SOP help request ( applying to Computer Science MS)

[focus_neo]

 Hi everyone,

I have written a draft SOP.  I am really bad at essay writing. I need help to make my application not to be rejected due to my SOP, I have good grades and GRE ( 1420).

Please give some advice to me to make my SOP acceptable. I will spend whole next week in making my SOP strong and persuasive.

Comments

[tisiphone]

I would suggest removing the university name from the post, just in case. I don't have time to do a full critique of this, but here are my first thoughts:

- I'd eliminate the first paragraph entirely, it is cliched and only tangentially relevant.
- I'd suggest having a native English speaker proofread this. There are a lot of grammar and usage errors.
- You don't explicitly state what you want to research at the university you're applying to. I'd suggest developing that more fully.

Thank You Very much

[focus_neo]

I am in confusion about stating my athletics career in SOP. When I asked some of my seniors, they told me that stating of athletics will make me unique and makes the SOP more personal and exposes my personal qualities.

should I rewrite the first passage with entirely new matter?

("- You don't explicitly state what you want to research at the university you're applying to. I'd suggest developing that more fully.")
Thanks for pointing out this. I missed this, I will develop that part.

Thank you.

Re: Thank You Very much

[tisiphone]

Even though it's sometimes called a personal statement, for applying to American universities it's really supposed to be more about what you plan to do while you're there and afterward. Think of it more like applying for a job than applying for undergraduate education.

[indicolite]

I agree with Tisiphone. I think that actually both the first and the second paragraph can be cut. You have a word limit, and if you put too much information, the adcom will just skim over it, not knowing what to focus on. I found my eyes glazing over at very long paragraphs, and they will look even longer on a 8x11 sheet of paper than they do on the web

[focus_neo]

Thank you very much for giving details to improve my essay,

I am a 100 meters sprinter.

With your feedback I guess I can get two things, conciseness and focus on the topic.

[indicolite]

Exactly. And yes, the sports achievements can be mentioned VERY briefly (they imply that you can stick with an intensive training regimen, which is useful for the endurance of grad school) but don't give them any more than a clause.

What the adcom wants to know is what kind of research you are going to do for them; as I said on another SOP draft some days ago (inspired by Erdos), a grad student is a machine for turning coffee into original research; your goal in the SOP is to prove to them they will get good value for their coffee :).

[indicolite]

By the way, I am not sure why my previous comment got screened, but I believe screening or deleting others' comments is against the community guidelines. Please unscreen it.

Hi!

[focus_neo]

It automatically got screened, even this reply also, I unscreened them.
I am sorry,Is there anything I have to do about it, like change settings..

Re: Hi!

[indicolite]

When you made the post, at the bottom of the posting window next to 'Mood', 'Location' and 'Music', there is 'Allow comments' and 'Comment screening'. Open up the post for editing, set the 'Comment screening' to 'Disabled' and re-save.

Re: Hi!

[focus_neo]

Thanks.
yes I did mistakenly selected "All Comments" when I made the post thinking it will enable all comments. I am new to LJ.