Finished (?) personal statement draft

[chocobeans]

After quite the writer's block, I've finally finished my essay. Since many of you are quite lovely at critiquing, I figured I'd bear it all and have you all take a look at my PS and give me any sage advice.

I'm applying to social work/mental health counseling programs, btw. It's a bit long, too. Sorry.

Comments

[tisiphone]

Often times, due to societal, cultural, or environmental pressures, many of us succumb to the pressure of trying to be the loudest in the room. In doing so, There is a natural desire to be heard from the moment we are infants. Naturally, we are all not born with the desire or the personality to have attention focused squarely on us. [First it's natural and then it isn't - which is it?] Young people, particularly, are always on a constant search to find themselves and their own voices while trying to make sense of the changes going on around them and being taken seriously enough to be heard. [What is the point of this paragraph? What is it for? Are you going to do research on verbal attention-seeking? If not, get rid of it.]

Coming from a background that finds that the younger a person is the least likely the thoughts and ideas and general well being of one’s mental health is taken into consideration has fueled my desire to want to work with children and adolescents. [WHAT??] As the first generation American daughter of former Haitian immigrants, there was always a conflict in learning how to deal with emotional and mental issues. Due to the cultural stigma surrounding mental health, an individual [Which individual? if you mean you, say you] might find it quite overwhelming in understanding and coping with the stressors that might come along with having to deal with factors ranging from genetic disposition, mental illness, and/or environmental factors:. Haitian culture often dictates that one should learn to deal with their emotions quietly, if at all. Children who might have emotional and/or mental issues are often seen as being unruly and unnecessarily difficult. The stigma that comes along with someone who might have any sort of emotional or mental stress that is not deemed normal, such as dealing with the death of a family member, makes it difficult to find any sort of support in an adult because children are not seen as having anything significant to worry about that should be attended to. Having to deal with the issues that are particular to an individual and their background is usually further heightened when there is the process of having to sort out all of the emotions that come from being a pre-adolescent child and adolescent. [What does this mean] Without a proper outlet for a person to allow their emotions to be heard or expressed, there is often a chance for the child to rebel and become involved in self-destructive behavior.

I'm not going to do the whole thing, because it's more of the same. You have a bunch of fundamental problems with your sentence structure and style. I'd suggest reworking this completely. Think about simple questions: Who am I, what do I want the admissions committee to know about me, and what do I want to do in future? Those are the questions you should be focusing on. After that, you desperately need to simplify, simplify, simplify. There are a number of Strunk and White's rules you could refer to. Some of these include:
- "Omit needless words."
- "Do not break sentences in two."
- "Keep related words together."
- "make the paragraph the unit of composition, one paragraph to each topic."

Some of my own rules would include:
- Don't be afraid to refer to yourself, rather than "an individual". This essay is about you, primarily.
- Avoid repetition like the plague. I mean, it's a seriously deadly disease.
- Never use a $5 word when a $2 word will do.

When you think you're done, I would suggest imagining you are reading your statement to a child (or actually read your statement to a child, if you happen to have one handy.) Do they know what you're saying? If not, simplify further.