Your first and last paragraphs are still fluff. Get rid of them. Get rid of the 4th paragraph, grade fluctuations happen and it didn't affect your overall performance. ETA: I'd also suggest cutting this because grading scales are different - in the US, 60% would be a failed grade instead of just kind of mediocre, and 80% would be mediocre. That will be rectified with your transcript, but you don't want to point it out without that context. Keep the last sentence though, but put it with the rest of the discussion about SprintTech.
For the rest, I would suggest writing this in your native language and then translating, instead of trying to start from English, if you're not doing that. Also seconding the suggestion for a native speaker to proofread it.
Your statement is pretty repetitive and not very concise. It's also way too long - at over 1,000 words, it's going to be four pages printed out double-spaced, and everything important would be in the middle. You need to fix that, it's not going to be compelling to readers and a busy adcom might not even get to the meat, given all the feathers up front.
Make a brief outline of what you want to talk about and arrange it, instead of just writing. Pretend you're explaining yourself to your little sister, when you write it, and build out from there.
My suggestion for an outline would be:
- Talk about SprintTech as a learning experience and how it did - Talk about your self-study of AI topics (briefly) - Talk about what you want to do in future. - Talk about how the university will help you get there. Specifically, focus on the professors' work and laboratories, _not_ the coursework. Your coursework's going to be the same no matter where you go.
Hi! thanks for the help. Now I will try to make it concise, and if it gives some space, I will add some details on the 3rd and 4th paragraphs and keep the word count around 700.
For the rest, I would suggest writing this in your native language and then translating, instead of trying to start from English, if you're not doing that. Also seconding the suggestion for a native speaker to proofread it.
Your statement is pretty repetitive and not very concise. It's also way too long - at over 1,000 words, it's going to be four pages printed out double-spaced, and everything important would be in the middle. You need to fix that, it's not going to be compelling to readers and a busy adcom might not even get to the meat, given all the feathers up front.
Make a brief outline of what you want to talk about and arrange it, instead of just writing. Pretend you're explaining yourself to your little sister, when you write it, and build out from there.
My suggestion for an outline would be:
- Talk about SprintTech as a learning experience and how it did
- Talk about your self-study of AI topics (briefly)
- Talk about what you want to do in future.
- Talk about how the university will help you get there. Specifically, focus on the professors' work and laboratories, _not_ the coursework. Your coursework's going to be the same no matter where you go.
Reply
thanks for the help.
Now I will try to make it concise, and if it gives some space, I will add some details on the 3rd and 4th paragraphs and keep the word count around 700.
Reply
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