Personal Statement Reveiw

Jun 12, 2011 22:28

Hi, I was just wondering if I could get some feed back on my personal statement.  I am applying to the University of Minnesota for their M.Ed. in applied kinesiology with a focus in sport management degree.  They didn't give much for guidelines, just "Personal Statement describing your career goals and rationale for interest in the M.Ed. program ( ( Read more... )

help, personal statement, master's, review

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fullofpink June 13 2011, 20:21:52 UTC
I have chosen the University of Minnesota because of my familiarity with the campus and several instructors. I became familiar with some professors while I completed my Bachelor’s degree, however, I did not get to know them as much as I should have nor taken advantage of the opportunities they provided. Different volunteer opportunities and student organizations, such as the Sports Business Institute, are examples of quality experience I did not use to my advantage. I plan on utilizing these types of opportunities much more often during my graduate career because I have learned how important those experiences are and how much I missed out on during my undergraduate career. [Turn this entire paragraph around. 1: Don't say that the most important reason for attending this school is because you are already familiar with it. Instead, you should be pointing out the qualities the school has to offer that makes it a great potential for you - the resources are amazing, I think I would enjoy these classes that you offer, etc.. ]
ALSO, THIS NEEDS TO BE YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH.

After graduation from the M.Ed. program I plan to pursue a career in event management, possibly with a youth sport/recreation business such as Life Time Fitness or the National Sports Center. I believe I could be a solid contributor to companies such as these based on my past experiences and the level of education I am striving to attain (awkward). Most of my industry experience has had to do with event management and I have found that I enjoy seeing an event from the planning stage through execution, making me a strong candidate.

My past experiences, coupled with my Bachelor of Science degree in sport management make me a quality candidate for admissions to the Master’s program. I have had numerous, diverse sport and recreation experiences which have allowed me to gain a broad focus on the industry and find where my main interests lie. Admission to and completion of the M.Ed. program will significantly aid in my pursuit of a career in the sports and recreation industry where I can carry on the mission of the school - enriching the quality of human life through physical activity, recreation, and sport.
CORRECTION: THIS NEEDS TO BE YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH.

Good luck. :) Let me know if you need any advice :)

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jhett10 June 14 2011, 17:19:29 UTC
Here is an updated copy of my personal statement. I believe I have adjusted based on the suggestions I have gotten thus far. I still have a few instances of 'me' because I was having a hard time getting rid of all of them, but I think the ones I kept serve a purpose. Here it is:

My past experiences, coupled with my Bachelor of Science degree in sport management make me a quality candidate for admissions to the M.Ed. in applied kinesiology program focused in Sport Management. I have had numerous, diverse sport and recreation experiences from which I gained a broad outlook on the industry and found where my main interests lie. Admission to, and completion of, the M.Ed. program will significantly aid in my pursuit of a career in the sports and recreation industry where I can carry on the mission of the school - enriching the quality of human life through physical activity, recreation, and sport.

When I was a junior in high school and found out sport management was a subject I could get my bachelor’s degree in, I knew that was the field I wanted to be part of. Working for a professional sports team, especially in the Twin Cities, seemed like something I would love to do and thought it would make the most of my interests and skills. I have had various experiences within sports and recreation that have helped outline my future career goals. Based on my time with the Grand Forks Park District in Grand Forks, North Dakota, I found my interests to be more focused on youth sport and recreation.

For three summers following high school, I was a program leader for the Grand Forks Park District’s Just for Fun program. The program is for children ages four to ten years old and is held at numerous parks around the city. My job as a leader was to provide the kids with safe and fun activities throughout the day as well as coordinate weekly field trips for twenty to thirty kids. Working with the kids each day was rewarding because not only did I thoroughly enjoy it, but the parents let us know how much it enriched their child’s lives as well. Through this position, I developed the necessary skills and experience to gain future internships and get a start on my sports and recreation career.

I have chosen the University of Minnesota because of the respected faculty and the flexibility of the program and degree. During my undergraduate career, I became comfortable with several professors, and also learned of how well-regarded many faculty members are in the field. I am also impressed by the broad range of subjects offered by the program’s courses. From youth sports and recreation to event management to programming and promotions, the M.Ed. program is an excellent fit for me moving forward in my sport management career.

I am interested in the M.Ed. in advanced kinesiology focused on Sport Management to help restart my sports and recreation career. I hope that going back to school will help me get back into my chosen field by allowing me to gain relevant sport and recreation experience while earning an advanced degree. I have been away from sport management for almost three years and am ready to get back into the industry about which I am most interested and passionate.

After graduation from the M.Ed. program I plan to pursue a career in event management, possibly with a youth sport/recreation business such as Life Time Fitness or the National Sports Center. I believe I could be a solid contributor to companies such as these based on my past experiences and the level of education I hope to achieve. Most of my industry experience has had to do with event management and I have found that I enjoy seeing an event from the planning stage through execution, making me a strong candidate.

The M.Ed. in advanced kinesiology focused in Sport Management is the next step in advancing my sports and recreation career. Earning an advanced degree from the University of Minnesota will play a large part in getting my career back on track. I look forward to putting in the time and effort necessary to earn a master’s degree and will proudly represent the University of Minnesota and the School of Kinesiology throughout my career.

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tisiphone June 15 2011, 01:04:08 UTC
I would suggest making a second entry, people rarely come back to look again. This is very much improved though.

During my undergraduate career, I became comfortable with several professors, and also learned of how well-regarded many faculty members are in the field.

This might be something you want to consult with people in your field of study about, but this is a potentially negative statement. Often (though not always) programs will hesitate to admit students from their own undergraduate programs because of the "academic incest" problem. Basically, they don't want you to be comfortable with the program, because you won't gain as much from having your ideas challenged, and you can be regarded as something of a hothouse flower. However, since this is a professional program and not an academic degree, this might be different, which is why I say "ask someone in the field."

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