B5 FIC :: "Shattered Glass: A Journey - Part 7" [Susan/Talia, R]
INDEX & DISCLAIMER INFO { DW || LJ }
Warning: Mention of physical cruelty.
4 March 2263
jason isn't real
dead men don't live in your mind
Control isn't real
programs can't be sentient
Psi Corps is testing your will
I wish I could say that I was surprised to see this sanity snippet today. Lyta came to my office today to say that they'd found another of Bester's Control experimentees that had slipped through the cracks. When her operative found the young woman in a facility on Earth, she was nearly catatonic. But just the mere sight of another former Psi Corps member was enough to set her off in a murderous rage. In the end, the operative watched as the guardians of the facility let the young woman kill herself in her rage, bashing her brains out against the wall.
Talia was there when the operative reported to Lyta. It wasn't until after their meeting had finished that Lyta even realized that it might not be the best thing for Talia to hear. She immediately came to inform me of the situation, which brought her up in my estimation once again. At this point, it's been long enough that I can understand why she did what she had to nearly three years ago. I still don't like it, but it wasn't her fault, no matter how much I've blamed her in the past.
Psi Corps does things to its people that the rest of us can only guess at. And I, for one, don't want to have to guess at what worse things they could have done that would make the Control program pale by comparison.
When I got home, Talia was visibly shaken by the news, but didn't want me to coddle her over it. She admitted to briefly contemplating suicide again, which scared the hell out of me. But she also said that she'd immediately left to try to talk to Robin about it, and they had an emergency session to get over the worst of it. Talia reassured me that she was no longer feeling that need to release the pain; Jason even voiced his verification of Talia's words, which helped ease the tight bands of fear around my chest.
We had dinner with Delenn, since John was back on Earth to deal with presidential issues. Delenn's getting far enough along in her pregnancy that the travel is causing more issues than it's worth, so she's been spending a lot more time with us. Her calming presence helped Talia regroup and center herself again. I will forever be grateful to Delenn for the bond of friendship she's developed with Talia.
Right now, Talia is lying next to me, deeply asleep. I should be asleep, too, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to watch her, make sure she's safe from the nightmares that are sure to come. After dinner tonight, we came home and talked over a bottle of wine, nothing of consequence. I knew she was trying to deflect any sort of serious discussion, but the tension was creating a tightness around her eyes and mouth that I will always hate for marring her calm.
The wine did help to ease her tension minimally, and I found myself massaging her scalp, neck, and shoulders. It apparently worked wonders, particularly when I heard her softly sniffling the longer the massage went on. After I loosened a particularly evil knot in her shoulder, something changed. Talia turned around and branded me with a kiss that took me completely by surprise. She was driven, said she wanted to forget for just a little bit. Our lovemaking tonight was so intense; Talia was dominant and feral, marking me with lips, teeth, and nails. She didn't stop until she'd worn herself out from the exertion and multiple orgasms.
I'm honestly not sure how I'm still awake right now, but I need to be. I need to make sure that Talia's all right tonight. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow, so I can rest then, though I'm not holding my breath about having the whole day off with Talia. I still don't know how John and Delenn dealt with all of the little emergencies that cropped up on this station when he was in command. Or maybe it's changed since he took over as President. I'm not sure.
Clarification from Talia: I was shaken to my core by the news that day, but not necessarily for the reasons Susan may have thought. Yes, the thought that some incompatibility with the Control program would cause people to become homicidally violent is terrifying at best. The thought that someone would stand aside and let another human being beat themselves into a bloody pulp before a horrific and painful death cuts so deeply. Control had that sort of attitude; I felt it when She was in control of this body that we'd shared.
I know that Jason shielded me from a lot of what Control said and did, but there were times even he needed to rest and regenerate his abilities. Snippets of Her use of my life and body filtered in. Maybe filtered is the wrong word. It wasn't like I could block them myself. She had no conscience, no compassion. She gave me nightmares that I don't think will ever completely go away, not even when I die. She would interrogate someone, usually about the Underground Railroad rebellion, and there were several instances where Her interrogation was blatant torture. She would find people to assist Her that had even fewer moral convictions than She had, which terrifies me to this day. They would beat, torture, and even rape their prisoners. I would love to call those people something else but, at the heart of it all, they were Her prisoners. Or maybe Psi Corps' prisoners. I've never really been sure of that distinction, and I'm not sure that I care to get a confirmation either way. I have enough issues with Psi Corps to deal with the idea that they willingly allowed and encouraged torture of prisoners. That might just push me completely over the edge, even now.
Hearing about the death of that young woman who never even knew she was a pawn to Bester's perverted experiments was difficult to hear. That there wasn't any compassion for her by her guardians hurt even more. If it hadn't been for Jason, I'd have potentially been in the same position as she'd been forced into. I know now that his presence within me is the only thing that saved me from being completely obliterated when Lyta sent that fateful codeword to unlock Control.
And yes, I was feeling that same trapped sensation as I had when I'd attempted suicide just a few short months earlier. I felt panicky and didn't know where to turn. I didn't want to burden Susan or Delenn with something that I knew I'd need to just get over. And how stupid does that sound? You can't just get over something like what happened to me, not in a few months, maybe not even in a lifetime. Before I could do anything rash or drastic, I walked myself over to Robin's office. Thankfully, she was available to talk to me, and got me through the worst of the panic attack over the situation. The need for release definitely lessened, but I couldn't completely forget what I had been told either.
As for our lovemaking that night, I'd love to say that Susan's assessment of me being feral in my possession of her was an exaggeration, but I can't. I needed to feel something other than fear and revulsion; I needed to know that I could control something in my life that was good. And so, I took a more forceful, dominant role in our lovemaking. I can only thank God that I didn't permanently mark her that night.
Original post @ Dreamwidth with
comments. Commenting is welcome on either post.
Warning: Mention of physical cruelty.
4 March 2263
jason isn't real
dead men don't live in your mind
Control isn't real
programs can't be sentient
Psi Corps is testing your will
I wish I could say that I was surprised to see this sanity snippet today. Lyta came to my office today to say that they'd found another of Bester's Control experimentees that had slipped through the cracks. When her operative found the young woman in a facility on Earth, she was nearly catatonic. But just the mere sight of another former Psi Corps member was enough to set her off in a murderous rage. In the end, the operative watched as the guardians of the facility let the young woman kill herself in her rage, bashing her brains out against the wall.
Talia was there when the operative reported to Lyta. It wasn't until after their meeting had finished that Lyta even realized that it might not be the best thing for Talia to hear. She immediately came to inform me of the situation, which brought her up in my estimation once again. At this point, it's been long enough that I can understand why she did what she had to nearly three years ago. I still don't like it, but it wasn't her fault, no matter how much I've blamed her in the past.
Psi Corps does things to its people that the rest of us can only guess at. And I, for one, don't want to have to guess at what worse things they could have done that would make the Control program pale by comparison.
When I got home, Talia was visibly shaken by the news, but didn't want me to coddle her over it. She admitted to briefly contemplating suicide again, which scared the hell out of me. But she also said that she'd immediately left to try to talk to Robin about it, and they had an emergency session to get over the worst of it. Talia reassured me that she was no longer feeling that need to release the pain; Jason even voiced his verification of Talia's words, which helped ease the tight bands of fear around my chest.
We had dinner with Delenn, since John was back on Earth to deal with presidential issues. Delenn's getting far enough along in her pregnancy that the travel is causing more issues than it's worth, so she's been spending a lot more time with us. Her calming presence helped Talia regroup and center herself again. I will forever be grateful to Delenn for the bond of friendship she's developed with Talia.
Right now, Talia is lying next to me, deeply asleep. I should be asleep, too, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to watch her, make sure she's safe from the nightmares that are sure to come. After dinner tonight, we came home and talked over a bottle of wine, nothing of consequence. I knew she was trying to deflect any sort of serious discussion, but the tension was creating a tightness around her eyes and mouth that I will always hate for marring her calm.
The wine did help to ease her tension minimally, and I found myself massaging her scalp, neck, and shoulders. It apparently worked wonders, particularly when I heard her softly sniffling the longer the massage went on. After I loosened a particularly evil knot in her shoulder, something changed. Talia turned around and branded me with a kiss that took me completely by surprise. She was driven, said she wanted to forget for just a little bit. Our lovemaking tonight was so intense; Talia was dominant and feral, marking me with lips, teeth, and nails. She didn't stop until she'd worn herself out from the exertion and multiple orgasms.
I'm honestly not sure how I'm still awake right now, but I need to be. I need to make sure that Talia's all right tonight. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow, so I can rest then, though I'm not holding my breath about having the whole day off with Talia. I still don't know how John and Delenn dealt with all of the little emergencies that cropped up on this station when he was in command. Or maybe it's changed since he took over as President. I'm not sure.
Clarification from Talia: I was shaken to my core by the news that day, but not necessarily for the reasons Susan may have thought. Yes, the thought that some incompatibility with the Control program would cause people to become homicidally violent is terrifying at best. The thought that someone would stand aside and let another human being beat themselves into a bloody pulp before a horrific and painful death cuts so deeply. Control had that sort of attitude; I felt it when She was in control of this body that we'd shared.
I know that Jason shielded me from a lot of what Control said and did, but there were times even he needed to rest and regenerate his abilities. Snippets of Her use of my life and body filtered in. Maybe filtered is the wrong word. It wasn't like I could block them myself. She had no conscience, no compassion. She gave me nightmares that I don't think will ever completely go away, not even when I die. She would interrogate someone, usually about the Underground Railroad rebellion, and there were several instances where Her interrogation was blatant torture. She would find people to assist Her that had even fewer moral convictions than She had, which terrifies me to this day. They would beat, torture, and even rape their prisoners. I would love to call those people something else but, at the heart of it all, they were Her prisoners. Or maybe Psi Corps' prisoners. I've never really been sure of that distinction, and I'm not sure that I care to get a confirmation either way. I have enough issues with Psi Corps to deal with the idea that they willingly allowed and encouraged torture of prisoners. That might just push me completely over the edge, even now.
Hearing about the death of that young woman who never even knew she was a pawn to Bester's perverted experiments was difficult to hear. That there wasn't any compassion for her by her guardians hurt even more. If it hadn't been for Jason, I'd have potentially been in the same position as she'd been forced into. I know now that his presence within me is the only thing that saved me from being completely obliterated when Lyta sent that fateful codeword to unlock Control.
And yes, I was feeling that same trapped sensation as I had when I'd attempted suicide just a few short months earlier. I felt panicky and didn't know where to turn. I didn't want to burden Susan or Delenn with something that I knew I'd need to just get over. And how stupid does that sound? You can't just get over something like what happened to me, not in a few months, maybe not even in a lifetime. Before I could do anything rash or drastic, I walked myself over to Robin's office. Thankfully, she was available to talk to me, and got me through the worst of the panic attack over the situation. The need for release definitely lessened, but I couldn't completely forget what I had been told either.
As for our lovemaking that night, I'd love to say that Susan's assessment of me being feral in my possession of her was an exaggeration, but I can't. I needed to feel something other than fear and revulsion; I needed to know that I could control something in my life that was good. And so, I took a more forceful, dominant role in our lovemaking. I can only thank God that I didn't permanently mark her that night.
Original post @ Dreamwidth with
comments. Commenting is welcome on either post.