[chuuka]
by go_hedgehog
and someday you will be a real boy
The title is a quote from the movie Pinoccio (1940). The full quote goes ' Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday you will be a real boy.'
1
It all begins the day Hikaru and Akari break into the attic and a strange man clad in a flowing white junihito appears from the goban that his grandfather has hidden there.
Hikaru takes him home. It seems the simplest course of action when dealing with a Heian era time traveller who is begging to play Go.
His mother yells at him. For once, he might actually deserve it.
- - - - -
The next day, when Hikaru leaves for school, Sai has not vanished. He is sleeping in the guest room, curled up on the futon. When Hikaru returns in the afternoon, he is still there, but no longer asleep. Instead, he's sitting cross-legged in front of the goban which he insisted on taking when he left the attic. There are no stones, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. His eyes are closed, his forehead creased in deep contemplation. He's carefully touching the side of the goban with his left hand.
Hikaru watches him for a while. Sai looks serene and serious, like this is his place in the world, like there is no other place he would rather be. He feels himself shiver. He has never seen anyone look that intense before. When Sai glances up at him and catches him staring, Hikaru puts his arms behind his head, ignores the flush that climbs to his face and asks, "What are you doing?"
Sai gives him an excited smile. He says, "Do you want to learn?" He's holding up his fan, pointing it at Hikaru. His eyes are shining with joy at just being here, at being allowed to exist.
Hikaru looks at the lines criss-crossing the wooden surface. Everything is so quiet in this room, only the distant clatter from the kitchen echoing inside, where his mother is making dinner. He tends to be easily bored; he has no patience for games like these. But something is calling to him from the board, and in truth, he has nothing better to do. He rolls his eyes at himself and sits down opposite Sai. "If you bore me to death, I'll come back and haunt you," he threatens.
Sai looks dismayed at the idea that Go could be boring to anyone and once he explains the intricacies in an enthusiastic, gentle voice, Hikaru starts to understand.
The next time Hikaru visits his grandfather, he steals the two go kes filled with black and white stones that had been stored with the goban up in the attic. When he places them in front of Sai, silent tears run down Sai's face.
Watching him, Hikaru feels a sheet of warmth over his skin, covering him from head to toe. That day, Hikaru practices to lay the stones as Sai does until he can do it.
Then they play.
- - - - -
2
Sai insists on going to a Go salon so he can practice with other opponents. He has been staying in the guest room for three days, and Hikaru can tell that his parents are getting restless. His mother has found some clothes for Sai to wear, and they fit him nicely, but with his long hair and outlandishly painted face, he still looks out of place wherever they go. He looks out of place at home, too.
There is another problem: Sai cannot do anything but play Go.
"It is what I did in my previous lives, and it's what I will be doing here," he says when Hikaru tells him he should get a job.
"It's not that easy," Hikaru replies, sitting down to let Sai teach him more.
He's proven wrong that very afternoon.
- - - - -
The salon is pleasantly heated when they enter, cozy coming inside from the cold December air. There are more people in the salon than Hikaru would have expected; some turn their heads to give the strangers curious looks.
"There's no one close to our age," Hikaru complains. "Go is such an old man's game."
Sai is not listening. He leans over the counter, his eyes shining with excitement, and says, "Who is the best player here? Can I play the best one?"
The girl looks half-annoyed, half-amused. Sai tends to have that effect on women. Hikaru wonders what it is about him - why his mother let Sai stay, and why Akari likes him so much; why his teacher didn't mind when Sai came to pick him up from school earlier. Maybe it is the hair, Hikaru ponders, and ignores that Sai makes him feel, too: powerful and safe at the same time, whenever they play Go together.
Then Hikaru notices the boy in the backroom, sitting by himself. They must be the same age, but the boy is trying his hardest to look like an adult with his suit and the pageboy haircut. Hikaru gives him a small smile, hoping they can chat or even play each other while Sai decimates the best player in the salon. In response, the boy's huge eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles back. Hikaru's heart jumps in his chest, and he feels his face grow hot.
When Akira comes to the front, curious and polite, the girl at the counter says, "Akira-kun, this man is looking for a challenge. He's asked for the best player in the salon. Do you want to play him?"
Hikaru's world tilts.
"Sure," Akira says, and gives Sai an once-over. Their eyes meet.
Hikaru watches as they size each other up. A strange sensation coils in his stomach. It's like they know each other already, like they're talking on another level that Hikaru can't access. He feels overcome with the sudden desire to hit Sai, to tell him to vanish to wherever he came from. This isn't fair.
"It's 500 yen for children, and 1000 for adults," the girl reminds them.
"I'm not paying for you," Hikaru snaps at Sai, but Akira's already holding up a hand.
"It's all right. You can give them a break, can't you?" he asks the girl, and it seems Sai's not the only one able to wrap women around his little finger.
Hikaru watches them retreat to the goban in the back room, and follows slowly, loneliness creeping up his throat. He has trouble swallowing.
- - - - -
Sai beats Akira - Touya Akira, as he introduces himself. It's not by much, Hikaru can tell it's a small margin, but it takes merely half an hour, and afterwards Akira stares at the goban in shock, unblinking.
"It was a good game," Sai offers. He looks like a cat that's just cleaned out a bowl of cream. "You're an incredible player."
"Who are you?" Akira asks tonelessly. Hikaru wants nothing more than to take his hands, which are clenched to fists, and tell him the truth.
"I am Fujiwarano Sai," Sai says. "I will remember your name, too."
- - - - -
"Are you satisfied now?" Hikaru asks him when they walk through the park to go back home. "He was just my age; no way could he be as good as you are at this stupid game! You almost made him cry."
Sai gives him a surprised look. "Don't confuse his age and his strength at Go. He is extraordinary. He will be one of the best in no time. This was but a small stumble on his path to greatness. When we play again, he'll have improved. I look forward to playing Go with him next time. He's a worthy opponent."
Hikaru stares after him when Sai continues on his way. The suit looks strange on his narrow frame, but there is a bounce in his step now that was not there before.
Hikaru runs after him and catches up. "Teach me," he demands, fire in his belly as he thinks of the look Akira gave Sai. "Teach me to be as good as him. Better than him." Teach me, so he'll look at me that way, he doesn't say. After that first smile, Akira did not give him a single glance.
When they get home he doesn't study for his Math test. Instead, he goes into the guest room and lets Sai patiently explain as they play.
- - - - -
3
Sai moves out and into his own apartment a few days after the match against Akira. In the Go class with Shirakawa-sensei, he has shown his strength and is invited to help out. He starts teaching on his own as well. He is invited to Go salons where players stake money. He learns to survive in the world as it is now. When he hears that he can make a living being a Pro, he makes plans to take the Pro exams in the summer.
Hikaru goes to as many of Sai's classes and matches as he can, but suddenly, Sai is incredibly busy. They hardly ever talk anymore. After a while, Sai stops coming to Hikaru's house to teach him, and then he's no longer paying attention to Hikaru at all, caught up in his own life.
It hurts, and Hikaru flounders; he has no idea what else to do, so he decides to go back to the salon where Akira plays. He doesn't know what he expects to find there. Maybe it's a test. Or maybe he's trying to prove something to himself.
In any case, when Akira sees him, he immediately heads over and invites him to play. But after only a few hands, Hikaru can tell he's growing bored. Hikaru tries to play better and instead makes rash, stupid moves that tip Akira's mood from boredom into disdain. Akira doesn't say it - but he doesn't need to. 'I expected better from Sai's student' is written all over his expression when they bow and thank each other for the game.
Hikaru doesn't go back. Akira is not looking at him at all, only searching for Sai, trying to reach Sai, only Sai, all anyone ever talks about.
"I hate you!" Hikaru finds himself screaming at Sai one evening, ashamed of both the unexpected outburst and his breaking voice. "You've destroyed everything."
He has caught Sai coming home and they are standing in the stairway on the landing by Sai's apartment door. Hikaru's fists are clenched with anger and confusion and hurt. Just a few weeks ago, his life was easy and directionless, floating along like a leaf in the wind. Now he needs to do this more than he has needed anything else in his life and it's all Sai's fault.
Sai looks at him for a long time, watches him pant and try to catch his breath. His eyes are mild, filled with apology. "I'm sorry," he says. "Hikaru... please come inside?"
Hikaru gives in and follows. The apartment is clean and contains the bare minimum of what one needs for living: a tiny kitchen, a bathroom, and a single room, which holds a sleeping mat and Shuusaku's goban standing in the midst of it all. Hikaru hesitates before sitting down on one side. Sai sits down on the other.
They're silent until Sai says, "Do you know what the Hand of God is?"
"No," Hikaru says. It is one in a long row of Go-related things he has no clue about. But he wants to learn, desperately, thirstily. All he needs is a teacher, and Sai - by just existing, it's like Sai has promised.
"It's what every good Go player strives for, the perfect play, a game of Go between two players of the highest level. Two players."
"And that's what you're looking for? That game?"
"Yes, that. And the person to play it with."
Hikaru stares at the goban, stomach dropping. "I thought we were friends," he finally says, because what he can't say is, I thought I could be that person.
Sai reaches for the go ke. "I was playing Go," he says, and really, that is all the excuse he needs. "But you're right. I shouldn't - I'm sorry."
Hikaru doesn't move for his go ke and Sai's shoulders slump.
"I need to catch up to Touya Akira," Hikaru says finally, when the silence threatens to become unbearable. It's the only thing he can think of, now that Sai's moved beyond his reach. "But I can't do it alone."
"We will play," Sai promises and moves a strand of hair from his face before taking a handful of stones.
They nigiri. Hikaru doesn't look at the time even though his mother will scold him for coming home late.
- - - - -
Hikaru passes the insei test a few weeks later. On his first day at the Institute, someone reveals that he's Sai's pupil. Hikaru had no idea that Sai is so well known already, but Waya, whom he remembers seeing on the day of his test, brings him a copy of Go Weekly and shows him an article. "It's not the only one," he says. "I've got most copies of Go Weekly, and in the past months, there's always a mention of Fujiwarano-san somewhere. People are intrigued by him."
"Why?" Hikaru asks.
"He's brilliant," Waya says, like it's obvious. "People are calling him the modern-day Shuusaku. He plays old joseki sometimes, just like people did back then."
"Right."
"Waya," another boy chides gently. He's tall, solemn-looking and a few years older. "Stop pestering Shindou-kun. He's come here to play, not so you can ask him to get you autographs of your idol."
"I'm not asking for autographs," Waya protests. "Shindou!"
Hikaru's already moving off to sit down at a goban. He's no longer interested in the conversation. He stares at the pattern before him, eyes swimming, and wonders if that's how it's going to be from now on. If he'll never have his own name; if he'll never be remembered as Shindou Hikaru, always as Sai's pupil.
When his opponent sits down opposite him and bows, he shakes it off and thinks, No. He'll do this. He might not be as good as Sai, but Sai wasn't born with perfect Go either. He's going to learn, and then he's going to reach the Hand of God.
- - - - -
The first time Sai sees Touya Meijin play is on a program on TV. Hikaru notices how wide Sai's eyes grow as they watch the easy comfort of the stones taking shape, and he knows that Sai has found something precious.
Late spring, Sai starts getting requests to play with and teach beginner-dans. There is no word from the Touya family, but Hikaru knows it's only a matter of time until Sai will get to play the Meijin. As months pass, Hikaru slowly climbs up spot after spot at the Institute. And in October, the Pro examinations start.
When Hikaru looks at the examination list, he finds Sai's name easily. The other name that jumps out at him, freezing him in place, is Touya Akira.
He had no idea, and his lip trembles when he realizes that he's missed his chance to play his rival. He didn't even put his own name on the list for the prelims, thinking he wouldn't manage after only a few months at the Institute. He's not in First Class yet, has never beaten Waya or Honda, never mind Isumi.
Next year, he resolves, pushing down the disappointment and frustration. Next year he'll pass, he'll follow Touya as he makes his way up the Pro ranks. He'll catch up to him, and then Touya will have to acknowledge him.
- - - - -
Sai doesn't lose a single game and forces almost all of his opponents to resign before yose. Isumi puts up the best fight, while Akira is crushed under a never-ending onslaught of attacks, almost as if Sai is trying to prove a point. After the game, Akira jumps up and runs out of the room with tear-brimmed eyes. Sai looks at the board, compassion warring with necessity.
Hikaru only catches the last few hands of their game; his matches against Fukui are always fast-paced, but Sai's game must have been over even quicker. It has only been an hour and forty minutes.
Hikaru is not the only one who was curious to see the Sai vs Touya game, but he is the only one to leave immediately after it's over. He doesn't listen to the post-game discussion that Sai always offers to observers. He usually stays for it, but today he wants something different.
Touya Akira is in the men's room, hands on the sink. The running water is echoing loudly in the tiled space, covering the harsh intakes of breath. Hikaru watches Akira's shoulders rise and fall. Only when Akira straightens does he notice Hikaru behind him, catching his gaze in the mirror.
Hikaru says, "You're chasing a ghost," and Akira's eyes widen in surprise.
He catches himself, narrows them and says, "I remember you."
"You should," Hikaru says, his voice hard and relentless. "If you keep looking only at him, I'll pass you by eventually."
Akira's gaze is sharp. He doesn't say anything though, just snorts in disbelief and brushes past Hikaru on his way out of the bathroom.
- - - - -
On the evening before his first Pro match, Sai visits Hikaru at home. He's back to wearing his junihito - a trademark already, just like Touya Meijin's kimono. His fan is ever-present and he only puts it down to place a stone on the goban.
They play one game, then a second. They don't speak until Sai says, "I'm a selfish person."
Hikaru doesn't say he isn't, but he doesn't say he is either, because despite everything, Sai is still sitting on the carpet in Hikaru's room, teaching him the best Go Hikaru will ever have the chance to play.
"You've improved," Sai comments when they finish the second game.
Hikaru has been finding a sensation within lately that he hasn't told anyone about, like he's part of a huge universe of stars, and every stone he puts onto the board is a creation in itself. He's been winning all his matches at the Institute, reading deeper than ever.
He feels a rush of pride at the praise and gives Sai a smile and a laugh. "I know," he says. "I'm beating Waya now. I'll pass the Pro exams this year for sure."
Sai smiles, too, but it is tinged with sadness and confusion, almost as if he's missing something and can't quite figure out what.
- - - - -
Hikaru loses his first match at the Young Lion's Tournament. He wanted to win so badly, knew his next opponent would be Akira, that he could finally show the other boy how much he's improved, that he could be his rival - but it's not meant to be. When he slumps back into his seat, defeated, and looks around the room, he sees that everyone who's finished is standing around Sai's table, watching his game. For a moment, he wonders if he should get up and join. It must be a beautiful game, to attract so much attention. Sai hardly ever plays anything less than his best.
He decides not to - not today. Later, he will go by Sai's apartment and ask about the rest of the tournament. He's fairly sure he knows what the finale will be, and he can't stand the thought of Akira and Sai sitting opposite each other, playing each other, forgetting the rest of the world.
When he turns to get his backpack, Hikaru realizes Akira's standing behind him, looking at the board over Hikaru's shoulder.
Their eyes meet. Akira's cheeks flush and he turns away, lips pressed into a thin line.
Hikaru's heart is beating so fast, he's afraid it'll jump out of his chest. He has to exhale a long breath to calm down, and wonders what Akira saw on his board that he himself couldn't see; he wonders if he'll ever be able to make Akira look his way for more than a second.
- - - - -
4
"I'm glad I won't have to go to high school," Hikaru tells Akari at the end of the summer. They're sitting on the swings in the playground not far from their houses, swinging back and forth in the autumn breeze.
He has passed the Pro Exams; it wasn't easy, but considering that Sai has been spending less time teaching him lately, Hikaru thinks he can be proud of himself.
Everyone thinks he's only so good because Sai is his teacher; that he's been practicing with Sai for a lot longer than he actually has. Hikaru has stopped correcting their assumptions. Just a handful of people know: Waya and Isumi do - they asked him once over lunch and he's not going to lie. After they found out, they started taking him to Go salons around Tokyo so he could get more practice with a broader variety of people. Akari knows, of course. And Sai knows.
Sometimes he wishes - but it doesn't matter. He will catch up to Akira soon, and then it won't matter what was in the past. Akira will look at him and see that there's more to Hikaru than Sai.
"I'd like see you play sometime," Akari tells him. She's smiling sadly. "Since we won't see each other much from now on."
"If you want," Hikaru says. He's not going to admit it, but inside, he knows that every bit of support will help.
When her face lights up, he remembers that he sometimes thinks of kissing her, wonders what it would be like. She'd like that, he knows. But sometimes, he thinks of kissing Akira, their faces close, feeling Akira's fingers on his stomach, burning patterns on his skin; and she wouldn't like that at all.
"You've changed so much," Akari says when they finally head home. It's chilly and she's shivering from the cold wind. Fallen leaves from the trees are stuck in her hair. It makes him laugh and she gives him a surprised smile. "I haven't seen you laugh in a while."
Hikaru stop laughing and shrugs.
"It was Sai, wasn't it." Akari's mouth turns down at the corners. She wraps her arms around herself and suppresses another shiver. "When he appeared, you became so serious, so intense." She pauses. "I hope you can be happy with this. Playing Go. Does it make you happy?"
Hikaru thinks, No. Not yet. He says, "At least, I don't have to go to high school."
Akari rolls her eyes at him and cuffs his side with her elbow. He's grown so much that she can't reach him anymore.
- - - - -
The award ceremony is long and boring. Sai wins most of the newcomer awards and everyone claps and congratulates him. He is well-liked for his sharp, intelligent play and his care and respect for his opponents and for the game of Go itself. Hikaru watches him as he beams and bows and accepts the praise with grace, and can't feel resentment even though he can't quite suppress the jealousy.
"He's amazing," Waya gushes by his side. "He's completely out of this world."
"Careful," Hikaru says sharper than he intended. "Your eyes will turn into big, pulsing hearts."
Waya raises his eyebrows and smirks. "You've been staring at Touya all night. You're hardly one to talk."
"I hate him," Hikaru informs his friend and turns around to take off. He has only come here to be awarded his Pro title. He's not sure what else he's waiting for. His suit doesn't fit him at all, and he's never been comfortable in stuffy settings as this.
Later, Sai finds him at the playground, sitting on the swing, staring into emptiness. Sai seems to have a sixth sense for finding him whenever Hikaru wants to be left alone. He sits down on the ground, never caring that he'll dirty his robe. "I would have liked to request you for your Shin Shodan game," he tells Hikaru. "But sadly, it's impossible."
Sai has won all of his Pro games, a long streak of successes, but he hasn't entered any of the title challenges. Hikaru's not sure why Sai's waiting. They both know playing Touya Meijin is what he's striving for.
"Why don't you just challenge him?" Hikaru asks, swinging back and forth, back and forth. His feet scrape the ground.
Sai smiles up at him. "Why don't you just challenge Akira?"
"That's different! I'm not good enough yet. I couldn't have, without being a pro. He would have laughed at me." Hikaru glares when Sai makes a sound like a chuckle. "Anyway, it's you he's always thinking of."
"Maybe," Sai says. "Maybe not for much longer."
They sit in silence until Hikaru jumps off the swing and says, "Come on, then. I want a game. I've learned since last time."
"Yes. It's been a while for us," Sai says philosophically and gets up off the ground. "I'm looking forward to it."
- - - - -
In January, Hikaru plays his Shin Shodan game against Touya Kouyo. When he sits down opposite the Meijin, his head feels light and empty, but he has no time to worry about it because his fingers are already placing the first stone.
The whole game passes like a dream, like he's not in possession of his own body. Stone after stone fall onto the board, and it becomes his creation, a beautiful shape of white and black and light and shadows. There is deep, dark silence around him, engulfing him, and for the first time ever, he feels complete.
He wins by two and a half moku.
A wave of people descends upon him when he leaves the Room of Profound Darkness, but the silence does not leave his head for hours. Sai sits with him in his room afterwards, quietly by his side, and he does not need to say a word; Hikaru sees without looking at him that something has shifted and changed.
- - - - -
5
Hikaru's first Pro game is scheduled for a day in April. It's sunny and warm, and cherry blossoms cover the street on his way to the Institute. He's been preparing for this game for weeks. Sai has been keeping his distance, so Hikaru has replayed most of Akira's official kifu by himself - futile attempts to regain that calm sensation that had put his name in the focus of the Go world at the beginning of the year.
In the morning, when Hikaru - careful of the minefield still so volatile between them - asks Sai if he would like to come along, Sai declines. They haven't played a game since January, and though Sai is winning his Pro games just as he was before, most of them are lacking.
Hikaru cannot stop wondering what he did wrong, why Sai is acting so strange; he misses their daily games, their discussions, the sheer magnitude of knowledge Sai shared with him. He misses his friend. But he also has his last months of school before he can finally move on. He has his own Go games which he has to concentrate on. Waya has invited him to his study group. Hikaru plays hours every day, with people from the salons and other Pros. And he knows that after this game, he will have one more person to play with - the one he's wanted to play with most of all.
When he walks through the doors of the institute, his stomach flutters. His mouth feels dry when he thinks of everything that can happen today.
- - - - -
It's a win by default. After Hikaru is notified of the reason why Touya Akira is not coming, he calls Sai.
"That was quick," Sai says in greeting. He sounds cautious, but curious. "How was the game?"
"There was no game," Hikaru tells him. "Touya's father had a heart attack, he's at the hospital." His brain feels numb, like he's not yet done processing the information. He can't imagine what Akira must be feeling.
Sai draws in a sharp breath. He has entered the Meijin, Gosei, Ouza and Tengen prelims this year, just for the chance to play a title match against his rival. It was supposed to be the height of the competition, a series of perfect joseki spread over multiple matches. It was supposed to finally lead them to the Hand of God.
"We'll figure something out," Hikaru promises.
Sai is silent, but Hikaru knows that if he were able to see, there would be gratitude in every line of Sai's face.
- - - - -
The hospital smells of disinfectants and too much cleaning product. Everything's white, and the nurses and doctors are hurried. Hikaru asks for the room number and they are sent upstairs. Sai initially protested and didn't want to come here, but now that they're here, he looks determined.
"I'll go in by myself," he says as they reach the room. "Maybe he won't be too well."
Hikaru wants to protest - it was his idea, why is Sai shutting him out again? - but when the door opens and Akira steps out, his protest dies on his lips.
"Fujiwarano-sensei," Akira says, surprised, and takes a bow. Then realization dawns and he adds, "Father is feeling better. You may go inside if you wish. He'll be glad of some company."
Sai smiles at him, making Akira's face burn. "Thank you, Touya-kun." He opens the door and slips inside without a backward glance.
Hikaru straightens his shoulders when Akira's gaze falls on him. "Right. Of course, you're here, too," Akira says.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Hikaru asks defensively.
"Nothing."
They stare at each other. Hikaru starts to wonder why he's the only one Akira is ever rude to. He does watch the other boy whenever he can get away with it, and Akira is always perfectly polite, always poised and half-smiling even when he gets that far-away look in his eyes when someone bores him half to death.
"I replayed your game," Akira breaks up the hostile staring contest.
Hikaru blinks and forgets to gloat that he's won this one, because, "What?"
"The game you played against my father."
Hikaru crosses his arms in front of his chest. "What about it?"
Akira narrows his eyes at the deceptively casual tone of Hikaru's voice. "Your move into 12-10 that early in the game was pure madness! If you'd gone for a yosu-miru in the top right corner, you could have claimed more territory there in the endgame."
"It was meant as a diversion. Can't help that it didn't work out the way I'd planned, can I?"
"There's no way any experienced player will fall for a diversion that blatant, Shindou, don't be an idiot -"
"I won, didn't I? So you can just shut up with your know-it-all attitude -"
"Winning that one game does not mean you should just rest on your success. And anyhow, there is no way you'll win without the reverse komi if you play insane moves like that Hane on 3-15!"
"What is going on out here?" Ogata asks, stepping out of the Meijin's room. He looks at Akira in surprise. "Why are you yelling? This is a hospital. There are ill people here who are trying to get some rest."
Akira flushes with embarrassment at the fact that he's been caught out in the middle of a squabble.
"Weren't you supposed to find a nurse about your father's lunch?"
"I'm sorry. I was distracted when Fujiwarano-san and Shindou showed up."
"Who cares about that," Hikaru interrupts them, flapping his hand. "Is Sai talking to Touya Meijin in there? Can I go inside?"
Ogata-san holds the door open for him. "I think they've started a game. Go on. I'm sure it'll be more interesting than standing around in the hallway. Akira?"
"I'll go talk to the nurse and then come back to watch, too," Akira says to nobody in particular.
Hikaru glares.
"Good," Ogata says, looking amused by their antics. "And make sure you don't yell at anyone else along your way. It's not good manners."
- - - - -
The game is inspired, but there is no changing the fact that it's merely a practice game. In the end, Sai loses by half a moku, and Hikaru can see in his face that this was not the game he's been looking for. Still, there is potential, and the Meijin is not blind to it.
"I have been hearing about you everywhere recently," he says to Sai as they clear the board. "It is not an exaggeration, what I've been told about your skill."
Sai inclines his head. "The stakes will be real, the next time we play."
Touya Kouyo looks surprised at this. "You will not come to study sessions? You - and of course your student, Shindou-kun - are always welcome to join."
"Thank you," Sai says, but does not accept or decline the offer. "We will play again soon."
Out of the hospital, Hikaru looks at him, confused and a little disappointed.
"Next time, it will be a real game," Sai says softly, almost like he's talking to himself. "I will win, and we will reach the Hand of God together."
There is something desperate about the way he says it, like it is sand that is slipping through his fingers, like he cannot hold onto it, no matter how hard he tries.
- - - - -
There is a sense of deep awkwardness between them as they walk in the direction of Hikaru's home. Sai doesn't seem to be heading back to his own apartment, and Hikaru doesn't want to remind him; he's missed this too much. They've known each other two and a half years. It feels like he has spent half this time playing Go with Sai.
"I don't have much longer," Sai says suddenly. As always, his clothes attract a lot of attention on the street, but Sai has never been one to notice the curious looks thrown his way. Hikaru kicks a stone to the side of the street and ignores everyone else. They don't matter.
"Don't be morbid," he says. "Touya's father won't die so soon. You're in the Tengen finals - you'll win all your matches, and then you'll be his challenger for the Tengen title."
"I will be," Sai murmurs. He doesn't sound sure.
He stays with Hikaru that evening and for the time they're together, it feels like it did in the beginning, just the two of them facing each other over the goban, stones clicking with each move.
- - - - -
1
Hikaru wakes up the next morning to an open window and a warm summer breeze. He walks downstairs into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and sits down at the breakfast table. His mother is awake already; she looks at him strangely.
"What?" he asks when he notices.
"Nothing," she replies, putting a bowl in front of him. "It's just unusual for you to get up this early on a Saturday morning."
"I have a study session later," Hikaru tells her. He's been getting up at this hour every Saturday morning for the past year. Maybe she's developing onset memory loss.
"Study session?" his mother asks surprised, and then smiles and ruffles his hair. "Has Akari-chan finally worn you down after all? That's nice."
Hikaru pushes her hand away and rolls his eyes, but doesn't correct her. If she can't be bothered to remember it right, he certainly won't tell her again.
- - - - -
He tries calling Sai, but Sai doesn't pick up the phone. He tries again and again, but there's no answer. Sai sleeps with his phone close by, and always answers on the second ring. The phone is the only technological advancement he has taken to. So Hikaru takes a detour on his way to Morishita-sensei's house and drops by at Sai's apartment.
No one answers when he rings the bell at the front of the apartment complex, but a lady with a toddler on her arm exits and he catches the door to get in. Upstairs, the entrance door to the apartment isn't locked. Hikaru pushes it open only to reveal an empty room. The wooden panels shine in the morning light that falls in through the window. There is no sight of Sai's sleeping mat, or the goban. When he steps closer to the kitchen counters, he sees a film of dust on the appliances, at least a few weeks old.
Something's wrong, he thinks, and ignores the heavy sensation of his heart dropping to his stomach. Sai has to be all right. Sai will be fine, Sai is fine. He's just... moved. Without telling Hikaru. Maybe he forgot.
No one recognizes Hikaru at the Institute, and Sai is not there; nor is he at Hikaru's house when he goes back to check. When his phone rings, Hikaru throws himself at it like it's his last lifeline. But it's only Akari, who yells at him, "Where are you, you jerk? We were all waiting for you at the pool entrance, and you didn't show up. You didn't even call to say you weren't coming!"
Hikaru stares at the white-washed wall opposite and ignores her excited chatter about the new water park that has opened downtown and all its cool new features. He asks, "Have you seen Sai?"
"What? What's Sai? - Hikaru? Hikaru!"
Hikaru hangs up on her. Then he runs out of the house and towards the train station.
- - - - -
The salon is exactly as Hikaru remembers it, with its big, bright letters up front, and the posters on the door informing about the newest Go tournaments and competitions. There is one for the Amateur World Championship, and one for a children's tournament. Hikaru pushes inside and walks right up towards the back, ignoring Harumi-san's cheerful "Good morning!"
Seeing Akira in the same setting as almost three years ago makes him, not for the first time, notice all the differences about the other boy. His face has lost its baby fat, replaced by sharp, even angles. His neck is long and slender, and so is his figure, lean and fitting nicely into his tailored suit.
There's something about his eyes that's wrong though, something that Hikaru has never seen in them before: a burning despair. That bright spark of passion that Hikaru remembers so well, because he has always wanted Akira to direct it at him - it's gone, replaced by exhaustion.
"Touya," he says sharply, just loud enough for him to hear without notifying the whole salon to his presence.
Akira glances up from the goban. He's been placing stones from a kifu, playing with himself. Now he takes in Hikaru's form, eyes travelling up and down before they come to rest on his face. He looks lost - no, he looks like he's lost something. Hikaru clenches his hands and thinks, this is impossible.
Sai, he thinks, what have you done? His heart aches so much he wants to pull it out of his own chest. He wants to believe it's just a dream, but inside, he knows it's real.
"Well?" Akira asks, eyes narrowed.
"Well what?"
"What do you want?" Akira asks, annoyed, like he's repeating himself.
Hikaru swallows, breathes out, unclenches his fists. He wants to play. He wants to see if he still can, because no one else seems to remember. For a moment that lasts an eternity, panic clouds his mind, because what if he can't? What if he doesn't remember where to place the stones, how to hold them?
But when he pulls back the chair opposite Akira, sits down, and pulls up the go ke, his fingers close around the stones like he's never done anything else in his life. He looks Akira firmly in the eyes and says, "I'm here to play you."
In Akira's eyes, something like hope flickers to life.
- - - - -
There is nothing that can make Hikaru forget Sai, but the rest of the world has forgotten. Day after day after day, Hikaru plays Go and with his game tells everyone who will listen that he was real.
- - - - -
The End.
- - - - -
and someday you will be a real boy
The title is a quote from the movie Pinoccio (1940). The full quote goes ' Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday you will be a real boy.'
1
It all begins the day Hikaru and Akari break into the attic and a strange man clad in a flowing white junihito appears from the goban that his grandfather has hidden there.
Hikaru takes him home. It seems the simplest course of action when dealing with a Heian era time traveller who is begging to play Go.
His mother yells at him. For once, he might actually deserve it.
- - - - -
The next day, when Hikaru leaves for school, Sai has not vanished. He is sleeping in the guest room, curled up on the futon. When Hikaru returns in the afternoon, he is still there, but no longer asleep. Instead, he's sitting cross-legged in front of the goban which he insisted on taking when he left the attic. There are no stones, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. His eyes are closed, his forehead creased in deep contemplation. He's carefully touching the side of the goban with his left hand.
Hikaru watches him for a while. Sai looks serene and serious, like this is his place in the world, like there is no other place he would rather be. He feels himself shiver. He has never seen anyone look that intense before. When Sai glances up at him and catches him staring, Hikaru puts his arms behind his head, ignores the flush that climbs to his face and asks, "What are you doing?"
Sai gives him an excited smile. He says, "Do you want to learn?" He's holding up his fan, pointing it at Hikaru. His eyes are shining with joy at just being here, at being allowed to exist.
Hikaru looks at the lines criss-crossing the wooden surface. Everything is so quiet in this room, only the distant clatter from the kitchen echoing inside, where his mother is making dinner. He tends to be easily bored; he has no patience for games like these. But something is calling to him from the board, and in truth, he has nothing better to do. He rolls his eyes at himself and sits down opposite Sai. "If you bore me to death, I'll come back and haunt you," he threatens.
Sai looks dismayed at the idea that Go could be boring to anyone and once he explains the intricacies in an enthusiastic, gentle voice, Hikaru starts to understand.
The next time Hikaru visits his grandfather, he steals the two go kes filled with black and white stones that had been stored with the goban up in the attic. When he places them in front of Sai, silent tears run down Sai's face.
Watching him, Hikaru feels a sheet of warmth over his skin, covering him from head to toe. That day, Hikaru practices to lay the stones as Sai does until he can do it.
Then they play.
- - - - -
2
Sai insists on going to a Go salon so he can practice with other opponents. He has been staying in the guest room for three days, and Hikaru can tell that his parents are getting restless. His mother has found some clothes for Sai to wear, and they fit him nicely, but with his long hair and outlandishly painted face, he still looks out of place wherever they go. He looks out of place at home, too.
There is another problem: Sai cannot do anything but play Go.
"It is what I did in my previous lives, and it's what I will be doing here," he says when Hikaru tells him he should get a job.
"It's not that easy," Hikaru replies, sitting down to let Sai teach him more.
He's proven wrong that very afternoon.
- - - - -
The salon is pleasantly heated when they enter, cozy coming inside from the cold December air. There are more people in the salon than Hikaru would have expected; some turn their heads to give the strangers curious looks.
"There's no one close to our age," Hikaru complains. "Go is such an old man's game."
Sai is not listening. He leans over the counter, his eyes shining with excitement, and says, "Who is the best player here? Can I play the best one?"
The girl looks half-annoyed, half-amused. Sai tends to have that effect on women. Hikaru wonders what it is about him - why his mother let Sai stay, and why Akari likes him so much; why his teacher didn't mind when Sai came to pick him up from school earlier. Maybe it is the hair, Hikaru ponders, and ignores that Sai makes him feel, too: powerful and safe at the same time, whenever they play Go together.
Then Hikaru notices the boy in the backroom, sitting by himself. They must be the same age, but the boy is trying his hardest to look like an adult with his suit and the pageboy haircut. Hikaru gives him a small smile, hoping they can chat or even play each other while Sai decimates the best player in the salon. In response, the boy's huge eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles back. Hikaru's heart jumps in his chest, and he feels his face grow hot.
When Akira comes to the front, curious and polite, the girl at the counter says, "Akira-kun, this man is looking for a challenge. He's asked for the best player in the salon. Do you want to play him?"
Hikaru's world tilts.
"Sure," Akira says, and gives Sai an once-over. Their eyes meet.
Hikaru watches as they size each other up. A strange sensation coils in his stomach. It's like they know each other already, like they're talking on another level that Hikaru can't access. He feels overcome with the sudden desire to hit Sai, to tell him to vanish to wherever he came from. This isn't fair.
"It's 500 yen for children, and 1000 for adults," the girl reminds them.
"I'm not paying for you," Hikaru snaps at Sai, but Akira's already holding up a hand.
"It's all right. You can give them a break, can't you?" he asks the girl, and it seems Sai's not the only one able to wrap women around his little finger.
Hikaru watches them retreat to the goban in the back room, and follows slowly, loneliness creeping up his throat. He has trouble swallowing.
- - - - -
Sai beats Akira - Touya Akira, as he introduces himself. It's not by much, Hikaru can tell it's a small margin, but it takes merely half an hour, and afterwards Akira stares at the goban in shock, unblinking.
"It was a good game," Sai offers. He looks like a cat that's just cleaned out a bowl of cream. "You're an incredible player."
"Who are you?" Akira asks tonelessly. Hikaru wants nothing more than to take his hands, which are clenched to fists, and tell him the truth.
"I am Fujiwarano Sai," Sai says. "I will remember your name, too."
- - - - -
"Are you satisfied now?" Hikaru asks him when they walk through the park to go back home. "He was just my age; no way could he be as good as you are at this stupid game! You almost made him cry."
Sai gives him a surprised look. "Don't confuse his age and his strength at Go. He is extraordinary. He will be one of the best in no time. This was but a small stumble on his path to greatness. When we play again, he'll have improved. I look forward to playing Go with him next time. He's a worthy opponent."
Hikaru stares after him when Sai continues on his way. The suit looks strange on his narrow frame, but there is a bounce in his step now that was not there before.
Hikaru runs after him and catches up. "Teach me," he demands, fire in his belly as he thinks of the look Akira gave Sai. "Teach me to be as good as him. Better than him." Teach me, so he'll look at me that way, he doesn't say. After that first smile, Akira did not give him a single glance.
When they get home he doesn't study for his Math test. Instead, he goes into the guest room and lets Sai patiently explain as they play.
- - - - -
3
Sai moves out and into his own apartment a few days after the match against Akira. In the Go class with Shirakawa-sensei, he has shown his strength and is invited to help out. He starts teaching on his own as well. He is invited to Go salons where players stake money. He learns to survive in the world as it is now. When he hears that he can make a living being a Pro, he makes plans to take the Pro exams in the summer.
Hikaru goes to as many of Sai's classes and matches as he can, but suddenly, Sai is incredibly busy. They hardly ever talk anymore. After a while, Sai stops coming to Hikaru's house to teach him, and then he's no longer paying attention to Hikaru at all, caught up in his own life.
It hurts, and Hikaru flounders; he has no idea what else to do, so he decides to go back to the salon where Akira plays. He doesn't know what he expects to find there. Maybe it's a test. Or maybe he's trying to prove something to himself.
In any case, when Akira sees him, he immediately heads over and invites him to play. But after only a few hands, Hikaru can tell he's growing bored. Hikaru tries to play better and instead makes rash, stupid moves that tip Akira's mood from boredom into disdain. Akira doesn't say it - but he doesn't need to. 'I expected better from Sai's student' is written all over his expression when they bow and thank each other for the game.
Hikaru doesn't go back. Akira is not looking at him at all, only searching for Sai, trying to reach Sai, only Sai, all anyone ever talks about.
"I hate you!" Hikaru finds himself screaming at Sai one evening, ashamed of both the unexpected outburst and his breaking voice. "You've destroyed everything."
He has caught Sai coming home and they are standing in the stairway on the landing by Sai's apartment door. Hikaru's fists are clenched with anger and confusion and hurt. Just a few weeks ago, his life was easy and directionless, floating along like a leaf in the wind. Now he needs to do this more than he has needed anything else in his life and it's all Sai's fault.
Sai looks at him for a long time, watches him pant and try to catch his breath. His eyes are mild, filled with apology. "I'm sorry," he says. "Hikaru... please come inside?"
Hikaru gives in and follows. The apartment is clean and contains the bare minimum of what one needs for living: a tiny kitchen, a bathroom, and a single room, which holds a sleeping mat and Shuusaku's goban standing in the midst of it all. Hikaru hesitates before sitting down on one side. Sai sits down on the other.
They're silent until Sai says, "Do you know what the Hand of God is?"
"No," Hikaru says. It is one in a long row of Go-related things he has no clue about. But he wants to learn, desperately, thirstily. All he needs is a teacher, and Sai - by just existing, it's like Sai has promised.
"It's what every good Go player strives for, the perfect play, a game of Go between two players of the highest level. Two players."
"And that's what you're looking for? That game?"
"Yes, that. And the person to play it with."
Hikaru stares at the goban, stomach dropping. "I thought we were friends," he finally says, because what he can't say is, I thought I could be that person.
Sai reaches for the go ke. "I was playing Go," he says, and really, that is all the excuse he needs. "But you're right. I shouldn't - I'm sorry."
Hikaru doesn't move for his go ke and Sai's shoulders slump.
"I need to catch up to Touya Akira," Hikaru says finally, when the silence threatens to become unbearable. It's the only thing he can think of, now that Sai's moved beyond his reach. "But I can't do it alone."
"We will play," Sai promises and moves a strand of hair from his face before taking a handful of stones.
They nigiri. Hikaru doesn't look at the time even though his mother will scold him for coming home late.
- - - - -
Hikaru passes the insei test a few weeks later. On his first day at the Institute, someone reveals that he's Sai's pupil. Hikaru had no idea that Sai is so well known already, but Waya, whom he remembers seeing on the day of his test, brings him a copy of Go Weekly and shows him an article. "It's not the only one," he says. "I've got most copies of Go Weekly, and in the past months, there's always a mention of Fujiwarano-san somewhere. People are intrigued by him."
"Why?" Hikaru asks.
"He's brilliant," Waya says, like it's obvious. "People are calling him the modern-day Shuusaku. He plays old joseki sometimes, just like people did back then."
"Right."
"Waya," another boy chides gently. He's tall, solemn-looking and a few years older. "Stop pestering Shindou-kun. He's come here to play, not so you can ask him to get you autographs of your idol."
"I'm not asking for autographs," Waya protests. "Shindou!"
Hikaru's already moving off to sit down at a goban. He's no longer interested in the conversation. He stares at the pattern before him, eyes swimming, and wonders if that's how it's going to be from now on. If he'll never have his own name; if he'll never be remembered as Shindou Hikaru, always as Sai's pupil.
When his opponent sits down opposite him and bows, he shakes it off and thinks, No. He'll do this. He might not be as good as Sai, but Sai wasn't born with perfect Go either. He's going to learn, and then he's going to reach the Hand of God.
- - - - -
The first time Sai sees Touya Meijin play is on a program on TV. Hikaru notices how wide Sai's eyes grow as they watch the easy comfort of the stones taking shape, and he knows that Sai has found something precious.
Late spring, Sai starts getting requests to play with and teach beginner-dans. There is no word from the Touya family, but Hikaru knows it's only a matter of time until Sai will get to play the Meijin. As months pass, Hikaru slowly climbs up spot after spot at the Institute. And in October, the Pro examinations start.
When Hikaru looks at the examination list, he finds Sai's name easily. The other name that jumps out at him, freezing him in place, is Touya Akira.
He had no idea, and his lip trembles when he realizes that he's missed his chance to play his rival. He didn't even put his own name on the list for the prelims, thinking he wouldn't manage after only a few months at the Institute. He's not in First Class yet, has never beaten Waya or Honda, never mind Isumi.
Next year, he resolves, pushing down the disappointment and frustration. Next year he'll pass, he'll follow Touya as he makes his way up the Pro ranks. He'll catch up to him, and then Touya will have to acknowledge him.
- - - - -
Sai doesn't lose a single game and forces almost all of his opponents to resign before yose. Isumi puts up the best fight, while Akira is crushed under a never-ending onslaught of attacks, almost as if Sai is trying to prove a point. After the game, Akira jumps up and runs out of the room with tear-brimmed eyes. Sai looks at the board, compassion warring with necessity.
Hikaru only catches the last few hands of their game; his matches against Fukui are always fast-paced, but Sai's game must have been over even quicker. It has only been an hour and forty minutes.
Hikaru is not the only one who was curious to see the Sai vs Touya game, but he is the only one to leave immediately after it's over. He doesn't listen to the post-game discussion that Sai always offers to observers. He usually stays for it, but today he wants something different.
Touya Akira is in the men's room, hands on the sink. The running water is echoing loudly in the tiled space, covering the harsh intakes of breath. Hikaru watches Akira's shoulders rise and fall. Only when Akira straightens does he notice Hikaru behind him, catching his gaze in the mirror.
Hikaru says, "You're chasing a ghost," and Akira's eyes widen in surprise.
He catches himself, narrows them and says, "I remember you."
"You should," Hikaru says, his voice hard and relentless. "If you keep looking only at him, I'll pass you by eventually."
Akira's gaze is sharp. He doesn't say anything though, just snorts in disbelief and brushes past Hikaru on his way out of the bathroom.
- - - - -
On the evening before his first Pro match, Sai visits Hikaru at home. He's back to wearing his junihito - a trademark already, just like Touya Meijin's kimono. His fan is ever-present and he only puts it down to place a stone on the goban.
They play one game, then a second. They don't speak until Sai says, "I'm a selfish person."
Hikaru doesn't say he isn't, but he doesn't say he is either, because despite everything, Sai is still sitting on the carpet in Hikaru's room, teaching him the best Go Hikaru will ever have the chance to play.
"You've improved," Sai comments when they finish the second game.
Hikaru has been finding a sensation within lately that he hasn't told anyone about, like he's part of a huge universe of stars, and every stone he puts onto the board is a creation in itself. He's been winning all his matches at the Institute, reading deeper than ever.
He feels a rush of pride at the praise and gives Sai a smile and a laugh. "I know," he says. "I'm beating Waya now. I'll pass the Pro exams this year for sure."
Sai smiles, too, but it is tinged with sadness and confusion, almost as if he's missing something and can't quite figure out what.
- - - - -
Hikaru loses his first match at the Young Lion's Tournament. He wanted to win so badly, knew his next opponent would be Akira, that he could finally show the other boy how much he's improved, that he could be his rival - but it's not meant to be. When he slumps back into his seat, defeated, and looks around the room, he sees that everyone who's finished is standing around Sai's table, watching his game. For a moment, he wonders if he should get up and join. It must be a beautiful game, to attract so much attention. Sai hardly ever plays anything less than his best.
He decides not to - not today. Later, he will go by Sai's apartment and ask about the rest of the tournament. He's fairly sure he knows what the finale will be, and he can't stand the thought of Akira and Sai sitting opposite each other, playing each other, forgetting the rest of the world.
When he turns to get his backpack, Hikaru realizes Akira's standing behind him, looking at the board over Hikaru's shoulder.
Their eyes meet. Akira's cheeks flush and he turns away, lips pressed into a thin line.
Hikaru's heart is beating so fast, he's afraid it'll jump out of his chest. He has to exhale a long breath to calm down, and wonders what Akira saw on his board that he himself couldn't see; he wonders if he'll ever be able to make Akira look his way for more than a second.
- - - - -
4
"I'm glad I won't have to go to high school," Hikaru tells Akari at the end of the summer. They're sitting on the swings in the playground not far from their houses, swinging back and forth in the autumn breeze.
He has passed the Pro Exams; it wasn't easy, but considering that Sai has been spending less time teaching him lately, Hikaru thinks he can be proud of himself.
Everyone thinks he's only so good because Sai is his teacher; that he's been practicing with Sai for a lot longer than he actually has. Hikaru has stopped correcting their assumptions. Just a handful of people know: Waya and Isumi do - they asked him once over lunch and he's not going to lie. After they found out, they started taking him to Go salons around Tokyo so he could get more practice with a broader variety of people. Akari knows, of course. And Sai knows.
Sometimes he wishes - but it doesn't matter. He will catch up to Akira soon, and then it won't matter what was in the past. Akira will look at him and see that there's more to Hikaru than Sai.
"I'd like see you play sometime," Akari tells him. She's smiling sadly. "Since we won't see each other much from now on."
"If you want," Hikaru says. He's not going to admit it, but inside, he knows that every bit of support will help.
When her face lights up, he remembers that he sometimes thinks of kissing her, wonders what it would be like. She'd like that, he knows. But sometimes, he thinks of kissing Akira, their faces close, feeling Akira's fingers on his stomach, burning patterns on his skin; and she wouldn't like that at all.
"You've changed so much," Akari says when they finally head home. It's chilly and she's shivering from the cold wind. Fallen leaves from the trees are stuck in her hair. It makes him laugh and she gives him a surprised smile. "I haven't seen you laugh in a while."
Hikaru stop laughing and shrugs.
"It was Sai, wasn't it." Akari's mouth turns down at the corners. She wraps her arms around herself and suppresses another shiver. "When he appeared, you became so serious, so intense." She pauses. "I hope you can be happy with this. Playing Go. Does it make you happy?"
Hikaru thinks, No. Not yet. He says, "At least, I don't have to go to high school."
Akari rolls her eyes at him and cuffs his side with her elbow. He's grown so much that she can't reach him anymore.
- - - - -
The award ceremony is long and boring. Sai wins most of the newcomer awards and everyone claps and congratulates him. He is well-liked for his sharp, intelligent play and his care and respect for his opponents and for the game of Go itself. Hikaru watches him as he beams and bows and accepts the praise with grace, and can't feel resentment even though he can't quite suppress the jealousy.
"He's amazing," Waya gushes by his side. "He's completely out of this world."
"Careful," Hikaru says sharper than he intended. "Your eyes will turn into big, pulsing hearts."
Waya raises his eyebrows and smirks. "You've been staring at Touya all night. You're hardly one to talk."
"I hate him," Hikaru informs his friend and turns around to take off. He has only come here to be awarded his Pro title. He's not sure what else he's waiting for. His suit doesn't fit him at all, and he's never been comfortable in stuffy settings as this.
Later, Sai finds him at the playground, sitting on the swing, staring into emptiness. Sai seems to have a sixth sense for finding him whenever Hikaru wants to be left alone. He sits down on the ground, never caring that he'll dirty his robe. "I would have liked to request you for your Shin Shodan game," he tells Hikaru. "But sadly, it's impossible."
Sai has won all of his Pro games, a long streak of successes, but he hasn't entered any of the title challenges. Hikaru's not sure why Sai's waiting. They both know playing Touya Meijin is what he's striving for.
"Why don't you just challenge him?" Hikaru asks, swinging back and forth, back and forth. His feet scrape the ground.
Sai smiles up at him. "Why don't you just challenge Akira?"
"That's different! I'm not good enough yet. I couldn't have, without being a pro. He would have laughed at me." Hikaru glares when Sai makes a sound like a chuckle. "Anyway, it's you he's always thinking of."
"Maybe," Sai says. "Maybe not for much longer."
They sit in silence until Hikaru jumps off the swing and says, "Come on, then. I want a game. I've learned since last time."
"Yes. It's been a while for us," Sai says philosophically and gets up off the ground. "I'm looking forward to it."
- - - - -
In January, Hikaru plays his Shin Shodan game against Touya Kouyo. When he sits down opposite the Meijin, his head feels light and empty, but he has no time to worry about it because his fingers are already placing the first stone.
The whole game passes like a dream, like he's not in possession of his own body. Stone after stone fall onto the board, and it becomes his creation, a beautiful shape of white and black and light and shadows. There is deep, dark silence around him, engulfing him, and for the first time ever, he feels complete.
He wins by two and a half moku.
A wave of people descends upon him when he leaves the Room of Profound Darkness, but the silence does not leave his head for hours. Sai sits with him in his room afterwards, quietly by his side, and he does not need to say a word; Hikaru sees without looking at him that something has shifted and changed.
- - - - -
5
Hikaru's first Pro game is scheduled for a day in April. It's sunny and warm, and cherry blossoms cover the street on his way to the Institute. He's been preparing for this game for weeks. Sai has been keeping his distance, so Hikaru has replayed most of Akira's official kifu by himself - futile attempts to regain that calm sensation that had put his name in the focus of the Go world at the beginning of the year.
In the morning, when Hikaru - careful of the minefield still so volatile between them - asks Sai if he would like to come along, Sai declines. They haven't played a game since January, and though Sai is winning his Pro games just as he was before, most of them are lacking.
Hikaru cannot stop wondering what he did wrong, why Sai is acting so strange; he misses their daily games, their discussions, the sheer magnitude of knowledge Sai shared with him. He misses his friend. But he also has his last months of school before he can finally move on. He has his own Go games which he has to concentrate on. Waya has invited him to his study group. Hikaru plays hours every day, with people from the salons and other Pros. And he knows that after this game, he will have one more person to play with - the one he's wanted to play with most of all.
When he walks through the doors of the institute, his stomach flutters. His mouth feels dry when he thinks of everything that can happen today.
- - - - -
It's a win by default. After Hikaru is notified of the reason why Touya Akira is not coming, he calls Sai.
"That was quick," Sai says in greeting. He sounds cautious, but curious. "How was the game?"
"There was no game," Hikaru tells him. "Touya's father had a heart attack, he's at the hospital." His brain feels numb, like he's not yet done processing the information. He can't imagine what Akira must be feeling.
Sai draws in a sharp breath. He has entered the Meijin, Gosei, Ouza and Tengen prelims this year, just for the chance to play a title match against his rival. It was supposed to be the height of the competition, a series of perfect joseki spread over multiple matches. It was supposed to finally lead them to the Hand of God.
"We'll figure something out," Hikaru promises.
Sai is silent, but Hikaru knows that if he were able to see, there would be gratitude in every line of Sai's face.
- - - - -
The hospital smells of disinfectants and too much cleaning product. Everything's white, and the nurses and doctors are hurried. Hikaru asks for the room number and they are sent upstairs. Sai initially protested and didn't want to come here, but now that they're here, he looks determined.
"I'll go in by myself," he says as they reach the room. "Maybe he won't be too well."
Hikaru wants to protest - it was his idea, why is Sai shutting him out again? - but when the door opens and Akira steps out, his protest dies on his lips.
"Fujiwarano-sensei," Akira says, surprised, and takes a bow. Then realization dawns and he adds, "Father is feeling better. You may go inside if you wish. He'll be glad of some company."
Sai smiles at him, making Akira's face burn. "Thank you, Touya-kun." He opens the door and slips inside without a backward glance.
Hikaru straightens his shoulders when Akira's gaze falls on him. "Right. Of course, you're here, too," Akira says.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Hikaru asks defensively.
"Nothing."
They stare at each other. Hikaru starts to wonder why he's the only one Akira is ever rude to. He does watch the other boy whenever he can get away with it, and Akira is always perfectly polite, always poised and half-smiling even when he gets that far-away look in his eyes when someone bores him half to death.
"I replayed your game," Akira breaks up the hostile staring contest.
Hikaru blinks and forgets to gloat that he's won this one, because, "What?"
"The game you played against my father."
Hikaru crosses his arms in front of his chest. "What about it?"
Akira narrows his eyes at the deceptively casual tone of Hikaru's voice. "Your move into 12-10 that early in the game was pure madness! If you'd gone for a yosu-miru in the top right corner, you could have claimed more territory there in the endgame."
"It was meant as a diversion. Can't help that it didn't work out the way I'd planned, can I?"
"There's no way any experienced player will fall for a diversion that blatant, Shindou, don't be an idiot -"
"I won, didn't I? So you can just shut up with your know-it-all attitude -"
"Winning that one game does not mean you should just rest on your success. And anyhow, there is no way you'll win without the reverse komi if you play insane moves like that Hane on 3-15!"
"What is going on out here?" Ogata asks, stepping out of the Meijin's room. He looks at Akira in surprise. "Why are you yelling? This is a hospital. There are ill people here who are trying to get some rest."
Akira flushes with embarrassment at the fact that he's been caught out in the middle of a squabble.
"Weren't you supposed to find a nurse about your father's lunch?"
"I'm sorry. I was distracted when Fujiwarano-san and Shindou showed up."
"Who cares about that," Hikaru interrupts them, flapping his hand. "Is Sai talking to Touya Meijin in there? Can I go inside?"
Ogata-san holds the door open for him. "I think they've started a game. Go on. I'm sure it'll be more interesting than standing around in the hallway. Akira?"
"I'll go talk to the nurse and then come back to watch, too," Akira says to nobody in particular.
Hikaru glares.
"Good," Ogata says, looking amused by their antics. "And make sure you don't yell at anyone else along your way. It's not good manners."
- - - - -
The game is inspired, but there is no changing the fact that it's merely a practice game. In the end, Sai loses by half a moku, and Hikaru can see in his face that this was not the game he's been looking for. Still, there is potential, and the Meijin is not blind to it.
"I have been hearing about you everywhere recently," he says to Sai as they clear the board. "It is not an exaggeration, what I've been told about your skill."
Sai inclines his head. "The stakes will be real, the next time we play."
Touya Kouyo looks surprised at this. "You will not come to study sessions? You - and of course your student, Shindou-kun - are always welcome to join."
"Thank you," Sai says, but does not accept or decline the offer. "We will play again soon."
Out of the hospital, Hikaru looks at him, confused and a little disappointed.
"Next time, it will be a real game," Sai says softly, almost like he's talking to himself. "I will win, and we will reach the Hand of God together."
There is something desperate about the way he says it, like it is sand that is slipping through his fingers, like he cannot hold onto it, no matter how hard he tries.
- - - - -
There is a sense of deep awkwardness between them as they walk in the direction of Hikaru's home. Sai doesn't seem to be heading back to his own apartment, and Hikaru doesn't want to remind him; he's missed this too much. They've known each other two and a half years. It feels like he has spent half this time playing Go with Sai.
"I don't have much longer," Sai says suddenly. As always, his clothes attract a lot of attention on the street, but Sai has never been one to notice the curious looks thrown his way. Hikaru kicks a stone to the side of the street and ignores everyone else. They don't matter.
"Don't be morbid," he says. "Touya's father won't die so soon. You're in the Tengen finals - you'll win all your matches, and then you'll be his challenger for the Tengen title."
"I will be," Sai murmurs. He doesn't sound sure.
He stays with Hikaru that evening and for the time they're together, it feels like it did in the beginning, just the two of them facing each other over the goban, stones clicking with each move.
- - - - -
1
Hikaru wakes up the next morning to an open window and a warm summer breeze. He walks downstairs into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and sits down at the breakfast table. His mother is awake already; she looks at him strangely.
"What?" he asks when he notices.
"Nothing," she replies, putting a bowl in front of him. "It's just unusual for you to get up this early on a Saturday morning."
"I have a study session later," Hikaru tells her. He's been getting up at this hour every Saturday morning for the past year. Maybe she's developing onset memory loss.
"Study session?" his mother asks surprised, and then smiles and ruffles his hair. "Has Akari-chan finally worn you down after all? That's nice."
Hikaru pushes her hand away and rolls his eyes, but doesn't correct her. If she can't be bothered to remember it right, he certainly won't tell her again.
- - - - -
He tries calling Sai, but Sai doesn't pick up the phone. He tries again and again, but there's no answer. Sai sleeps with his phone close by, and always answers on the second ring. The phone is the only technological advancement he has taken to. So Hikaru takes a detour on his way to Morishita-sensei's house and drops by at Sai's apartment.
No one answers when he rings the bell at the front of the apartment complex, but a lady with a toddler on her arm exits and he catches the door to get in. Upstairs, the entrance door to the apartment isn't locked. Hikaru pushes it open only to reveal an empty room. The wooden panels shine in the morning light that falls in through the window. There is no sight of Sai's sleeping mat, or the goban. When he steps closer to the kitchen counters, he sees a film of dust on the appliances, at least a few weeks old.
Something's wrong, he thinks, and ignores the heavy sensation of his heart dropping to his stomach. Sai has to be all right. Sai will be fine, Sai is fine. He's just... moved. Without telling Hikaru. Maybe he forgot.
No one recognizes Hikaru at the Institute, and Sai is not there; nor is he at Hikaru's house when he goes back to check. When his phone rings, Hikaru throws himself at it like it's his last lifeline. But it's only Akari, who yells at him, "Where are you, you jerk? We were all waiting for you at the pool entrance, and you didn't show up. You didn't even call to say you weren't coming!"
Hikaru stares at the white-washed wall opposite and ignores her excited chatter about the new water park that has opened downtown and all its cool new features. He asks, "Have you seen Sai?"
"What? What's Sai? - Hikaru? Hikaru!"
Hikaru hangs up on her. Then he runs out of the house and towards the train station.
- - - - -
The salon is exactly as Hikaru remembers it, with its big, bright letters up front, and the posters on the door informing about the newest Go tournaments and competitions. There is one for the Amateur World Championship, and one for a children's tournament. Hikaru pushes inside and walks right up towards the back, ignoring Harumi-san's cheerful "Good morning!"
Seeing Akira in the same setting as almost three years ago makes him, not for the first time, notice all the differences about the other boy. His face has lost its baby fat, replaced by sharp, even angles. His neck is long and slender, and so is his figure, lean and fitting nicely into his tailored suit.
There's something about his eyes that's wrong though, something that Hikaru has never seen in them before: a burning despair. That bright spark of passion that Hikaru remembers so well, because he has always wanted Akira to direct it at him - it's gone, replaced by exhaustion.
"Touya," he says sharply, just loud enough for him to hear without notifying the whole salon to his presence.
Akira glances up from the goban. He's been placing stones from a kifu, playing with himself. Now he takes in Hikaru's form, eyes travelling up and down before they come to rest on his face. He looks lost - no, he looks like he's lost something. Hikaru clenches his hands and thinks, this is impossible.
Sai, he thinks, what have you done? His heart aches so much he wants to pull it out of his own chest. He wants to believe it's just a dream, but inside, he knows it's real.
"Well?" Akira asks, eyes narrowed.
"Well what?"
"What do you want?" Akira asks, annoyed, like he's repeating himself.
Hikaru swallows, breathes out, unclenches his fists. He wants to play. He wants to see if he still can, because no one else seems to remember. For a moment that lasts an eternity, panic clouds his mind, because what if he can't? What if he doesn't remember where to place the stones, how to hold them?
But when he pulls back the chair opposite Akira, sits down, and pulls up the go ke, his fingers close around the stones like he's never done anything else in his life. He looks Akira firmly in the eyes and says, "I'm here to play you."
In Akira's eyes, something like hope flickers to life.
- - - - -
There is nothing that can make Hikaru forget Sai, but the rest of the world has forgotten. Day after day after day, Hikaru plays Go and with his game tells everyone who will listen that he was real.
- - - - -
The End.
- - - - -