Will My Arms Be Strong Enough 11/45
Title: Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 11/45
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: John makes his choice.
Chapter 11
Nick dragged himself out of the bathroom at the sound of the knock on the door, cursing slightly as he tripped over one of his trainers on the way to the door. He glanced round the corner as he passed the spare room, but Catrin was still fast asleep. Flicking on a light in the sitting room, he opened the door. His visitor made him gasp with surprise.
“John?” he whispered. “What are you -“
“Not now,” whispered John. He looked furtively around. “Get your coat and come with me. Don’t ask questions,” he said when Nick opened his mouth to speak, “just do it.”
Puzzled, Nick did as he was told, but, to his surprise, as soon as his coat and gloves were on, John seized him by the hand and half-dragged him out of the front door. He seemed to be in a terrible hurry for some reason or other as he hurried to the bay and pulled him onto a small boat. They sat in silence for a while, John constantly checking his watch, his brow furrowed in agitation. Finally, after almost an hour, Nick couldn’t take it any more.
“John,” he said, now feeling not only confused, but also a little scared. “What’s going on? Where are you taking me?”
John took a deep breath and, when he turned, his face was grave, even more so than in their training sessions. “If Jack found out what I was planning to do, he would be furious,” he said quietly. “But I think that you’ve got a right to know what happened to your wife.”
Nick could hardly believe his ears. “You mean -”
“Yes.” John nodded. “You’ve got a right to know.” The boat juddered to a halt a moment later and they stepped onto the shoreline. “Do you know where we are?”
“Flat Holm Island?” asked Nick, looking confused. “You mean she’s here? Why?”
John closed his eyes for a moment and then, when he spoke, it sounded as if his very words were causing him pain. “Nick,” he said quietly, “I’m going to take you to see her now, but…but you have to know…Alison’s changed. You won’t recognise her by sight, but I promise it’s her. But I’ll be right here. I won’t leave you. I promise.”
Nick swallowed and nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered.
They walked slowly across the island, John shining his torch in front of him, a frown of concentration on his face. Occasionally, he would tilt the light in the direction of his watch and frown slightly before quickening his pace. Eventually, he was running so fast, Nick had to sprint to keep up with him - when suddenly, the former Time Agent stopped.
“John,” panted Nick, clutching his side, “what’s the hurry? Why are we here at this time?”
Instead of answering, John merely cleared the way, revealing a door carved into the hill. He opened it and then turned to Nick. “Don’t let go of my hand. These steps can get dangerous.”
Nick nodded. “Okay.”
The staircase wasn’t especially slippery, but it was certainly steep and dark and their footsteps echoed in the empty passageway in a way that made the flesh on Nick’s skin crawl, as if it was alive. When they came to the bottom, he could hear muffled noises…groans, whimpers. He shivered. “Where are we?” he whispered, fear permeating his voice for the first time.
John noticed and, about to press a button to open a second door, he turned round. “Nick, are you sure you want to do this?” he asked. “I mean, I think you’ve got a right to know the truth, but I am not going to force you to do this. It has to be your decision.”
Nick didn’t hesitate. “I am scared,” he admitted. “But yes, I’m sure. I want to see her - I need to see her. I have to know the truth.” He paused for a second. “But I won’t ask you to come with me. If you want to wait here -”
“No.” John’s voice was firm. “I said I wouldn’t leave you and I won’t.” He turned back to the machine on the door and spoke a random sequence of numbers into the intercom. There was a moment’s pause and then the lock on the door clicked and the door opened. He turned round and stretched out his hand. “Come on then, if you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.” Though he had never felt less sure about anything in his life, Nick took the other man’s hand and let himself be led inside. He saw John whispering to a woman who he didn’t recognise, but she gave him a quick look and led them down one of the corridors.
“John?” he whispered suddenly. “I…thank you.” He waited for John to reply, but when he didn’t, he turned away again, completely missing the single tear that fell down the other man’s cheek.
Eventually, they came to a halt outside a closed door. The woman slowly ran a keycard down a panel beside it. The light flashed green, but before she opened the door, she turned to face the two men behind her.
“You know that she’s changed a lot, Dr. Jones,” she began slowly.
“Please,” Nick waved his hand calmly. “It’s just Nick.”
She smiled. “Okay, Nick…your wife has changed a lot…she’s aged considerably. But she’s still the woman you love.”
Nick swallowed. “I know. Please…just take me to her.”
The door opened slowly at that. Nick saw a room, simple and rather dark, but with a strangely soothing quality to it. At the back of the room there was a desk and behind it, staring at the wall was a tall figure with long ragged black hair wearing a dark blue sweater and jeans.
With a final deep breath, Nick stepped in, his footsteps echoing on the cold hard floor, and cleared his throat. “Alison?” he whispered. “Is…is that you?”
“Who’s that?” The voice that seemed to come from the woman was hoarse and strained, as if it had been overused already. “Who’s there?”
“It’s me.” Nick’s voice cracked. “It’s Nick. Alison, please…look at me.”
There was a long pause. Then, very slowly, and with an air of hope long lost, the woman started to turn round. When she had turned a half-circle, she paused. “Nick?”
“Yes.” Slowly, Nick made his way closer. “Alison, look at me.”
Another pause followed. Then, with a movement that seemed to take years to complete, one hand inched out of the pocket of her jeans and started to move her hair off her face, almost piece by piece. She peered in front of her. “Nick?” she whispered again. “Is…is that you?” She stepped forwards and gasped. “Oh, Nick…” she whispered, reaching out to catch his hand.
But Nick took an immediate step back, almost tripping over the doorframe in his haste. He could hardly believe what he was seeing. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head wildly as he tore his gaze away from those empty, deadened eyes. “No…that’s not her…that’s not my Alison…” He stumbled backwards, almost collapsing in John’s arms. “You’re not my wife…”
“Nick,” she gasped in response, “Nick, love, I swear…it’s me…it is me…remember…”
“It is her, Nick,” said John. “I know it’s hard to believe, but…that’s Alison. I swear it is…and I wouldn’t lie to you.” And I don’t say that to just anyone…
“No!” Nick almost screamed, lunging forwards. “No…you’re not the woman I love…you’re not…”
She was crying now. “Nick, please…I…” but then her voice began to fade away and her eyes started to roll back in her head.
The nurse who had escorted the men in turned pale. “John…get him out. Now.”
But it was too late. The tears had dried up on the aged woman’s cheeks and her body turned rigid and began to shake violently. She seemed to be trying to speak, to utter her husband’s name, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, even as she tried to fight it, her breath came out sounding almost like a death rattle and then a terrible sound filled the room; the sound that could freeze the blood of even the most stout-hearted soldier.
Nick barely had time to register that the sound was coming straight from the woman in front of him before John grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the door. Before he could speak (though what he could say, he didn’t know), the two men were running, through the corridors, up the stairs and out of the door before the cold nighttime air finally hit them.
~*~
John handed Nick a bottle of water. “Here, drink some of this - slowly, slowly, we don’t want you making yourself ill.” He stroked the hair at the base of Nick’s neck as he waited for him. “You’re all right now, just take your time. I’m here.” For once, he didn’t care how that sounded; all that mattered right now was comforting a friend - even if it meant using every ounce of self-restraint that he possessed.
It was well over an hour before Nick was calm enough to speak and, of course, the first thing he asked was “What happened to her?”
“The same think that happened to all the other people here,” answered John. “You see, Nick, the Rift doesn’t just drop things off - it also takes things…and people, away. Jack set this place up as a care facility for people who had been taken by the Rift.”
“Jack set this place up?”
“Yeah. When he first took over Torchwood, there were two others who had been taken.” John suddenly looked disgusted. “He showed me and Ianto the place where they used to be kept - God, I wouldn’t have kept a rabid Weevil in there. So, he set this facility up for them. It may not seem like much, but at least they’re kept safe and comfortable.”
“How did you get involved in all this?”
“Shortly after I joined the team, I found out. It’s usually Ianto who helps Jack with this, but at the time, they’d been fighting, badly. Anyway, that night, Jack went out on his own. Took the SUV. I followed him - right into the middle of Splott.”
“Was he rescuing one of the victims?”
“Yes. When he helped her - it was a woman - to the car, I got out and spoke to him. He wasn’t happy, but he took me here and told me everything - including that Ianto always waits with him when he answers these calls. After we got back to the Hub, the first thing I did was contact Ianto and tell him what had happened. When I came in the next morning, the first thing I saw was him sitting on the sofa while Jack cried in his arms. From that day onwards, Ianto and I agreed that Jack should never go and do this on his own. It’s too soul-destroying for him.”
“Why didn’t he tell me about it?” asked Nick. “I’m a doctor; maybe I could have helped.”
“You couldn’t have,” said John, firmly but gently. “There’s nothing anyone can do for them; they’re sick, some of them in ways that even Jack and I don’t know about, even coming from so far in the future. The best that can be done is to keep them safe and comfortable.”
“Didn’t Owen know about it?”
“Owen did know about it, yes. But he also knew that there was nothing he could do. Seriously, Nick, even the best doctors from our time couldn’t help them. Maybe one day there will be a way to help them, but until then, we’ve just got to make sure they’re as comfortable as possible.”
Nick leaned back backwards against the rocky mound behind him and closed his eyes, still attempting to process everything that he was being told. He managed to relax slightly thanks to John stroking his hair gently, but something was stopping him from completely letting go.
And then, he heard it again. He knew it had always been there, but he’d been so focused on John’s story that he’d almost forgotten about it. But now, he remembered and it seared through his brain like a black fire.
“Does she always scream?” he eventually whispered.
“Yes,” John sighed. “Nick, there was a reason why I brought you out here at this time of night. When you saw her earlier, you saw her in the only ten minutes of the day when she’s even close to coherent. You saw her then at her best.”
“You mean she screams for the rest of the time?”
“Apart from those ten minutes, fifteen if you’re lucky, yes.”
“And,” Nick swallowed, hating that he had to ask this, but at the same time, knowing that he needed to know. “Are all the victims as…badly affected as her?”
He looked up and saw the shattered look on his companion’s face. “John, I’m sorry to ask, but you promised that you wouldn’t lie to me. Please. Tell me.”
John sighed. “I won’t lie to you and tell you that they’re all that bad, Nick, because the fact is, they’re not. In fact, Jack said that he doesn’t think there’s been a case this bad since he started running the place.”
“Why? Why is she…” but he couldn’t get the words out.
“She looked into the heart of a dark star,” said John quietly. “What she saw there…it drove her insane. It’s what happened to some of the other people here. You saw Jonah Bevan’s name here?” Nick nodded. “The same thing happened to him. He screams for twenty hours a day. All the people in the unit you saw have long periods of nothing but screaming.”
Nick shuddered. “But why…” but again, he couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Because,” and now it was John’s turn to hesitate, “Nick, Alison was severely depressed when she was taken by the Rift and she has been for a long time. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know.” Deep down, Nick thought he knew what John meant, but he wanted to hear it from him first.
“Well…that’s why she was so badly affected.” John’s voice was almost inaudible. He reached over and squeezed Nick’s hand. “You have to understand, Nick; this isn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop this. Jack’s tried, believe me.”
“So,” Nick took a deep breath and prepared to speak the words that would devastate him, “there’s really…nothing anyone can do for her…for any of them?”
“I’m sorry,” said John, and he really was. “But, no…there’s nothing.” His voice said more than his words ever could and in that moment, Nick knew the full truth of the matter. His wife, the woman he had vowed to spend the rest of his life with…was dying.
He closed his eyes and spoke, as if every word was causing him pain. “Why did I come?”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” answered John, squeezing his hand a little tighter. “At least now…now, you know the truth and…maybe you can move on.”
The mood changed in an instant. Nick pulled his hand away almost violently as he stood up and stared at John, his face a mixture of shock, anger, betrayal…and, somewhere underneath…guilt.
“For the best?!” he repeated incredulously. “My wife is in there dying and you’re saying that it’s for the best?! You’re saying that I can just move on…just forget her like that?”
“No!” shouted John, also getting up. “I’m just saying…you can’t grieve for ever!” He dropped his voice, but the words still carried the same impact. “And you couldn’t have taken care of her for ever. Sooner or later, you would have lost her - she was going to go the same way as your father…and deep down, you know that.”
“That’s what a husband’s supposed to do!” shouted Nick, spinning round. “I was supposed to love her, cherish her and comfort her…I was supposed to protect her from all this - give her a normal life with me and our children! It’s my duty to care for her, not to give up -”
“Nick -”
“And you say that all this has happened for the best?” Nick’s eyes were blazing now. “You’re saying that now I know I can move on?” He flew forwards and started hitting John in the chest. “How do you expect me to do that? How do you think I can just move on like that - let the only woman I’ve loved that much go like this? You think that just by coming here and seeing what happened to her, I can let her go? You think I can just forget her like that?” He was barely even pausing for breath. “I can’t do it…I can’t…I won’t do it…”
John didn’t hesitate. He caught the young man in a fierce embrace and held him tight against his chest, not even flinching as Nick struggled and screamed at him. Instead, he just stroked his back and tried to calm him, tentatively pressing his lips to the top of his head.
He had seen this happen before; violent hysteria giving way to unbearable grief. But it didn’t make it any easier when Nick collapsed against him and burst into tears. His body was trembling and his wild, almost animalistic sobs almost drowned out Alison’s scream. Suddenly, and without any warning, his knees gave way and, barely a moment later, both men had sunk to the ground, clinging tightly to each other.
John pulled Nick in as close as he could and rocked him, rubbing soothing circles over his shoulders, just as he had seen Jack and Ianto comforting each other after a bad day. Now, more than anything else, John just wanted to kiss away Nick’s tears and wipe away his pain…and show him that everything would turn out just fine in the end.
But he couldn’t. He didn’t even know what words to use. There was not a single appropriate sentence that he could speak to tell Nick that he’d be all right. And he knew perfectly well why. As hard as he tried, he realised that he couldn’t convince himself that everything would be all right.
Because, deep down, he didn’t believe it would be.
He shuddered slightly. What have I done?
Some time later, after the clock in the distance had struck three in the morning, Nick’s sobs subsided and he was left breathless and drained, but calm now. Sighing, John leaned over and wiped away the tears.
“Come on,” he said, pulling himself to his feet, “let’s get you home, yeah?” When no response was forthcoming, he reached down and picked Nick up, carrying him as if he weighed nothing more than a pillow. For a moment, a flicker of surprise surfaced beneath the pain, but then it was gone, replaced by a terrifying blankness.
The ride back to the mainland seemed to take an eternity. Neither of them spoke; Nick didn’t even seem to be capable of forming words. Instead, he simply stood at the rear of the boat, watching the island out of sight, his face a picture of loss.
John could barely see the beautiful hazel colour of his eyes now. It was like an impenetrable mist had settled over them. Even his bright auburn hair seemed to have faded to a mousy brown. The colour in his dimpled cheeks had faded, leaving him looking almost corpse-like. No, that wasn’t right - he looked like…he looked like a ghost…a shadow.
Once they reached the bay, he touched Nick’s hand and shivered at how icy cold he was, even through his thick gloves. “Hey, come on,” he whispered, linking their fingers together. “Let’s get you home; you need to see your kids and get some sleep, okay?”
Slowly, he helped Nick off the boat since the young man didn’t seem to have regained any of his motor functions yet, and sat him down in a taxi. He gave the driver the address and sat down too, wrapping his hand around Nick’s and holding it for the duration of the journey.
He grew increasingly worried when he saw that Nick didn’t even react to the usual stench that pervaded the building. Even after living in the place for so long, each time they’d come here together, he would at least cringe. But this time, there was nothing. In fact, it wasn’t until they were inside the apartment that Nick gave any hint of a reaction to anything - and even then, it was only a barely audible gasp.
“Can’t have changed that much, can it?” asked John dryly.
“No…” Nick’s voice was barely even there.
“Go on.” John rubbed his shoulder gently. “Go and check those beautiful kids of yours and get some sleep. I’ll be…right here if you need me.”
He sank down onto the sofa with a small sigh, hating himself. Jack had been right. He’d taken Nick to that awful place and it had broken him. Now, even surrounded by his friends and family, it was going to be even harder to help him.
But what made it even worse was that, deep down, he knew that, given the choice, he would have done it all again. Because he knew that, whatever happened, Nick had the right to know.
~*~
The nursery was dark when Nick stepped in, only just managing to avoid the floorboard that creaked. He didn’t want to wake them up, but when he realised that he couldn’t see them in the dark, he quietly switched on the small nightlight by the bed. Trevyn stirred slightly, snuffling into his blanket, but he didn’t wake up.
In the crib nearby, Estelle’s eyes flickered open slightly and she made a strange growling sound in her throat as Nick got closer to her, but just before he could stroke her hair to get her back to sleep, she had managed to snuggle down under her blanket, her eyes closing again.
Sighing, Nick went to smooth her covers down, but stopped when his hand brushed over a lump at the foot of the crib. Frowning, he slipped his fingers under the blanket to find out what it was. He felt his throat constrict, however, when he saw what was in his hand.
He was holding the small blue teddy bear he had bought for Alison the day after their wedding. They hadn’t had a proper honeymoon, since most of their savings had gone on the wedding itself, but there had been a fair in town and Nick, knowing how much she loved them, had taken her there in an effort to make up for the fact that they couldn’t go away. It had rained again, heavier than it had on their actual wedding day, but that hadn’t stopped them from having a good time and trying out all the different rides and games.
He remembered standing at the coconut shy for at least an hour trying to win the little bear which had caught his new wife’s eye. It had been exhausting work, but he had been so in love with his new bride that he would have done anything for her, even walk over hot coals if she had asked him to - what was attempting to win a small bear compared to that? Besides, the look in Alison’s eyes and the way she’d kissed him had made it all worth it.
Nick’s eyes started to water as he realised that, even now, after Estelle had somehow managed to take possession of the bear, it still smelt exactly the same as it had the day he had won it…even after all these years…
He sank down onto the floor, breathing in the scent of the bear’s soft fur, the memories of that wonderful day in the rain cascading over him, overwhelming him. Never before had he felt so safe and happy and…loved as he had on that day, seeing his beautiful wife smiling so brightly. At that thought, Nick’s fragile control broke and he buried his face in the bear’s fur and burst into tears.
~*~
John sat on the sofa, shifting uncomfortably as he glanced at the clock. It was still only half past four in the morning and yet he felt as alert as if he’d had twenty hours of solid sleep. Quite what he was waiting for, he didn’t actually know, but he would know when it happened.
Or at least, that was what he kept telling himself. If he looked deep into his heart, he knew perfectly well why he was sitting out here alone in the darkness. He knew exactly what it was that had stopped him from following Nick into the nursery. He couldn’t bring himself to follow him, to watch him with the children, knowing that he had broken up the family. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself that they didn’t have the right to lie to Nick, and no matter how true it was, he couldn’t deny that Jack had, once again, been right. His motives for what he’d done had, for the most part, been truly selfish.
His thoughts were interrupted as the clock chimed, signaling that it was now a quarter to five. Surely, Nick must be thinking about going to sleep now anyway, or at least getting some rest. Besides, he realised, he needed a drink.
Slowly, he got up from the sofa, ignoring the prick his conscience gave as he realised he was leaving when he’d promised Nick he wouldn’t. But he couldn’t take this any more - he knew that he couldn’t stay. If he needed him, Nick had his number - he could call him.
He was halfway towards the door, when something stopped him in his tracks. He turned round and listened, frowning. Then acting on instinct, he drew his weapon, but didn’t take the safety catch off yet. First, he glanced into the spare room, but saw nothing except for Catrin sound asleep, her chest rising and falling slowly.
Suddenly, it dawned on him that the strange sounds were coming from the nursery and he felt his whole body tense up. Something, or someone, was in there with Nick’s children. He had no idea if it was alien or human, but one thing was for sure - he couldn’t let a child be hurt under any circumstances. Jack would never forgive him for that.
But they’re not just any children, are they? The small thought that had plagued him while he’d been sat down returned. Nick's lost too much already. He’s seen his family ripped to pieces…and you know that it’s your fault.
Shaking his head to clear it, John crept across the carpet towards the nursery. He stepped inside the doorway and almost swore out loud as his foot caught on the loose floorboard. But then, in the dim light, he spotted the source of the noise and the words died in his throat.
Nick was slumped in a corner, clutching a small pale blue teddy bear as he rocked himself back and forth, sobbing inconsolably. Already, his dimpled cheeks were soaked by rivers of tears and his eyes (once you got a look at them) were so red you might think they were bleeding.
John swallowed. This was the third time he had seen Nick in tears and his heart ached as he realised that this was so much more terrible than the other two times. The first time, after Carson’s funeral, it had been a moment of release, a time to let his grief for his adopted father go. The second time, on Flat Holm, there’d been so much anger…anger, confusion and, deep down, guilt. John knew perfectly well that Nick had been struggling to cope with Alison’s depression and now that he knew she was safe, there was a part of him that was relieved…and he hated himself for it, even if the thought had only been there for less than a second.
But now…this was a complete loss of control that was already hanging by a thread. This was more than anger, more than grief…this was just pure helplessness.
And deep down, John knew that it was his fault.
Slowly, he replaced the safety catch on his gun and holstered it again, before he bent down and tentatively reached out to hug the young man. But the moment contact was made, Nick tensed and leapt up as if he’d been burnt. He didn’t say a word, didn’t even look at John; instead, he just walked out of the nursery as fast as he could.
John stood in shock for a few seconds before his brain switched back on. Quickly turning off the nightlight, he dashed out of the nursery. “Nick -“ he started to say, but it was too late. The young man had already gone.
He stood where he was for several minutes, feeling his heart beating wildly, as though it was trying to free itself from his chest, the shock of what had just happened hitting him all at once. Then, barely stopping to think, he grabbed his coat from the sofa and ran out of the apartment.
He didn’t even stop to check where he was going and it was quite a shock when he eventually looked up to find that he was standing in front of the water tower. The lights from the Plass and the bay were lit, sending an, amber glow over the flowing water, a devastating reminder of the blazing colour of Nick’s hair.
God, everywhere I go…I see something that makes me think of him…
The second that thought entered his mind, he jumped onto the stone slab, briefly closing his eyes as it ground its way into their underground base before shuddering to a halt. With a deep breath, he stepped off the slab - and froze at the sight that now met his eyes.
Ianto was half-sitting, half-lying on the old sofa at the back of the room, his back supported by a cushion. At first, it looked like he had covered himself with a blanket, but upon closer inspection, John realised that the young man was cradling Nick in his arms and stroking his hair as the other man cried into his shoulder, still holding that little teddy bear as tight as he dared. They both started and looked up as he came in, and Ianto’s eyes turned as hard as chipped granite.
John gulped. “Nick,” he started to say, but he was abruptly cut off.
“Don’t even think about it,” Ianto hissed. “Not after what you’ve done to him.” He shifted slightly and then spoke again in a much softer voice. “Shh, Nick, it’s all right. I’m right here.”
John sighed, but said nothing, he didn’t really feel like arguing with Ianto at this time. Instead, he took another step into the Hub, only to stop as a door slammed above him. He jumped at the sound and looked up…straight into the flaming blue eyes of Jack Harkness.
***
Next Time: John faces the consequences of his actions. .
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: John makes his choice.
Chapter 11
Nick dragged himself out of the bathroom at the sound of the knock on the door, cursing slightly as he tripped over one of his trainers on the way to the door. He glanced round the corner as he passed the spare room, but Catrin was still fast asleep. Flicking on a light in the sitting room, he opened the door. His visitor made him gasp with surprise.
“John?” he whispered. “What are you -“
“Not now,” whispered John. He looked furtively around. “Get your coat and come with me. Don’t ask questions,” he said when Nick opened his mouth to speak, “just do it.”
Puzzled, Nick did as he was told, but, to his surprise, as soon as his coat and gloves were on, John seized him by the hand and half-dragged him out of the front door. He seemed to be in a terrible hurry for some reason or other as he hurried to the bay and pulled him onto a small boat. They sat in silence for a while, John constantly checking his watch, his brow furrowed in agitation. Finally, after almost an hour, Nick couldn’t take it any more.
“John,” he said, now feeling not only confused, but also a little scared. “What’s going on? Where are you taking me?”
John took a deep breath and, when he turned, his face was grave, even more so than in their training sessions. “If Jack found out what I was planning to do, he would be furious,” he said quietly. “But I think that you’ve got a right to know what happened to your wife.”
Nick could hardly believe his ears. “You mean -”
“Yes.” John nodded. “You’ve got a right to know.” The boat juddered to a halt a moment later and they stepped onto the shoreline. “Do you know where we are?”
“Flat Holm Island?” asked Nick, looking confused. “You mean she’s here? Why?”
John closed his eyes for a moment and then, when he spoke, it sounded as if his very words were causing him pain. “Nick,” he said quietly, “I’m going to take you to see her now, but…but you have to know…Alison’s changed. You won’t recognise her by sight, but I promise it’s her. But I’ll be right here. I won’t leave you. I promise.”
Nick swallowed and nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered.
They walked slowly across the island, John shining his torch in front of him, a frown of concentration on his face. Occasionally, he would tilt the light in the direction of his watch and frown slightly before quickening his pace. Eventually, he was running so fast, Nick had to sprint to keep up with him - when suddenly, the former Time Agent stopped.
“John,” panted Nick, clutching his side, “what’s the hurry? Why are we here at this time?”
Instead of answering, John merely cleared the way, revealing a door carved into the hill. He opened it and then turned to Nick. “Don’t let go of my hand. These steps can get dangerous.”
Nick nodded. “Okay.”
The staircase wasn’t especially slippery, but it was certainly steep and dark and their footsteps echoed in the empty passageway in a way that made the flesh on Nick’s skin crawl, as if it was alive. When they came to the bottom, he could hear muffled noises…groans, whimpers. He shivered. “Where are we?” he whispered, fear permeating his voice for the first time.
John noticed and, about to press a button to open a second door, he turned round. “Nick, are you sure you want to do this?” he asked. “I mean, I think you’ve got a right to know the truth, but I am not going to force you to do this. It has to be your decision.”
Nick didn’t hesitate. “I am scared,” he admitted. “But yes, I’m sure. I want to see her - I need to see her. I have to know the truth.” He paused for a second. “But I won’t ask you to come with me. If you want to wait here -”
“No.” John’s voice was firm. “I said I wouldn’t leave you and I won’t.” He turned back to the machine on the door and spoke a random sequence of numbers into the intercom. There was a moment’s pause and then the lock on the door clicked and the door opened. He turned round and stretched out his hand. “Come on then, if you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.” Though he had never felt less sure about anything in his life, Nick took the other man’s hand and let himself be led inside. He saw John whispering to a woman who he didn’t recognise, but she gave him a quick look and led them down one of the corridors.
“John?” he whispered suddenly. “I…thank you.” He waited for John to reply, but when he didn’t, he turned away again, completely missing the single tear that fell down the other man’s cheek.
Eventually, they came to a halt outside a closed door. The woman slowly ran a keycard down a panel beside it. The light flashed green, but before she opened the door, she turned to face the two men behind her.
“You know that she’s changed a lot, Dr. Jones,” she began slowly.
“Please,” Nick waved his hand calmly. “It’s just Nick.”
She smiled. “Okay, Nick…your wife has changed a lot…she’s aged considerably. But she’s still the woman you love.”
Nick swallowed. “I know. Please…just take me to her.”
The door opened slowly at that. Nick saw a room, simple and rather dark, but with a strangely soothing quality to it. At the back of the room there was a desk and behind it, staring at the wall was a tall figure with long ragged black hair wearing a dark blue sweater and jeans.
With a final deep breath, Nick stepped in, his footsteps echoing on the cold hard floor, and cleared his throat. “Alison?” he whispered. “Is…is that you?”
“Who’s that?” The voice that seemed to come from the woman was hoarse and strained, as if it had been overused already. “Who’s there?”
“It’s me.” Nick’s voice cracked. “It’s Nick. Alison, please…look at me.”
There was a long pause. Then, very slowly, and with an air of hope long lost, the woman started to turn round. When she had turned a half-circle, she paused. “Nick?”
“Yes.” Slowly, Nick made his way closer. “Alison, look at me.”
Another pause followed. Then, with a movement that seemed to take years to complete, one hand inched out of the pocket of her jeans and started to move her hair off her face, almost piece by piece. She peered in front of her. “Nick?” she whispered again. “Is…is that you?” She stepped forwards and gasped. “Oh, Nick…” she whispered, reaching out to catch his hand.
But Nick took an immediate step back, almost tripping over the doorframe in his haste. He could hardly believe what he was seeing. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head wildly as he tore his gaze away from those empty, deadened eyes. “No…that’s not her…that’s not my Alison…” He stumbled backwards, almost collapsing in John’s arms. “You’re not my wife…”
“Nick,” she gasped in response, “Nick, love, I swear…it’s me…it is me…remember…”
“It is her, Nick,” said John. “I know it’s hard to believe, but…that’s Alison. I swear it is…and I wouldn’t lie to you.” And I don’t say that to just anyone…
“No!” Nick almost screamed, lunging forwards. “No…you’re not the woman I love…you’re not…”
She was crying now. “Nick, please…I…” but then her voice began to fade away and her eyes started to roll back in her head.
The nurse who had escorted the men in turned pale. “John…get him out. Now.”
But it was too late. The tears had dried up on the aged woman’s cheeks and her body turned rigid and began to shake violently. She seemed to be trying to speak, to utter her husband’s name, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, even as she tried to fight it, her breath came out sounding almost like a death rattle and then a terrible sound filled the room; the sound that could freeze the blood of even the most stout-hearted soldier.
Nick barely had time to register that the sound was coming straight from the woman in front of him before John grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the door. Before he could speak (though what he could say, he didn’t know), the two men were running, through the corridors, up the stairs and out of the door before the cold nighttime air finally hit them.
~*~
John handed Nick a bottle of water. “Here, drink some of this - slowly, slowly, we don’t want you making yourself ill.” He stroked the hair at the base of Nick’s neck as he waited for him. “You’re all right now, just take your time. I’m here.” For once, he didn’t care how that sounded; all that mattered right now was comforting a friend - even if it meant using every ounce of self-restraint that he possessed.
It was well over an hour before Nick was calm enough to speak and, of course, the first thing he asked was “What happened to her?”
“The same think that happened to all the other people here,” answered John. “You see, Nick, the Rift doesn’t just drop things off - it also takes things…and people, away. Jack set this place up as a care facility for people who had been taken by the Rift.”
“Jack set this place up?”
“Yeah. When he first took over Torchwood, there were two others who had been taken.” John suddenly looked disgusted. “He showed me and Ianto the place where they used to be kept - God, I wouldn’t have kept a rabid Weevil in there. So, he set this facility up for them. It may not seem like much, but at least they’re kept safe and comfortable.”
“How did you get involved in all this?”
“Shortly after I joined the team, I found out. It’s usually Ianto who helps Jack with this, but at the time, they’d been fighting, badly. Anyway, that night, Jack went out on his own. Took the SUV. I followed him - right into the middle of Splott.”
“Was he rescuing one of the victims?”
“Yes. When he helped her - it was a woman - to the car, I got out and spoke to him. He wasn’t happy, but he took me here and told me everything - including that Ianto always waits with him when he answers these calls. After we got back to the Hub, the first thing I did was contact Ianto and tell him what had happened. When I came in the next morning, the first thing I saw was him sitting on the sofa while Jack cried in his arms. From that day onwards, Ianto and I agreed that Jack should never go and do this on his own. It’s too soul-destroying for him.”
“Why didn’t he tell me about it?” asked Nick. “I’m a doctor; maybe I could have helped.”
“You couldn’t have,” said John, firmly but gently. “There’s nothing anyone can do for them; they’re sick, some of them in ways that even Jack and I don’t know about, even coming from so far in the future. The best that can be done is to keep them safe and comfortable.”
“Didn’t Owen know about it?”
“Owen did know about it, yes. But he also knew that there was nothing he could do. Seriously, Nick, even the best doctors from our time couldn’t help them. Maybe one day there will be a way to help them, but until then, we’ve just got to make sure they’re as comfortable as possible.”
Nick leaned back backwards against the rocky mound behind him and closed his eyes, still attempting to process everything that he was being told. He managed to relax slightly thanks to John stroking his hair gently, but something was stopping him from completely letting go.
And then, he heard it again. He knew it had always been there, but he’d been so focused on John’s story that he’d almost forgotten about it. But now, he remembered and it seared through his brain like a black fire.
“Does she always scream?” he eventually whispered.
“Yes,” John sighed. “Nick, there was a reason why I brought you out here at this time of night. When you saw her earlier, you saw her in the only ten minutes of the day when she’s even close to coherent. You saw her then at her best.”
“You mean she screams for the rest of the time?”
“Apart from those ten minutes, fifteen if you’re lucky, yes.”
“And,” Nick swallowed, hating that he had to ask this, but at the same time, knowing that he needed to know. “Are all the victims as…badly affected as her?”
He looked up and saw the shattered look on his companion’s face. “John, I’m sorry to ask, but you promised that you wouldn’t lie to me. Please. Tell me.”
John sighed. “I won’t lie to you and tell you that they’re all that bad, Nick, because the fact is, they’re not. In fact, Jack said that he doesn’t think there’s been a case this bad since he started running the place.”
“Why? Why is she…” but he couldn’t get the words out.
“She looked into the heart of a dark star,” said John quietly. “What she saw there…it drove her insane. It’s what happened to some of the other people here. You saw Jonah Bevan’s name here?” Nick nodded. “The same thing happened to him. He screams for twenty hours a day. All the people in the unit you saw have long periods of nothing but screaming.”
Nick shuddered. “But why…” but again, he couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Because,” and now it was John’s turn to hesitate, “Nick, Alison was severely depressed when she was taken by the Rift and she has been for a long time. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know.” Deep down, Nick thought he knew what John meant, but he wanted to hear it from him first.
“Well…that’s why she was so badly affected.” John’s voice was almost inaudible. He reached over and squeezed Nick’s hand. “You have to understand, Nick; this isn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop this. Jack’s tried, believe me.”
“So,” Nick took a deep breath and prepared to speak the words that would devastate him, “there’s really…nothing anyone can do for her…for any of them?”
“I’m sorry,” said John, and he really was. “But, no…there’s nothing.” His voice said more than his words ever could and in that moment, Nick knew the full truth of the matter. His wife, the woman he had vowed to spend the rest of his life with…was dying.
He closed his eyes and spoke, as if every word was causing him pain. “Why did I come?”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” answered John, squeezing his hand a little tighter. “At least now…now, you know the truth and…maybe you can move on.”
The mood changed in an instant. Nick pulled his hand away almost violently as he stood up and stared at John, his face a mixture of shock, anger, betrayal…and, somewhere underneath…guilt.
“For the best?!” he repeated incredulously. “My wife is in there dying and you’re saying that it’s for the best?! You’re saying that I can just move on…just forget her like that?”
“No!” shouted John, also getting up. “I’m just saying…you can’t grieve for ever!” He dropped his voice, but the words still carried the same impact. “And you couldn’t have taken care of her for ever. Sooner or later, you would have lost her - she was going to go the same way as your father…and deep down, you know that.”
“That’s what a husband’s supposed to do!” shouted Nick, spinning round. “I was supposed to love her, cherish her and comfort her…I was supposed to protect her from all this - give her a normal life with me and our children! It’s my duty to care for her, not to give up -”
“Nick -”
“And you say that all this has happened for the best?” Nick’s eyes were blazing now. “You’re saying that now I know I can move on?” He flew forwards and started hitting John in the chest. “How do you expect me to do that? How do you think I can just move on like that - let the only woman I’ve loved that much go like this? You think that just by coming here and seeing what happened to her, I can let her go? You think I can just forget her like that?” He was barely even pausing for breath. “I can’t do it…I can’t…I won’t do it…”
John didn’t hesitate. He caught the young man in a fierce embrace and held him tight against his chest, not even flinching as Nick struggled and screamed at him. Instead, he just stroked his back and tried to calm him, tentatively pressing his lips to the top of his head.
He had seen this happen before; violent hysteria giving way to unbearable grief. But it didn’t make it any easier when Nick collapsed against him and burst into tears. His body was trembling and his wild, almost animalistic sobs almost drowned out Alison’s scream. Suddenly, and without any warning, his knees gave way and, barely a moment later, both men had sunk to the ground, clinging tightly to each other.
John pulled Nick in as close as he could and rocked him, rubbing soothing circles over his shoulders, just as he had seen Jack and Ianto comforting each other after a bad day. Now, more than anything else, John just wanted to kiss away Nick’s tears and wipe away his pain…and show him that everything would turn out just fine in the end.
But he couldn’t. He didn’t even know what words to use. There was not a single appropriate sentence that he could speak to tell Nick that he’d be all right. And he knew perfectly well why. As hard as he tried, he realised that he couldn’t convince himself that everything would be all right.
Because, deep down, he didn’t believe it would be.
He shuddered slightly. What have I done?
Some time later, after the clock in the distance had struck three in the morning, Nick’s sobs subsided and he was left breathless and drained, but calm now. Sighing, John leaned over and wiped away the tears.
“Come on,” he said, pulling himself to his feet, “let’s get you home, yeah?” When no response was forthcoming, he reached down and picked Nick up, carrying him as if he weighed nothing more than a pillow. For a moment, a flicker of surprise surfaced beneath the pain, but then it was gone, replaced by a terrifying blankness.
The ride back to the mainland seemed to take an eternity. Neither of them spoke; Nick didn’t even seem to be capable of forming words. Instead, he simply stood at the rear of the boat, watching the island out of sight, his face a picture of loss.
John could barely see the beautiful hazel colour of his eyes now. It was like an impenetrable mist had settled over them. Even his bright auburn hair seemed to have faded to a mousy brown. The colour in his dimpled cheeks had faded, leaving him looking almost corpse-like. No, that wasn’t right - he looked like…he looked like a ghost…a shadow.
Once they reached the bay, he touched Nick’s hand and shivered at how icy cold he was, even through his thick gloves. “Hey, come on,” he whispered, linking their fingers together. “Let’s get you home; you need to see your kids and get some sleep, okay?”
Slowly, he helped Nick off the boat since the young man didn’t seem to have regained any of his motor functions yet, and sat him down in a taxi. He gave the driver the address and sat down too, wrapping his hand around Nick’s and holding it for the duration of the journey.
He grew increasingly worried when he saw that Nick didn’t even react to the usual stench that pervaded the building. Even after living in the place for so long, each time they’d come here together, he would at least cringe. But this time, there was nothing. In fact, it wasn’t until they were inside the apartment that Nick gave any hint of a reaction to anything - and even then, it was only a barely audible gasp.
“Can’t have changed that much, can it?” asked John dryly.
“No…” Nick’s voice was barely even there.
“Go on.” John rubbed his shoulder gently. “Go and check those beautiful kids of yours and get some sleep. I’ll be…right here if you need me.”
He sank down onto the sofa with a small sigh, hating himself. Jack had been right. He’d taken Nick to that awful place and it had broken him. Now, even surrounded by his friends and family, it was going to be even harder to help him.
But what made it even worse was that, deep down, he knew that, given the choice, he would have done it all again. Because he knew that, whatever happened, Nick had the right to know.
~*~
The nursery was dark when Nick stepped in, only just managing to avoid the floorboard that creaked. He didn’t want to wake them up, but when he realised that he couldn’t see them in the dark, he quietly switched on the small nightlight by the bed. Trevyn stirred slightly, snuffling into his blanket, but he didn’t wake up.
In the crib nearby, Estelle’s eyes flickered open slightly and she made a strange growling sound in her throat as Nick got closer to her, but just before he could stroke her hair to get her back to sleep, she had managed to snuggle down under her blanket, her eyes closing again.
Sighing, Nick went to smooth her covers down, but stopped when his hand brushed over a lump at the foot of the crib. Frowning, he slipped his fingers under the blanket to find out what it was. He felt his throat constrict, however, when he saw what was in his hand.
He was holding the small blue teddy bear he had bought for Alison the day after their wedding. They hadn’t had a proper honeymoon, since most of their savings had gone on the wedding itself, but there had been a fair in town and Nick, knowing how much she loved them, had taken her there in an effort to make up for the fact that they couldn’t go away. It had rained again, heavier than it had on their actual wedding day, but that hadn’t stopped them from having a good time and trying out all the different rides and games.
He remembered standing at the coconut shy for at least an hour trying to win the little bear which had caught his new wife’s eye. It had been exhausting work, but he had been so in love with his new bride that he would have done anything for her, even walk over hot coals if she had asked him to - what was attempting to win a small bear compared to that? Besides, the look in Alison’s eyes and the way she’d kissed him had made it all worth it.
Nick’s eyes started to water as he realised that, even now, after Estelle had somehow managed to take possession of the bear, it still smelt exactly the same as it had the day he had won it…even after all these years…
He sank down onto the floor, breathing in the scent of the bear’s soft fur, the memories of that wonderful day in the rain cascading over him, overwhelming him. Never before had he felt so safe and happy and…loved as he had on that day, seeing his beautiful wife smiling so brightly. At that thought, Nick’s fragile control broke and he buried his face in the bear’s fur and burst into tears.
~*~
John sat on the sofa, shifting uncomfortably as he glanced at the clock. It was still only half past four in the morning and yet he felt as alert as if he’d had twenty hours of solid sleep. Quite what he was waiting for, he didn’t actually know, but he would know when it happened.
Or at least, that was what he kept telling himself. If he looked deep into his heart, he knew perfectly well why he was sitting out here alone in the darkness. He knew exactly what it was that had stopped him from following Nick into the nursery. He couldn’t bring himself to follow him, to watch him with the children, knowing that he had broken up the family. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself that they didn’t have the right to lie to Nick, and no matter how true it was, he couldn’t deny that Jack had, once again, been right. His motives for what he’d done had, for the most part, been truly selfish.
His thoughts were interrupted as the clock chimed, signaling that it was now a quarter to five. Surely, Nick must be thinking about going to sleep now anyway, or at least getting some rest. Besides, he realised, he needed a drink.
Slowly, he got up from the sofa, ignoring the prick his conscience gave as he realised he was leaving when he’d promised Nick he wouldn’t. But he couldn’t take this any more - he knew that he couldn’t stay. If he needed him, Nick had his number - he could call him.
He was halfway towards the door, when something stopped him in his tracks. He turned round and listened, frowning. Then acting on instinct, he drew his weapon, but didn’t take the safety catch off yet. First, he glanced into the spare room, but saw nothing except for Catrin sound asleep, her chest rising and falling slowly.
Suddenly, it dawned on him that the strange sounds were coming from the nursery and he felt his whole body tense up. Something, or someone, was in there with Nick’s children. He had no idea if it was alien or human, but one thing was for sure - he couldn’t let a child be hurt under any circumstances. Jack would never forgive him for that.
But they’re not just any children, are they? The small thought that had plagued him while he’d been sat down returned. Nick's lost too much already. He’s seen his family ripped to pieces…and you know that it’s your fault.
Shaking his head to clear it, John crept across the carpet towards the nursery. He stepped inside the doorway and almost swore out loud as his foot caught on the loose floorboard. But then, in the dim light, he spotted the source of the noise and the words died in his throat.
Nick was slumped in a corner, clutching a small pale blue teddy bear as he rocked himself back and forth, sobbing inconsolably. Already, his dimpled cheeks were soaked by rivers of tears and his eyes (once you got a look at them) were so red you might think they were bleeding.
John swallowed. This was the third time he had seen Nick in tears and his heart ached as he realised that this was so much more terrible than the other two times. The first time, after Carson’s funeral, it had been a moment of release, a time to let his grief for his adopted father go. The second time, on Flat Holm, there’d been so much anger…anger, confusion and, deep down, guilt. John knew perfectly well that Nick had been struggling to cope with Alison’s depression and now that he knew she was safe, there was a part of him that was relieved…and he hated himself for it, even if the thought had only been there for less than a second.
But now…this was a complete loss of control that was already hanging by a thread. This was more than anger, more than grief…this was just pure helplessness.
And deep down, John knew that it was his fault.
Slowly, he replaced the safety catch on his gun and holstered it again, before he bent down and tentatively reached out to hug the young man. But the moment contact was made, Nick tensed and leapt up as if he’d been burnt. He didn’t say a word, didn’t even look at John; instead, he just walked out of the nursery as fast as he could.
John stood in shock for a few seconds before his brain switched back on. Quickly turning off the nightlight, he dashed out of the nursery. “Nick -“ he started to say, but it was too late. The young man had already gone.
He stood where he was for several minutes, feeling his heart beating wildly, as though it was trying to free itself from his chest, the shock of what had just happened hitting him all at once. Then, barely stopping to think, he grabbed his coat from the sofa and ran out of the apartment.
He didn’t even stop to check where he was going and it was quite a shock when he eventually looked up to find that he was standing in front of the water tower. The lights from the Plass and the bay were lit, sending an, amber glow over the flowing water, a devastating reminder of the blazing colour of Nick’s hair.
God, everywhere I go…I see something that makes me think of him…
The second that thought entered his mind, he jumped onto the stone slab, briefly closing his eyes as it ground its way into their underground base before shuddering to a halt. With a deep breath, he stepped off the slab - and froze at the sight that now met his eyes.
Ianto was half-sitting, half-lying on the old sofa at the back of the room, his back supported by a cushion. At first, it looked like he had covered himself with a blanket, but upon closer inspection, John realised that the young man was cradling Nick in his arms and stroking his hair as the other man cried into his shoulder, still holding that little teddy bear as tight as he dared. They both started and looked up as he came in, and Ianto’s eyes turned as hard as chipped granite.
John gulped. “Nick,” he started to say, but he was abruptly cut off.
“Don’t even think about it,” Ianto hissed. “Not after what you’ve done to him.” He shifted slightly and then spoke again in a much softer voice. “Shh, Nick, it’s all right. I’m right here.”
John sighed, but said nothing, he didn’t really feel like arguing with Ianto at this time. Instead, he took another step into the Hub, only to stop as a door slammed above him. He jumped at the sound and looked up…straight into the flaming blue eyes of Jack Harkness.
***
Next Time: John faces the consequences of his actions. .