Zeeg Meets the Lads

[ariamech]

I have decided, after going over it with phoenixalpha, that my story is not so much an actual story as it is an extended vignette; I make this distinction because not an awful lot happens in it beyond the reader getting run over by the Exposition Bus. It's a pretty entertaining Exposition Bus, though (at least in my opinion). To prevent the current work from

Comments

[wolfewriter]

A lot of sentences ending with "yeah?" like a period. This jars me out of the story a bit and makes all the characters sound too much alike. Also they all say 'Mate' a lot, which creates less individuality among the characters. If this is a species or race trait, nevermind. If not, maybe something to work on?

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“I don’t need the first stop of some unwashed would-be assassin being my boys’ chambers, now do I?”

This sounds a bit odd in execution. Maybe rework the wording?

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"He rolled over and pulled his pillow over his head, but this simple (?) inspired the mystery man to give the hammock a mighty heave."

Simple what? Gesture? Move?

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I like this story so far and overall the characters are well-written. Just the above mentioned things about individualality that bug me really, although I was starting to wonder if this, as I said, is like a race thing.

Other than that, a very good read and a great start. MORE!!

[ariamech]

The vocal tics are neither species nor racial traits, but they are cultural. Every single character has what amounts to a reasonably strong Australian accent; said accent is also mostly tonal and therefore difficult to communicate in text (and the results usually look more like one of the British dialects than anything else), so diction carries the weight.

Actual personalities for various lads in the harem will become more apparent when they're doing more than infodumping or being infodumped upon. Mawg's dialogue was shamefully fun to write, regardless, with the only concern being to make sure he didn't swear too much (as glossolalic profanity is more Mitch's domain).

I'll look at Madame Xir's comment about devious sasswots. While she's supposed to have slightly convoluted sentence structure, there might be a better way to convey this passage. No promises.

The "simple" thing was a typo of "simply," which I fixed in my master copy. Thanks for catching that one!

[wolfewriter]

Gah. Meant cultural, not racial. . .*facepalms* I kinda wondered about that, not as much as the other thing, but what the hey. I like the story dangit!

No problem with the critique! I still have yet to work on my last draft of Ye Frickin' HUGE ms. . . . Too dang busy.

I got the feeling Mawg was a fav of yours, owing to the way you worked on his dialogue. His personality stands out a bit more than the rest (Zeeg's, of course, is obvious).

Any more proofreading you need done, hit me up. I'll be somewhere. *grins*