It's very good, I wish my first draft was that together!
The tone of the first paragraph is quite different than the rest of the essay, and it doesn't flow into what follows. I would ditch it (or rework it as your "fit" paragraph), and I would probably split your "At the intersection..." paragraph into two.
My only major concern is that the second and third paragraphs remind me a LOT of that example SoP on Berkeley's website. I'd be wary of using it as any sort of template.
Your background is very impressive!! I would suggest writing it in the active voice instead of the passive. Also, your first sentence is four lines long! Further down, I would say that you explored issues through your thesis, not that your thesis explored the issues. What are the word counts of schools you are applying to? Some of the sentences are awkward, like this: Rather than debate their respective merits, I would like to situate quantitative work as an object of inquiry for my own research. On a different note, are you citing your works at the bottom? I have been thinking of doing that and trying to figure out the best way to do it. Good luck!!
@bicks I completely agree with you and I'm still working on the intro paragraph. I am thinking of including one sentence about fit into the intro and then going into more detail in the last paragraph. As for the Berkeley example, thanks for calling my attention to it. I read it and it must have subconsciously infiltrated my essay :)
@captiv8ed My sentence lengths and structures need a lot of editing, I tend to write very densely. Will definitely work on that! I am going to cite sources at the bottom, I'm not sure if that's standard practice, but that's the way I've seen it done.
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The tone of the first paragraph is quite different than the rest of the essay, and it doesn't flow into what follows. I would ditch it (or rework it as your "fit" paragraph), and I would probably split your "At the intersection..." paragraph into two.
My only major concern is that the second and third paragraphs remind me a LOT of that example SoP on Berkeley's website. I'd be wary of using it as any sort of template.
Reply
I would suggest writing it in the active voice instead of the passive. Also, your first sentence is four lines long! Further down, I would say that you explored issues through your thesis, not that your thesis explored the issues. What are the word counts of schools you are applying to?
Some of the sentences are awkward, like this:
Rather than debate their respective merits, I would like to situate quantitative work as an object of inquiry for my own research.
On a different note, are you citing your works at the bottom? I have been thinking of doing that and trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Good luck!!
Reply
@bicks I completely agree with you and I'm still working on the intro paragraph. I am thinking of including one sentence about fit into the intro and then going into more detail in the last paragraph. As for the Berkeley example, thanks for calling my attention to it. I read it and it must have subconsciously infiltrated my essay :)
@captiv8ed My sentence lengths and structures need a lot of editing, I tend to write very densely. Will definitely work on that! I am going to cite sources at the bottom, I'm not sure if that's standard practice, but that's the way I've seen it done.
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