Rapture on the Rise, for liliaeth (Dr. Horrible, PG)
Title: Rapture on the Rise
Author: kanedax
Recipient: liliaeth
Fandom: Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog
Rating: PG for mild language and poorly-written lyrics
Spoilers (if applicable): Dr. Horrible, Act I
Summary: It's plain to see Rapture is on the rise
Thanks to sopaltenbass for the beta!
She called him sweet.
How is he sweet?
Right! Freeze Ray! So, as of tonight, I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan, which it will, because I hold a PhD in--
[various squealing tires and metallic crunching noises heard in the background]
The heck was that?
---------
Well, I guess we can all forget about my entry into the League. TeleporTed's got me beat.
I suppose you've all already seen his work. You just look outside and there it is. Kinda hard to miss when half of the city's population just disappears into thin air. Driverless cars crashing into each other, empty baby carriages, the whole nine yards. It's a master work.
I wonder how he figured out the whole molecular shift problem. I wonder if he figured out the whole molecular shift problem.
Gosh, I hope he did. I hope he doesn't have, like, a warehouse or something somewhere full of cumin-smelling puddles of Los Angelesians. Los Angelians. Los Angelos. Whatever.
And why kids? Why nuns and rabbis? What's that going to accomplish? Is he holding them for ransom? Why hasn't he made any demands yet?
You know what? I'm mad now. This... This is just sloppy! Look, I know Ted. No way does he have a place to hide... two million people? No way. Ted had to borrow five bucks from me last week for bus fare. And that's not even taking into account all the money that'd have to be invested in-in-in food? And sanitation? God, if he's taking all these babies, what kind of army does he have to have behind him to deal with all the diapers! Not even Bad Horse has that kind of clout!
I didn't mean that! Bad Horse, he's... He's the Thoroughbred of Sin! He's... he's great! If you're watching, Mr. Bad Horse, sir, just know that you have my full support...
Except about Ted.
No way. No. Ted does not belong in the Evil League of Evil. I'm going to prove it to you, Mr. Bad Horse. Sir. Freeze Ray's primed and ready to roll. I'm going out! I'm gonna make my mark! Watch me, world! I have a PhD in horribleness!
---------
Soooooooo maybe TeleporTed's not behind it.
Why? Ohhhhh, I don't know... Might have something to do with the eclipse and the raining blood and fire. No way Ted had anything to do with that. He teleports. That's it. Big whoop. He wouldn't have blood and fire capabilities. Unless, well, unless he's keeping them hidden really well, but then what's the point of even having them?
No, I think there's something else going on here. We all know what it is. We all had to study doomsday scenarios in our supervillain correspondence courses.
I think what we have here is a good ol' fashioned Rapture. Revelations. The End Times. All that.
How do I feel about that? No clue. I've never been a satanist, or anything. I've never hung with, you know, Grayskull or The Great Zombino. Heck, I have enough trouble striking up a conversation with Time Science Blood Cloud. I'm all about causing chaos. Upsetting the status quo. You know it. I love evil. Just not, you know, evil.
But here I am. So I obviously wasn't one of the good guys. Which helps boost the old ego a bit. I think. I don't know. I'm all about upsetting authority, but I'm not sure if the authority's the same as The Big Guy Upstairs.
I wonder if Penny's gone...
...
...Right. Um. End times. Armageddon. Good news, though: Freeze Ray? Works like a charm. I'll be honest, I wasn't able to use it on the police, or Captain Hammer, or anything like that. It took a few more minutes to warm up than I expected. Good thing they were too busy to notice me. But once I got it rolling? There was this bus screaming through the streets, and I hit it with the Ray. Boom. In its tracks. It was fantastic. It-- Oh, hang on. Phone call.
We saw you stop that school bus
We saw you save those kids
You should be doing evil
Not creating bliss
Stop trying to save people
Or you'll be our nemesis
We will resort
To violent force
Don't be a hero
Signed, Bad Horse
Waitwaitwaitdon’thangup!
I wasn't saving those kids! I was just testing my--!
But, what, they're kids! It's like the disappearing nuns! What good would it do in the grand scheme of things if kids died? Or anyone, for that matter? Murder's just so... cheap, you know? If you're going to be evil, you have to be creative. The fish rots from the head, you know? I want to rule the world, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be some gore-thirsty dictator when it happens.
Okay, I'm going to shut up now. I'm digging myself in a hole.
---------
Penny hasn't been to the laundromat. I think she's gone. I hope it was in the actual Rapture, and not in the aftermath. Unfortunately I don't know where she lives, so I can't...
Hammer's still around. He's been all over the news, saving people left and right. Corporate Tool... He's no better than the rest of us. The Powers That Be didn't leave him behind to rescue people, they left him behind because he's not good enough for them. That makes me feel a little better, at least.
Oh, and get this: Professor Normal? Fury Leika? Gone. Poof. Just like that. Conflict Diamond, too. Raptured up with the rest of them, according to Moist.
You know what that means, don't you? More positions open in the League.
I knew they were faking.
---------
E-mails!
Brad_Pitts_Clone writes:
Dr. Horrible,
Have you seen any of the Four Horsemen yet? I saw one of them galloping through the air outside my house in Utah soon after Wyrmwood fell to earth. It might have been Pestilence, but he looks so much like Famine that I couldn't tell for sure, especially since I wasn't wearing my glasses.
Yes! Yes, I saw one of them. War himself landed outside the Shakey's on Chavez Boulevard. I gotta tell you... I was impressed. The armor, the fiery sword, the whole thing. Now that's how you strike fear into the hearts of men. I wish I could pull off that look...
Oh, who am I kidding? Armor like that would just slow you down. Besides, I'm Dr. Horrible. Doctor. PhD in Horribleness. Doctors don't... don't wear armor. Talk about your thematic clash.
---------
Hammer was on the news. Again. Talking to the United Nations. Wish I could wipe that smug smile off his face.
Oh, and get this: There's talk about putting him in charge of the new world order. HIM! HAMMER! Are you... Are you kidding me? Just because he can lift a Sherman tank over his head, suddenly they think he can run things. Stupid human race. I tell you, they're so dense, turning to someone so... so...
so...
It's a brand new day, and the time is right
Now it's clear to me you're the Antichrist
I can't hesitate, cuz now you have to die
It's a brand new day!
---------
So... um... maybe this is a bit of a moral dilemma...
It's clear, yes. Hammer is the Antichrist. The ultimate evil.
But he's my nemesis.
I'm evil.
He's eviler.
Does that make me the good guy?
No, I can't think about that. Not only is the earth's population falling all over themselves to kiss his feet, not only is the UN ready to hand over the mantle of, I don't know, Emperor of Earth to that lunkhead, but even the ELE's starting to get behind him. They’ve studied as much as I have. They know about the whole Antichrist thing. They know that Hammer's the guy.
So now they're backpedaling hard, trying to get into the Ultimate Evil's good graces. It's sick. Another day or two and you'll see Bad Horse trotting down the street with the Tool on his back.
But, look, I have standards. Hammer's my nemesis. Hammer has to die. And killing someone loved by everyone on the planet not named Dr. Horrible?
I think that's pretty dang evil.
Now, how to do it? Maybe if I tweak that Stun Ray...
---------
Stop it!
Stop!
It!
Look, the Death Ray needs some fine-tuning, alright? I shot him with it, and he died. Temporarily. It wore off.
That doesn't mean he's resurrecting himself, okay? Just because of some stupid mechanical failure, they're suddenly saying that he's the Second Coming.
Luckily I got away before the mob caught me and crucified me for trying to kill their Savior.
Stupid humanity...
---------
Okay, take two.
Death Ray's tweaked. I think it's ready to work this time. Permanently.
No, I haven't actually tried it out yet. I didn't feel like killing... any...
Look, its going to work, okay? I just need to get far enough away where no one's going to tackle me first.
I have a fake beard somewhere. That might help.
Where's that light coming from?
---------
Billy suddenly found himself standing before a giant golden throne.
"Throne of Judgement?" he asked the man seated upon it. "Nice."
"Billy," said the man in the white robes. "You more than anyone have fought valiantly against the evil in men's hearts. You struck a blow against Satan and his Dark Forces in an attempt to--"
"Um, sir?" Billy said, slightly uncomfortable. "I'm not a good guy. I'm a villain, remember? Dr. Horrible? White smock? Goggles?"
"--to destroy the Antichrist. This service alone would be enough to grant you entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven for all eternity."
"No!" he yelled. "Jesus Christ, I'm a bad guy! I'm not Heaven material! Everyone's going to laugh at me," he finished weakly.
"However," he continued unabated, "when you were five you stole an Almond Joy from the 7-11. You broke the Seventh Commandment--"
"Really?" Billy asked, brightening.
"And for this you should be cast into the fires of Hell!"
"Oh, thank God..." he said with a deep sigh of relief.
"But I think these two balance out," The Lord concluded. "Purgatory sound good?"
"Eh. Better than nothing..."
Author: kanedax
Recipient: liliaeth
Fandom: Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog
Rating: PG for mild language and poorly-written lyrics
Spoilers (if applicable): Dr. Horrible, Act I
Summary: It's plain to see Rapture is on the rise
Thanks to sopaltenbass for the beta!
She called him sweet.
How is he sweet?
Right! Freeze Ray! So, as of tonight, I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan, which it will, because I hold a PhD in--
[various squealing tires and metallic crunching noises heard in the background]
The heck was that?
---------
Well, I guess we can all forget about my entry into the League. TeleporTed's got me beat.
I suppose you've all already seen his work. You just look outside and there it is. Kinda hard to miss when half of the city's population just disappears into thin air. Driverless cars crashing into each other, empty baby carriages, the whole nine yards. It's a master work.
I wonder how he figured out the whole molecular shift problem. I wonder if he figured out the whole molecular shift problem.
Gosh, I hope he did. I hope he doesn't have, like, a warehouse or something somewhere full of cumin-smelling puddles of Los Angelesians. Los Angelians. Los Angelos. Whatever.
And why kids? Why nuns and rabbis? What's that going to accomplish? Is he holding them for ransom? Why hasn't he made any demands yet?
You know what? I'm mad now. This... This is just sloppy! Look, I know Ted. No way does he have a place to hide... two million people? No way. Ted had to borrow five bucks from me last week for bus fare. And that's not even taking into account all the money that'd have to be invested in-in-in food? And sanitation? God, if he's taking all these babies, what kind of army does he have to have behind him to deal with all the diapers! Not even Bad Horse has that kind of clout!
I didn't mean that! Bad Horse, he's... He's the Thoroughbred of Sin! He's... he's great! If you're watching, Mr. Bad Horse, sir, just know that you have my full support...
Except about Ted.
No way. No. Ted does not belong in the Evil League of Evil. I'm going to prove it to you, Mr. Bad Horse. Sir. Freeze Ray's primed and ready to roll. I'm going out! I'm gonna make my mark! Watch me, world! I have a PhD in horribleness!
---------
Soooooooo maybe TeleporTed's not behind it.
Why? Ohhhhh, I don't know... Might have something to do with the eclipse and the raining blood and fire. No way Ted had anything to do with that. He teleports. That's it. Big whoop. He wouldn't have blood and fire capabilities. Unless, well, unless he's keeping them hidden really well, but then what's the point of even having them?
No, I think there's something else going on here. We all know what it is. We all had to study doomsday scenarios in our supervillain correspondence courses.
I think what we have here is a good ol' fashioned Rapture. Revelations. The End Times. All that.
How do I feel about that? No clue. I've never been a satanist, or anything. I've never hung with, you know, Grayskull or The Great Zombino. Heck, I have enough trouble striking up a conversation with Time Science Blood Cloud. I'm all about causing chaos. Upsetting the status quo. You know it. I love evil. Just not, you know, evil.
But here I am. So I obviously wasn't one of the good guys. Which helps boost the old ego a bit. I think. I don't know. I'm all about upsetting authority, but I'm not sure if the authority's the same as The Big Guy Upstairs.
I wonder if Penny's gone...
...
...Right. Um. End times. Armageddon. Good news, though: Freeze Ray? Works like a charm. I'll be honest, I wasn't able to use it on the police, or Captain Hammer, or anything like that. It took a few more minutes to warm up than I expected. Good thing they were too busy to notice me. But once I got it rolling? There was this bus screaming through the streets, and I hit it with the Ray. Boom. In its tracks. It was fantastic. It-- Oh, hang on. Phone call.
We saw you stop that school bus
We saw you save those kids
You should be doing evil
Not creating bliss
Stop trying to save people
Or you'll be our nemesis
We will resort
To violent force
Don't be a hero
Signed, Bad Horse
Waitwaitwaitdon’thangup!
I wasn't saving those kids! I was just testing my--!
But, what, they're kids! It's like the disappearing nuns! What good would it do in the grand scheme of things if kids died? Or anyone, for that matter? Murder's just so... cheap, you know? If you're going to be evil, you have to be creative. The fish rots from the head, you know? I want to rule the world, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be some gore-thirsty dictator when it happens.
Okay, I'm going to shut up now. I'm digging myself in a hole.
---------
Penny hasn't been to the laundromat. I think she's gone. I hope it was in the actual Rapture, and not in the aftermath. Unfortunately I don't know where she lives, so I can't...
Hammer's still around. He's been all over the news, saving people left and right. Corporate Tool... He's no better than the rest of us. The Powers That Be didn't leave him behind to rescue people, they left him behind because he's not good enough for them. That makes me feel a little better, at least.
Oh, and get this: Professor Normal? Fury Leika? Gone. Poof. Just like that. Conflict Diamond, too. Raptured up with the rest of them, according to Moist.
You know what that means, don't you? More positions open in the League.
I knew they were faking.
---------
E-mails!
Brad_Pitts_Clone writes:
Dr. Horrible,
Have you seen any of the Four Horsemen yet? I saw one of them galloping through the air outside my house in Utah soon after Wyrmwood fell to earth. It might have been Pestilence, but he looks so much like Famine that I couldn't tell for sure, especially since I wasn't wearing my glasses.
Yes! Yes, I saw one of them. War himself landed outside the Shakey's on Chavez Boulevard. I gotta tell you... I was impressed. The armor, the fiery sword, the whole thing. Now that's how you strike fear into the hearts of men. I wish I could pull off that look...
Oh, who am I kidding? Armor like that would just slow you down. Besides, I'm Dr. Horrible. Doctor. PhD in Horribleness. Doctors don't... don't wear armor. Talk about your thematic clash.
---------
Hammer was on the news. Again. Talking to the United Nations. Wish I could wipe that smug smile off his face.
Oh, and get this: There's talk about putting him in charge of the new world order. HIM! HAMMER! Are you... Are you kidding me? Just because he can lift a Sherman tank over his head, suddenly they think he can run things. Stupid human race. I tell you, they're so dense, turning to someone so... so...
so...
It's a brand new day, and the time is right
Now it's clear to me you're the Antichrist
I can't hesitate, cuz now you have to die
It's a brand new day!
---------
So... um... maybe this is a bit of a moral dilemma...
It's clear, yes. Hammer is the Antichrist. The ultimate evil.
But he's my nemesis.
I'm evil.
He's eviler.
Does that make me the good guy?
No, I can't think about that. Not only is the earth's population falling all over themselves to kiss his feet, not only is the UN ready to hand over the mantle of, I don't know, Emperor of Earth to that lunkhead, but even the ELE's starting to get behind him. They’ve studied as much as I have. They know about the whole Antichrist thing. They know that Hammer's the guy.
So now they're backpedaling hard, trying to get into the Ultimate Evil's good graces. It's sick. Another day or two and you'll see Bad Horse trotting down the street with the Tool on his back.
But, look, I have standards. Hammer's my nemesis. Hammer has to die. And killing someone loved by everyone on the planet not named Dr. Horrible?
I think that's pretty dang evil.
Now, how to do it? Maybe if I tweak that Stun Ray...
---------
Stop it!
Stop!
It!
Look, the Death Ray needs some fine-tuning, alright? I shot him with it, and he died. Temporarily. It wore off.
That doesn't mean he's resurrecting himself, okay? Just because of some stupid mechanical failure, they're suddenly saying that he's the Second Coming.
Luckily I got away before the mob caught me and crucified me for trying to kill their Savior.
Stupid humanity...
---------
Okay, take two.
Death Ray's tweaked. I think it's ready to work this time. Permanently.
No, I haven't actually tried it out yet. I didn't feel like killing... any...
Look, its going to work, okay? I just need to get far enough away where no one's going to tackle me first.
I have a fake beard somewhere. That might help.
Where's that light coming from?
---------
Billy suddenly found himself standing before a giant golden throne.
"Throne of Judgement?" he asked the man seated upon it. "Nice."
"Billy," said the man in the white robes. "You more than anyone have fought valiantly against the evil in men's hearts. You struck a blow against Satan and his Dark Forces in an attempt to--"
"Um, sir?" Billy said, slightly uncomfortable. "I'm not a good guy. I'm a villain, remember? Dr. Horrible? White smock? Goggles?"
"--to destroy the Antichrist. This service alone would be enough to grant you entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven for all eternity."
"No!" he yelled. "Jesus Christ, I'm a bad guy! I'm not Heaven material! Everyone's going to laugh at me," he finished weakly.
"However," he continued unabated, "when you were five you stole an Almond Joy from the 7-11. You broke the Seventh Commandment--"
"Really?" Billy asked, brightening.
"And for this you should be cast into the fires of Hell!"
"Oh, thank God..." he said with a deep sigh of relief.
"But I think these two balance out," The Lord concluded. "Purgatory sound good?"
"Eh. Better than nothing..."