Comments | anamacha: the emergency.

anamacha

the emergency.

Aug 31, 2006 21:09

I might ramble. Oh well. This is big; it's difficult for me to wrap my brain around. To be honest, I 'm not sure where it began, but I'm sure it began somewhere. See, my relationship of the last 8 years or so is on the rocks, and I'm not sure why.

Gina -- rhianwyn -- thinks it began when our daughter Ariann was born. That's as good a starting place ( Read more... )

introspection, relationship, self

Comments 30

Is broken bad? primordial1 September 1 2006, 02:17:38 UTC

I'm starting to think everyone feels a little broken - at least all the interesting people. Maybe the point of life is to fix what is broken?

But if you can figure out how.. let me know.

Is it better know you're not the only one feeling fucked up?

Re: Is broken bad? anamacha September 1 2006, 13:15:53 UTC

it is a bit better knowing I'm not the ony one fucked up. There is some measure of comfort in that. But this ... this feels both big and basic. Like if I'm a house, this gives me a seriously cracked foundation.

You have a point about the interesting people being broken in some way or another. This is something, though, that I'd vastly prefer not being broken.

Re: Is broken bad? primordial1 September 1 2006, 14:18:29 UTC

I completely agree. Brokeness isn't fun - at least, not the way I (and I believe you) feel broken. I don't think it's something that can be changed by simplying working by oneself, on oneself.
backstory: I'm not a big fan of asking for help, I'll spend weeks denying my emotions before I admit I need help to anyone remotely new or untrusted, and then the vast majority of the time I become a huge bitch to anyone I think I have shown weakness to because I think they'll use it to hurt me.

Point: I have trust issuses. I need help from an external source to fix them. But that requires admitting to weakness and becoming vulnerable, which I have a hard time doing, because I have trust issues... Oh the spiral of it all. The question to me seems, do you trust anyone enough to let them help fix you? Maybe help fix you is the wrong idea - but at least help you start on the road to becoming less broken?

Re: Is broken bad? anamacha September 1 2006, 16:09:57 UTC

I've been working on myself, by myself for solong. It's hard for me, too, to accept help, or even to think that I might *need* help. Though I'm more than willing to admit when I'm wrong, and I'm not especially attached to being right all the time, I still think I know best for me.

And the things I choose for myself are not always the best things for me. I'm always second-guessing myself.

On trust issues: I used to have those as well. But being vulnerable can be a wonderful thing, when done right. Even so, they still come up from time tot ime.

miintikwa September 1 2006, 02:32:52 UTC

*HUG*

You are wrong. You are not broken- not any more than any of the rest of us that have been there are.

There are several steps that you need to take if you truly want to get out of the Wrong Thinking that you are doing. I give them to you because I care- I hope you will accept them and act on them. If you do not, I will not be angry or hurt. Because the FIRST one is the MOST TRUE, and the MOST important- and it is one I ascribe to.

LOVE IS NOT SOMETHING YOU MUST BE WORTHY OF.Love is a gift. If people needed to be worthy of love, no one would ever love murderers, wife/husband abusers, child molesters, etc. They are certainly not worthy of love, after all ( ... )

anamacha September 4 2006, 21:32:43 UTC

loveis nothing somethign I must be worthy of. that's sucha hard one to get around. in my family of origin, love was always conditional. that's what I learned. and yes, that's the filter I view things through. but as

miintikwa September 4 2006, 22:53:16 UTC

*hug* You'll get there. And I'll be supporting you.

But what makes you say there was much mothering on her part? Without going backover what I've written, I don't really remember saying anything along those lines.

I'm not sure, then. I suppose that's the easiest way to push someone away without really pushing them away? Or perhaps it's one of those truths that sometimes we see without seeing.

anamacha September 4 2006, 23:12:00 UTC

ghod. TERRIBLE typos on my part. I obviously did NOT proof that last comment!

Thank you for your spport, sweet. Seriously.

if you ever realise what made you say that -- beyog what you've already said, that is -- then please let me know. It's not an enitrely inaccurate statement, but I'm not sure it's totally accurate, either.

First, a meta-comment .... _rck_ September 1 2006, 03:06:00 UTC

The main drawback of screening comments is that you dont know what other people have already pointed out ... so this is probably going to work best if you sum up what comments you had had and repost periodically.

Re: First, a meta-comment .... anamacha September 1 2006, 22:09:46 UTC

*chortle* good point. To be honest, I'm not sure why I screened comments in the first place. They're unscreening as I manage to reply, and I'm okay with that if you are.

apryl_knight September 1 2006, 03:20:29 UTC

*hugs*

I am sorry; I have no suggestions. I think I know how you feel, though. I will send you good energies.

anamacha September 4 2006, 02:35:08 UTC

thank you, sweetie :)

my point of view _rck_ September 1 2006, 03:30:53 UTC

I cannot be sure that my comments are helpful, but here it goes anyway.

Life is not a feeling. Life is a decision. Every morning when you get up, you're, like, no longer in a relationship. And then you decide for it and that's how the relationship continues. That's one thing I learned from _mwife_ and I think she is right on target: Relationships are something you decide for every day. (Routine helps, no question about it ( ... )

Re: my point of view anamacha September 2 2006, 19:46:06 UTC

wow. thank you for your perspicacious comments. I can definitely see the wisom in them, but what you speak of will require a certain paradigm shift on my part. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a thing that will require work.

It's all a part of my journey, I suppose. Thank you for your assistance on it.

Re: my point of view anamacha September 4 2006, 21:45:09 UTC

Life is not a feeling. Life is a decision. Every morning when you get up, you're, like, no longer in a relationship. And then you decide for it and that's how the relationship continues. That's one thing I learned from [info]_mwife_ and I think she is right on target: Relationships are something you decide for every day. (Routine helps, no question about it.)

So when are you in love with her? When you say you are in love with her. And how much are you in love with her? However much you say you are in love with her. This is really like art - you create it. You construct the reality of your relationship space.

this is really resonating with me. It's finding its way into my thinking lately. Thank you, Robert. I really value your friendship.

Speaking of which, do you still go to ASG?