this is an excellent first attempt at a sex scene. It's rushed, and impressionistic; you did not present us with the full laundry list of sensations and minutiae that makes bad porn boring and comical. You've written a hurried scuffle in what I assume is the bedroom of the person both characters wish they were having sex with.
A few things I noticed:
". . .of the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips" is 'of' supposed to be 'off'? it could work either way. Also, 'breaths' kind of clunks, I would use 'breath'
. . . peaking through ugly beige curtains . . ." 'peaking' should be 'peeking', and, since you've said 'the sun' and 'the red pillows' you should say 'the ugly beige curtains'.
Otherwise, this is really well done. I wouldn't call it pron, though; porn is just sex, this has a backstory, and something at stake. You could make this scene into an entire story, which you can't, with porn.
Hey Maggie! Like I said, I'm one of your editors for this week (aren't you excited?!). I'm kinda tough, so don't be mad at me!
The first kiss is a mistake too late to take back, all teeth and no tongue and completely desperate. This first sentence starts out really nicely, and I like the tone, but there's a little bit of a problem because of its length. While using a lot of "ands" can lend to the air of desperation, you have to be careful about making awkward run-ons. Also, "all teeth and no tongue" feels like a phrase that's overused. It takes him by surprise, but he finds himself feeding of for the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips. She almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his and both their bodies are blind, tingling and pretending, and then they’re on the bed. Nice description here. I like how you switch between him and her. I'm not sure about how she "almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his..." because they are connected in blindness, but I don't think they would be connected in the act of
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With a harsh intake of breath, he bites her lip as her hand crawls inside his pants, the other hand’s thumb rubbing a small circle on the bare skin of his back. Her thumb is cool and gentle against his feverish skin. I like here how the writing is vague, but the reader can still clearly visualize what's going on. He wonders vaguely through the haze when he lost his shirt and tie. She’s pushing up against him, bra still on but stiff dress pulled down around her waist. She falters in her rhythm for a moment when she feels one of his hands grab a foot, peeling off her pantyhose so he can play absently with her toes EW FEET! Hahaha, and the other slides slowly up the inside of her thigh, tickling and tender. She gasps softly as his fingers find their destination, and tightens her fingers which in turn make him gasp. The bed groans at their frustrations, and now they’re not sitting up anymore. Creaking springs work furiously and the guests downstairs would be blushing and trading awkward glances and snickering and making dirty jokes if the
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I really liked this piece -- the reveal at the end was nice, and very unexpected. It's a different style than you usually do, and I can see how you've written in a tone that is appropriate to the piece. In writing a different style or tone, you have to be really careful about grammar because it's unfamiliar. In this case, using conjunctions and long-but-quickly-paced sentences adds to the tone, but run-ons are still no-nos
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this is an excellent first attempt at a sex scene. It's rushed, and impressionistic; you did not present us with the full laundry list of sensations and minutiae that makes bad porn boring and comical. You've written a hurried scuffle in what I assume is the bedroom of the person both characters wish they were having sex with.
A few things I noticed:
". . .of the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips" is 'of' supposed to be 'off'? it could work either way. Also, 'breaths' kind of clunks, I would use 'breath'
. . . peaking through ugly beige curtains . . ." 'peaking' should be 'peeking', and, since you've said 'the sun' and 'the red pillows' you should say 'the ugly beige curtains'.
Otherwise, this is really well done. I wouldn't call it pron, though; porn is just sex, this has a backstory, and something at stake. You could make this scene into an entire story, which you can't, with porn.
Well done!
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The first kiss is a mistake too late to take back, all teeth and no tongue and completely desperate. This first sentence starts out really nicely, and I like the tone, but there's a little bit of a problem because of its length. While using a lot of "ands" can lend to the air of desperation, you have to be careful about making awkward run-ons. Also, "all teeth and no tongue" feels like a phrase that's overused. It takes him by surprise, but he finds himself feeding of for the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips. She almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his and both their bodies are blind, tingling and pretending, and then they’re on the bed. Nice description here. I like how you switch between him and her. I'm not sure about how she "almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his..." because they are connected in blindness, but I don't think they would be connected in the act of ( ... )
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((GREAT JOB, EDITOR!!!)) >.>
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