High Standards and Low Expectations
Hello! Today, it's my turn to shoot a problem in the face. I hope you don't mind if instead I excise it, slice it into tissue-thin pieces and place it under a microscope. It probably won't be as funny as Jack's approach, but it's neater. It may also be actually useful. If so, please forgive me; I'm still new here.
Dear Captain Jack Martha,
I recently got out of an intense relationship with an older woman. She spoiled me a little and totally upset my idea of what is "normal", in just about every way. I am trying to get back into the world and the dating scene is not what I remember. I like men and women, so this should be easier!
I have tried the internet sites with some success. But what I really want to know is when do you have sex without seeming like a loose person? What is the norm now?
High Standards And Low Expectations
-----------------------------------------
Dear High Standards,
I'm a bit confused. First you talk about the "dating scene" and then you talk about "sex without seeming like a loose person". Are you looking to meet someone you'd enjoy having a relationship with, or just gagging for a shag?
If all you want is casual sex, the answer is simple: lower your standards. You don't say where you live, but unless you live in a small town, there are likely any number of bars and clubs within driving distance where you can pull. If you're clean, suitably dressed and don't act like a yob, it shouldn't be difficult -- especially after a couple of pints of Dutch courage. Do me a favour, though: if you're going home with strangers, make sure a friend knows where you'll be. That way, if you accidentally get abducted by an alien or a cannibal and don't check in, your friend will worry and try to contact you, and if they can't, they'll know to contact the police or Torchwood. And please -- I know you probably don't need this bit of advice, but -- Condoms. Condoms, condoms, condoms. Let me turn to the CCTV and say it loudly and clearly: CONDOMS.
This goes double for finding casual sex partners on the Internet. I know this might come as a surprise, but people sometimes disguise their identity on the Internet! I know, what a shock! :) So just in case, if you decide to hook up with someone you find on the Internet, the first time you meet in person do it in a public place. That way, if they turn out not to be who they say they are, or if they have tentacles or eye-stalks you find unattractive, or they show up with dried blood on their face or shirt or carrying an axe or something, you can easily make your excuses and escape.
For me, "dating" implies you'd actually like to get to know a person. You may find you enjoy each other's company and want to spend time with each other that doesn't involve orgasms and CONDOMS. Please feel free to do so! Some studies say that a good way to foster attraction between people is to go for a date that involves a touch of excitement and produces an elevated heart rate. The best place to do so, they say, is at a fun fair (or, in American, an amusement park). It's a light-hearted day out that gives you lots to talk and laugh about, it's not a situation that pressures for sex, and the roller coasters and other rides provide a frisson of shared danger and an excuse to scream and grab each other without, you know, involving real peril and impending death. Scary films also work a treat.
As for "when to have sex", play it by ear. You may want to consider paying attention to your date's body language and such to determine whether they want to have sex with you. I know it takes a bit more work and delayed gratification is such a chore, but I'm sure you can steel yourself if you try.
Or you can simply wait until the third date. If you and ... um, the object of your affections, as it were ... make it that far, you've probably both decided that the other is worth the effort.
Have fun and play safe!
All best,
Martha
Dear Captain Jack Martha,
I recently got out of an intense relationship with an older woman. She spoiled me a little and totally upset my idea of what is "normal", in just about every way. I am trying to get back into the world and the dating scene is not what I remember. I like men and women, so this should be easier!
I have tried the internet sites with some success. But what I really want to know is when do you have sex without seeming like a loose person? What is the norm now?
High Standards And Low Expectations
-----------------------------------------
Dear High Standards,
I'm a bit confused. First you talk about the "dating scene" and then you talk about "sex without seeming like a loose person". Are you looking to meet someone you'd enjoy having a relationship with, or just gagging for a shag?
If all you want is casual sex, the answer is simple: lower your standards. You don't say where you live, but unless you live in a small town, there are likely any number of bars and clubs within driving distance where you can pull. If you're clean, suitably dressed and don't act like a yob, it shouldn't be difficult -- especially after a couple of pints of Dutch courage. Do me a favour, though: if you're going home with strangers, make sure a friend knows where you'll be. That way, if you accidentally get abducted by an alien or a cannibal and don't check in, your friend will worry and try to contact you, and if they can't, they'll know to contact the police or Torchwood. And please -- I know you probably don't need this bit of advice, but -- Condoms. Condoms, condoms, condoms. Let me turn to the CCTV and say it loudly and clearly: CONDOMS.
This goes double for finding casual sex partners on the Internet. I know this might come as a surprise, but people sometimes disguise their identity on the Internet! I know, what a shock! :) So just in case, if you decide to hook up with someone you find on the Internet, the first time you meet in person do it in a public place. That way, if they turn out not to be who they say they are, or if they have tentacles or eye-stalks you find unattractive, or they show up with dried blood on their face or shirt or carrying an axe or something, you can easily make your excuses and escape.
For me, "dating" implies you'd actually like to get to know a person. You may find you enjoy each other's company and want to spend time with each other that doesn't involve orgasms and CONDOMS. Please feel free to do so! Some studies say that a good way to foster attraction between people is to go for a date that involves a touch of excitement and produces an elevated heart rate. The best place to do so, they say, is at a fun fair (or, in American, an amusement park). It's a light-hearted day out that gives you lots to talk and laugh about, it's not a situation that pressures for sex, and the roller coasters and other rides provide a frisson of shared danger and an excuse to scream and grab each other without, you know, involving real peril and impending death. Scary films also work a treat.
As for "when to have sex", play it by ear. You may want to consider paying attention to your date's body language and such to determine whether they want to have sex with you. I know it takes a bit more work and delayed gratification is such a chore, but I'm sure you can steel yourself if you try.
Or you can simply wait until the third date. If you and ... um, the object of your affections, as it were ... make it that far, you've probably both decided that the other is worth the effort.
Have fun and play safe!
All best,
Martha