You need some editing by a native English speaker. If you'd like,you can e-mail me at jadedauteur@gmail.com with this and I'll give it a once-over. I would definitely say that your last paragraph is cliched and unnecessary. I know it's tempting to end with something pithy (I had the same problem), but you want to be sure to cut extraneous information. I do like the way you tied the running to your research in the second paragraph. It's getting better :)
Your first and last paragraphs are still fluff. Get rid of them. Get rid of the 4th paragraph, grade fluctuations happen and it didn't affect your overall performance. ETA: I'd also suggest cutting this because grading scales are different - in the US, 60% would be a failed grade instead of just kind of mediocre, and 80% would be mediocre. That will be rectified with your transcript, but you don't want to point it out without that context. Keep the last sentence though, but put it with the rest of the discussion about SprintTech
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Hi! thanks for the help. Now I will try to make it concise, and if it gives some space, I will add some details on the 3rd and 4th paragraphs and keep the word count around 700.
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I would definitely say that your last paragraph is cliched and unnecessary. I know it's tempting to end with something pithy (I had the same problem), but you want to be sure to cut extraneous information.
I do like the way you tied the running to your research in the second paragraph. It's getting better :)
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thanks for the help.
Now I will try to make it concise, and if it gives some space, I will add some details on the 3rd and 4th paragraphs and keep the word count around 700.
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I'd remove some of your pathos. I mean - grad school is an important part of life and all, but it shouldn't be THE Meaning of your Existence.
Also, capitalize a lot less...
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