empress (of the lost)

[brainpanned]

who: river and doctor
what: forgiveness?
when: aug. 8
where: Bluebird
rating: G?
status: incomplete

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[brainpanned]

Ironically, some of the most twisted images were the most recent. The visit with the dragon - River had been so happy then, absorbing everything she saw into her mental hard drive. His memories of the Doctor. Of War. [So much sadness in the way he moves his hands...the way he smiles but really doesn't...]

It hurt the most to realize just how many memories had been so easily forgotten. Her and Simon [she is eight years old] sitting in their living room and arguing about who made the biggest impact on modern physics [Albert Einstein or Isaac Newton? River argues the former and Simon only concedes when River begins crying and Daddy tells him to stop upsetting his little sister.]

Outside, River sniffled and made a quiet gasping sound. Inside, she numbly put the image aside and retreated farther and farther - until something she sensed made her blood run cold. Doctor - - that - - is not mine.

It felt tangible, like a computer program, like something hardwired to every cell of her being. And it wasn't hers it wasn't hers! River clawed

[brainpanned]

"'course not." She looked disappointed, averting her eyes from his as they made their way deeper into the TARDIS. River, conversely, wanted isolation. It was easy to feel organized and normal with books. Books couldn't judge you and call you insane and cut into your head with sharp things.

"Wouldn't be proper. Wouldn't be safe - for either of you."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor couldn't argue, at least the it wouldn't be safe. But it wasn't himself that he was worried about. River and the Master were both capable of hurting the other badly, and he wouldn't risk that.

"No need to worry about all of that," the Doctor said, stopping in front of a closed door. "Right now all you need to worry about, is what you're going to read first," he grinned, opening the door and motioning River inside.

[brainpanned]

The library was huge - massive - with shelves and shelves of books in which River could so easily lose herself. Her hands traveled up to her heart (she only had one, River noted) and she made a quiet, surprised, "Oh!"

Her fingers traced the spines of books as she picked titles seemingly at random. The Joy of Achmidian Art. Galbaris Physics: Why Up is Sometimes Down. Dance in the Dalek World: What not to do. All those books fell from her hands, however, as she gave a shout of glee and surprise.

The volume in her hands was titled 26th Century Ships and How to Fly Them (A Practical Study.) "Here!" She hurried back to the Doctor, setting the book with a thump on the nearest table and flipping through it madly. "Here..." Her finger shook as she traced the image of true familiarity. Of Serenity.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor's hearts soared as he watched River's eyes devour the books. The gentle way she stroked the spines, treasuring them the way the Doctor did.

Curious as to what had her so excited, he looked at the page she had open. "Oooh a 03-K64 Firefly-class mid-bulk cargo transport! I've never actually seen one, but Kaylee's told me about out the engines and what not. Oh! This is where you lived wasn't it? On a cargo transport!" he cried, the light turning on in his mind.

[brainpanned]

River's eyes glowed with love and nostalgia as she delicately stroked the sketch. "Serenity," she murmured, then with a finger began pointing at the small, etched compartments off of the cargo bay. "River. Simon. Preacher." - then at the compartments along the causeway to the bridge. "Kaylee. Wash and Zoe. Captain. Jayne." She gestured to one of the shuttles. "Inara." Frowning, she added, "But she's leaving. Thinks no one knows yet."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"Simon's your brother, yeah? The doctor?"

He knew Kaylee of course, but none of the other names were familiar. But they were obviously important to River, her family. "Where is Inara going?" he ask curiously.

[brainpanned]

She smiled at him like he was the fool now. "All my brothers have been doctors."

Inara puzzled her - always had. Such a strong woman, whose job was to love but when faced with Real Love, she ran. River didn't quite understand that kind of love.

"Got scared," she finally answered, "She's a big girl now. Wants to go far far away from Captain. Doesn't make sense."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor laughed. "So they have," he agreed. When River's mind was clear and calm, her wit tickled him to bits.

"Sometimes running is the only thing you can think of when you're scared," the Doctor answered softly.

[brainpanned]

"They catch up to you, though." The smell of books permeated her skin and made things more clear - it made the Doctor both easier and harder to read.

"Can't run forever. Sometimes you need to come home." She grinned wryly and patted his hand. "Even when you can't."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"I've got the TARDIS!" he said, spinning away, not wanting to go any further the topic. "I'm always home!"

He walked to the shelves, his eyes perusing the familiar titles. He climbed one of the ladders scattered through out the room. "Aha! Here we go!" he cried, pulling a book from the shelf.

The Doctor went back to River, setting it on the table before her. The Ancient Race of Dragons. "Galreth's in there. Has a whole chapter devoted just to him. Couldn't happen to a nicer dragon."

[brainpanned]

River moved her hand thoughtfully along the edges of the book before opening it. "He told me things," she said, "About you. You were a soldier. Didn't want to- no - that's wrong - you did."

Finally, the heavy pages turned to the image of the white dragon she had met. "There was a war...burnt the orange skies."

As if this was a better topic.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor froze, his eyes darting to River. Despite everything, there were times he forgot that she could see things almost as clearly as him.

"It was a long time ago," the Doctor said, moving away from the table. "Time to move on." Whether he was speaking to himself or River, he couldn't have said.

[brainpanned]

"You were angry, then!" she called after him, a pitch of desperation in her voice as he moved away. "Never moved on. You wonder: is it worth it? Shattered glass cities. Planets ripped in two..." Her vision swam with stars and she leaned back to stop feeling quite so dizzy.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"River!" the Doctor snapped. "Stop," he said through clenched teeth. He couldn't do this, not now. Frankly, he didn't it have it in him.

He took a deep breath and blew it out with puffed cheeks. When he spoke, his voice was gentler. "We're not going to talk about that, River. Not now. Not ever."

[brainpanned]

The way she flinched was visible, her hand half-raised in self defense against nothing.

She continued because the images in her head gave her no other choice. "Different now," she whispered, counting on her fingers, "One, two, three...ten times you're different. Ten fingers, ten changes. So different, carrying the same heaviness...your eyes never change. That's an oddness. Everything but the eyes..."