Hey Maggie! Like I said, I'm one of your editors for this week (aren't you excited?!). I'm kinda tough, so don't be mad at me!
The first kiss is a mistake too late to take back, all teeth and no tongue and completely desperate. This first sentence starts out really nicely, and I like the tone, but there's a little bit of a problem because of its length. While using a lot of "ands" can lend to the air of desperation, you have to be careful about making awkward run-ons. Also, "all teeth and no tongue" feels like a phrase that's overused. It takes him by surprise, but he finds himself feeding of for the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips. She almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his and both their bodies are blind, tingling and pretending, and then they’re on the bed. Nice description here. I like how you switch between him and her. I'm not sure about how she "almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his..." because they are connected in blindness, but I don't think they would be connected in the act of becoming blind. I don't know if that makes sense... Anyway, great image. Squeaking in protest at their combined weight, the patch-quilt covered bed smells of old crayons and dust, of memories and better times. The blue walls have a reddish tint from the sunlight peaking peeking through ugly beige curtains and glancing off the red pillows.
With a harsh intake of breath, he bites her lip as her hand crawls inside his pants, the other hand’s thumb rubbing a small circle on the bare skin of his back. Her thumb is cool and gentle against his feverish skin. I like here how the writing is vague, but the reader can still clearly visualize what's going on. He wonders vaguely through the haze when he lost his shirt and tie. She’s pushing up against him, bra still on but stiff dress pulled down around her waist. She falters in her rhythm for a moment when she feels one of his hands grab a foot, peeling off her pantyhose so he can play absently with her toes EW FEET! Hahaha, and the other slides slowly up the inside of her thigh, tickling and tender. She gasps softly as his fingers find their destination, and tightens her fingers which in turn make him gasp. The bed groans at their frustrations, and now they’re not sitting up anymore. Creaking springs work furiously and the guests downstairs would be blushing and trading awkward glances and snickering and making dirty jokes if the stereo wasn’t blasting a cheesy love ballad and the live band outside wasn’t making the house shake softly with its bass. Her head smashes roughly against the cherry headboard and he slams his elbow into the bedside lamp, but there is no stopping and no moaning and no dirty talk and no giggles, just clinging and slipping, sweaty skin and then a quiet, collective sigh-sob of,
“-Jack! (Oh, Jack…!)” I'm not sure about this formatting here. I would instead use a dash after "of" and then a space like you have here, then two separate lines saying "Jack!" and "Oh Jack!" This would be a little more clear.
Tears pool at the corners of two sets of eyes, finally open and staring into one another, This phrase has a grammar problem -- the subject is tears, but you're really talking about eyes. and then her tears trickle over and his nose begins to run. She chuckles a bit through the tears and then for-real cries, and he lies beside her, letting her tears fall onto his arms as he lets his fall into her hair. A sad, sweating scent envelops the room and she’s glad she locked the door. He’s glad too. They can stay here for a minute, not listening to the low buzz of voices and laughter against the faint music from outside-just listening to their own tears and woes in the company of another who does not care and will not judge. Because once crayons and musty air replaces the stench of grief and doomed desire, they will put on happy smiles that barely reach their eyes and be the best man and maid of honor who are in love with the now-married groom. This should be a separate sentence. It's just too long, and the impact the phrase makes is lost because of exhaustion from reading. But for now, they can cry and curse and fling snot on stupid red pillows, asking how to make this ache go away and thirsting for an answer they know won’t be easily found, if ever found at all.
Two mockingbirds sing in the tree outside the bedroom's window, lonely against the cacophony of life. Though this line is really beautiful and great to read, I'm not sure if I like them here. I'm not really a fan of concluding sentences or paragraphs, so maybe I shouldn't judge. Haha.
I really liked this piece -- the reveal at the end was nice, and very unexpected. It's a different style than you usually do, and I can see how you've written in a tone that is appropriate to the piece. In writing a different style or tone, you have to be really careful about grammar because it's unfamiliar. In this case, using conjunctions and long-but-quickly-paced sentences adds to the tone, but run-ons are still no-nos!
Also, on the topic of pace, I really liked your rhythm in some parts of the story, and then was a little confused in other parts. For example, at the beginning, the fast pace of the words went really well with what was going on, but at the end, the pace didn't really slow down while the subject of the story did. This can be done by varying lengths of sentences; long lines, like at the beginning, tend to be read faster, and then short lines tend to be read slower because of the finality of the period (you can also slow readers down by using longer words). The melancholy at the end should have led to a slower pace, and did, but only in the last sentence. This especially showed in the reveal of the groom as the person these two were in love with, because readers need time to interpret what just happened.
I need to come see youuuuuu! Except I'm sick right now, so I won't come give you swine cooties. :O (JUST KIDDING! I don't really think it's swine flu, I don't have a fever--just a really bad cough and clogged nose.)
The first kiss is a mistake too late to take back, all teeth and no tongue and completely desperate. This first sentence starts out really nicely, and I like the tone, but there's a little bit of a problem because of its length. While using a lot of "ands" can lend to the air of desperation, you have to be careful about making awkward run-ons. Also, "all teeth and no tongue" feels like a phrase that's overused. It takes him by surprise, but he finds himself feeding of for the urgency of her hot breaths on his lips. She almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his and both their bodies are blind, tingling and pretending, and then they’re on the bed. Nice description here. I like how you switch between him and her. I'm not sure about how she "almost flutters open her eyes, but then he closes his..." because they are connected in blindness, but I don't think they would be connected in the act of becoming blind. I don't know if that makes sense... Anyway, great image. Squeaking in protest at their combined weight, the patch-quilt covered bed smells of old crayons and dust, of memories and better times. The blue walls have a reddish tint from the sunlight peaking peeking through ugly beige curtains and glancing off the red pillows.
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“-Jack! (Oh, Jack…!)” I'm not sure about this formatting here. I would instead use a dash after "of" and then a space like you have here, then two separate lines saying "Jack!" and "Oh Jack!" This would be a little more clear.
Tears pool at the corners of two sets of eyes, finally open and staring into one another, This phrase has a grammar problem -- the subject is tears, but you're really talking about eyes. and then her tears trickle over and his nose begins to run. She chuckles a bit through the tears and then for-real cries, and he lies beside her, letting her tears fall onto his arms as he lets his fall into her hair. A sad, sweating scent envelops the room and she’s glad she locked the door. He’s glad too. They can stay here for a minute, not listening to the low buzz of voices and laughter against the faint music from outside-just listening to their own tears and woes in the company of another who does not care and will not judge. Because once crayons and musty air replaces the stench of grief and doomed desire, they will put on happy smiles that barely reach their eyes and be the best man and maid of honor who are in love with the now-married groom. This should be a separate sentence. It's just too long, and the impact the phrase makes is lost because of exhaustion from reading. But for now, they can cry and curse and fling snot on stupid red pillows, asking how to make this ache go away and thirsting for an answer they know won’t be easily found, if ever found at all.
Two mockingbirds sing in the tree outside the bedroom's window, lonely against the cacophony of life. Though this line is really beautiful and great to read, I'm not sure if I like them here. I'm not really a fan of concluding sentences or paragraphs, so maybe I shouldn't judge. Haha.
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Also, on the topic of pace, I really liked your rhythm in some parts of the story, and then was a little confused in other parts. For example, at the beginning, the fast pace of the words went really well with what was going on, but at the end, the pace didn't really slow down while the subject of the story did. This can be done by varying lengths of sentences; long lines, like at the beginning, tend to be read faster, and then short lines tend to be read slower because of the finality of the period (you can also slow readers down by using longer words). The melancholy at the end should have led to a slower pace, and did, but only in the last sentence. This especially showed in the reveal of the groom as the person these two were in love with, because readers need time to interpret what just happened.
I hope this edit wasn't too tough!
<3,
Kelly
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((GREAT JOB, EDITOR!!!)) >.>
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WHAT A FAB EDIT. Thanks so much! :DDD
I need to come see youuuuuu! Except I'm sick right now, so I won't come give you swine cooties. :O (JUST KIDDING! I don't really think it's swine flu, I don't have a fever--just a really bad cough and clogged nose.)
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