the emergency.
I might ramble. Oh well. This is big; it's difficult for me to wrap my brain around. To be honest, I 'm not sure where it began, but I'm sure it began somewhere. See, my relationship of the last 8 years or so is on the rocks, and I'm not sure why.
Gina -- rhianwyn -- thinks it began when our daughter Ariann was born. That's as good a starting place ( Read more... )
Gina -- rhianwyn -- thinks it began when our daughter Ariann was born. That's as good a starting place ( Read more... )
Life is not a feeling. Life is a decision. Every morning when you get up, you're, like, no longer in a relationship. And then you decide for it and that's how the relationship continues. That's one thing I learned from _mwife_ and I think she is right on target: Relationships are something you decide for every day. (Routine helps, no question about it.)
So when are you in love with her? When you say you are in love with her. And how much are you in love with her? However much you say you are in love with her. This is really like art - you create it. You construct the reality of your relationship space.
Now (and I think everyone goes through this, esp. if the relationship is hitting a rough spot, regardless of adopted or how they grew up), sometimes we want external confirmation - just like in art. We dont want to be happy with our own decision, we want to be confirmed (admired, validated, whatever) by something other than our decision. That's we when start listening for feelings inside of us. But that does not work.
Actually, I am not sure how it should, if you think about it. The feelings you actually have - fear, hunger, thirst, discomfort - are exactly the ones you share with the squirrels. That seems hardly the appropriate level of complexity for a problem such as how two adults handle their relation to each other. We are talking an inch above the lizard brain here, right?
The only other sensation we can intelligently associate with the word 'feelings' are, let me say, processed experiences. Heuristics for decision making that we cannot decompose into explanations without much work. Like when the drawing looks off and you need someone else to tell you that its this, that and the other that is wrong with it. That something was wrong, your processed experiences, the many times you have seen drawings and real things, tell you.
Which brings us to the unworthy. The only way that I can make sense of that sentence that you feel unworthy is by interpreting it as meaning, "I am lacking the processed experiences of the love of my parents that other people use to underpin their self-worth."
Dont get me wrong, this is a real issue and problem. I think this is called attachment disorder, is very typical for adopted children (esp. if there were issues with the parents holding back on their attachment), and needs serious professional treatment and not screened LJ comments. But even the professionals can only teach you how to decide for yourself, not decide for you or validate for you.
But look at the feeling one more time. For starters, you are again fishing for external validation of something that only you can give yourself. By deciding day after day for Gina, you are worthy of her deciding for you. If you dont, should you give a wet fart what your parents, biological or adopted, think about you - would you not still be unworthy to receive her decision? If you do, should you give an even wetter fart as to what anyone else is thinking? Are you in this matter not the measure of yourself?
You may have no experience to relate this to, but I puzzled this out when I was about 15 or so, and could not find anybody to date me, and I noticed how the love of my family wasn't doing diddly for me then. So while it is nice to know that you are loved by your parents, what does it actually fix? I can see why children need this, and I can see the evolutionary advantages to the setup. But intellectually speaking, isn't the moment that you transition from child to adult when you clip the dependency and say "no" to some of the things your parents say?
PS: I think the sex is also the same type of external validation, but that's a different problem.
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It's all a part of my journey, I suppose. Thank you for your assistance on it.
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So when are you in love with her? When you say you are in love with her. And how much are you in love with her? However much you say you are in love with her. This is really like art - you create it. You construct the reality of your relationship space.
this is really resonating with me. It's finding its way into my thinking lately. Thank you, Robert. I really value your friendship.
Speaking of which, do you still go to ASG?
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