Lazy Sunday morning TutixNagayan drabble...
... Hmm, I really don't know where this came from? Probably because I spend way too much time thinking about why Nagayan always looks so tired. *nod* And then last night, Jeremy had a really long concert, and for some reason I always find myself writing things in my head during these things (when I suppose I should be listening and paying attention?) And so yeah, this came about last night during the 1812 Overture, oddly enough. O_o And then I was too tired to write it when we got home, so... I wrote it this morning! ^_^
And it's funny - I've been wanting to write something in the first person from Nagayan's POV for a long time now, but for some reason it never seems to come out right... And so this is a first. *nod* (And I apologize for the somewhat abrupt ending and random sappiness. ^_~)
And hehe... In case anyone happenned to see this post a few minutes ago? I decided this was better characterized as drabble since it seems to be a little more unfinished than I realized at first. *nod* :P
“Hey.”
The word moves through the darkness. A warm hand on my back. Comforting, even though I can tell he’s half-asleep by his voice.
“Can’t sleep?” He mumbles the words but doesn’t sit up, just pulls himself closer to me on the bed, and I can feel his breath warming the space between us gradually.
I nod, realizing too late how silly this is in the dark and draw a shaking hand across my brow, trembling a little, feeling the sweat there and wondering what’s wrong with me. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal.
But I love that he’s here right now, at least. I realize that I love this more than anything, and that maybe this is why I feel like I can’t do this. Because if I leave and come back and this is gone, I…
“Have you been like this all week?” He’s sitting up now, next to me, and I watch his eyes adjust to the darkness, as he studies me. He’s awake now, alert and attentive. I feel lucky.
I shake my head though, because it’s really just tonight. That I close my eyes and…see things I don’t want to see. Conversations I don’t want to have, and missed phone calls…this emptiness that I feel when I can’t sleep. I can see it magnified and stretching forward endlessly, and even though I know it’s not even that long that I’ll be gone… it scares me.
“What’s going on? What are you thinking?”
He’s worried, and I feel guilty for a second for not speaking, and force the words past the tightness in my throat.
“Tuti, I’m fine. It’s nothing. I always get like this before I leave for a while. It’s nothing.”
And this is almost true. I am fine. I’m happy. I’ve been happy for a while. Happier than I’ve ever been, maybe. And Tuti’s here now, next to me, and he’s warm, and I can curl back up next to him and wrap my toes around his legs and… So I really have no idea. What my problem is.
“Takashi…”
He’s whispering, and wrapping his arms around me, moving his hand back and forth over the bare skin on my shoulder. I find myself relaxing for a second, breathing in his soft scent and smiling. And then he’s pressing his lips against my neck, strategically, all the places he knows I love most.
“Takashi, I’ll still be here when you get back.”
The words float past me, and I want to ignore them, because I realize that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about myself. Because I know how I am.
“I know we haven’t really talked about things like this very much, but…” He sounds almost nervous, and I’m surprised. “I’m really going to miss you, ok? I was even thinking that I could come up for a weekend. Or two.”
I find myself shaking my head. I've thought of this too, but...
He stares at me for a second and I can see the disappointment flash across his face before he smiles, understanding. “You’re right, I guess that would be sort of strange. But…” And he leans over and touches my face and tugs a little on my hair as he brushes it from my eyes and I realize suddenly that I’m going to cry watching him like this. I move to turn away but he won’t let me.
“I trust you. So stop worrying, ok?”
I nod, and try to let these words that I’ve heard so many times before sink in. Because I really think that he means them, though I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve it.
“Two months…” I find myself whispering, not sure how I was planning to finish that thought, or if there even was a thought there to begin with. But I move closer to him. Because I need to.
“Two months.” And he’s nodding, and smiling, and pulling me down next to him, kissing me.
“Two months of missing me, right?” he says, breaking the kiss, and he pulls me close, so close that he’s squeezing the breath out of me and I can’t say anything even if I wanted to, so instead I just wrap my arms around his back, and bury my face against the warm skin of his neck. I’m smiling though, and I wonder if he can tell.
We lay there like this for a few minutes before we each shift into sleeping positions. I feel his chest rise and fall against my back steadily, and I realize that I’m straining to feel his breath against my neck as I close my eyes.
I know that I’ll be able to sleep now, I can feel it, but… I almost don’t want to. I want to remember this feeling, I want to remember the shape of this body next to me, and the weight of his breath. I want to remember everything… Just in case.
It's different kind of sleeplessness than I'm used to, but... I don't mind.
And it's funny - I've been wanting to write something in the first person from Nagayan's POV for a long time now, but for some reason it never seems to come out right... And so this is a first. *nod* (And I apologize for the somewhat abrupt ending and random sappiness. ^_~)
And hehe... In case anyone happenned to see this post a few minutes ago? I decided this was better characterized as drabble since it seems to be a little more unfinished than I realized at first. *nod* :P
“Hey.”
The word moves through the darkness. A warm hand on my back. Comforting, even though I can tell he’s half-asleep by his voice.
“Can’t sleep?” He mumbles the words but doesn’t sit up, just pulls himself closer to me on the bed, and I can feel his breath warming the space between us gradually.
I nod, realizing too late how silly this is in the dark and draw a shaking hand across my brow, trembling a little, feeling the sweat there and wondering what’s wrong with me. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal.
But I love that he’s here right now, at least. I realize that I love this more than anything, and that maybe this is why I feel like I can’t do this. Because if I leave and come back and this is gone, I…
“Have you been like this all week?” He’s sitting up now, next to me, and I watch his eyes adjust to the darkness, as he studies me. He’s awake now, alert and attentive. I feel lucky.
I shake my head though, because it’s really just tonight. That I close my eyes and…see things I don’t want to see. Conversations I don’t want to have, and missed phone calls…this emptiness that I feel when I can’t sleep. I can see it magnified and stretching forward endlessly, and even though I know it’s not even that long that I’ll be gone… it scares me.
“What’s going on? What are you thinking?”
He’s worried, and I feel guilty for a second for not speaking, and force the words past the tightness in my throat.
“Tuti, I’m fine. It’s nothing. I always get like this before I leave for a while. It’s nothing.”
And this is almost true. I am fine. I’m happy. I’ve been happy for a while. Happier than I’ve ever been, maybe. And Tuti’s here now, next to me, and he’s warm, and I can curl back up next to him and wrap my toes around his legs and… So I really have no idea. What my problem is.
“Takashi…”
He’s whispering, and wrapping his arms around me, moving his hand back and forth over the bare skin on my shoulder. I find myself relaxing for a second, breathing in his soft scent and smiling. And then he’s pressing his lips against my neck, strategically, all the places he knows I love most.
“Takashi, I’ll still be here when you get back.”
The words float past me, and I want to ignore them, because I realize that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about myself. Because I know how I am.
“I know we haven’t really talked about things like this very much, but…” He sounds almost nervous, and I’m surprised. “I’m really going to miss you, ok? I was even thinking that I could come up for a weekend. Or two.”
I find myself shaking my head. I've thought of this too, but...
He stares at me for a second and I can see the disappointment flash across his face before he smiles, understanding. “You’re right, I guess that would be sort of strange. But…” And he leans over and touches my face and tugs a little on my hair as he brushes it from my eyes and I realize suddenly that I’m going to cry watching him like this. I move to turn away but he won’t let me.
“I trust you. So stop worrying, ok?”
I nod, and try to let these words that I’ve heard so many times before sink in. Because I really think that he means them, though I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve it.
“Two months…” I find myself whispering, not sure how I was planning to finish that thought, or if there even was a thought there to begin with. But I move closer to him. Because I need to.
“Two months.” And he’s nodding, and smiling, and pulling me down next to him, kissing me.
“Two months of missing me, right?” he says, breaking the kiss, and he pulls me close, so close that he’s squeezing the breath out of me and I can’t say anything even if I wanted to, so instead I just wrap my arms around his back, and bury my face against the warm skin of his neck. I’m smiling though, and I wonder if he can tell.
We lay there like this for a few minutes before we each shift into sleeping positions. I feel his chest rise and fall against my back steadily, and I realize that I’m straining to feel his breath against my neck as I close my eyes.
I know that I’ll be able to sleep now, I can feel it, but… I almost don’t want to. I want to remember this feeling, I want to remember the shape of this body next to me, and the weight of his breath. I want to remember everything… Just in case.
It's different kind of sleeplessness than I'm used to, but... I don't mind.