Merry Christmas and I still haven't stopped being a shitty person

[apiphile]

Recent activities have seen a certain backsliding in maturity: watched the entire first disk of my Christmas present from Lindsay, which was the Horrible Histories box set (aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh), have accidentally fallen into rereading the few Asterix books I have and also making Jess read them (I am an expert at looking past the GINORMOUS RACISM

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

Merry Christmas! The presents sound lovely! Ginormous racism aside, I really like the Asterix books! I read them a lot when I was a kid and learning French.

I definitely agree that the problem is your particularly harsh and one-sided standard for what makes you a ginormous wanker. Sadly, recongizing that doesn't fix it, but it's definitely the part of your brain declaring you a wanker for taking a class in things. (Maybe some of it is that you don't want to turn into your parents who took classes instead of doing useful and necessary stuff like being there for you or paying for necessities, and a judgy corner of your brain doesn't acknowledge that it might be possible for you take classes in addition to useful and necessary stuff? I can imagine that watching your parents pour money into classes and retreats when there wasn't consistenly money for rent might make it easy to see that stuff negatively

[apiphile]

I can imagine that watching your parents pour money into classes and retreats when there wasn't consistenly money for rent might make it easy to see that stuff negatively.

It doesn't help, but I'm peculiarly obsessed with the idea that Proper Writers don't need that shit. :(

The problem with the free groups is that they haven't really tended to give me much in the way of helpful feedback, or feedback, which is what I'm after. I need... trimming? Or directing? Or someone with a big stick to make me work harder.

[wolfy_writing]

A lot of people like to come up with the formula for how Proper Writers work, when the reality is all over the place. (The only consistent distinction I've seen is "Eventually writes something" versus "Literally never gets past the intending to write something stage", and you write many things.) There are definitely many Proper Writers who take classes and learn from teachers. You can find self-taught people in almost anything artistic (I don't think you get self-taught ballerinas), but there's a reason why most people trying to work seriously at something creative take classes.

I think it's a really good and useful idea. It'd help a lot with your frustration about feedback, and offer you some that's more what you're looking for.

[apiphile]

True, true. Perhaps I am surrounding myself with the Wrong Writers. ;)

I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TELL ME HOW TO UNFUCK MY WORK

[miscellanny]

I think there's the advantage in something you are paying for that you're entitled to expect a certain level of productivity or whatever, rather than seething in silent resentment at a free sociable thing when they're being unhelpful. Your brain is ungodly mean to you, far more than is deserved; can you justify it to yourself as an investment?

<3

[apiphile]

I did that with the HNC and and I did not end up in that field, I rather think my brain will enjoy reminding me of this from now until the END OF TIME.

[alizarin_nyc]

I've always viewed courses in What One Wants To Do are less about the coursework and more about the people you meet. I sent my husband to cooking school not because he couldn't cook but because he needed to see that he was really good and to get externships and meet other cooks and then be hired before he even finished. He'll be paying off that loan for the rest of his life, but it was worth it for him. Sometimes you have to get INTO the mindset with other people who are also in the mindset in order to see how you measure up and also to spy on the competition. Which reminds me I need to sign up for some courses. :/

[apiphile]

I don't want to meet people. I met people doing the HNC and it was lovely and all but it's just made me feel more guilty about not going into it professionally and then not speak to any of those (very friendly) people again because guilt and so I basically made and lost several friends in a year, which sucked.

Sometimes you have to get INTO the mindset with other people who are also in the mindset in order to see how you measure up and also to spy on the competition

And shrivel up into a tiny ball when they are inevitably better than me/shrivel up into a ballistic of hatred when they're worse than me but getting further than I am.

[ruthi]

<3

Also, what nny said: your brain *is* being ungodly mean to you. Taking a course, talking to writers and people in the business and getting useful feedback is none of it being a wanker.

I am glad you write and I want you to keep writing.

[apiphile]

WANTING TO LEARN MAKES ME A WANKER

because of anti-intellectual elitism

idk

[apiphile]

Actually I think that's the most helpful thing you could have said, thanks Ali. <3 A pro musician friend of mine just applied to music college and got in, I don't know why I didn't think to make that comparison myself.