, I had no idea what harm my absence would cause."
"You had no idea?" The absurdity of his statement made my head reel. "How can you... you left me! Did you expect me to dance a jig and whistle a happy tune?"
"No. I expected you to forget." His tone was chagrined. "Maybe not immediately, but within a few weeks, perhaps a month. Human minds are capable of moving on in a way that ours are not. I didn't realize the damage that would result; a college admission is only the barest of reparations I can offer."
When he spoke, that sweet, seductive scent filled the room. My anger started to ebb; I tried to hang onto it, but it began to slip through my fingers like sand. "I'm not going to Dartmouth, Edward." My voice sounded weaker than it had a moment earlier. "I'm going to Peninsula."
"If you're concerned about cost, there's no need. Every cent will be paid."
I thought of the worry I'd felt over the community college tuition, the unimpressive figures Charlie had written down for 'household income'; the implication of Edward's words felt like a slap. "I don't want your money," I said sharply. "And you only want me to go to Dartmouth because it's on the other side of the country."
"I want you to go to Dartmouth because that's where you deserve to go," Edward corrected. He stepped out of the doorway and stroked a single long finger against the back of the chair I'd been sitting in, glancing down at it wistfully. Maybe it was still warm. "But in the interest of honesty, having you on the other side of the country is an additional bonus."
Which brought us to why I'd wanted to talk to him in the first place. "I'm not leaving, Edward," I said. I tried to ignore how good it felt to speak his name, the way my lips formed around the syllables. "And that letter from Carlisle... it doesn't make any difference."
"So the reply said." He quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "It was very... pointed."
"Then you understand that it's not going to happen."
"I understand that the dogs don't want it to happen. Unsurprising."
My anger surged momentarily. "Don't call them that," I snapped.
Edward's smile shone even though it was a cynical version of its more genuine one. "I believe they refer to us as 'bloodsuckers'. Why not return the favor?"
"Because they're wolves, not dogs," I retorted, heat in my veins. "And you do suck blood."
He flinched at my harsh words, and stinging regret made me drop my eyes to the floor. I'd hurt him, I didn't want to hurt him... "So you hate me now," he said, his golden voice sorrowful.
I shook my head. It was impossible to hate Edward; it went against everything in my body and soul. "Of course I don't hate you--"
"It's all right, Bella." His tone was resigned. "You should. And I hate myself far more than you ever could. You're not even capable of the kind of loathing I feel towards my own actions. But I'd rather have you protected and hating me than imperiled and loving me."
"I..." I shook my head again, trying to clear my mind. His words felt like they made sense, but... I forced myself to back away, to give myself more space from the voice, the face, the scent. My lower back thudded painfully against the tile counter. "I'm serious, Edward," I managed to say. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in Forks."
"Then," he said calmly, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, "so am I."
Sheer helplessness brought tears to my eyes. "No, you can't," I said desperately. "The Pack-- look, there's other kids, they'll turn into wolves too and they shouldn't have to, it's not a good life--"
"I am sorry for that." His perfect melodic voice was filled with nothing but genuine remorse. "But it can't be helped, Bella. I won't leave you defenseless. Not again." His amber gaze fixed on my left hand, still guarded by my glove. "Not ever again."
"I'm not defenseless," I argued. "I have Charlie."
Once again, Edward's smile was only a cynical shadow of its former self. "Don't be foolish, Bella. I have nothing but the utmost respect for Chief Swan, but you and I both know that his shotgun will be useless if Jacob Black transforms in your bedroom."
His words hit me like the lash of a whip.
In your bedroom.
He knew Jacob had been in my bedroom.
"You've been watching me," I said mechanically, barely able to comprehend what this meant. "You've been watching us."
All the things Jacob and I had said to each other... the things we'd done...
"Only from a distance." Edward's hand tightened against the back of the chair. I heard the tiniest crack of snapping splinters. "Nothing inappropriate, I assure you. Besides, if the dog had been able to smell me I imagine the situation would have gotten out of hand very quickly."
"Nothing inappropriate?" My voice rose, high and shrill. The rage fought to resurface, but my lulled senses kept it in check; my fury beat feebly beneath my skin. "You've been spying on me--"
"Not spying," he corrected again. "Guarding. I swear to you, Bella, I was never near enough to see or hear anything... private." His marble lips twisted a bit on the last word. "But I was within earshot if you had screamed in pain. Twice I had to come closer before I realized you were having a nightmare, but those were the only times. I didn't wish to behave invasively." He glanced at my throat. "Though had I known how close you were allowing him..."
My thoughts were becoming confused and foggy. It was wrong, but... he only meant to protect me...
Edward still thought I was worth protecting...
"Bella, this has only been for your safety, I give you my word. Alice can't see the werewolves, and she can't see anyone around them. There's no possible way to predict if or when you could be attacked. Keeping vigil is the only way we can know you're unharmed."
I couldn't help but feel amazed by that. Edward, Edward thought I was worth all this.
Except he didn't get it. "Jacob would never hurt me. He..." I took a deep breath to steady myself... and my senses grew even duller. "Jacob loves me, Edward."
Edward's angelic face grew wistful. "Of course he does," he whispered sadly. "How could he not?"
"Then you see, he's not going to--"
"Bella." Edward stepped closer to me; the counter dug further into my back, but I had nowhere left to retreat. "Bella, you must try to understand. Jacob Black..." His eyes narrowed slightly, but he continued, "I've seen Jacob Black's mind. It's confused, disorganized. He lacks true understanding of the immense power he wields." Edward's velvet voice filled with worry. "I know about the Alpha's fiancee, Bella. Surely that must show you the truth: love won't stop a werewolf from killing you if he loses control for a split second."
"Like you?" I tried to shout the words back, but they only came out in a whisper.
"Yes. Like me. Except I've had ninety years to learn discipline and Jacob has had two months." Edward sighed, closing his eyes for the briefest moment. "And believe me, ninety years is only barely enough."
Edward looked so sad, so lost, that I couldn't stop myself from touching his hand with my free fingers. The feel of his smooth, hard skin sent electric shocks up my arm. "Is this really about my protection?" I whispered. My heart thudded against my ribs as I asked the most important question, the one I could hardly believe I was in a position to ask. "Or... are you jealous?"
He hesitated, then reached for my face. His fingertips traced the barest of lines across my cheekbone as my eyes fluttered shut. "Of course I'm jealous," he said quietly. His sweet scent filled the air between us, and I inhaled greedily. "I'd give anything to still be the one coming to your window every night, to be the one to hold you in my arms. I remember every single second of those precious moments. You sleep curled on your left side and you speak aloud during your dreams and you wake with tangled hair and yes, I am insanely jealous that now Jacob Black knows those things too. But, Bella, believe me when I tell you that what matters to me more than anything, more than my own envious wishes, is your safety. I could never live in a world where you didn't exist."
My blood turned to ice as I realized what he meant. "Don't," I begged. "Don't ever say that, don't put that on me--"
"I told you once that I would go to the Volturi," Edward continued, his fingertips still stroking. "That I would beg them to end my sorry existence. It's still true. Do you see now, Bella? Your life is everything. It was to protect you that I left. It's to protect you that I stay now."
The tears spilled from my eyes and ran down my cheeks, wetting the tips of his fingers.
"Go to New Hampshire," he murmured. "Please. Go to Dartmouth. Meet a kind lawyer or doctor who will give you all the things I cannot. My heart will shatter when you do, but I'll still be happy knowing you've made the right decision. Have children. Grow old. Be safe. I want you to live your life... but it can't be with Jacob Black. Anyone else in the world, but not Jacob Black."
Jacob. A thrumming, caged, furious part of my mind began to call out desperately. Jacob.
I felt dizzy. Edward was standing close now, so close, his perfect face only inches from mine. His golden eyes shone down on me with protectiveness and... devotion. "You really do love me," I said in wonder.
How could someone like this desire someone as meaningless as me? It didn't make any sense at all...
Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.
Edward cupped my face gently between his marble palms. My body shivered in response. "Bella, believe me, there will never come a time when I won't love you. I will love you past your final breath until the day I crumble into dust, and if there is anything left of my being it will spend eternity hunting for whatever is left of yours."
My heart beat a wild, staccato rhythm in my chest.
Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.
Without even realizing what I was doing, I raised the fingers of my gloved hand to trace the edge of Edward's jaw. His eyes closed before he lamented in that glorious, seraphic voice, "I am so selfish."
Then he lowered his lips to mine.
It was as though no time had passed at all, none. It could easily have been a year ago, the happiest moment I'd ever had. The moment when an angel told me I was his whole life. We'd only shared a few dozen kisses in our six months together, but the feeling of his cold mouth moving against me was simultaneously familiar and shocking; every nerve ending in my body sang at the delicious sensation. I pushed myself closer, responding enthusiastically, my flesh giving against the sculpted statue of his body.
My breath stopped entirely.
Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
Edward's arms encircled my waist, holding me carefully, so much more carefully than I wanted. My lips parted, seeking more--
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
I staggered and nearly lost my balance as Edward released me and stepped away.
Charlie stood in the doorway. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to indicate exhaustion from his night out, but the glaring rage radiating from his frame belied that. His hands shook. "Get out," he spat, his eyes fixed on Edward. "You are not welcome in my home."
Shame and regret showed all over Edward's face. "Chief Swan, let me apologize--"
"Get. Out. Now." Charlie took a menacing step forward and pointed toward the hallway. "And don't you ever lay a hand on my child again."
"Sir, I--"
"GET OUT!"
Edward nodded, took one more mournfully golden glance in my direction, and walked from the kitchen. A moment later I heard the door close in the entryway.
Charlie wheeled on me, no less furious than he'd been a moment before. "A girls' night, huh? I trusted you, Isabella Marie Swan!"
He'd trusted me.
I remained on my feet, but everything began to grow dark.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie's voice, turning from furious to frantic. "Bells, can you hear me?"
What had I done?
"Bells, kiddo, calm down, listen to me, breathe--"
I tried to force a lungful of clear, clean air into my body, but I couldn't do it. My breath stayed shallow.
Through the spots dancing in front of my vision I saw Charlie looking into my eyes. His warm hand touched my forehead. "Bella, have you been drinking?"
I nodded slightly. I wanted to form the words Just one, but they stuck in my throat. That wasn't it. Charlie had never seen me after one of Edward's kisses. He didn't know how normal this was. He didn't know that I almost always grew light-headed, how I was too pathetic to respond rationally when those cold lips met mine...
"Did he bring it? Did he give you something?"
I was going to faint.
"Bella, I need you to sit down, I'm going to get an ambulance--"
An ambulance wasn't what I wanted. I finally gasped half a true breath into my lungs, and the caged voice broke free. "Jacob!"
Charlie froze, phone already in hand. "What?"
I burst into tears and threw myself into my father's arms. "I want Jacob, Dad, I want Jacob, please, I want Jacob, let me call Jacob--"
"Bella--"
My sobbing took over and choked my words. I still couldn't inhale properly. "Jacob," I forced out. "Jacob--"
Charlie hesitated, then ran a comforting hand over my head, stroking my hair. "All right," he said. "All right, kiddo, I'll call Jacob, but you have to sit, do you hear me?" I let him steer me into a chair and gently push my head between my knees, but I didn't let go; I kept hyperventilating as I clung to his waist like a little kid. I could feel the skin splitting inside my glove as I fisted my hand too tightly into his shirt.
The numbers rang musically as Charlie dialed. I heard the sound of ringing once, twice, three times before he said gruffly, "Hey, Billy. It's Charlie."
A long pause.
"Yes, Charlie Swan, you cantankerous son of a bitch. I need to talk to your boy, Bella's in a--"
Another pause, shorter this time. Then Charlie erupted, "What the hell do you mean, 'he already left'?"
Jacob was coming.
Jacob would hate me for what I'd done.
Charlie slammed the receiver down without another word. "Bella, why in God's name is Jacob Black already on his way here?"
"I..." I gasped for breath. He would hate me, he would never look at me again. "I can't tell you..."
"Isabella, you better damn well--"
His sentence was interrupted by the sound of the front door being knocked off its hinges.
In the blink of an eye the back of my head hit the wood of the kitchen cabinets; I found myself on the counter, crushed in a rough, blazing embrace. My legs parted instinctively to bring him closer until every inch of me was in contact with the heat I craved. "I'm sorry," I sobbed into Jacob's bare chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Sweat dripped off Jacob's body; his sides heaved with exertion. I couldn't even imagine how fast he'd run. "Bella," he gasped hoarsely, hot hands diving under my nightshirt to clutch at my back. "Bells, what happened, I felt you but I don't--"
"I kissed Edward."
I felt Jake stiffen. "What?"
"I kissed Edward." The tears flowed even harder. "He was here and I kissed him. Jake, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry--"
Jacob stayed frozen for a long moment. Then a tremble ran through his body before he whispered, "Shh, it's fine." His hands started to move again, his thumbs rubbing circles into my skin. "It's fine, Bells, it's okay. Breathe. You've gotta breathe."
I tried to inhale, and this time it worked. My lungs filled with air.
One breath, in and out.
Two.
Three.
But I could only use the breaths to cry. My weeping turned silent, but it didn't stop. It couldn't stop. I'd been weak and pathetic and terrible and I was so embarrassed--
"Someone had better tell me what's going on here." Charlie's voice was low and dangerous. "Now."
I couldn't say a word. After a short moment, Jacob spoke in a surprisingly level tone. "Edward Cullen's been messing with her head at school. Trying to weasel his way back in. I talk her through it when she's having trouble."
"What? When?"
"She calls me from the school payphone," he lied smoothly, his hands still rubbing my back. "She calms down after awhile and remembers that he's a total douchebag. I know you don't want me around--"
"I don't want any of you around."
"--but Bella's my best friend and I had to help."
"Uh-huh. Well, she didn't call you right now, so how did you know there was something wrong?"
Jacob paused, then answered, "Just a hunch."
I kept shivering.
"Right." I heard Charlie make an annoyed noise, one that clearly said he didn't believe a word of any of this. But apparently he didn't think that Jacob's fishy story was his top priority at the moment. "Let go of her. I'm taking her to the hospital and then I'm going to arrest his ass. He gave her something."
Jacob's embrace tightened; I heard a low growl in his throat. He wasn't going to let anyone take me out of his arms.
"I don't want to go to the hospital." I said, still hiding my face. "Nothing happened."
"Bella, I know what it looks like when--"
"Nothing happened," I repeated. "Edward didn't give me anything. I wanted him to kiss me. I kissed him back. It was my fault. It was all me."
I felt a shudder in Jacob's spine.
Charlie stormed out of the kitchen, his boots pounding against the floor. A moment later there was a crash from the direction of the living room.
The moment my father was out of sight, Jacob began raining kisses all over my face. "Bella, honey, it's okay..."
"I'm sorry, Jake." I couldn't even look at him. "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I don't know what I was thinking--"
"I do. I've seen how that bloodsucker works on you."
"No, it wasn't like that, he didn't make me do anything, I started it, I did--"
Jacob pressed his lips against my cheek. "Don't do that, it's not--" Then without warning he broke off and jerked away with an instinctive movement. I stared wide-eyed as he backed up, his face wrinkled with disgust.
Oh. I smelled like vampire.
"I'll go take a shower," I said dully, sliding down off the counter.
His expression changed instantly from revolted to horrified. "No, wait, I'm sorry, it just caught me by surprise--"
"It's fine." I brushed past him toward the staircase, dodging as he reached for me. I kind of wanted to scrub myself clean anyway. Or as clean as I could get.
"Bells, really--"
"I'll just be a few minutes."
I trudged up to my room and closed the door quietly before stripping out of my nightshirt. My eyes went to the window; the line of Hershey's Kisses was gone. Jacob had come by last night, seen my note, and left again.
I pulled a towel out of the basket and wrapped it around myself. It took another moment to pull the glove from my left hand. Pain shot through my fingers as the leather peeled away from the half-dozen tiny splits from where I'd gripped Charlie too tight; drops of blood welled up along each one.
I couldn't bring myself to glance in the mirror.
As I crossed the hallway to the bathroom, I heard my father's furious voice carrying up the stairs. "She's lying. I know she's lying. I'm going to kill that little bastard."
In complete contrast to my father's heated rage, Jacob's voice was cold as winter.
"Not if I kill him first."
***
Chapter Five: Vision
Sanity Update: This one was really tricky to write. I hope it worked. As a side note, the original novel is tickling at my brain, which may lead to hiatus. We'll have to see.
gypseian 's podfic of this chapter will be available here for listening and/or download.
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: T
Characters: Full cast (Jacob/Bella, Sam/Emily)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Wolfpack!Humor
Warnings: Language, violence, and references to adult behavior. See here for more details.
banner courtesy of untilwebleedoz
Summary:
Sequel to The Movement of the Earth. Bella finds the cost of joining the supernatural world may be higher than she can pay. ( Click here to start from the beginning.)
Chapter Four:
the curtains flew and then he appeared / saying don't be afraid / and she had no fear
Alana Davis, "The Reaper"
4. Girls' Night
The next morning, I came to a clear and inescapable conclusion: I needed a break. I desperately, desperately needed a break.
"Hey, Dad?"
Charlie looked up from his paper and seven-grain bagel with non-fat veggie cream cheese. I was still winning the heart-healthy food battle. "Yeah?"
"Can I invite Angela and Jessica to sleep over tonight?"
I had figured my father would have one of three potential reactions to my request: suspicion that I was trying to pull one over on him, elation that I was exhibiting interest in human interaction, or terror that his home was about to be invaded by teenage girls.
It was the last one. "Uh... sure, Bells." Charlie scratched the back of his neck, his expression nervous. "Like... with... tents and stuff?"
"No, we'd just hang out in the living room, I guess," I said vaguely. To be honest, I was pretty nervous too. I had never actually had a sleepover before, not even when I was little. But it was what girls did when they were stressed, right? They invited their friends over to eat junk food and paint nails and giggle and...
...that was so not me. But it sounded completely different from anything else I'd been doing recently, and I needed different. Just for one night. I could pretend to be leading a normal life just for one night.
"Would I... uh... have to do anything?"
"No, just... um, when you do grocery shopping today, could you pick up some chocolate? Some of the good kind?"
Charlie looked petrified.
***
Okay. I could do this.
I sat down at my desk, grabbed a handful of Hershey's Kisses out of the top drawer -- the only unhealthy food I'd kept hidden in the house -- and flipped open my cell phone.
I could do this, really.
Contact: Weber, Angela.
I ate a Kiss for extra chocolate-enhanced girl-strength, then pressed Send.
One ring. Two.
Oh well, guess she's not--
"Hello?"
I swallowed. Here goes nothing. "Hi, Angela, it's Bella."
"Oh, hey, Bella! What's going on?"
"Not much. So... um..." I nervously sorted the Kisses by color, straightening each little white tag. "I was wondering..."
"Yeah?"
"Would you and Jessica like to come over for a girls' night?" The words came tumbling out of my mouth and I thought I might collapse under the force of my own blush. It was like asking someone out on a date -- which I'd never done.
"Oh." Angela sounded surprised. "Like, a sleepover?"
"Uh, yeah. We could... um, watch movies, and talk, and... raid the refrigerator..." My voice had become tiny. What were we, ten? What had I been thinking?
Angela started to laugh. I almost burst into tears, but then she said, "Sounds great. I haven't had a sleepover like that in years. What time were you thinking?"
I thought I would pass out in relief. "Seven, maybe?"
"Okay." She paused, and her voice was mild and understanding as she said, "Would you like me to save you some time and call Jessica?"
"Yes." One phone call was about all I could handle.
"Okay. I know she's free. She and Mike are 'off-again' again. We should really talk to her about that, this is getting ridiculous."
"Yes," I said eagerly. "We definitely should." I couldn't even begin to describe how much I was looking forward to discussing someone else's relationship problems.
Speaking of which...
I pulled a piece of paper out of the second drawer as Angela continued talking. "Do you want me to bring anything?"
"Um... I don't know." I grabbed a pen awkwardly with my left hand. "Is there anything you'd want?"
"I think I'll make brownies. With chocolate chips. You can never have too much chocolate at a sleepover."
"That's what I thought." My handwriting was blocky and nearly illegible as I scrawled, Having A Sleepover. No Guys Allowed. Sorry.
"Okay. I'll see you tonight, then!"
"See you tonight," I echoed, then hung up, feeling pretty good overall. This was nice. This was nice and normal. A Girls' Night, with girlfriends who had stood up for me in estrogen solidarity even when I probably didn't deserve it. Angela and I would talk Jessica through her Mike issues, and we'd eat lots of chocolate, and I'd get to just... pretend. Things could be complicated tomorrow.
My body gave an annoying shiver of protest as I taped the paper to my window. I ignored it. I hated to send Jacob away... but I'd need to hike to a payphone if I wanted to call and tell him not to bother. And I wanted a boy-free night. Just this once. He'd understand.
All the same, I took the Hershey's Kisses and left them carefully lined up along the window ledge.
***
I spent all day getting ready.
I made two kinds of popcorn -- Movie Butter and Low-Sodium.
I got twelve extra throw pillows out of the attic.
I vacuumed the living room. Twice.
I cursed myself for not having a copy of Bridget Jones's Diary.
It wasn't as though I'd never had a girls' night before. In Arizona I'd had friends; not many, but a few. I'd attended birthday parties as a kid and eaten pizza with study groups once I was older. And I'd already been out with Jessica and Angela a few times... but those times hadn't gone well. Edward had been so first and foremost on my mind then that I hadn't been able to enjoy myself. Plus, I'd almost always been invited to things; I'd never invited people over to my house. I'd never been hostess.
I wanted to get this right.
Charlie got home minutes before I expected Angela and Jessica to arrive, the point at which I was pacing anxiously and hoping I wouldn't look like I'd been pacing anxiously. "What took so long?" I burst out immediately.
He winced at my tone. "Sorry, Bells. Took a little longer than I thought."
I looked down at the bags in his hands. Several of them were gold with fancy rope handles. "Dad... did you go to Godiva?"
"Um, yeah. Isn't that the good kind?" he said helplessly.
"Yes." I took the gold bags and looked inside, trying to be careful and not let the ropes dig too deeply into my palm through the glove. There had to be a hundred dollars worth of chocolate. "Yes, it's the really good kind. Where did you get this?"
"Well... I asked in town, and the cranky waitress at the diner said there was one in Port Angeles, so..."
I blinked. "You went all the way to Port Angeles for this?"
Charlie shrugged.
I didn't even know what to say. "I... thanks, Dad."
He set down the rest of the groceries awkwardly. "Um... you're welcome. Do you mind if I head out while your friends are here?"
"Sure." That seemed like a really good idea; it would minimize potential embarrassment for both of us. There was only one problem. "You know they're going to be here all night, right?"
"That's okay, I'll stay at Bill--" Charlie broke off and frowned, then corrected himself. "The diner's open twenty-four hours."
Wow. "If that's what you want, but... you don't have to, you know, I don't want to chase you off--"
"No, no, that's okay. I'll grab paper and a couple of crosswords. I'll be fine." Charlie looked genuinely relieved to be escaping, so I decided not to argue any further.
"All right. But eat something more than just cheeseburgers. Have a salad or a wrap or something."
Charlie scowled. "We'll see, Bella."
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped in surprise. "I'll just... get that," I said uncomfortably.
Both Angela and Jessica stood on the front steps; only Jessica's car was out front, so it looked like they'd shared a ride. They both blinked as Charlie mumbled something along the lines of "Hello, goodbye" before jogging to the cruiser. His tires squealed as he pulled out of the driveway at what had to be an illegal speed.
Jessica blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "So... no parental figures for the evening?"
"Guess not."
"Fabulous." She handed her bag to Angela. "I'll get the drinks out of the trunk!"
***
"It's definitely over this time." Jessica was sprawled out on the living room rug, carefully painting her nails an unsettling shade of red -- Black Cherry Widow, according to the bottle. "I am so through with Mike Newton and his stupid boy issues. I think I'm gonna switch teams and find some chick from Seattle with a nose ring or something. That'll show him."
"That seems a bit drastic," Angela said as she slowly braided her hair into an elaborate design. "And I thought you said nose rings were gross."
"They are, but that's not the point. Someone give me a hazelnut square." Jessica raised her wet nails.
"We're out." I shuffled through the Godiva wrappers covering the carpet; we'd already eaten enough to bring on diabetic comas. "How about raspberry?"
"Excellent." I snapped off a square of dark chocolate and put it on Jessica's proffered tongue. "I can't believe your Dad got all this stuff," she said appreciatively, her tongue smacking against the roof of her mouth. "He's awesome. And he has a great butt."
I almost knocked over my drink in shock. I'd succumbed to peer pressure -- from Angela as well as Jessica, to my surprise -- and had been slowly nursing a bottle of something that tasted like a green Jolly Rancher. It was causing a pleasant little buzz near the base of my skull. "Holy crap, don't say things like that."
"It's true." Angela raised her eyebrows at me. "Academically speaking, of course."
"He's only, what, forty?" Jessica whistled. "And the mustache is hot. Does he date younger women? I bet he'd make a great sugar-daddy."
This conversation was not happening. "Oh my God, stop. How would you like it if I talked about your father like that?"
Angela shot me a significant look as Jessica glanced down at her nails and grumbled, "What father?"
Oh. Oops.
"My dad's a minister," Angela said lightly, breaking the awkward silence. She tied her braid at the base with a rubber band. "He's got about twenty hairs on his head and he has to drive to Seattle to find pants that fit. So if you're talking about him like that then we really need to get your priorities in order, Bella."
My eyes widened at the mental image, and before I knew it I was snorting Jolly Rancher beer out of my nose. Jessica and Angela howled with laughter and I started to giggle in between sneezes.
Somewhere between the chocolate high and the tiny bit of alcohol I'd started having tons of fun.
"Anyway, this is, like, a major emergency," Jessica said once we'd calmed down. "Mike is a toad and now I don't have a date for prom and it's only a week away. What am I going to do?"
"You could always go stag." Angela grabbed a handful of popcorn. "It's the twenty-first century. You don't have to have a date."
"It's prom, Ang, and it'll never be the twenty-first century at prom." Jessica eyed me speculatively. "Bella, you be my date."
I almost choked on my drink again. "What?" I sputtered.
"C'mon, it'll be fun. Think of how much Mike and Edward will hate it. I won't make you wear a nose ring, just, like, grab my butt a couple times or something. It'll be perfect." Jessica appeared to be speaking in all seriousness. She waggled a scarlet fingernail at me. "I'll even buy you dinner. But no limo, I'm low on cash."
"No!" I was not going to grab Jessica's butt in public, no matter how much revenge would be involved. "Besides, I already have a date."
Angela looked at me with surprise. "I'm a member of the prom committee and you haven't bought any tickets. I didn't think you were going."
"Well, I'm... um... not." If my face hadn't already been red my blush would've been horrendous. "But I've got a date anyway, so... yeah. Sorry, Jess."
Both girls stopped what they were doing. "All right," Jessica said, sitting up and crossing her legs, looking eager. "Spill."
I shrank back. "There's nothing to spill."
"Yeah, right. There's totally a story here."
"Now, Jess, it's really none of our business." Angela smiled at me encouragingly. "Of course... if you did want to talk about it... you know we'd be here for you, right?"
That was downright manipulative. "Well... I..."
"Open another bottle for her," Jessica told Angela. "Strawberry this time."
"Okay, I'll talk, I'll talk." Apparently there were disadvantages to girls' nights. I swallowed the dregs of my drink and flopped face first into a throw pillow. "I'm going over to Jacob's," I said, hoping my voice would be too muffled for them to make out my words.
"Ah-ha!" Jessica crowed. "I knew he was your vampire!"
My whole body went cold; I jerked upright in alarm. "What?"
"Uh, somebody left that giant hickey. I mean, it's not like you can contort and do it to yourself, am I right?"
My hand flew to my neck. "Oh. Right." I forced myself to take a deep breath as my heart rate slowed back to a healthier speed. "Yeah, um... yeah. That was Jake."
Angela's expression remained impassive, but her eyes lit up. "I thought things were 'complicated' between the two of you?"
"They are." Somehow my face found its way back into the pillow. "We're just going to watch movies and stuff. It's no big deal."
My complete inability to lie cursed me again. "Right," Jessica said sarcastically.
"Make sure you're careful," Angela warned. "Last year I was on the Teen Health Panel and the rates for high school pregnancy are skyrocketing in the Pacific Northwest. I can drive you to the drugstore if you need. I like spermicide, personally."
I heard Jessica squeal. "Oh. My. God. You and Ben are not having sex."
"We've been together for awhile now, Jess."
"How did I not know about this?"
"Because we haven't had a girls' night in a long time! Was I supposed to just bring it up at the cafeteria table?"
"There are these things called phones, Angela! I can't believe you didn't tell me! Even Bella's telling me!"
I screamed into the pillow. "I'm not telling you anything! We're just watching movies!"
"Oh, Bella," Jessica said in the tones of someone much wiser, "no one just watches movies. Even you can't believe that, right? I mean, watching movies is officially the lamest line in the book."
The flicker of fire lit in my chest, and I threw my pillow aside angrily. "What are you saying?" I snapped, glaring at Jessica. "That Jake's feeding me a line?"
She snorted and inspected her nails. "All I know is, when Mike said--"
"Well, Jake's not Mike! You don't even know him. Don't you dare say stuff like that about him."
"All right, all right! No need to bite my head off!" Jessica narrowed her eyes at me. "Overreact much?"
"Whatever." I looked away, blowing out a breath. She had no right to insinuate things about Jacob, no right at all--
--and that was the imprint talking, I realized. I was overreacting. "Sorry," I mumbled, looking down. "I... uh..." I searched for a good excuse. "I've got PMS."
"Oh." Angela and Jessica both groaned in sympathy, everything forgiven. Angela tossed me another chocolate bar. "Quick, eat."
I tore open the wrapper and bit off a huge hunk of dark mint. "And... I guess..." The little pleasant buzz in my brain was increasing. "Maybe... I'm thinking about a little more than watching movies." I focused very intently on a tiny piece of lint stuck to the carpet.
"Well, obviously," Jessica said.
"I'll take you to the drug store this week," Angela promised.
I hid my face again and tried not to die.
***
If this was a hangover, it wasn't so bad. I felt a little bleary, but that could easily be attributed to not falling asleep until three AM. I had a slight headache too, but I'd also spent the night on the floor.
Of course, I'd only had one drink. Angela had had two and Jessica'd had three, so neither of them were looking particularly cheerful as we loaded the empty bottles back into Jessica's car when the sun rose the next morning.
"This was fun," Angela said as Jessica slammed the trunk shut, making them both wince. "We should do it again."
"Totally." Jessica rubbed her eyes. "We can use my house next time. Mom's always passed out by eight, so we can, you know, do whatever the hell we want." She grinned. "We'll invite Jacob over to watch movies--"
I covered my face with my hands, blushing furiously. "Shut up."
"Just make sure your dad drops you off and that he bends over to get your bags out of the car--"
"Shut up!"
Angela shook her head. "Jess, you're acting like you're in middle school."
"So what? Soon we'll be in college and have to act like adults all the time. So why not be middle schoolers for a few minutes before we can't anymore?"
It was hard to argue with that.
"Anyway, thanks for coming over." I handed over the end of the chocolate. We hadn't quite been able to eat it all, though we'd tried. "Here, I think I'll be sick if I ever see another truffle."
"Thanks." Jessica grinned as she and Angela got into the car. "This was pretty cool, Bella. See you Monday!"
I waved with my gloved hand while they drove down the street, feeling remarkably pleased with myself even as a cool breeze made me shiver in my knee-length nightshirt. They'd had fun. I'd had fun. Nothing special, just... regular, normal fun.
It was a huge change.
Still smiling, I grabbed yesterday's mail out of the box as I walked back into the house... and blinked in surprise. A large, thick white folder was wedged in between the electric bill and advertisements for discount oil changes.
A large, thick white folder addressed to me.
A large, thick white folder with the seal of Dartmouth College on the back.
Plodding into the kitchen, I dropped the other letters in disbelief and sank down at the table. I knew before I opened the envelope what it would say; I could tell by the thickness. But I hadn't even applied, how could I possibly have--
Dear Miss Swan: We are pleased to inform you...
"I was wondering when that would arrive."
I gasped and looked up in shock.
Edward stood in the kitchen doorway, his flawless face inscrutable, his light butterscotch eyes -- indicating a recent hunt -- glancing at my acceptance letter. As always, the sight of him threatened to steal my breath away; his peerless beauty dazzled every one of my senses. A young god, standing in my kitchen, speaking to me with a dulcet, musical voice.
A young god who was hurting Jacob.
The fire lit again.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded. "I didn't hear you knock."
"Alice said you wished to speak to me; I thought it would be best if I waited until your guests departed."
His thoughtfulness didn't move me. I pointed at the acceptance letter. "Did you do this?"
"Yes." Edward looked totally unrepentant. "My family has connections with that school and several others. You'd spoken of Dartmouth, and I thought the programs and atmosphere would suit you best..." He frowned slightly. "But I can make arrangements with Harvard if you would prefer, or--"
"I don't want you to make arrangements with anyone!" I cried, standing up. "If I couldn't get into those colleges on my own--"
"You could have if your academic record hadn't been so damaged." Pale, early morning light made its way through the window curtains, casting a gentle glow on Edward's stone skin. But it was a customarily gray morning, the sunbeams filtered by clouds and haze; the diamond sparkle that gave away his true nature wasn't in evidence. "And I'm to blame for that, Bella. Believe me, I had no idea what harm my absence would cause."
"You had no idea?" The absurdity of his statement made my head reel. "How can you... you left me! Did you expect me to dance a jig and whistle a happy tune?"
"No. I expected you to forget." His tone was chagrined. "Maybe not immediately, but within a few weeks, perhaps a month. Human minds are capable of moving on in a way that ours are not. I didn't realize the damage that would result; a college admission is only the barest of reparations I can offer."
When he spoke, that sweet, seductive scent filled the room. My anger started to ebb; I tried to hang onto it, but it began to slip through my fingers like sand. "I'm not going to Dartmouth, Edward." My voice sounded weaker than it had a moment earlier. "I'm going to Peninsula."
"If you're concerned about cost, there's no need. Every cent will be paid."
I thought of the worry I'd felt over the community college tuition, the unimpressive figures Charlie had written down for 'household income'; the implication of Edward's words felt like a slap. "I don't want your money," I said sharply. "And you only want me to go to Dartmouth because it's on the other side of the country."
"I want you to go to Dartmouth because that's where you deserve to go," Edward corrected. He stepped out of the doorway and stroked a single long finger against the back of the chair I'd been sitting in, glancing down at it wistfully. Maybe it was still warm. "But in the interest of honesty, having you on the other side of the country is an additional bonus."
Which brought us to why I'd wanted to talk to him in the first place. "I'm not leaving, Edward," I said. I tried to ignore how good it felt to speak his name, the way my lips formed around the syllables. "And that letter from Carlisle... it doesn't make any difference."
"So the reply said." He quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "It was very... pointed."
"Then you understand that it's not going to happen."
"I understand that the dogs don't want it to happen. Unsurprising."
My anger surged momentarily. "Don't call them that," I snapped.
Edward's smile shone even though it was a cynical version of its more genuine one. "I believe they refer to us as 'bloodsuckers'. Why not return the favor?"
"Because they're wolves, not dogs," I retorted, heat in my veins. "And you do suck blood."
He flinched at my harsh words, and stinging regret made me drop my eyes to the floor. I'd hurt him, I didn't want to hurt him... "So you hate me now," he said, his golden voice sorrowful.
I shook my head. It was impossible to hate Edward; it went against everything in my body and soul. "Of course I don't hate you--"
"It's all right, Bella." His tone was resigned. "You should. And I hate myself far more than you ever could. You're not even capable of the kind of loathing I feel towards my own actions. But I'd rather have you protected and hating me than imperiled and loving me."
"I..." I shook my head again, trying to clear my mind. His words felt like they made sense, but... I forced myself to back away, to give myself more space from the voice, the face, the scent. My lower back thudded painfully against the tile counter. "I'm serious, Edward," I managed to say. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in Forks."
"Then," he said calmly, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, "so am I."
Sheer helplessness brought tears to my eyes. "No, you can't," I said desperately. "The Pack-- look, there's other kids, they'll turn into wolves too and they shouldn't have to, it's not a good life--"
"I am sorry for that." His perfect melodic voice was filled with nothing but genuine remorse. "But it can't be helped, Bella. I won't leave you defenseless. Not again." His amber gaze fixed on my left hand, still guarded by my glove. "Not ever again."
"I'm not defenseless," I argued. "I have Charlie."
Once again, Edward's smile was only a cynical shadow of its former self. "Don't be foolish, Bella. I have nothing but the utmost respect for Chief Swan, but you and I both know that his shotgun will be useless if Jacob Black transforms in your bedroom."
His words hit me like the lash of a whip.
In your bedroom.
He knew Jacob had been in my bedroom.
"You've been watching me," I said mechanically, barely able to comprehend what this meant. "You've been watching us."
All the things Jacob and I had said to each other... the things we'd done...
"Only from a distance." Edward's hand tightened against the back of the chair. I heard the tiniest crack of snapping splinters. "Nothing inappropriate, I assure you. Besides, if the dog had been able to smell me I imagine the situation would have gotten out of hand very quickly."
"Nothing inappropriate?" My voice rose, high and shrill. The rage fought to resurface, but my lulled senses kept it in check; my fury beat feebly beneath my skin. "You've been spying on me--"
"Not spying," he corrected again. "Guarding. I swear to you, Bella, I was never near enough to see or hear anything... private." His marble lips twisted a bit on the last word. "But I was within earshot if you had screamed in pain. Twice I had to come closer before I realized you were having a nightmare, but those were the only times. I didn't wish to behave invasively." He glanced at my throat. "Though had I known how close you were allowing him..."
My thoughts were becoming confused and foggy. It was wrong, but... he only meant to protect me...
Edward still thought I was worth protecting...
"Bella, this has only been for your safety, I give you my word. Alice can't see the werewolves, and she can't see anyone around them. There's no possible way to predict if or when you could be attacked. Keeping vigil is the only way we can know you're unharmed."
I couldn't help but feel amazed by that. Edward, Edward thought I was worth all this.
Except he didn't get it. "Jacob would never hurt me. He..." I took a deep breath to steady myself... and my senses grew even duller. "Jacob loves me, Edward."
Edward's angelic face grew wistful. "Of course he does," he whispered sadly. "How could he not?"
"Then you see, he's not going to--"
"Bella." Edward stepped closer to me; the counter dug further into my back, but I had nowhere left to retreat. "Bella, you must try to understand. Jacob Black..." His eyes narrowed slightly, but he continued, "I've seen Jacob Black's mind. It's confused, disorganized. He lacks true understanding of the immense power he wields." Edward's velvet voice filled with worry. "I know about the Alpha's fiancee, Bella. Surely that must show you the truth: love won't stop a werewolf from killing you if he loses control for a split second."
"Like you?" I tried to shout the words back, but they only came out in a whisper.
"Yes. Like me. Except I've had ninety years to learn discipline and Jacob has had two months." Edward sighed, closing his eyes for the briefest moment. "And believe me, ninety years is only barely enough."
Edward looked so sad, so lost, that I couldn't stop myself from touching his hand with my free fingers. The feel of his smooth, hard skin sent electric shocks up my arm. "Is this really about my protection?" I whispered. My heart thudded against my ribs as I asked the most important question, the one I could hardly believe I was in a position to ask. "Or... are you jealous?"
He hesitated, then reached for my face. His fingertips traced the barest of lines across my cheekbone as my eyes fluttered shut. "Of course I'm jealous," he said quietly. His sweet scent filled the air between us, and I inhaled greedily. "I'd give anything to still be the one coming to your window every night, to be the one to hold you in my arms. I remember every single second of those precious moments. You sleep curled on your left side and you speak aloud during your dreams and you wake with tangled hair and yes, I am insanely jealous that now Jacob Black knows those things too. But, Bella, believe me when I tell you that what matters to me more than anything, more than my own envious wishes, is your safety. I could never live in a world where you didn't exist."
My blood turned to ice as I realized what he meant. "Don't," I begged. "Don't ever say that, don't put that on me--"
"I told you once that I would go to the Volturi," Edward continued, his fingertips still stroking. "That I would beg them to end my sorry existence. It's still true. Do you see now, Bella? Your life is everything. It was to protect you that I left. It's to protect you that I stay now."
The tears spilled from my eyes and ran down my cheeks, wetting the tips of his fingers.
"Go to New Hampshire," he murmured. "Please. Go to Dartmouth. Meet a kind lawyer or doctor who will give you all the things I cannot. My heart will shatter when you do, but I'll still be happy knowing you've made the right decision. Have children. Grow old. Be safe. I want you to live your life... but it can't be with Jacob Black. Anyone else in the world, but not Jacob Black."
Jacob. A thrumming, caged, furious part of my mind began to call out desperately. Jacob.
I felt dizzy. Edward was standing close now, so close, his perfect face only inches from mine. His golden eyes shone down on me with protectiveness and... devotion. "You really do love me," I said in wonder.
How could someone like this desire someone as meaningless as me? It didn't make any sense at all...
Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.
Edward cupped my face gently between his marble palms. My body shivered in response. "Bella, believe me, there will never come a time when I won't love you. I will love you past your final breath until the day I crumble into dust, and if there is anything left of my being it will spend eternity hunting for whatever is left of yours."
My heart beat a wild, staccato rhythm in my chest.
Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.
Without even realizing what I was doing, I raised the fingers of my gloved hand to trace the edge of Edward's jaw. His eyes closed before he lamented in that glorious, seraphic voice, "I am so selfish."
Then he lowered his lips to mine.
It was as though no time had passed at all, none. It could easily have been a year ago, the happiest moment I'd ever had. The moment when an angel told me I was his whole life. We'd only shared a few dozen kisses in our six months together, but the feeling of his cold mouth moving against me was simultaneously familiar and shocking; every nerve ending in my body sang at the delicious sensation. I pushed myself closer, responding enthusiastically, my flesh giving against the sculpted statue of his body.
My breath stopped entirely.
Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
Edward's arms encircled my waist, holding me carefully, so much more carefully than I wanted. My lips parted, seeking more--
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
I staggered and nearly lost my balance as Edward released me and stepped away.
Charlie stood in the doorway. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to indicate exhaustion from his night out, but the glaring rage radiating from his frame belied that. His hands shook. "Get out," he spat, his eyes fixed on Edward. "You are not welcome in my home."
Shame and regret showed all over Edward's face. "Chief Swan, let me apologize--"
"Get. Out. Now." Charlie took a menacing step forward and pointed toward the hallway. "And don't you ever lay a hand on my child again."
"Sir, I--"
"GET OUT!"
Edward nodded, took one more mournfully golden glance in my direction, and walked from the kitchen. A moment later I heard the door close in the entryway.
Charlie wheeled on me, no less furious than he'd been a moment before. "A girls' night, huh? I trusted you, Isabella Marie Swan!"
He'd trusted me.
I remained on my feet, but everything began to grow dark.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie's voice, turning from furious to frantic. "Bells, can you hear me?"
What had I done?
"Bells, kiddo, calm down, listen to me, breathe--"
I tried to force a lungful of clear, clean air into my body, but I couldn't do it. My breath stayed shallow.
Through the spots dancing in front of my vision I saw Charlie looking into my eyes. His warm hand touched my forehead. "Bella, have you been drinking?"
I nodded slightly. I wanted to form the words Just one, but they stuck in my throat. That wasn't it. Charlie had never seen me after one of Edward's kisses. He didn't know how normal this was. He didn't know that I almost always grew light-headed, how I was too pathetic to respond rationally when those cold lips met mine...
"Did he bring it? Did he give you something?"
I was going to faint.
"Bella, I need you to sit down, I'm going to get an ambulance--"
An ambulance wasn't what I wanted. I finally gasped half a true breath into my lungs, and the caged voice broke free. "Jacob!"
Charlie froze, phone already in hand. "What?"
I burst into tears and threw myself into my father's arms. "I want Jacob, Dad, I want Jacob, please, I want Jacob, let me call Jacob--"
"Bella--"
My sobbing took over and choked my words. I still couldn't inhale properly. "Jacob," I forced out. "Jacob--"
Charlie hesitated, then ran a comforting hand over my head, stroking my hair. "All right," he said. "All right, kiddo, I'll call Jacob, but you have to sit, do you hear me?" I let him steer me into a chair and gently push my head between my knees, but I didn't let go; I kept hyperventilating as I clung to his waist like a little kid. I could feel the skin splitting inside my glove as I fisted my hand too tightly into his shirt.
The numbers rang musically as Charlie dialed. I heard the sound of ringing once, twice, three times before he said gruffly, "Hey, Billy. It's Charlie."
A long pause.
"Yes, Charlie Swan, you cantankerous son of a bitch. I need to talk to your boy, Bella's in a--"
Another pause, shorter this time. Then Charlie erupted, "What the hell do you mean, 'he already left'?"
Jacob was coming.
Jacob would hate me for what I'd done.
Charlie slammed the receiver down without another word. "Bella, why in God's name is Jacob Black already on his way here?"
"I..." I gasped for breath. He would hate me, he would never look at me again. "I can't tell you..."
"Isabella, you better damn well--"
His sentence was interrupted by the sound of the front door being knocked off its hinges.
In the blink of an eye the back of my head hit the wood of the kitchen cabinets; I found myself on the counter, crushed in a rough, blazing embrace. My legs parted instinctively to bring him closer until every inch of me was in contact with the heat I craved. "I'm sorry," I sobbed into Jacob's bare chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Sweat dripped off Jacob's body; his sides heaved with exertion. I couldn't even imagine how fast he'd run. "Bella," he gasped hoarsely, hot hands diving under my nightshirt to clutch at my back. "Bells, what happened, I felt you but I don't--"
"I kissed Edward."
I felt Jake stiffen. "What?"
"I kissed Edward." The tears flowed even harder. "He was here and I kissed him. Jake, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry--"
Jacob stayed frozen for a long moment. Then a tremble ran through his body before he whispered, "Shh, it's fine." His hands started to move again, his thumbs rubbing circles into my skin. "It's fine, Bells, it's okay. Breathe. You've gotta breathe."
I tried to inhale, and this time it worked. My lungs filled with air.
One breath, in and out.
Two.
Three.
But I could only use the breaths to cry. My weeping turned silent, but it didn't stop. It couldn't stop. I'd been weak and pathetic and terrible and I was so embarrassed--
"Someone had better tell me what's going on here." Charlie's voice was low and dangerous. "Now."
I couldn't say a word. After a short moment, Jacob spoke in a surprisingly level tone. "Edward Cullen's been messing with her head at school. Trying to weasel his way back in. I talk her through it when she's having trouble."
"What? When?"
"She calls me from the school payphone," he lied smoothly, his hands still rubbing my back. "She calms down after awhile and remembers that he's a total douchebag. I know you don't want me around--"
"I don't want any of you around."
"--but Bella's my best friend and I had to help."
"Uh-huh. Well, she didn't call you right now, so how did you know there was something wrong?"
Jacob paused, then answered, "Just a hunch."
I kept shivering.
"Right." I heard Charlie make an annoyed noise, one that clearly said he didn't believe a word of any of this. But apparently he didn't think that Jacob's fishy story was his top priority at the moment. "Let go of her. I'm taking her to the hospital and then I'm going to arrest his ass. He gave her something."
Jacob's embrace tightened; I heard a low growl in his throat. He wasn't going to let anyone take me out of his arms.
"I don't want to go to the hospital." I said, still hiding my face. "Nothing happened."
"Bella, I know what it looks like when--"
"Nothing happened," I repeated. "Edward didn't give me anything. I wanted him to kiss me. I kissed him back. It was my fault. It was all me."
I felt a shudder in Jacob's spine.
Charlie stormed out of the kitchen, his boots pounding against the floor. A moment later there was a crash from the direction of the living room.
The moment my father was out of sight, Jacob began raining kisses all over my face. "Bella, honey, it's okay..."
"I'm sorry, Jake." I couldn't even look at him. "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I don't know what I was thinking--"
"I do. I've seen how that bloodsucker works on you."
"No, it wasn't like that, he didn't make me do anything, I started it, I did--"
Jacob pressed his lips against my cheek. "Don't do that, it's not--" Then without warning he broke off and jerked away with an instinctive movement. I stared wide-eyed as he backed up, his face wrinkled with disgust.
Oh. I smelled like vampire.
"I'll go take a shower," I said dully, sliding down off the counter.
His expression changed instantly from revolted to horrified. "No, wait, I'm sorry, it just caught me by surprise--"
"It's fine." I brushed past him toward the staircase, dodging as he reached for me. I kind of wanted to scrub myself clean anyway. Or as clean as I could get.
"Bells, really--"
"I'll just be a few minutes."
I trudged up to my room and closed the door quietly before stripping out of my nightshirt. My eyes went to the window; the line of Hershey's Kisses was gone. Jacob had come by last night, seen my note, and left again.
I pulled a towel out of the basket and wrapped it around myself. It took another moment to pull the glove from my left hand. Pain shot through my fingers as the leather peeled away from the half-dozen tiny splits from where I'd gripped Charlie too tight; drops of blood welled up along each one.
I couldn't bring myself to glance in the mirror.
As I crossed the hallway to the bathroom, I heard my father's furious voice carrying up the stairs. "She's lying. I know she's lying. I'm going to kill that little bastard."
In complete contrast to my father's heated rage, Jacob's voice was cold as winter.
"Not if I kill him first."
***
Chapter Five: Vision
Sanity Update: This one was really tricky to write. I hope it worked. As a side note, the original novel is tickling at my brain, which may lead to hiatus. We'll have to see.
gypseian 's podfic of this chapter will be available here for listening and/or download.