Eragon Rewrite chapter 2

[ultramega10]

Well here we have chapter 2.

[Spoiler (click to open)]Chapter Two: Palancar ValleyA deer had been through this meadow half an hour before. Or so Eragon guessed from the tracks as he kneeled there, bow clutched in one hand. She’d walked for miles with a limp and neither wolf or bear had yet caught her. He was actually impressed

Comments

[anonymous]

I liked it. A nice way of introducing Eragon, his family, the village, and Sloan. And yes, I agree that making Sloan a pawn shop owner makes much more sense when it comes to Eragon trying to sell the "stone". I also really liked how you introduced a religious belief with the earth and the river spirits.
However, I have some suggestions for minor changes to the text:

1. "With a curse ... explosion, notching another arrow just in case."
It should be "nocking another arrow".
2. "The sun rose the next morning to bath the world in its lake with unusual brightness for the spine."
It should be "to bathe", and I'm not sure what you mean by "bathing the world in its lake".
3. "He walked by a rough game trail that had been forged by animals."
I suggest to cut the word "game".
4. "And as he pressed on the next day it became steadily colder over the next day and a half."
I suggest changing it to "And as he pressed on, it became steadily colder over the next day and a half."
5. "who visited Carvahall every spring and winter.

[cmdrnemo]

I'm going to argue against cutting the word "game". A game trail is a very different thing from a trail when one is hunting in the woods. A place as seldom tread as the spine is supposed to be will have a good many trails throughout. Most marked with trees like this:

[syntinen_laulu]

I think the point is that either you just say "game trail" or, if you think not all your readers will know what that is, "trail beaten/created by animals"; a combination of both is tautological. (And "forged" is definitely a bit off; it implies intent and a single vigorous bout of activity.)

[cmdrnemo]

fair point

[anonymous]

I agree with Anon 4 for the most part, your rewrite is fantastic and feels more natural than Paolini. Its better in every way and really characterizes the region and characters. I really liked the part where Eragon feels like someone is speaking to him when he's about to hand over the stone to Sloan. I only have two complaints:

1) The pawn shop part feels out of place for a story set in medieval times (though I do not know enough about medieval European history to know if pawn shops existed during that time period). When I read He decided that he’d approach the pawn shop owner I thought this rewrite was going to be satirical or just joking. It pulled me right out of the story. I feel like keeping Sloan as a butcher (or some other occupation that works with meat) would both fit his canonical character better and not be anachronistic. I get that making him a pawn shop owner would explain why Eragon tries to give Sloan the stone, but maybe you could explain that Eragon always tries to buy meat from Sloan with items he finds in the

[syntinen_laulu]

I kinda wish that you kept him as this non-religious person, maybe explaining the reason that he doesn't believe what the villagers believe is because he is treated as an outcast, having no known father and a dead mother who left the area for years, and is therefore kinda distant to the village customs.

That doesn't sound plausible at all. You might hate the villagers for treating you as an outcast (but do they? In the bricks, is anyone other than Sloan unpleasant to him?) but the belief system and assumptions you've grown up with are still the only ones you know, and it absolutely does not follow that you will jettison them in favour of, er, nothing. Unless Garrow is a freethinker, and has taught his boys his own ideas, which seems out of character.

[anonymous]

Nice stuff hoping there'll be no troubles with copyright. I could chalk the famous Eragon being well by medieval standards to this not being a history lesson and be dued to Galbatorix being someone who cares about the welfare of his people, which could be mentioned and makes the rebellion even worse.

[syntinen_laulu]

I'm afraid that neither a butcher shop nor a pawn shop is plausible for a medieval-style village.

Years ago I posted here (I have no way of searching for it, though) that medieval peasants don't buy meat from a butcher. They keep their own pig, rabbits, etc and when they want one killed they do the job themselves. They don't typically eat a lot of meat anyway: one pig turned into bacon, ham, salami, souse etc will keep them going for months. (I liked that you have Eragon wanting money to buy farm tools, not 'roasts and steaks', which it would never occur to a peasant farmer to want!) There would only be professional butchers and butchers' shops in a town, where the population don't have their own livestock. And peasants from the surrounding countryside sell their animals to these butchers to sell meat to the townsfolk; they don't buy meat from them

[syntinen_laulu]

One other thing I'd like to suggest a fix for: the idea that Eragon goes all the way to the Spine, two day's journey each way, just to hunt for meat simply doesn't make a lick of sense. It's just not credible that there are no edible wild animals or birds at the very least in the vicinity of his home; after a full day's work on the farm he could take his bow in the evening and knock down some pigeons as they come home to roost, or set some snares and find rabbits or hares in them next morning. Waltzing off for the best part of a week leaving the other two to do all the work is just a selfish jaunt. The more so as he takes no pack animal, so if he does kill something large like a deer he won't be able to carry the whole thing home, only a few prime cuts. He'd do better, if he's not needed on the farm, to hire himself out to a better-off farmer as a day labourer