Comments | asperger: Hostility as a default

dearmisterecho in asperger

Hostility as a default

Jul 04, 2008 02:39

I've started to realize that I'm so clueless at reading people that my automatic response is to be hostile. It's a coping mechanism I've had since I was about 10 and was struck violently in the face with the fact that I'm utterly clueless at understanding people's motives and intentions...I think of it as almost as me going into survival mode. I ( Read more... )

does anyone else..., username: d - df

Comments 8

acidexia July 4 2008, 07:04:36 UTC

I act like my hostility is in good fun once I realize the person isn't out to get me. Not sure how to prevent it though.

zhekai July 4 2008, 07:12:05 UTC

My default is caution/suspicion with an overlay of weariness.
It doesn't scare people off, just makes me seem tired and unenthusiastic.

I try to make decisions that i'll be happy with even if someone turns out to be untrustworthy. In other words, my actions don't really rely heavily on anyone else, especially not people who i don't know very well.

Another way of looking at it: people can't influence me much for good or ill.

In retrospect i've found that i shouldn't do things i'm not comfortable with, regardless of whether i'm being manipulated or not. Then there are no regrets :)

An example of this would be: doing unpleasant favors for a friend, purely because they are a friend. then later you discover that the 'friend' was just using you, and looked down on you. In that case, it would be better to maintain your integrity from the very beginning, and do nothing that you weren't happy to do.

now i'm sure there's a more concise way for me to say that :)

writerwench July 4 2008, 08:29:14 UTC

It's tremendously hard to have a workable default setting for social interaction that DOESN'T get constantly kicked and found faulty.

Hostility, however, is a seriously unworkable default - because it automatically turns other people hostile, however friendly they may have started out.

Without being naively over-trusting, I'd recommend the development of a default setting that is neutral-tending-towards-friendly, and the social skill of NOT feeling pressured to come up with an instant response to every stimulus. If you can give yourself time to consider the words and actions of others, you may find it possible to respond in a relaxed manner.

My younger daughter also used to assume that everyone is hostile until proven otherwise. It's a very negative view and she's had to work very hard on changing it.

sevenjades July 4 2008, 16:26:41 UTC

I used to be, and still am in some ways. It doesn't help that people can simultaneously endear themselves to me and annoy the bloody hell out of me, nor that I have an Irish temper. And with people not being logical and rational and all... grr ( ... )

dearmisterecho July 6 2008, 03:20:41 UTC

thanks, I've studied Buddhism quite a lot and that makes a lot of sense. I've found that the more I explore other spiritual paths, the more I'm able to sort of forgive others for acting human and forgive myself for not being super sharp on understanding these things :)

howdy froganon July 5 2008, 01:40:17 UTC

I vigorously remind myself that it really is okay to leave the baseball bat at home (or at least in the car) sometimes.

That seems to work for me.

And there is this book that helped me too. It has a lengthy sentence completion program in the back. "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Dude is not an aspie, doesn't seem to understand much about addiction or abuse survivors, and is heterocentric in his world view. However, the book and the program in the back helped me immensely.

spike