LJIdol 4.02: What terrifies me

[anamacha]

Twenty-three years ago I stared Death in the eye, and I won. What else can possibly scare me?

Indeed, I am hard pressed to think of a single thing that truly produces fear in me. There's plenty of things I don't like and don't want to consider the possibility of -- cockroaches, being homeless, hard drive failure, never seeing the ocean again,

Comments

oh god! My second worst fear

[baxaphobia]

You brought up something I almost wrote about. That is the fear of becoming as angry and critical as my mother. Sigh. Bees were better though!

Re: oh god! My second worst fear

[anamacha]

wow, I'll read it soon, then.

What's your username about, though? baxaphobia suggests fear of .. baxas?

Re: oh god! My second worst fear

[baxaphobia]

Hahaha. Baxter was my previous guide dog. He was very very big. People used to wonder about his size and some were afraid. But as I've said before to others, he was a gentle giant who would melt you with a glance. So Baxaphobia became sort of a joke.

Re: oh god! My second worst fear

[anamacha]

oh, that's a neat story! And now I can kind of make out that it's a dog in your userpicture. For how long have you had vision troubles?

[mme_furiosa]

Oof! This is very honest, and sad. I find happiness elusive until I go looking for it. It is rarely as hidden as I imagine it to be.

[anamacha]

There are things that one can do to bring happiness into one's life -- but as I said in the entry, so many of those seem external, layers on top, and not an actual core happiness.

Thanks for your comment.

[mme_furiosa]

Exactly! I don't think happiness is "out there." I think it is inside us. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I misplace the key to the door, but I rarely think it is gone for good.

[anamacha]

oh, agreed. It IS within us. I just haven't found that place where it lives.

It's not GONE; I CAN be happy; I even am from time to time. But it just seems so ... ephemeral.

[smoken_mirrors]

I have a very similar fear.

[anamacha]

cool ... similar to which one? Not counting the facetious ones, I expressed at least three or four fears; didn't plan it that way, but that's what came out.

[smoken_mirrors]

I identified with all of it, actually, but this is the part that really resonated with me:

[i]I fear that I will never make something of myself, that I will never leave my own mark on this world. I know that if I continue on this course, if I never admit to my shortcomings, if I don't ask for the help I need -- I never will make anything of myself. If I don't take steps now, I will become my mother, bitter and shrewish in her old age.[/i]

I've actually been dwelling on that particular fear for a few months now, trying to figure out how to avoid it coming to fruition.

[anamacha]

wow. Even in that one portion you quote, there are several fears listed. I fear not leaving a mark, I fear not figuring out what I'm here for, I fear becoming my mother.

Good luck wrestling with your fears, and please let me know if you need an ear or if I can help.

[twystedpixie]

Hi, welcome to the inside of my head.

[anamacha]

ooh, very cool. In which way? I list several ;)

[boundfate]

Your fear of not being happy hits my fear of settling. I make decisions well - except for the big ones because what if I become the woman from The bridges of madison county?

[anamacha]

I'm not familiar with the Bridges of Madison County. Why would you not want to be like her?

[boundfate]

In the Bridges of Madison County the main character is a woman who lives in a small town, married young and has a good husband and good kids. She is completely happy and content. It is set in the 50's.

Her husband and kids go off to the state fair for a week. The day after they leave she meets a photographer whose car breaks down. She stops to help him and offers her services as a guide to what he is photographing: the bridges of Madison county. Long story short she is exposed to a world she never knew through his stories and falls madly in love with him. She realizes that he is the one made for her and vice versa.

The week ends and he wants her to come with him back to New York. She starts to but duty catches up with her and she stays behind to take care of her family. He mails her all of his articles until they both die.

That movie was one of the biggest contributing factors to my commitment issues. Every decision we make changes our life forever, but some decisions really close doors.

[anamacha]

oh wow. That hits very close to home for me -- in my so-called love life, I'm in a very similar situation.

Closing doors like you say is another thing I'm afraid of, actually.

How do your "committment issues" manifest themselves?