Eragon Rewrite chapter 2

[ultramega10]

Well here we have chapter 2.

[Spoiler (click to open)]Chapter Two: Palancar ValleyA deer had been through this meadow half an hour before. Or so Eragon guessed from the tracks as he kneeled there, bow clutched in one hand. She’d walked for miles with a limp and neither wolf or bear had yet caught her. He was actually impressed

Comments

[anonymous]

I liked it. A nice way of introducing Eragon, his family, the village, and Sloan. And yes, I agree that making Sloan a pawn shop owner makes much more sense when it comes to Eragon trying to sell the "stone". I also really liked how you introduced a religious belief with the earth and the river spirits.
However, I have some suggestions for minor changes to the text:

1. "With a curse ... explosion, notching another arrow just in case."
It should be "nocking another arrow".
2. "The sun rose the next morning to bath the world in its lake with unusual brightness for the spine."
It should be "to bathe", and I'm not sure what you mean by "bathing the world in its lake".
3. "He walked by a rough game trail that had been forged by animals."
I suggest to cut the word "game".
4. "And as he pressed on the next day it became steadily colder over the next day and a half."
I suggest changing it to "And as he pressed on, it became steadily colder over the next day and a half."
5. "who visited Carvahall every spring and winter."
Wouldn't "every spring and autumn" be better?
Travelling in winter with snow around is something merchants tried to avoid.
Depending on the snowfall and the resulting road conditions, merchant traffic might actually have come
to a complete stop during winter. Especially mountain passes were often closed due to snow. Even
nowadays many passes through, e.g., the Alps are closed during winter.
6. "It was ten miles from Carvahall,"
I think this distance is a bit far. The preferred walking speed for humans is ~5.0 km/h (3.1 mph).
At that speed it would take Eragon ~3 hours to walk home from Carvahall.
7. "All save Garrow. He and Marian had dwelled here with their son."
When reading this my immediate question was "Why did they stay?"
8. "It took only a moment for Eragon to explain his argument with Sloan. “I just don’t understand what
angered him so.”"
I don't really get why this is here: There wasn't any argument between Eragon and Sloan, and Sloan didn't
come across as being angry either. Instead he came across as being grumpy because he was disturbed by
Eragon at closing time.
9. "He touched it one more time, then hurried to the main room, ..."
This left me wondering: where did he leave the stone?
Maybe change it to "He touched it one more time and replaced it, then hurried to the main room,"

Anon - 4.
.

[cmdrnemo]

I'm going to argue against cutting the word "game". A game trail is a very different thing from a trail when one is hunting in the woods. A place as seldom tread as the spine is supposed to be will have a good many trails throughout. Most marked with trees like this:

Where a game trail looks more like:

[syntinen_laulu]

I think the point is that either you just say "game trail" or, if you think not all your readers will know what that is, "trail beaten/created by animals"; a combination of both is tautological. (And "forged" is definitely a bit off; it implies intent and a single vigorous bout of activity.)

[cmdrnemo]

fair point

[anonymous]

Yes, that is what I meant. The fact that Eragon walked along it implied to me that the trail is passable by humans, and thus, it looks like the path in the second picture. I chose to keep " ... that had been forged by animals" to emphasize that Eragon is in the wilderness and that the trail is used (and maintained) by all kinds of animals. Game is a term associated with (sport-)hunting by humans, and it is, thus, a bit out of place in a wilderness that is avoided by almost all humans.

Forged didn't bother me all that much, but, yes, beaten or created work much better.

Anon - 4.
.

[vorpal_tongue]

I'm not sure what you mean by "bathing the world in its lake".

Basically, they mean the sun put the world in a lake and bathed it.

[ultramega10]

I meant to write "bathing the world in its light."

[vorpal_tongue]

I actually figured you meant 'bathed in its wake'. My response is just me being sarcastic, though I wouldn't mind a story about a sun that bathed worlds in its own personal lake.