We used to wait. (Chapter 8/?)
title: We used to wait. (Chapter 8/?)
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 5,548
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
For Sam, being forced into double-CAPs was a welcomed distraction. Even with the re-enlistment of most of the personnel that had mustered out throughout the year of peace on New Caprica, the number of pilots available was still considerably lacking. In large part, it was due to Starbuck and Colonel Tigh insisting those out of service for an extended period of time go through the process of training and instruction all over again. Though Sam’s experience in the cockpit was minimal at best, he was still one of the few with any recent time clocked, and that had secured him the position of serving two shifts each day. A couple of the other pilots had joked about how being the CAG’s husband didn’t seem to pull any benefits for him and Sam had laughed and smiled, attributing it to Starbuck’s usual demeanor.
Truth be told, he was happy for it, but he knew that when she scheduled them for opposing shifts, she did it on purpose. Kara’s determination to keep them separated as much as possible hit him hard, perhaps even more so than her refusal to put in the request for a married billet, citing that there wasn’t enough space for them anyway. As such, Kara currently spent her hours sleeping in the senior pilots’ bunkroom, while Sam spent his with the rest of the men and women that had made up his class of nuggets throughout the cylon occupation. On some level, it definitely hurt, but his head was far too clouded to even begin fully processing what his wife’s distance meant.
Whether it was out on CAP facing the black of space or lying in his bunk facing the black of closed eyelids, all Sam saw was that red cylon eye staring back at him. He’d tried to find out what information he could since things had settled down. Sam had even asked Kara what she knew about it, hoping her rank brought her some kind of clearance on the matter. She hadn’t known a thing, but had gotten solemn and quiet when she said that whatever had happened, it saved her life and tens, if not hundreds of others aboard Pegasus when the retreat bought them enough time to slip out and escape. After that, Sam didn’t ask Kara about it anymore.
He landed his ship on the flight deck after receiving clearance, coming in a little rough. His training had been more than rushed, and now with all the re-ups occupying Kara’s time, Sam’s time to ask for extra help had long since passed. He cringed when his ship came to its final stop, knowing there’d be hell to pay from the newly reinstated Chief. Galen and he had become fast friends down on New Caprica, but all friendships were thrown out the window when you put a scratch or a ding in the Chief’s deck.
His ship was lowered down and towed in, and Sam popped the hatch as the crew member pushed the rolling stairway to the side of his ship. His helmet was handed over along with the metal collar that locked it into place before he climbed down and finally had his feet on solid ground. Well, as solid as he was about to ever get again in the near future. Anders made move to leave the hangar and his ship behind when Galen’s voice rang out.
“Forgetting something, Sam?” The Chief held up a piece of paper as he stood by the nose of Sam’s Viper.
“Frak Chief, I don’t know where my head is these days,” Anders said, jogging back towards Galen and a sheepish looking Seelix.
“I don’t know how they ran my deck when I wasn’t here, but no one leaves without filling out their post-flight. Nobody.” He pressed the paper into Sam’s waiting hands and turned to Seelix. “If you’re the one receiving that bird, then you’re supposed to make sure he gets that piece of paper,” Galen said, his tone irritated as he wandered off. “Oh, and if you leave another dent on my deck, I’ll have you personally out there pounding it out, Longshot.”
“Sorry, Seelix.” Sam took the proffered pen from her, going through the motions of filling out the necessary portions.
She smiled at him, though it was short lived. “It was my fault. I’m still not used to being back in the swing of things… besides, I think the Chief’s just in a bad mood.”
Sam returned the smile, handing the form back over to her in exchange for his helmet. “Pretty sure that’s what he sounds like on a good day.”
They bid their goodbyes and Sam headed to his rack to free himself of his flight suit before making his way down to the mess hall. As disgusting as he felt, he knew the head tended to be full at that hour of the day between the change of shifts. The mess hall was fairly vacant, however, and once Sam had his tray with his lunchtime rations, he found a seat at a nearby table occupied by a solitary Felix Gaeta.
Sam and Gaeta both reacted with a slight nod of their heads, the former sipping at the cup of water on his tray.
“Not that the food’s any good, but I’d swear these portions are getting smaller,” Anders spoke as he set the cup back down, digging his fork through the bowl of noodles with a few unidentifiable items mixed in.
“That’s because they are,” said Gaeta, his head still tilted downward as he focused on the meal in front of him. “We just got word this morning that there was a contaminated batch of food mixed in with what we had stored. We’re working off the emergency supplies now until we can find a planet with something we can eat.”
Sam leaned back in his chair, abandoning his fork in his bowl. “Frak me.” He stayed like that for a moment before sitting back up, his hand finding the fork he’d previously released. The hunger had gone out of him at the very news that the entire fleet would soon begin to slowly starve unless they stumbled upon a food source. He thought back to all the times he’d ordered take out because he had been too lazy to leave his apartment to get anything himself. Filling everyone’s stomachs wasn’t as simple as a quick trip to the corner store anymore.
Despite the lack of hunger he felt, especially with how the mess hall food tasted, Sam returned to the meal provided. Every bite suddenly had to count. The silence stretched between them now, and Anders couldn’t help but notice the weight visibly seated on Gaeta’s shoulders. Though his rank wouldn’t suggest it, he held one of the more important positions in the fleet that brought him close to the upper echelon of the remaining Colonial Fleet members. Not only that, but Felix had been close to Baltar before and during his Presidency.
“Kara told me you two were working on recreating some of Baltar’s work,” Sam prompted, eyes barely lifted from his bowl as he watched Gaeta.
He nodded weakly, a lack of sleep written heavily into the discoloration beneath his eyes. “Yeah, uh, Baltar was cross referencing some star charts with Pythia. He seemed to think the lion with the mighty blinking eye was actually a reference to a system of red and blue eclipsing binary pulsars.” Gaeta eased into the back of his chair as he spoke. The look of confusion on Sam’s face told him he didn’t understand. “It means that their orbits cross paths and temporarily block one another out. In short, to us, it looks like they’re blinking… just like the scroll said.”
Across the table, Sam nodded as he pushed his finished tray away from him, though he made no move to leave. “That’s where we were yesterday, right? If it was our next sign, why did we jump out this morning?”
“Aside from the fact that we’re now starving, we’re working on the assumption that the cylons didn’t kill Baltar when they left New Caprica, or at the very least, they took what he was working on at the time. Which means…” Gaeta trailed off, not bothering to finish his statement. They’d spent the time since New Caprica in relative peace, at least when it came to being pursued by humanity’s hostile children.
“…They’re probably not far behind us,” Sam finished for him, eyes going distant and glossy as he thought about the implications.
“They’re keeping it quiet, but we actually found a beacon floating out there. Still doing testing on it, but out this far? It’s got to be left by the 13th Tribe on their way to Earth.”
Anders wasn’t a religious man, but Gods, that was good news. It was a gift from the Gods and nothing else, as far as he was concerned.
“Hey man,” Sam coughed, a nervous tell of his. He leaned in, settled his arms and elbows against the table as his voice decreased in volume just barely. “I wasn’t here for it, but I heard that Baltar created some kind of cylon detector way back. Since you worked with him, I was wondering whatever happened to it? Is anyone still screening people with it?”
Felix sighed and shrugged his shoulders, unaware to Sam’s true intentions in asking. “We abandoned that a long time ago. I think all the equipment is still in the lab, but it never worked properly anyway. Boomer, I don’t know if you heard about her, but that was the Sharon that was originally on Galactica. She was tested and it came out negative. Then she shot the Admiral twice in the chest.” His expression was grim as he replayed the memories from those days and weeks over in his head. “We haven’t used it in a long time.”
Sam nodded along with his words, feigning partial disinterest. “You guys only saw seven models during the occupation though. Doesn’t anyone wonder who the rest are?”
Felix considered that for a long time. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Cylon or human, we’re all going to starve if we don’t find food in a few days.” He nodded his head to the Viper pilot as he stood to pick up his tray and left the mess hall.
Alone, Anders remained seated as he considered everything Gaeta had given away during their brief lunch. The news of the food contamination was beyond alarming, but it was pushed from his mind to consider the rest. Why had he even asked about the cylon detector? Did he really believe himself to be machine instead of human? He could remember his life, remember being a child, remember growing up and playing pyramid for the very first time. Cylons didn’t grow up, did they? No, they were dumped into pre-made bodies and behaved like good little toasters.
If he was one, why would they have let him lead the Caprica Resistance and destroy their own kind? Wouldn’t it have been easier to turn him on and let him have realization of who he was? They could have flipped his switch and sent him to kill the rest of the people working with him as they slept. Problem solved. Someone like the first Sharon, he could understand. She was in the military and could feed the cylons information along the way. What kind of information could he have had as a pyramid player? Everything he knew about the other cylons placed in the fleet was that they had a strategic purpose of some kind. What kind of sleeper was he even supposed to be?
Sam nearly laughed out loud at himself in the quiet mess hall. Gods, he was losing his mind. He was actually entertaining the idea that he could be a cylon, all because he got a funny feeling when a Raider looked at him. So what if that had been the moment that all the rest pulled out and abandoned the fight. It was a coincidence. It had to be. Besides, what did it mean if he was one? What was he supposed to come out and say? Was he supposed to go to Kara one night and tell her he thought he was a cylon for no reason and had no way to prove or disprove it? She would have either laughed at him or put a gun between his eyes. There would be no coming back from saying something like that.
His hands rested on the table top and he stared at the skin of them for reassurance. He was Samuel T. Anders. He had been a pyramid star. He had friends and he had Kara, however rocky they were at any given moment. He was a Viper pilot for the Colonial Fleet. He was a man and nothing but a man.
-
Lee washed his hands at the empty row of sinks in the communal head. Once dry, he took the moment to tug at the sleeves of his neatly pressed uniform blues, pulling out any of the temporary wrinkles. Nearby, the hatch door swung open and Lee’s view raised to see who it was. Dee stepped in, towel folded over her arm with her small basket of toiletries at hand. She nearly didn’t notice him, so intent on making her way to one of the showers, and Lee ducked his head back down beneath the mirror as if he was washing his hands once again in an excuse to avoid her.
Just as she was about to round the corner into the shower stall, her eyes shifted over to the other occupant in the otherwise deserted head. Her face lifted at the very sight of him and her direction was diverted, approaching the counter as she leaned her hip against it.
“Hello, soldier.” Her voice nearly sang out as she looked to him, not even a foot away. Dee’s free arm stretched out, further primping him and the collar of his uniform. “I forgot how good you looked with this on.”
Lee’s body stiffened at her touch, though he tried not to let it show. A quiet, forced laugh was released and he leaned against the counter top just as she had, making an excuse to back off from her just a little bit more. “It certainly is easier choosing what to wear in the morning.”
“Your father’s been so happy since you chose to come back, Lee.”
It hadn’t been a secret that Adama had been anything but happy to have his son return to military life. Unlike all the other times Lee had been pushed into anything revolving around the military, whether it was being shipped off to boot camp, choosing Vipers as his focus, or even going to War college, he had actually felt the decision was entirely his. Though he knew his father wanted him to return, Lee’s own eagerness had been what ultimately drove him back to it. That, and the thought of flying again with Kara. Either way, the decision had been his alone.
“I haven’t seen you around much lately,” she seemed regretful about it, and a pang of guilt hit him in his stomach.
“Well, I’ve been back on double-shift CAPs since I finished my refresher course so the CAG would finally let me back into rotation. That and I’ve been helping the Chief on some Viper repairs in my free time.” His words almost tumbled out too quickly, the excuses pouring out of his mouth.
Dee nodded as her forehead creased. She glanced down to the towel on her arm then back up to him, noting the distance he kept between them even in relative privacy.
“You know, if you ever need someone to talk to about things that happened on New Caprica, Lee, I’m here for you.”
He appreciated the gesture and had to look away from her as he chewed over her words. “Dee, I’m fine, really. I came out okay in the end. A lot of people had it worse than me.”
“I just look at you sometimes, Lee… I know how you are. After the blackbird and what happened on Cloud 9-”
Lee was quick to cut her off, though did his best not to sound anything but amicable. “It was different then. It was a long time ago and I’m okay now.” He knew the words were just that, words. They were hollow and empty, but he didn’t want to discuss what had happened on that planet with her. In fact, he hadn’t talked about it at all except that night with Kara.
Dee could tell when she was being dismissed. “Right. I’m sure Kara Thrace would be willing to lend an ear for you this time around.”
The last three words were not missed by Lee and that guilt inside of him spread out, consuming not only his stomach but tightening around his chest. She was right, Kara hadn’t been there before. In another time it would have made him further doubt Kara’s feelings towards him, even just as friends. But after the night they’d shared in her office awhile back, facing down just how different Kara now was, he couldn’t help but think that this time she would be willing to lend an ear. Not only would she, but Lee knew she already had.
“I’m not going to argue with you about this, especially not about Starbuck,” he said, eyes rising to her own.
She knew that look, though. It was the same look he’d given to her when she’d returned to the planet the day after Founders’ day.
Stuck with an overnight CIC shift, Dee had returned to Galactica just as the party had begun on the surface. With everyone celebrating away the evening, there still had to be enough personnel on board both of the battlestars to maintain the most basic functions. Dee knew Helo had remained up on Pegasus, taking control over the con for Kara while the Commander’s presence was required down below. Baltar had insisted all the more well known faces of the Colonial Fleet attend the celebration and Adama had relented on the matter. With Gaeta having mustered out to assist the President, and both Tigh and Adama spending the night celebrating, Dee had been given a sort of temporary command of Galactica. Without question, she had accepted the position and responsibility. It would be an honor for her.
Once late morning came, however, she was relieved of her duties as Tigh returned, still smelling strongly of alcohol. Though she questioned his state, Dee had overlooked it in order to make the Raptor in time for its departure back to New Caprica. The flight was empty of other passengers save for her and the pilot lesser known as Brendan Costanza than as his callsign, Hot Dog.
“Hot Dog, did you hear the news?” Racetrack called back to them from the front of the ship once they were a safe distance away from the fleet, heading towards the planet growing larger and larger through the window.
“What news? I miss all the frakking excitement. Every time.” He muttered to himself, cursing under his breath.
Though Dee knew the conversation wasn’t meant for her, she couldn’t help but listen to the two chatter back and forth.
“You’ll never believe it. I could tell you I’d pay you a million cubits if you guessed right and give you a thousand chances and you would still never get it,” the pilot tried to hold back laughter from the front seat, her head shaking as she did so. Dee thought about how unusual it was to actually see these pilots talking in their element for once, instead of just being a voice on the other line of her comm.
“Just spit it out, we’ll be on New Cap soon.”
Racetrack’s laughter couldn’t be contained and soon it was full bodied, so much so that Dee inwardly became concerned about her ability to fly the Raptor down through the atmosphere with that kind of distraction.
“Starbuck got married.”
“No way. No. You’re frakking joking, Racetrack. If you wanted me to believe you, you should’ve gone with something more believable. There’s no way that God got married,” Brendan was in a near state of shock and disbelief as he referred to his former instructor by her self-proclaimed nickname.
“I’m not! I swear to the Gods, Hot Dog! Apparently the Commander woke up this morning and dragged Anders to some priestess and got married right then and there. I couldn’t even make this up if I wanted to.”
“Holy frak,” was Hot Dog’s only reply as he went silent, trying to grasp his mind around it.
From her jump seat, Dee considered the facts as well. So Kara Thrace had gotten married. She wouldn’t lie to herself, when Racetrack had made the admission about it, her heart had pounded with her first assumption that Starbuck had somehow convinced Lee to marry her. Unlike most of the crew that was fairly unaware to the nature of Starbuck and Apollo’s relationship, Dee had seen some of it first hand, especially in the ways her boyfriend reacted to any manner of things concerning Kara Thrace. There was something there, without question. Before Kara had returned to Caprica for Anders, Dee had even been certain that the two Viper pilots had something going on on the side. After Starbuck returned with the pyramid player on her arm, though, she knew that if there had been something between her boyfriend and the new Commander, it was over.
Her thoughts overwhelmed her and the rest of the flight breezed by, with the Raptor landing gently on the ground. Dee was off first with a polite thanks to the pilot that had guided her there safely, before she went off in search of the man that had been her reason for visiting New Caprica altogether. Though Lee had decided to leave the service to act as something of a government official, or a government-military liaison, he had made it clear to her that him abandoning the battlestar didn’t mean he was abandoning her.
Duala headed through the center of the makeshift town, looking first for him there as she cut through it on the way to the tent Lee was currently calling home. On her way through, she caught sight of Adama and he eagerly waved in her direction, calling her name. Though she loved the Admiral, she didn’t want to stop on her journey to get to her significant other’s tent. She considered continuing on her way, but thought better of it, and redirected herself to greet Adama.
“Dee, you missed this morning’s celebration,” Adama said, in a cheerier tone than she’d ever heard from him.
“What was that, sir?” Dee was all proper form before she turned to see the other people sitting beside the Admiral at the temporary table and chairs set up for last night’s event. Kara and Sam both looked up from their conversation, Sam with the wide and bright smile across his face. Kara’s smile faltered as she realized who the latest addition to their trio was, and Dee saw her try again to pull her smile back on, but found it increasingly difficult.
“Kara and Sam got married.” The Admiral’s face was beyond proud as his arm curled around his daughter’s shoulders, squeezing her close for only an instant. Though she knew Adama had a soft side, especially when it came to Kara, his behavior seemed a little too open, even for the calm nature of the morning. Dee began to wonder just how good of a time the Admiral had the night before. “Now Anders,” Adama’s attention was redirected away from Dee to turn towards Kara and Sam, Sam sitting on the other side of Kara. “She’s my Commander before she’s your wife, and I don’t think there’s ever been a pregnant Commander in the history of Colonial Fleet, so you better watch yourself.” His tone was good natured and nearby, Sam gave a nervous laugh.
“No, no, no,” Anders spoke despite the uncomfortable laughter. “Believe me, sir, Kara would cut my head off for even entertaining that thought.” His arm slid around Kara’s shoulders as the Admiral’s had done before and he leaned in to kiss the side of his new wife’s head. Dee was forced to notice how Kara kept quiet on all talk of her marriage, her face not only avoiding Dee’s, but looking as if it was lost. Kara Thrace was far away from wherever the rest of them were.
“Congratulations, Commander, Anders.” Dualla nodded her head politely towards them, desperate for a reason to step away. “Admiral, if you’ll excuse me, I was just on my way to see Lee.” Her voice was low, as if trying to keep her words between her and Adama. It didn’t work, because the very mention of the name brought Kara’s eyes up to hers. They shared the briefest of moments of eye contact, and though Dee had never been a particular fan of Starbuck and all the messes she created for herself, not to mention dragged others into, Dee couldn’t help but feel some kind of sadness for her. Starbuck, with her normally vivacious and forward attitude, was at that moment, only a fraction of herself.
“Where did Lee go to anyway?” Sam said from beside Kara, looking curiously around. The mention of the name again hit Kara across the face, her eyes shutting for an extended blink as she reached for the cup of alcohol before her, taking a sip in a welcomed distraction.
Adama’s shoulders shrugged and he popped a nut into his mouth from the nearly empty bowl on the table. “Haven’t seen him since earlier.”
Dee slipped away from them, suddenly even more eager to find Lee. Something had transpired, something more than just Kara deciding to suddenly marry the pyramid player. Her boots carried her quickly through the rows of tents, her pace slower than normal as her feet sunk into the sand. If he wasn’t in his tent, she wouldn’t know where to look for him next, and Dee said a prayer to the Gods for this sample favor.
“Lee?” She panted slightly and willed herself to find some control as she pulled back the flap of his tent. The interior was much dimmer, but she could easily make out Lee’s form hunched over the makeshift desk created from stacked boxes and a piece of scrapped metal serving as the table top. She continued inside, nearing him slowly. Dee took a seat beside him on the wide bench that served as the only seat he had other than the cot along the other side of the tent.
He was working on some papers, concentration focused, and Dee looked at them, reading over what words she easily could. It was something about land surveys for growing crops and plans for irrigation systems. Her hand reached his scalp, stroking over his short hair, still military regulation length.
It was only then that he recognized her presence, his head turning to take her in. His eyes found hers, blue eyes steady and strong but still giving so much away to her. He was in pain and trying to hide it and it caught her off guard. She’d seen a lot of his looks over the last few weeks and months. She’d seen the look of physical pain in his eyes as he rehabbed his shoulder from the gunshot wound. She’d seen how hurt he’d been after Kara had returned from Caprica with the man of her dreams. She’d even seen the way he looked when his father had chosen Kara to Command Pegasus. It had been relief and disappointment all at once. But this look, this was something new.
“I heard,” was all Dee said, knowing he would understand.
Lee didn’t even nod his head in acknowledgement, just removed his hands from the desk, abandoning his pen there. One arm curled around her back, pulling her in closer, the other hand going to her cheek. He stroked over her dark skin and though he was looking at her, Dee could tell that Lee was looking through her, seeing someone else. She was under no illusions about who he wished he was seeing. He closed the space between, lips pressed to hers. It was soft but barely intimate, any kind of eager anticipation she’d felt from him on previous experiences completely gone. She didn’t turn him away, though, instead stroked her fingers over where his neck met his jaw.
When they broke apart, Lee avoided her eyes but she tilted his chin up to her, forcing him to see her.
“I know what this is, what it’s always been. I love you, Lee.” Her head shook to keep him quiet and she swallowed before speaking again. “I’ll stay as long as you’ll let me. I’ll stay until she comes back for you.” They didn’t say anything else the rest of the afternoon, instead Lee kissed her again and took her back to his cot. Though it wasn’t their usual routine, Dee straddled his lap and rode him while he sat up, his arms around her. When he came, he buried his face into her neck and thought about the night before.
They’d never talked about that afternoon again, and Dee tried not to think about it. Not until now at least, faced with those same eyes he had given her over a year before. She knew now what it meant.
Dee looked away from him, fighting the pull of tears to her own eyes. When she had made that promise to him in his tent, she hadn’t considered how painful it would be to go through with it all in the end. But she would be strong about it. She was Sagitarron. She would be strong.
Her hand groped for his own, squeezing it once she found purchase on it. Dee leaned in and kissed his cheek, nodding as she pulled back from him. “I didn’t really think this would come, but I guess deep down I knew it would.”
Lee looked bewildered, his mind pulling him back to the same moment she had just revisited. He tried to struggle for the words to say to her, but came up short. Nothing would fix it. Nothing would ease the pain Ana felt and nothing would cure the guilt he felt in his chest. What ashamed him most was the sense of relief as Dee finally stepped away from him, returning to the shower stall she had originally sought out.
He stood there for only a moment until he heard the water turn on. When he stepped through the hatch to leave, he knew he heard the drowned out sound of her crying.
-
“Apollo, Starbuck. Do you think you remember more than the basic maneuvers from the year you spent on vacation?”
“I don’t know, Starbuck, I heard you got pretty soft during your tenure as Commander,” Lee replied from his own Viper, flying at the CAG’s wing.
“You can tell Kat to go frak herself, Apollo.”
He heard her laughter carried through the open comm between their two ships. It brought his own smile to his face.
“So what do you say, a couple Aerilon rolls to start?” Lee watched her from the seeled canopy of his own ship.
“I swear to the Gods if you hit my bird, Apollo, you won’t be coming home with me today.”
“With you, huh?” Lee’s own cheeks burned simultaneously to Kara’s as he acknowledged her slip of the tongue. “You didn’t even ask if I wanted to go home with you. Do you do this to everyone you take out on CAP? Now I know where you get your reputation.”
Her face ached from the tight smile Lee’s presence forced onto her features. She was immediately thankful this conversation wasn’t being held over the channel opened to the CIC. With a flick of her finger, she switched to the main channel. “Galactica and Athena, this is Starbuck, be advised Apollo and I will be performing some practice maneuvers out here.”
“Wilco, Starbuck,” Hoshi answered back across the line and Kara set her comm back to the previous channel as she watched Sharon’s Raptor slow down, backing off to give the two Viper’s enough clearance.
For a moment, Sharon switched her comm to the private channel she knew was in use by Apollo and Starbuck. “Don’t you kids forget to be safe.”
Kara snorted at the double entendre she knew the cylon chose to use on purpose. It was only the day before when Athena had remarked to Starbuck after CAP that her hours out there with Apollo looked a whole lot more like frakking than flying. “Roger that, Athena. Wouldn’t want any surprises,” Kara delivered and she wondered exactly what Lee was thinking based on the interaction. Sharon cleared out of the private channel and Kara felt a general sense of warmth permeate through her body, a warmth that just wasn’t due to the airtight seal of her flight suit.
“On my mark, Lee.”
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 5,548
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
For Sam, being forced into double-CAPs was a welcomed distraction. Even with the re-enlistment of most of the personnel that had mustered out throughout the year of peace on New Caprica, the number of pilots available was still considerably lacking. In large part, it was due to Starbuck and Colonel Tigh insisting those out of service for an extended period of time go through the process of training and instruction all over again. Though Sam’s experience in the cockpit was minimal at best, he was still one of the few with any recent time clocked, and that had secured him the position of serving two shifts each day. A couple of the other pilots had joked about how being the CAG’s husband didn’t seem to pull any benefits for him and Sam had laughed and smiled, attributing it to Starbuck’s usual demeanor.
Truth be told, he was happy for it, but he knew that when she scheduled them for opposing shifts, she did it on purpose. Kara’s determination to keep them separated as much as possible hit him hard, perhaps even more so than her refusal to put in the request for a married billet, citing that there wasn’t enough space for them anyway. As such, Kara currently spent her hours sleeping in the senior pilots’ bunkroom, while Sam spent his with the rest of the men and women that had made up his class of nuggets throughout the cylon occupation. On some level, it definitely hurt, but his head was far too clouded to even begin fully processing what his wife’s distance meant.
Whether it was out on CAP facing the black of space or lying in his bunk facing the black of closed eyelids, all Sam saw was that red cylon eye staring back at him. He’d tried to find out what information he could since things had settled down. Sam had even asked Kara what she knew about it, hoping her rank brought her some kind of clearance on the matter. She hadn’t known a thing, but had gotten solemn and quiet when she said that whatever had happened, it saved her life and tens, if not hundreds of others aboard Pegasus when the retreat bought them enough time to slip out and escape. After that, Sam didn’t ask Kara about it anymore.
He landed his ship on the flight deck after receiving clearance, coming in a little rough. His training had been more than rushed, and now with all the re-ups occupying Kara’s time, Sam’s time to ask for extra help had long since passed. He cringed when his ship came to its final stop, knowing there’d be hell to pay from the newly reinstated Chief. Galen and he had become fast friends down on New Caprica, but all friendships were thrown out the window when you put a scratch or a ding in the Chief’s deck.
His ship was lowered down and towed in, and Sam popped the hatch as the crew member pushed the rolling stairway to the side of his ship. His helmet was handed over along with the metal collar that locked it into place before he climbed down and finally had his feet on solid ground. Well, as solid as he was about to ever get again in the near future. Anders made move to leave the hangar and his ship behind when Galen’s voice rang out.
“Forgetting something, Sam?” The Chief held up a piece of paper as he stood by the nose of Sam’s Viper.
“Frak Chief, I don’t know where my head is these days,” Anders said, jogging back towards Galen and a sheepish looking Seelix.
“I don’t know how they ran my deck when I wasn’t here, but no one leaves without filling out their post-flight. Nobody.” He pressed the paper into Sam’s waiting hands and turned to Seelix. “If you’re the one receiving that bird, then you’re supposed to make sure he gets that piece of paper,” Galen said, his tone irritated as he wandered off. “Oh, and if you leave another dent on my deck, I’ll have you personally out there pounding it out, Longshot.”
“Sorry, Seelix.” Sam took the proffered pen from her, going through the motions of filling out the necessary portions.
She smiled at him, though it was short lived. “It was my fault. I’m still not used to being back in the swing of things… besides, I think the Chief’s just in a bad mood.”
Sam returned the smile, handing the form back over to her in exchange for his helmet. “Pretty sure that’s what he sounds like on a good day.”
They bid their goodbyes and Sam headed to his rack to free himself of his flight suit before making his way down to the mess hall. As disgusting as he felt, he knew the head tended to be full at that hour of the day between the change of shifts. The mess hall was fairly vacant, however, and once Sam had his tray with his lunchtime rations, he found a seat at a nearby table occupied by a solitary Felix Gaeta.
Sam and Gaeta both reacted with a slight nod of their heads, the former sipping at the cup of water on his tray.
“Not that the food’s any good, but I’d swear these portions are getting smaller,” Anders spoke as he set the cup back down, digging his fork through the bowl of noodles with a few unidentifiable items mixed in.
“That’s because they are,” said Gaeta, his head still tilted downward as he focused on the meal in front of him. “We just got word this morning that there was a contaminated batch of food mixed in with what we had stored. We’re working off the emergency supplies now until we can find a planet with something we can eat.”
Sam leaned back in his chair, abandoning his fork in his bowl. “Frak me.” He stayed like that for a moment before sitting back up, his hand finding the fork he’d previously released. The hunger had gone out of him at the very news that the entire fleet would soon begin to slowly starve unless they stumbled upon a food source. He thought back to all the times he’d ordered take out because he had been too lazy to leave his apartment to get anything himself. Filling everyone’s stomachs wasn’t as simple as a quick trip to the corner store anymore.
Despite the lack of hunger he felt, especially with how the mess hall food tasted, Sam returned to the meal provided. Every bite suddenly had to count. The silence stretched between them now, and Anders couldn’t help but notice the weight visibly seated on Gaeta’s shoulders. Though his rank wouldn’t suggest it, he held one of the more important positions in the fleet that brought him close to the upper echelon of the remaining Colonial Fleet members. Not only that, but Felix had been close to Baltar before and during his Presidency.
“Kara told me you two were working on recreating some of Baltar’s work,” Sam prompted, eyes barely lifted from his bowl as he watched Gaeta.
He nodded weakly, a lack of sleep written heavily into the discoloration beneath his eyes. “Yeah, uh, Baltar was cross referencing some star charts with Pythia. He seemed to think the lion with the mighty blinking eye was actually a reference to a system of red and blue eclipsing binary pulsars.” Gaeta eased into the back of his chair as he spoke. The look of confusion on Sam’s face told him he didn’t understand. “It means that their orbits cross paths and temporarily block one another out. In short, to us, it looks like they’re blinking… just like the scroll said.”
Across the table, Sam nodded as he pushed his finished tray away from him, though he made no move to leave. “That’s where we were yesterday, right? If it was our next sign, why did we jump out this morning?”
“Aside from the fact that we’re now starving, we’re working on the assumption that the cylons didn’t kill Baltar when they left New Caprica, or at the very least, they took what he was working on at the time. Which means…” Gaeta trailed off, not bothering to finish his statement. They’d spent the time since New Caprica in relative peace, at least when it came to being pursued by humanity’s hostile children.
“…They’re probably not far behind us,” Sam finished for him, eyes going distant and glossy as he thought about the implications.
“They’re keeping it quiet, but we actually found a beacon floating out there. Still doing testing on it, but out this far? It’s got to be left by the 13th Tribe on their way to Earth.”
Anders wasn’t a religious man, but Gods, that was good news. It was a gift from the Gods and nothing else, as far as he was concerned.
“Hey man,” Sam coughed, a nervous tell of his. He leaned in, settled his arms and elbows against the table as his voice decreased in volume just barely. “I wasn’t here for it, but I heard that Baltar created some kind of cylon detector way back. Since you worked with him, I was wondering whatever happened to it? Is anyone still screening people with it?”
Felix sighed and shrugged his shoulders, unaware to Sam’s true intentions in asking. “We abandoned that a long time ago. I think all the equipment is still in the lab, but it never worked properly anyway. Boomer, I don’t know if you heard about her, but that was the Sharon that was originally on Galactica. She was tested and it came out negative. Then she shot the Admiral twice in the chest.” His expression was grim as he replayed the memories from those days and weeks over in his head. “We haven’t used it in a long time.”
Sam nodded along with his words, feigning partial disinterest. “You guys only saw seven models during the occupation though. Doesn’t anyone wonder who the rest are?”
Felix considered that for a long time. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Cylon or human, we’re all going to starve if we don’t find food in a few days.” He nodded his head to the Viper pilot as he stood to pick up his tray and left the mess hall.
Alone, Anders remained seated as he considered everything Gaeta had given away during their brief lunch. The news of the food contamination was beyond alarming, but it was pushed from his mind to consider the rest. Why had he even asked about the cylon detector? Did he really believe himself to be machine instead of human? He could remember his life, remember being a child, remember growing up and playing pyramid for the very first time. Cylons didn’t grow up, did they? No, they were dumped into pre-made bodies and behaved like good little toasters.
If he was one, why would they have let him lead the Caprica Resistance and destroy their own kind? Wouldn’t it have been easier to turn him on and let him have realization of who he was? They could have flipped his switch and sent him to kill the rest of the people working with him as they slept. Problem solved. Someone like the first Sharon, he could understand. She was in the military and could feed the cylons information along the way. What kind of information could he have had as a pyramid player? Everything he knew about the other cylons placed in the fleet was that they had a strategic purpose of some kind. What kind of sleeper was he even supposed to be?
Sam nearly laughed out loud at himself in the quiet mess hall. Gods, he was losing his mind. He was actually entertaining the idea that he could be a cylon, all because he got a funny feeling when a Raider looked at him. So what if that had been the moment that all the rest pulled out and abandoned the fight. It was a coincidence. It had to be. Besides, what did it mean if he was one? What was he supposed to come out and say? Was he supposed to go to Kara one night and tell her he thought he was a cylon for no reason and had no way to prove or disprove it? She would have either laughed at him or put a gun between his eyes. There would be no coming back from saying something like that.
His hands rested on the table top and he stared at the skin of them for reassurance. He was Samuel T. Anders. He had been a pyramid star. He had friends and he had Kara, however rocky they were at any given moment. He was a Viper pilot for the Colonial Fleet. He was a man and nothing but a man.
-
Lee washed his hands at the empty row of sinks in the communal head. Once dry, he took the moment to tug at the sleeves of his neatly pressed uniform blues, pulling out any of the temporary wrinkles. Nearby, the hatch door swung open and Lee’s view raised to see who it was. Dee stepped in, towel folded over her arm with her small basket of toiletries at hand. She nearly didn’t notice him, so intent on making her way to one of the showers, and Lee ducked his head back down beneath the mirror as if he was washing his hands once again in an excuse to avoid her.
Just as she was about to round the corner into the shower stall, her eyes shifted over to the other occupant in the otherwise deserted head. Her face lifted at the very sight of him and her direction was diverted, approaching the counter as she leaned her hip against it.
“Hello, soldier.” Her voice nearly sang out as she looked to him, not even a foot away. Dee’s free arm stretched out, further primping him and the collar of his uniform. “I forgot how good you looked with this on.”
Lee’s body stiffened at her touch, though he tried not to let it show. A quiet, forced laugh was released and he leaned against the counter top just as she had, making an excuse to back off from her just a little bit more. “It certainly is easier choosing what to wear in the morning.”
“Your father’s been so happy since you chose to come back, Lee.”
It hadn’t been a secret that Adama had been anything but happy to have his son return to military life. Unlike all the other times Lee had been pushed into anything revolving around the military, whether it was being shipped off to boot camp, choosing Vipers as his focus, or even going to War college, he had actually felt the decision was entirely his. Though he knew his father wanted him to return, Lee’s own eagerness had been what ultimately drove him back to it. That, and the thought of flying again with Kara. Either way, the decision had been his alone.
“I haven’t seen you around much lately,” she seemed regretful about it, and a pang of guilt hit him in his stomach.
“Well, I’ve been back on double-shift CAPs since I finished my refresher course so the CAG would finally let me back into rotation. That and I’ve been helping the Chief on some Viper repairs in my free time.” His words almost tumbled out too quickly, the excuses pouring out of his mouth.
Dee nodded as her forehead creased. She glanced down to the towel on her arm then back up to him, noting the distance he kept between them even in relative privacy.
“You know, if you ever need someone to talk to about things that happened on New Caprica, Lee, I’m here for you.”
He appreciated the gesture and had to look away from her as he chewed over her words. “Dee, I’m fine, really. I came out okay in the end. A lot of people had it worse than me.”
“I just look at you sometimes, Lee… I know how you are. After the blackbird and what happened on Cloud 9-”
Lee was quick to cut her off, though did his best not to sound anything but amicable. “It was different then. It was a long time ago and I’m okay now.” He knew the words were just that, words. They were hollow and empty, but he didn’t want to discuss what had happened on that planet with her. In fact, he hadn’t talked about it at all except that night with Kara.
Dee could tell when she was being dismissed. “Right. I’m sure Kara Thrace would be willing to lend an ear for you this time around.”
The last three words were not missed by Lee and that guilt inside of him spread out, consuming not only his stomach but tightening around his chest. She was right, Kara hadn’t been there before. In another time it would have made him further doubt Kara’s feelings towards him, even just as friends. But after the night they’d shared in her office awhile back, facing down just how different Kara now was, he couldn’t help but think that this time she would be willing to lend an ear. Not only would she, but Lee knew she already had.
“I’m not going to argue with you about this, especially not about Starbuck,” he said, eyes rising to her own.
She knew that look, though. It was the same look he’d given to her when she’d returned to the planet the day after Founders’ day.
Stuck with an overnight CIC shift, Dee had returned to Galactica just as the party had begun on the surface. With everyone celebrating away the evening, there still had to be enough personnel on board both of the battlestars to maintain the most basic functions. Dee knew Helo had remained up on Pegasus, taking control over the con for Kara while the Commander’s presence was required down below. Baltar had insisted all the more well known faces of the Colonial Fleet attend the celebration and Adama had relented on the matter. With Gaeta having mustered out to assist the President, and both Tigh and Adama spending the night celebrating, Dee had been given a sort of temporary command of Galactica. Without question, she had accepted the position and responsibility. It would be an honor for her.
Once late morning came, however, she was relieved of her duties as Tigh returned, still smelling strongly of alcohol. Though she questioned his state, Dee had overlooked it in order to make the Raptor in time for its departure back to New Caprica. The flight was empty of other passengers save for her and the pilot lesser known as Brendan Costanza than as his callsign, Hot Dog.
“Hot Dog, did you hear the news?” Racetrack called back to them from the front of the ship once they were a safe distance away from the fleet, heading towards the planet growing larger and larger through the window.
“What news? I miss all the frakking excitement. Every time.” He muttered to himself, cursing under his breath.
Though Dee knew the conversation wasn’t meant for her, she couldn’t help but listen to the two chatter back and forth.
“You’ll never believe it. I could tell you I’d pay you a million cubits if you guessed right and give you a thousand chances and you would still never get it,” the pilot tried to hold back laughter from the front seat, her head shaking as she did so. Dee thought about how unusual it was to actually see these pilots talking in their element for once, instead of just being a voice on the other line of her comm.
“Just spit it out, we’ll be on New Cap soon.”
Racetrack’s laughter couldn’t be contained and soon it was full bodied, so much so that Dee inwardly became concerned about her ability to fly the Raptor down through the atmosphere with that kind of distraction.
“Starbuck got married.”
“No way. No. You’re frakking joking, Racetrack. If you wanted me to believe you, you should’ve gone with something more believable. There’s no way that God got married,” Brendan was in a near state of shock and disbelief as he referred to his former instructor by her self-proclaimed nickname.
“I’m not! I swear to the Gods, Hot Dog! Apparently the Commander woke up this morning and dragged Anders to some priestess and got married right then and there. I couldn’t even make this up if I wanted to.”
“Holy frak,” was Hot Dog’s only reply as he went silent, trying to grasp his mind around it.
From her jump seat, Dee considered the facts as well. So Kara Thrace had gotten married. She wouldn’t lie to herself, when Racetrack had made the admission about it, her heart had pounded with her first assumption that Starbuck had somehow convinced Lee to marry her. Unlike most of the crew that was fairly unaware to the nature of Starbuck and Apollo’s relationship, Dee had seen some of it first hand, especially in the ways her boyfriend reacted to any manner of things concerning Kara Thrace. There was something there, without question. Before Kara had returned to Caprica for Anders, Dee had even been certain that the two Viper pilots had something going on on the side. After Starbuck returned with the pyramid player on her arm, though, she knew that if there had been something between her boyfriend and the new Commander, it was over.
Her thoughts overwhelmed her and the rest of the flight breezed by, with the Raptor landing gently on the ground. Dee was off first with a polite thanks to the pilot that had guided her there safely, before she went off in search of the man that had been her reason for visiting New Caprica altogether. Though Lee had decided to leave the service to act as something of a government official, or a government-military liaison, he had made it clear to her that him abandoning the battlestar didn’t mean he was abandoning her.
Duala headed through the center of the makeshift town, looking first for him there as she cut through it on the way to the tent Lee was currently calling home. On her way through, she caught sight of Adama and he eagerly waved in her direction, calling her name. Though she loved the Admiral, she didn’t want to stop on her journey to get to her significant other’s tent. She considered continuing on her way, but thought better of it, and redirected herself to greet Adama.
“Dee, you missed this morning’s celebration,” Adama said, in a cheerier tone than she’d ever heard from him.
“What was that, sir?” Dee was all proper form before she turned to see the other people sitting beside the Admiral at the temporary table and chairs set up for last night’s event. Kara and Sam both looked up from their conversation, Sam with the wide and bright smile across his face. Kara’s smile faltered as she realized who the latest addition to their trio was, and Dee saw her try again to pull her smile back on, but found it increasingly difficult.
“Kara and Sam got married.” The Admiral’s face was beyond proud as his arm curled around his daughter’s shoulders, squeezing her close for only an instant. Though she knew Adama had a soft side, especially when it came to Kara, his behavior seemed a little too open, even for the calm nature of the morning. Dee began to wonder just how good of a time the Admiral had the night before. “Now Anders,” Adama’s attention was redirected away from Dee to turn towards Kara and Sam, Sam sitting on the other side of Kara. “She’s my Commander before she’s your wife, and I don’t think there’s ever been a pregnant Commander in the history of Colonial Fleet, so you better watch yourself.” His tone was good natured and nearby, Sam gave a nervous laugh.
“No, no, no,” Anders spoke despite the uncomfortable laughter. “Believe me, sir, Kara would cut my head off for even entertaining that thought.” His arm slid around Kara’s shoulders as the Admiral’s had done before and he leaned in to kiss the side of his new wife’s head. Dee was forced to notice how Kara kept quiet on all talk of her marriage, her face not only avoiding Dee’s, but looking as if it was lost. Kara Thrace was far away from wherever the rest of them were.
“Congratulations, Commander, Anders.” Dualla nodded her head politely towards them, desperate for a reason to step away. “Admiral, if you’ll excuse me, I was just on my way to see Lee.” Her voice was low, as if trying to keep her words between her and Adama. It didn’t work, because the very mention of the name brought Kara’s eyes up to hers. They shared the briefest of moments of eye contact, and though Dee had never been a particular fan of Starbuck and all the messes she created for herself, not to mention dragged others into, Dee couldn’t help but feel some kind of sadness for her. Starbuck, with her normally vivacious and forward attitude, was at that moment, only a fraction of herself.
“Where did Lee go to anyway?” Sam said from beside Kara, looking curiously around. The mention of the name again hit Kara across the face, her eyes shutting for an extended blink as she reached for the cup of alcohol before her, taking a sip in a welcomed distraction.
Adama’s shoulders shrugged and he popped a nut into his mouth from the nearly empty bowl on the table. “Haven’t seen him since earlier.”
Dee slipped away from them, suddenly even more eager to find Lee. Something had transpired, something more than just Kara deciding to suddenly marry the pyramid player. Her boots carried her quickly through the rows of tents, her pace slower than normal as her feet sunk into the sand. If he wasn’t in his tent, she wouldn’t know where to look for him next, and Dee said a prayer to the Gods for this sample favor.
“Lee?” She panted slightly and willed herself to find some control as she pulled back the flap of his tent. The interior was much dimmer, but she could easily make out Lee’s form hunched over the makeshift desk created from stacked boxes and a piece of scrapped metal serving as the table top. She continued inside, nearing him slowly. Dee took a seat beside him on the wide bench that served as the only seat he had other than the cot along the other side of the tent.
He was working on some papers, concentration focused, and Dee looked at them, reading over what words she easily could. It was something about land surveys for growing crops and plans for irrigation systems. Her hand reached his scalp, stroking over his short hair, still military regulation length.
It was only then that he recognized her presence, his head turning to take her in. His eyes found hers, blue eyes steady and strong but still giving so much away to her. He was in pain and trying to hide it and it caught her off guard. She’d seen a lot of his looks over the last few weeks and months. She’d seen the look of physical pain in his eyes as he rehabbed his shoulder from the gunshot wound. She’d seen how hurt he’d been after Kara had returned from Caprica with the man of her dreams. She’d even seen the way he looked when his father had chosen Kara to Command Pegasus. It had been relief and disappointment all at once. But this look, this was something new.
“I heard,” was all Dee said, knowing he would understand.
Lee didn’t even nod his head in acknowledgement, just removed his hands from the desk, abandoning his pen there. One arm curled around her back, pulling her in closer, the other hand going to her cheek. He stroked over her dark skin and though he was looking at her, Dee could tell that Lee was looking through her, seeing someone else. She was under no illusions about who he wished he was seeing. He closed the space between, lips pressed to hers. It was soft but barely intimate, any kind of eager anticipation she’d felt from him on previous experiences completely gone. She didn’t turn him away, though, instead stroked her fingers over where his neck met his jaw.
When they broke apart, Lee avoided her eyes but she tilted his chin up to her, forcing him to see her.
“I know what this is, what it’s always been. I love you, Lee.” Her head shook to keep him quiet and she swallowed before speaking again. “I’ll stay as long as you’ll let me. I’ll stay until she comes back for you.” They didn’t say anything else the rest of the afternoon, instead Lee kissed her again and took her back to his cot. Though it wasn’t their usual routine, Dee straddled his lap and rode him while he sat up, his arms around her. When he came, he buried his face into her neck and thought about the night before.
They’d never talked about that afternoon again, and Dee tried not to think about it. Not until now at least, faced with those same eyes he had given her over a year before. She knew now what it meant.
Dee looked away from him, fighting the pull of tears to her own eyes. When she had made that promise to him in his tent, she hadn’t considered how painful it would be to go through with it all in the end. But she would be strong about it. She was Sagitarron. She would be strong.
Her hand groped for his own, squeezing it once she found purchase on it. Dee leaned in and kissed his cheek, nodding as she pulled back from him. “I didn’t really think this would come, but I guess deep down I knew it would.”
Lee looked bewildered, his mind pulling him back to the same moment she had just revisited. He tried to struggle for the words to say to her, but came up short. Nothing would fix it. Nothing would ease the pain Ana felt and nothing would cure the guilt he felt in his chest. What ashamed him most was the sense of relief as Dee finally stepped away from him, returning to the shower stall she had originally sought out.
He stood there for only a moment until he heard the water turn on. When he stepped through the hatch to leave, he knew he heard the drowned out sound of her crying.
-
“Apollo, Starbuck. Do you think you remember more than the basic maneuvers from the year you spent on vacation?”
“I don’t know, Starbuck, I heard you got pretty soft during your tenure as Commander,” Lee replied from his own Viper, flying at the CAG’s wing.
“You can tell Kat to go frak herself, Apollo.”
He heard her laughter carried through the open comm between their two ships. It brought his own smile to his face.
“So what do you say, a couple Aerilon rolls to start?” Lee watched her from the seeled canopy of his own ship.
“I swear to the Gods if you hit my bird, Apollo, you won’t be coming home with me today.”
“With you, huh?” Lee’s own cheeks burned simultaneously to Kara’s as he acknowledged her slip of the tongue. “You didn’t even ask if I wanted to go home with you. Do you do this to everyone you take out on CAP? Now I know where you get your reputation.”
Her face ached from the tight smile Lee’s presence forced onto her features. She was immediately thankful this conversation wasn’t being held over the channel opened to the CIC. With a flick of her finger, she switched to the main channel. “Galactica and Athena, this is Starbuck, be advised Apollo and I will be performing some practice maneuvers out here.”
“Wilco, Starbuck,” Hoshi answered back across the line and Kara set her comm back to the previous channel as she watched Sharon’s Raptor slow down, backing off to give the two Viper’s enough clearance.
For a moment, Sharon switched her comm to the private channel she knew was in use by Apollo and Starbuck. “Don’t you kids forget to be safe.”
Kara snorted at the double entendre she knew the cylon chose to use on purpose. It was only the day before when Athena had remarked to Starbuck after CAP that her hours out there with Apollo looked a whole lot more like frakking than flying. “Roger that, Athena. Wouldn’t want any surprises,” Kara delivered and she wondered exactly what Lee was thinking based on the interaction. Sharon cleared out of the private channel and Kara felt a general sense of warmth permeate through her body, a warmth that just wasn’t due to the airtight seal of her flight suit.
“On my mark, Lee.”