Personal Statement Reveiw

[jhett10]

Hi, I was just wondering if I could get some feed back on my personal statement.  I am applying to the University of Minnesota for their M.Ed. in applied kinesiology with a focus in sport management degree.  They didn't give much for guidelines, just "Personal Statement describing your career goals and rationale for interest in the M.Ed. program (

Comments

[tisiphone]

Some preliminary thoughts:

- Get rid of everything about how you can't find a job. It sounds defeatist and like you're going back to grad school because you can't find anything better to do. If you must mention it, say something like "my post-graduation employment has led me away from my first interest in sport management."
- I would pick one professional or volunteer experience and expand it beyond the resume blurb. Why was it important to you? What did you really learn? Most importantly, why is it connected to your decision to go on with your education? The rest of your experience will be on your CV, which the adcom will also review; you don't need to put it all in your personal statement.
- Different volunteer opportunities and student organizations, such as the Sports Business Institute, are examples of quality experience I did not use to my advantage. Once again, a general thought: Stop telling them what you didn't do, tell them what you have done and what you plan to do

[brittdreams]

LJ CUT!!!

[i_talk_toomuch]

Please be respectful to other people's friends page.
Hide such an amount of text under lj-cut.

[jhett10]

Thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate it. I will post an updated version in a day or two in the comments section with necessary edits. Also, sorry about not using the LJcut feature at first, but I didn't know it existed until it was brought up in the comments. Live and learn I guess. Thanks again everyone.

[fullofpink]

I have been planning a sport management career since I was a junior in high school and found out Sport Management was a subject in which I could get my Bachelor’s degree. Working for a professional sports team, especially in the Twin Cities, seemed like something I would love to do and thought it would make the most of both my interests and skills. However, after completing my bachelor’s degree and gaining experience and insights into the field, I realized working for a professional sports team was probably not where I wanted to have a career. My summers working for the Grand Forks Park District in Grand Forks, North Dakota showed me that my interests were more focused on youth sport and recreation rather than the big business scenarios of major sports teams

[fullofpink]

I have chosen the University of Minnesota because of my familiarity with the campus and several instructors. I became familiar with some professors while I completed my Bachelor’s degree, however, I did not get to know them as much as I should have nor taken advantage of the opportunities they provided. Different volunteer opportunities and student organizations, such as the Sports Business Institute, are examples of quality experience I did not use to my advantage. I plan on utilizing these types of opportunities much more often during my graduate career because I have learned how important those experiences are and how much I missed out on during my undergraduate career. [Turn this entire paragraph around. 1: Don't say that the most important reason for attending this school is because you are already familiar with it. Instead, you should be pointing out the qualities the school has to offer that makes it a great potential for you - the resources are amazing, I think I would enjoy these classes that you offer, etc

[jhett10]

Here is an updated copy of my personal statement. I believe I have adjusted based on the suggestions I have gotten thus far. I still have a few instances of 'me' because I was having a hard time getting rid of all of them, but I think the ones I kept serve a purpose. Here it is

[tisiphone]

I would suggest making a second entry, people rarely come back to look again. This is very much improved though.

During my undergraduate career, I became comfortable with several professors, and also learned of how well-regarded many faculty members are in the field.

This might be something you want to consult with people in your field of study about, but this is a potentially negative statement. Often (though not always) programs will hesitate to admit students from their own undergraduate programs because of the "academic incest" problem. Basically, they don't want you to be comfortable with the program, because you won't gain as much from having your ideas challenged, and you can be regarded as something of a hothouse flower. However, since this is a professional program and not an academic degree, this might be different, which is why I say "ask someone in the field."