High Standards and Low Expectations

[ask_arealdoctor]

Hello! Today, it's my turn to shoot a problem in the face. I hope you don't mind if instead I excise it, slice it into tissue-thin pieces and place it under a microscope. It probably won't be as funny as Jack's approach, but it's neater. It may also be actually useful. If so, please forgive me; I'm still new here.

Dear Captain Jack Martha

Comments

[gwen_e_cooper]

if you accidentally get abducted by an alien or a cannibal and don't check in, your friend will worry and try to contact you, and if they can't, they'll know to contact the police or Torchwood. And please -- I know you probably don't need this bit of advice, but -- Condoms. Condoms, condoms, condoms.

This is GREAT advice (you would not believe the police reports we hack. (I mean, that we see in our system.)

Maybe a brochure could be made? We could stock it in the tourist information centre!

[ask_arealdoctor]

I can't think that a "What To Do When Abducted By Aliens and/or Cannibals" brochure would help Cardiff tourism, really.

[gwen_e_cooper]

Probably not, but civilian safety is part of our charter.

Dilemma.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Well, I've updated the ones about Brecon Beacons to reflect a certain amount of hazard. I recommend several good vegan restaurants in nearby towns!

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Gagging for a shag! I LOLed a little. Good rhyme, Martha.

Have you met any aliens with eyestalks? We get very few here, I've always wondered how that works. Does the whole apparatus move, or just the eye?

Also, you can stop yelling CONDOMS over the loudspeaker, we're all careful except for Hart and we all know shouting doesn't work on him.

[ask_arealdoctor]

I've encountered a couple of types of eyestalks. I think the best are the ones that move independently. I wonder what it would be like to have 360 degree vision -- I can't quite imagine it, can you? But I should think it would come in useful when Hart is sneaking up behind you.

I am told by Jack that the word "condom" makes my mouth look quite attractive, thank you very much.

[gwen_e_cooper]

Daleks have eyestalks, but nobody would date them unless it was a blind date.

Or a cybersexing date!

Eww.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

EXTERMIDATE.

[oh_doask]

Hit me up when I'm on the internets. It's always all me.

I even have condoms!

Call 9876-66.. HEY! Jones, I was giving out my personal line here!

[loupgaros]

Dalek sex? INSEMINATE, INSEMINATE!

[ask_arealdoctor]

It's all about the plunger, you know.

EW. I just squicked myself! I'm still learning how to do this "flippant gallows humour" thing. Ianto is the expert.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

That was very good! You could have gone for the eggbeater bit, but nope! Straight for the plunger!

You just have to learn not to make a face when you say something that the rest of the world will find utterly inappropriate.

[neifile7]

OMG THE PLUNGER.

Don't you remember that awful moment when the Dalek did his "data extraction" in the Canary Wharf lab? (I know, you weren't there. But you must have seen the footage.)

Gave a whole new meaning to "giving head."

[bone_lady]

*bleaches brain after reading about Dalek sex* The eggbeater could work too...but if its a Dalek/human hybrid. Well. Then that would be a DIFFERENT STORY.

I'd imagine all those tentacles they have could do some pleasuring.

Great advice to the reader by all means!

[askfor_bananas]

Huamnized Daleks? Boy, does that bring back memories...

Don't worry about the Daleks. They're all dead, I made sure of it.