Eating his Unhappiness - Genfic
There are SPOILERS in this fic for "Tao of Rodney" so pass this one by if you don't want to know.
Rated: G
Category: Pre-slash, Angst (could be considered gen)
Summary: Eavesdroppers rarely like what they hear, and Rodney took something he heard to heart.
Author's Note: Some stories get a great deal of effort put into them and receive little notice. This one was written to get an idea out of my head and make room for 'more worthy' projects. I didn't even send it to beta before putting it on here and didn't post it elsewhere, because I didn't expect that anyone else would care much about. It is ironic that this story, rough spots and all, was nominated for the DiverisiFICation Awards. Which of course, prompted me to send it to my betas for polishing and primping. So this isn't exactly as it was, if you've read it before... but not radically different either. I'll be sending it to Wraithbait and Area 52 to share the love.
Thanks to Kerensa and Belladonna for their usual awesome beta work and for cheering me on.
Author's Notes: During the cafeteria scene in the episode, several things jumped out at me. 1)Why was Rodney sitting alone? The rest of the team was sitting at a table clear on the other side... why didn't they join him, or he join them? 2) Rodney actually looked *thinner* to me than in the previous season, so comments about his weight seemed really out of line. 3) most of the food on his plate was fruit. He wasn't binging on sweets or other 'fattening' food. 4)"He's always eating" -- yes he is! Hypoglycemia, remember? The whole scene made me mad. This fic is the result.
~*~*~*~
"Rodney, I brought back for you some dessert. Really, you should stop for lunch. This work is not that important."
"No, no, I'm good. What do you think of this?" McKay took the piece of cake from Radek, but set it off to the side without even touching it. He pointed a blunt finger at the schematic on the screen and backed up a little so that Radek could look at the screen.
The Czech blinked in surprise. He wasn't going to eat the cake? It was chocolate cake and Rodney McKay didn't want it? Then what the other man was saying snagged his attention and the two spent the next couple of hours deep in discussion and theory.
"Damn." Rodney cursed quietly and rubbed his forehead.
"Headache? I have something in the drawer over there…" Radek offered and when he got a reluctant nod, both men stood. Before he could take even a step though, Rodney's hand gripped his shoulder and he looked up to see the big man's face turn completely white.
The collapse was so sudden he almost didn't catch him before his head struck the floor. As it was, Radek managed to control the fall, sliding himself under Rodney so that he ended up partially under the Canadian.
"Rodney! Rodney!" Radek tapped the radio in his ear. "Medical team to Science Lab 1!"
~*~*~*~
Carson looked down at the bed in front of him and steeled himself against the sense of déjà vu that washed over him. Only a week had passed since Rodney had nearly Ascended and he still had trouble dealing with the emotions that had stirred up.
In those last few moments, Rodney had looked up at him, and thanked him. It was Rodney McKay, the real Rodney, without bluster and arrogance, without his defenses, who spoke to him then, the man none of them had really seen before. It was a side of him that Carson wanted to see again and it had been all he could do to choke out a heartfelt answer.
Now Rodney lay in his infirmary again, for a stupid, stupid reason, and wouldn't you think a genius would know better than to let things get to this point?
The doctor checked the IV bag, ensured that the line had no kinks in it and the glucose solution was running freely, moved down the line to the broad hand it was inserted in. He ran a finger along the strip of white tape, then squeezed the hand fondly. It twitched and Rodney's fingers closed around his.
He looked up to see his patient opening bleary eyes.
"Well now, glad to see you're back with us. How're you feeling?"
"Hmm. Head hurts. What happened?" Rodney's words were a little slurred. He swallowed and worked his mouth as if to wet it, trying to find moisture.
Carson poured a bit of water into a glass and put it into Rodney's hands. He didn't release the glass, helping him drink a sip or two and then taking it away.
"You, you great idiot, let your glucose level get too low. You collapsed in the lab and scared poor Radek near to death. We've still not recovered from the fright you gave us last week, and it's a bit harsh to be doing it to us again."
"Sorry." His patient looked embarrassed and slumped down into the pillow.
"Rodney, this isn't like you. You've always controlled your condition before. I shouldn't think I'd have to lecture you about maintaining your levels and eating regularly."
"I…" Rodney started to answer and stopped, his gaze going down and away.
There was, it appeared, more to this story than Rodney forgetting to eat a meal or two. That was obvious from the blood tests and from his reaction to the questioning. Carson moved to the privacy curtain and swung it around to cut off the view of the infirmary around them. When he returned to the bed, he lowered the side rail and sat next to Rodney's hip.
"Talk to me, Rodney." He looked quietly at the man, waiting for him to look up so that he could catch his eyes, but the scientist wouldn't.
"I wasn't… it wasn't that I wasn't eating. I've been following the plan, just eating… less."
"Less? Now why would you be botherin' with that?" Carson shook his head in amazement. "You don't mean ye've gone on a diet? Fer God's sake, why?"
"Last week, when…" Rodney looked extremely embarrassed and waved a head in the general direction of his head.
"Aye, when you were trying to Ascend," Carson prompted.
"I heard Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon talking. I was clear across the room and they didn't know I could hear them. I didn't realize what was going on at first either, I thought they were teasing me. They didn't know I could hear them though…"
"And.."
"Carson, am I… do you think I need to drop a few pounds? I mean, I know I'm not fat, but maybe a little…" and Rodney's hands dropped self-consciously to his abdomen and he shrugged.
"No, Rodney, I do not! And I am speaking as your doctor here, and your friend. Medically speaking, your weight is fine. And it is far more important to maintain a proper glucose level. Now you've been doing as I suggested, yes? Eating more grains and proteins, fewer sugary treats…"
"Yes, yes!" Rodney waved him off irritably. "I'm trying, making an effort, you know?"
"Well, now, there is the matter of that donut you stole from me!" He teased, raising his eyebrows.
"Oh, that was just fun!" A slanted smile and Rodney actually looked up at him then. Carson could only chuckle in response. Then the other man's face fell. He opened his mouth, closed it again, pressed his lips together and shook his head.
"What else, Rodney? That's not all, is it?"
McKay shook his head in reply. "I always thought it would be cool to be able to read minds. And you know, it was, at first. Problem is, I didn’t always like what I saw. It's part of the reason I stopped doing it, blocked it off." He inhaled deeply, then asked quietly. "What do you see when you look at me, Carson?" He peered intently at the doctor.
"Ye have to ask? You just said…" and Carson started to flush, trying to remember what he had said or thought.
Rodney waved a hand and interrupted. "No, no, I stopped before I got to you. Wasn't sure my ego could take it if I saw more than I wanted. I saw how Ronon sees me." He was silent for a moment. "It wasn't flattering. A cartoonish figure, kinda round and loud. He thinks I should exercise more, I eat too much."
"And it matters to you what he thinks?"
The look Rodney shot him was pure amazement. "Well, yeah! I, I, I mean, I put my life in his hands, every time we go off-world! He's on my team! He's my fr.." He stopped and snapped his mouth shut, eyes intently boring into Carson's before his face crumpled. "I thought he was my friend."
Carson reached out, cupped a hand around the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him close so that the man's forehead rested against his chest. He wrapped the other arm around the broad shoulders and rested his chin on the top of Rodney's head. They stayed that way for several minutes while Rodney struggled to regain control.
"I wish ye had seen what I think of you, Rodney," He murmured. "I know most of the things you did last week.
"The tea thing with Teyla, she was very moved by it. Do you know that no one else here had bothered to learn about that custom? That she had to go to the mainland last year and ask someone to do it with her. From what I understand, asking for that ceremony is kind of like asking for a birthday present. It's supposed to be offered freely. And you are the one who gave it to her. It made her feel like she really did belong. Like family, she said.
"I saw Ronon's back, too. It's absolutely incredible. He says he has more freedom of movement in his shoulders now, some of those scars were muscle-deep. Not everyone would have thought to do that, even if they had the ability.
"Then there's Radek. Even if I had been able to restart his heart -- and I'm not too sure of that! -- he'd have needed weeks to recover. It would have been very painful."
Rodney had stopped moving, was completely still as he listened to Carson speak.
"I am proud to call you my friend, Rodney. I hope you know that, even without reading my mind." Carson tightened his arm into a hug and released him. Rodney sat up, red-faced, wiping his eyes. "Now, you need to rest. Ye're goin' nowhere until that bag finishes, so you may as well take a nap." He indicated the IV, then pointed to the pillow.
As he stood up, he patted Rodney's arm. He turned toward the curtain and was stopped by a quiet voice. "Carson -- thanks."
He gave a smile and a nod in return. Once through the curtain, he twitched it closed again, giving Rodney the time he needed to compose himself. The nurse on duty looked up as he approached her.
"Ah, Susan, Dr. McKay is resting. Don't disturb him. I'll check on him in a bit before I release him."
Carson headed to his desk, not the least bit surprised to find Sheppard lounging there, trying to look casual and not really succeeding.
"How is he?"
"He'll be fine in a bit."
"What happened? Another fit of manly hunger?" A smirk accompanied the sarcastic comment and Carson had to reign in his temper. Evidently the anger showed because the smirk was quickly replaced by a wary, narrow-eyed frown. "Carson?"
"Aye, why don't you call Teyla and that cretin you adopted, and have them meet us in Elizabeth's office? I have sommat to discuss with the lot of you."
~*~*~*~
Carson stalked down the hallways, lips firmly shut to avoid speaking before all the objects of his anger were present. The Colonel was walking quickly, trying to keep up.
When Carson reached Elizabeth's office Ronon was leaning casually against the wall, Teyla sat quietly in the chair next to him and Elizabeth was perched on the corner of her desk.
"Alright, Carson, we're all here. Now give! What's up with Rodney?" Sheppard growled and planted himself in front of the physician. He folded his arms and waited.
"Rodney is going ta be fine, no thanks to the lot of you!"
Elizabeth opened her mouth in protest and Carson held up a hand. "Not you, you're not ta blame, but these…
"Rodney had a reactive hypoglycemic episode." At the blank looks that crossed their faces, he translated. "His glucose level got too low and he lost consciousness."
To his anger, Sheppard smirked and rolled his eyes. "He fainted!"
"No, Colonel, he lost consciousness. He has a condition that he was controlling just fine until certain people gave him the idea that he was overeating. That his very necessary regimen to control his condition was a sign of weakness and gluttony."
He glared around, taking in the surprise on Elizabeth's face, the shame on Teyla's and the confusion on the faces of Sheppard and Ronon.
"I don't understand." Ronon was the first to break the silence in the room.
"And that's the only reason I'm willing to cut you any slack. But you, John Sheppard, you've called yourself the man's friend for more than two years now. I expected better than for you to mock him for a medical condition that has him in my infirmary after teasing him for taking the necessary steps to control it! What's next, making fun of a blind man because he uses a funny cane and bumps into things?"
"Hey now!" John growled defensively, but Carson ignored it and continued to speak.
"Let me spell it out for you, in short words so you canna misunderstand me. Rodney needs to eat every three or four hours to maintain his glucose levels, preferably grains or proteins. I realize that when you're not in the city, that can be a problem, which is why he carries the powerbars. Stressful situations can cause him to need more and the man has a fast metabolism anyway, so yes, he eats a mite more than the rest of us -- except for perhaps for you, ya great pillock." He glared at Ronon until the big man had the grace to look away, ashamed.
"And don't think I've forgotten about the lemon you gave Mitchell to threaten him with, either!" He poked a finger into Sheppard's, gratified to hear Weir's surprised and angry exclaimation at that revelation. "Rodney may be difficult at times but he deserves better than to mocked for things he can't help by his own team!"
"Fine lot of friends you are!" Carson gave them a last furious look, nodded to Elizabeth and stalked out of the room.
He stopped for a tray of food before heading back to the infirmary. The curtain was still in place around Rodney's bed, he noted with approval.
It took only a second to check in with the duty nurse and he took the tray to Rodney's bedside, snagging a rolling table as he went.
"Here you are, I brought you lunch." The IV bag was nearly empty, he noted, and his patient already looked less pallid and drawn. "Roast beast sandwiches and fruit." Carson pulled up a chair and grabbed one of the plates. "I haven't eaten either so I thought I'd join you."
Rodney mumbled his thanks through a bite. "How long till I can get out of here?"
"Soon as you're done eating, you can go to your quarters. I'd like you to rest for the remainder of the day, but you don't need to be taking up one of my beds to do it."
McKay nodded before taking another bite. The two ate in companionable silence, then Carson got Rodney's clothes so he could change.
As Rodney headed to the door of the infirmary, Carson fell in beside him.
"I'm just going to walk with you, if you don't mind." he stated.
"You just want to make sure I don't go back to the labs!" Rodney accused with a smile. "As if Radek wouldn't rat me out if I did!"
"Aye, well. There is that. Could be I just want to make sure you get there in one piece."
"Carson, I wanted to… thank you. What you said, it… meant a lot to me." Rodney kept his eyes on the floor as they walked.
"I meant it. And I think you needed to hear it."
Rodney shrugged at that and they walked in silence until they reached the door to his quarters. It opened silently and he nodded toward it, inviting his friend in.
"Can I tell you something, Carson?" He stood there nervously, hands shoved in his pockets, head down. "I said that I didn't read your mind, and I didn't, not then. Until the end. When I told you what to do? The bit with the blood sample?"
Carson nodded remembering the fierce grip Rodney'd had on his coat, the reddened eyes staring into his, Rodney's frantic voice in his head and the overwhelming relief he himself had felt that there was a way to save him.
"Right then, I felt what you did. I could sense how upset you were that I was dying. I felt that… that you actually liked me. For who I am." Rodney was peering into his eyes now, entreating him to understand what he meant and the depth of the emotion in his face was stunning. "You can't know what that means to me. You… just can't. And today, when you… hugged me. No one has comforted me like that, not for a long time. Thank you."
Carson felt tears prickle his eyes. He looked down for a second, then muttered, "Hell with it!" and pulled Rodney close to him again, tight, hugging him fiercely. He felt Rodney's arms come around him, returning the tight squeeze. They stood there like that for several moments before letting go.
"You need to be watching that, Rodney. People will be thinking you're going soft on us." Carson smiled at the answering snort and patted his cheek. "Get some rest."