Finished (?) personal statement draft

[chocobeans]

After quite the writer's block, I've finally finished my essay. Since many of you are quite lovely at critiquing, I figured I'd bear it all and have you all take a look at my PS and give me any sage advice.

I'm applying to social work/mental health counseling programs, btw. It's a bit long, too. Sorry.

Comments

[tisiphone]

Often times, due to societal, cultural, or environmental pressures, many of us succumb to the pressure of trying to be the loudest in the room. In doing so, There is a natural desire to be heard from the moment we are infants. Naturally, we are all not born with the desire or the personality to have attention focused squarely on us. [First it's natural and then it isn't - which is it?] Young people, particularly, are always on a constant search to find themselves and their own voices while trying to make sense of the changes going on around them and being taken seriously enough to be heard. [What is the point of this paragraph? What is it for? Are you going to do research on verbal attention-seeking? If not, get rid of it

[tisiphone]

Oh, one more. Don't use "and/or". Pick one and go with it.

[chasethecat]

(Take my advice with a grain of salt: I've applied to an MSW program for next fall, but I don't know if I've been accepted yet.)

I would second everything that tisiphone said. In addition, I'd say there's a lot of "preaching to the choir" going on. You don't need to tell the AdComm that adolescence is a hard time emotionally, and that sort of thing. They're the experts. Also, is there any proof that not having an adult to talk to is what has led bullied kids to commit suicide?

I would also advise that you focus more on your strengths; it seems like there's a lot about your past problems, and other peoples' problems, but not much on why you'll make a great social worker/counsellor, and why this school, specifically, should accept you.