[Fic] A Space to Cross
Title: A Space to Cross
Author: analineblue
Pairing/Characters: Gwen, Esther; mentions of Jack, Ianto
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for Miracle Day S04E3 - Dead of Night
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,500
Beta: sariagray ♥
Summary: Gwen and Esther share a conversation about Jack.
Notes: Takes place directly following Jack's middle-of-the-night phone call. And I have to say, I really never thought I'd be writing Miracle Day fic three episodes in, but, well... Here I am. ;) I'm really curious as to how Esther comes across here, and Gwen too, for that matter, so... Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated. I hope you enjoy it!
**
A Space to Cross
The comets
Have such a space to cross,
Such coldness, forgetfulness.
So your gestures flake off
Warm and human, then their pink light
Bleeding and peeling
Through the black amnesias of heaven
-- The Night Dances - Sylvia Plath
**
"Is everything okay?" Esther asks from her makeshift workstation across the room. "I don't mean to pry," she adds quickly. "But that phone call..."
It takes Gwen a moment to register that Esther’s talking to her. She’s still staring at the screen of the laptop resting on top of her knees. Willing that connection back, just for a moment.
Their whole set up here - the darkened hideout of a room, lit only by the dim bluish light of Torchwood software, the bags of newly procured clothes, all of it... Gwen can't shake the parallels it draws in her mind. Clem, and the 456. Thames House. Everything feels strange, off-kilter, like some kind of alternate reality, being back here. And she can't shake the low level panic that colors the whole thing, that feeling of what if - what if this all goes down the same way; what if it's Jack that they lose this time... She's not sure how many chances she has anymore, either. She thinks of Anwen, and Rhys, and feels her pulse quicken, feels the urge to run from all of this.
Esther walks over and sits down on the couch across from her. She looks concerned. Gwen knows she has to pull herself together. She closes her eyes and breathes through her nose, slowly.
"Sorry. It's...complicated," Gwen says after a moment, not sure if she should be saying anything at all. She should probably be keeping her mouth shut, dealing with this on her own. "It's kind of... Well, parts of it, anyway... It's classified?" she finally says, offering Esther an apologetic smile.
"I know, but... try me," Esther says, and her smile is so open, so honest, that somehow Gwen finds herself searching for the right words, even though she’s pretty sure that there are no right words for any of this.
Gwen smiles. Sniffles a little. "It's just..."
"You've been in this situation before," Esther prompts, sympathetic and curious.
"Yes," Gwen whispers, nodding.
"Jack, too?"
"Jack's been everywhere," Gwen tells her, closing her eyes, and pulling a tissue out of her pocket. She blows her nose, and then takes a deep breath.
"We've both lost people. Friends. And Jack... I don't know. He blames himself. I'm worried about him.” She pauses, smiles a little self-consciously. “We've drifted apart, though. I’m not sure how to help him anymore."
"Did he tell you that, when he called? That he blames himself?"
Gwen laughs a little. "No, no of course not." She sets the laptop down on the floor next to her, and leans forward a little, meeting Esther's eyes. She raises her eyebrows. "He said that he missed me."
"Oh," Esther says, and then her eyes widen. "Oh."
"Yeah," Gwen says, her eyes widening right along with Esther's.
"Does he...?"
Gwen shakes her head quickly, a little surprised that it's relief that's rushing through her as she realizes what Esther's asking. "No, no, I... I think he's a bit lost right now, and.... It's just..."
"Complicated?"
Gwen smiles gratefully. Even if she knows Esther can’t possibly be following all of this right now, she’s putting on a good show. "Just a bit, yeah."
Esther is still watching her, and in this light, her face half hidden by the shadows, she looks impossibly young. Gwen feels her own years weighing a bit heavily on her shoulders when she considers how much has changed for her over the past few years. Responsibilities, priorities, everything about how she lives her life now - it’s light years away from Torchwood, and yet she doesn’t doubt her need to be back here for a moment.
Her heart aches when she considers what the future may hold for Esther, for Anwen - for all of them.
Esther, for her part, is still trying to lend a sympathetic ear.
"I know this probably sounds strange,” she says, her hands folded neatly in her lap in front of her. “And I know you have to be careful, classified and all that, but..." She meets Gwen's eyes in the half light. She looks tired now, Gwen realizes. There's a darkness creeping up under her eyes, a shadow of exhaustion. "I'll listen if you want me to. You can trust me."
Gwen smiles, and then bites her lip, as she considers this.
“Ah, sod it,” she thinks, and takes a deep breath.
“Me and Jack," she starts, "Well… We go back, you know? But the thing with Jack is… He’s got a bad habit of leaving people behind.”
Gwen allows herself to think of Ianto now, for the second time tonight. She thinks of him as he was to her then, not as he is now, immortalized in her mind as a sacrifice - not Jack’s last, but possibly his most significant. At least she'd like to think so. For so long, Gwen had suspected that Jack’s heart had hardened long ago, that he was incapable of truly feeling anything for anyone. But Ianto had changed that. Had helped her to understand Jack in ways she never would have come to on her own. She wonders if he’d realized how much he meant to all of them. She hoped more than anything that he had.
She thinks of him now as he’d been those short years ago, not as a hero, but as her teammate, her friend. How he’d accepted her, through everything, even when she'd taken over Jack’s role during those three months that had felt like three years. How they’d bonded over feeling left behind. Jack running off to the stars and leaving them to clean up after him.
And then Ianto had just up and left them both. And Jack had run off to the stars again.
She hadn’t had time to think of Ianto much since all this started, to be honest - she had no idea why she’d said his name on the phone to Jack just now, either. It had been relevant, she's sure it had been, but she hardly trusts her feelings right now. Maybe it had been selfish. Maybe it was none of her business who Jack slept with. Maybe she'd missed the point altogether.
“He doesn’t talk about it,” she says finally. “But he’s lost a lot of people.”
Esther nods. “I saw. In the files,” she explains. “The other members of your team.”
Gwen nods. “And normally, you’d talk about it, right? Remember them properly? But with Jack, it’s like walking on eggshells. I can’t tell what he’s thinking.”
“But you’re worried about him,” Esther says, nodding.
“Yeah,” Gwen says. She shakes her head. “He hasn't been himself.”
“Guilt,” Esther says quietly, he voice barely audible over the noise from the street outside. There aren't many cars that pass by here, but when they do, they're loud, blaring music through open windows, the bass thumping the windows, relentless.
“Sorry?”
“I was just thinking that guilt is a funny emotion." She pauses, looking thoughtful, far away. She blinks, and looks to Gwen, her eyes searching. "You said he blames himself, for their deaths?”
“Yeah... I’m sure he does." Gwen shakes her head. "I know he does.”
“Was it his fault?”
“Not exactly," she says quietly. There was a time not so long ago when she might have answered differently. But time was funny like that. It was as if one day she’d just let it all go. She was still angry, sure, but... It was different. Less solid. Easier to push aside.
"I know he would've done things differently if he'd known then what he knows now," she says. "And that's all that matters."
Esther pauses for a moment, and then smiles a little. “Even so…”
Gwen looks up.
“I trust him,” Esther says with a shrug. "Call it gut instinct, maybe, but I trust him. That's why I'm here."
“Me too,” Gwen admits with a sigh.
They share a smile, and it feels more comfortable than it probably should, given how little they really know of each other. But still, Torchwood has a habit of bringing even the most unlikely of friends together, she thinks, remembering her first days as a part of the team, the mistakes she’d made, and the bonds that came out of all of it in the end.
"It's kind of hard not to, right?" Esther adds, with a nervous little laugh. It's adorable, like a light bulb turning on in the room, infectious, and Gwen finds her own smile widening.
"Oh yeah, he definitely has a way about him. Makes an impression, right?"
"Definitely," Esther agrees. They laugh together, and then she pauses, and stands up, looking over at the monitors.
"He's lucky to have a friend like you," she says as she crosses the room and sits down, the glow of the computer screens around her cast her face in a warm, bluish glow.
"You think?"
"Absolutely," Esther assures her, before she turns her attention back to her monitor. "You've forgiven him," she adds a moment later, and then the silence around them is filled with the soft sound of her fingers tapping out a comforting rhythm in the shared space between them.
The night is over before they know it.
***
Author: analineblue
Pairing/Characters: Gwen, Esther; mentions of Jack, Ianto
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for Miracle Day S04E3 - Dead of Night
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,500
Beta: sariagray ♥
Summary: Gwen and Esther share a conversation about Jack.
Notes: Takes place directly following Jack's middle-of-the-night phone call. And I have to say, I really never thought I'd be writing Miracle Day fic three episodes in, but, well... Here I am. ;) I'm really curious as to how Esther comes across here, and Gwen too, for that matter, so... Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated. I hope you enjoy it!
**
A Space to Cross
The comets
Have such a space to cross,
Such coldness, forgetfulness.
So your gestures flake off
Warm and human, then their pink light
Bleeding and peeling
Through the black amnesias of heaven
-- The Night Dances - Sylvia Plath
**
"Is everything okay?" Esther asks from her makeshift workstation across the room. "I don't mean to pry," she adds quickly. "But that phone call..."
It takes Gwen a moment to register that Esther’s talking to her. She’s still staring at the screen of the laptop resting on top of her knees. Willing that connection back, just for a moment.
Their whole set up here - the darkened hideout of a room, lit only by the dim bluish light of Torchwood software, the bags of newly procured clothes, all of it... Gwen can't shake the parallels it draws in her mind. Clem, and the 456. Thames House. Everything feels strange, off-kilter, like some kind of alternate reality, being back here. And she can't shake the low level panic that colors the whole thing, that feeling of what if - what if this all goes down the same way; what if it's Jack that they lose this time... She's not sure how many chances she has anymore, either. She thinks of Anwen, and Rhys, and feels her pulse quicken, feels the urge to run from all of this.
Esther walks over and sits down on the couch across from her. She looks concerned. Gwen knows she has to pull herself together. She closes her eyes and breathes through her nose, slowly.
"Sorry. It's...complicated," Gwen says after a moment, not sure if she should be saying anything at all. She should probably be keeping her mouth shut, dealing with this on her own. "It's kind of... Well, parts of it, anyway... It's classified?" she finally says, offering Esther an apologetic smile.
"I know, but... try me," Esther says, and her smile is so open, so honest, that somehow Gwen finds herself searching for the right words, even though she’s pretty sure that there are no right words for any of this.
Gwen smiles. Sniffles a little. "It's just..."
"You've been in this situation before," Esther prompts, sympathetic and curious.
"Yes," Gwen whispers, nodding.
"Jack, too?"
"Jack's been everywhere," Gwen tells her, closing her eyes, and pulling a tissue out of her pocket. She blows her nose, and then takes a deep breath.
"We've both lost people. Friends. And Jack... I don't know. He blames himself. I'm worried about him.” She pauses, smiles a little self-consciously. “We've drifted apart, though. I’m not sure how to help him anymore."
"Did he tell you that, when he called? That he blames himself?"
Gwen laughs a little. "No, no of course not." She sets the laptop down on the floor next to her, and leans forward a little, meeting Esther's eyes. She raises her eyebrows. "He said that he missed me."
"Oh," Esther says, and then her eyes widen. "Oh."
"Yeah," Gwen says, her eyes widening right along with Esther's.
"Does he...?"
Gwen shakes her head quickly, a little surprised that it's relief that's rushing through her as she realizes what Esther's asking. "No, no, I... I think he's a bit lost right now, and.... It's just..."
"Complicated?"
Gwen smiles gratefully. Even if she knows Esther can’t possibly be following all of this right now, she’s putting on a good show. "Just a bit, yeah."
Esther is still watching her, and in this light, her face half hidden by the shadows, she looks impossibly young. Gwen feels her own years weighing a bit heavily on her shoulders when she considers how much has changed for her over the past few years. Responsibilities, priorities, everything about how she lives her life now - it’s light years away from Torchwood, and yet she doesn’t doubt her need to be back here for a moment.
Her heart aches when she considers what the future may hold for Esther, for Anwen - for all of them.
Esther, for her part, is still trying to lend a sympathetic ear.
"I know this probably sounds strange,” she says, her hands folded neatly in her lap in front of her. “And I know you have to be careful, classified and all that, but..." She meets Gwen's eyes in the half light. She looks tired now, Gwen realizes. There's a darkness creeping up under her eyes, a shadow of exhaustion. "I'll listen if you want me to. You can trust me."
Gwen smiles, and then bites her lip, as she considers this.
“Ah, sod it,” she thinks, and takes a deep breath.
“Me and Jack," she starts, "Well… We go back, you know? But the thing with Jack is… He’s got a bad habit of leaving people behind.”
Gwen allows herself to think of Ianto now, for the second time tonight. She thinks of him as he was to her then, not as he is now, immortalized in her mind as a sacrifice - not Jack’s last, but possibly his most significant. At least she'd like to think so. For so long, Gwen had suspected that Jack’s heart had hardened long ago, that he was incapable of truly feeling anything for anyone. But Ianto had changed that. Had helped her to understand Jack in ways she never would have come to on her own. She wonders if he’d realized how much he meant to all of them. She hoped more than anything that he had.
She thinks of him now as he’d been those short years ago, not as a hero, but as her teammate, her friend. How he’d accepted her, through everything, even when she'd taken over Jack’s role during those three months that had felt like three years. How they’d bonded over feeling left behind. Jack running off to the stars and leaving them to clean up after him.
And then Ianto had just up and left them both. And Jack had run off to the stars again.
She hadn’t had time to think of Ianto much since all this started, to be honest - she had no idea why she’d said his name on the phone to Jack just now, either. It had been relevant, she's sure it had been, but she hardly trusts her feelings right now. Maybe it had been selfish. Maybe it was none of her business who Jack slept with. Maybe she'd missed the point altogether.
“He doesn’t talk about it,” she says finally. “But he’s lost a lot of people.”
Esther nods. “I saw. In the files,” she explains. “The other members of your team.”
Gwen nods. “And normally, you’d talk about it, right? Remember them properly? But with Jack, it’s like walking on eggshells. I can’t tell what he’s thinking.”
“But you’re worried about him,” Esther says, nodding.
“Yeah,” Gwen says. She shakes her head. “He hasn't been himself.”
“Guilt,” Esther says quietly, he voice barely audible over the noise from the street outside. There aren't many cars that pass by here, but when they do, they're loud, blaring music through open windows, the bass thumping the windows, relentless.
“Sorry?”
“I was just thinking that guilt is a funny emotion." She pauses, looking thoughtful, far away. She blinks, and looks to Gwen, her eyes searching. "You said he blames himself, for their deaths?”
“Yeah... I’m sure he does." Gwen shakes her head. "I know he does.”
“Was it his fault?”
“Not exactly," she says quietly. There was a time not so long ago when she might have answered differently. But time was funny like that. It was as if one day she’d just let it all go. She was still angry, sure, but... It was different. Less solid. Easier to push aside.
"I know he would've done things differently if he'd known then what he knows now," she says. "And that's all that matters."
Esther pauses for a moment, and then smiles a little. “Even so…”
Gwen looks up.
“I trust him,” Esther says with a shrug. "Call it gut instinct, maybe, but I trust him. That's why I'm here."
“Me too,” Gwen admits with a sigh.
They share a smile, and it feels more comfortable than it probably should, given how little they really know of each other. But still, Torchwood has a habit of bringing even the most unlikely of friends together, she thinks, remembering her first days as a part of the team, the mistakes she’d made, and the bonds that came out of all of it in the end.
"It's kind of hard not to, right?" Esther adds, with a nervous little laugh. It's adorable, like a light bulb turning on in the room, infectious, and Gwen finds her own smile widening.
"Oh yeah, he definitely has a way about him. Makes an impression, right?"
"Definitely," Esther agrees. They laugh together, and then she pauses, and stands up, looking over at the monitors.
"He's lucky to have a friend like you," she says as she crosses the room and sits down, the glow of the computer screens around her cast her face in a warm, bluish glow.
"You think?"
"Absolutely," Esther assures her, before she turns her attention back to her monitor. "You've forgiven him," she adds a moment later, and then the silence around them is filled with the soft sound of her fingers tapping out a comforting rhythm in the shared space between them.
The night is over before they know it.
***