Personal Statement

[maggs_07]

I've posted this here before when I was applying to a grad program, and this is the new revised version that I wondered how it looked before sending it out to more schools

Personal Statement

I grew up the oldest in my family and was the one everyone from my mother to my youngest sister turned to for advice and assistance. I knew growing up I

Comments

[tisiphone]

Why did your experience at University of xx make you interested in attending the university?" Beautiful and thriving atmosphere" goes in the undergrad prospectus, it's not a reason to go to a university. Most universities have beautiful and thriving atmospheres. What's special about it? What's unique about it? More importantly, what are you bringing to the table that's going to make them want to admit you?

[blueskysrain]

First and last paragraph are vague and the second paragraph can be condensed so that you have more space for other sentences:

In 2005 I enrolled in University of xxx. (They have a transcript. Drop this sentence)

"My freshman year (at Uni of xxx) I joined [more active] the Sexual Assault Behavior Education Response (SABER), an organization dedicated to educating the Martin campus..."

You need to go back and make it pop now, not just look for errors.