daddy's little blunt instrument (and other thoughts)
I should really try to write this in a coherent fashion. Maybe I'll come back and do that later.
But there was a line from Dean in 5.18 that stuck out and didn't quite fit for me: I’m tired, man. I’m tired of fighting who I'm supposed to be.
I didn't get it at first. I kept thinking it sounded more like a line that should come from Sam, given his worries about his destiny going back to like the first season. I've been thinking so much about Dean's "role" as "hero," as Michael's vessel, that I'd forgotten what the show initially called him: Michael's sword.
And dafnap and I were chatting about Dean today, and Dean as child soldier, and how scared Dean was of his own ability to kill without second thought in 1.22.
And how this theme gets repeated sporadically -- in 3.10: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument.
in 4.16: Anna to Cas: Torturing? That's God's work? Stop him, Cas, please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.
I'm pretty sure there are more references to Dean as weapon, but that's when it hit me what he was talking about to Sam in the panic room: Not that he's meant to be Michael, but that he's meant to be Michael's weapon.
He's tired of fighting who (he thinks) he's supposed to be: a weapon that kills without conscience. And being Michael's sword? He's actually gotten to the point where he wants that oblivion. He's tired of trying to worry about those billions of people that he can't save. At least as Michael's weapon, he can save some of them, instead of damning everyone to hell if he fails on his own. He's been to hell. He's been to heaven. Heaven might just be The Matrix, but it's not hell.
So uh, yeah. Remembering Dean as Weapon made that bit make a whole lot of sense for me. Because Dean =/= Michael. Dean = Michael's sword.
Which is horrifying. I've been talking a lot about family roles, but I forgot that one of Dean's roles was as Daddy's Blunt Little Instrument. At least, in his mind. And I think this is intimately tied up with Dean as "hero" (in the dysfunctional family roles sense) but also with Dean's performance of masculinity. Because one extreme form of that kind of masculinity, I think, is the ability to kill without conscience. We call those folks heroes, sometimes.
...
I also have random thoughts about The Green Room! And why it's awesome that it's located in LA! Because as you probably know, in theater, a green room is where the performers hang out when they're not needed on stage. And both times the Green Room has shown up on SPN, it's been in that capacity: where the vessel is taken to hang out, waiting to become an angel condom. There's even catering. So when it's revealed that Zach's Green Room is really an old abandoned set of some kind? OH SHOW. It's all about roles and who's playing the game, and who's not, and the consequences. Because those roles are not the truth. The truth is Sam and Dean and everyone else aren't actors, they're people, and squeezing them into these restrictive roles is destroying the world.
...
And I have other thoughts on how Dean acts after they zap him to Bobby's: the way he chooses his words very carefully. I know that the lines to Cas were fan service; but I think they work as well in the context of Dean as Michael's possession, and how sexual the language has been around the whole angelic vessel thing. Cas is an angel, even if he's not one of the angels trying to get Dean to say yes to Michael (and god i have thoughts about Cas as kind of an obsessed stalker boyfriend in this ep: he's transferred all of his fervor and loyalty to Dean, and when that goes bad he beats the hell out of Dean); I can see him as a convenient target for some of Dean's ire. Dean was planning to say Yes to Michael before they stopped him; Dean's constantly spoken of being a vessel in sexualized terms (angel condom? and referring to his "sweet ass" to Zach?), and in the context of last week, where it's clear Dean was planning on trading himself for a list of conditions, as if giving his body to Michael is explicitly a transaction.
So I actually do think it works on a level outside of tossing the ship a bone. I'm just not entirely sure how to articulate it.
...
But back to the panic room: Dean is shown first searching the room for something. Then Sam comes to talk to him. Then Castiel comes, and we see that Dean's been searching for a sharp edge the entire time, and found one in the glass of a lightbulb. And how this fits in with how Dean uses his words to Bobby, Sam and Cas: picking out an edged weapon with each of them. With Bobby it's his status as family, with Sam it's his fear of being a monster, with Cas it's profane, it's human sex.
Because they stopped him and he's too tired to be angry about it, really, but he's not going to pretend he's happy either. His reactions are very pointed - no pun intended - oh okay a little. As dafnap pointed out to me, he pauses before he throws the father thing at Bobby. And his words to Sam were tired, were straight forward -- not impulsive at all. Chosen precisely for their effect, all the more devastating because I think Dean meant them. To Sam, to Bobby, to Cas. And when you compare this with what people have been able to transcribe from Dean's suicide letter, the contrast is stark: those were words of love and family. But they stopped him, and so he's pulling out all the ugly things he can, using them as weapons, because that's all he feels is left of himself: he's a blunt instrument, and he's going to get the job done.
...
I know fandom is revelling in the ending of this ep, but I just. I don't read it as quite the turn around that others are, I guess. Maybe it's my pessimism! Or how every season ends tragically. But if you watch that last scene in the truck with the sound off? Dean's expression doesn't match his words. At all. Sam is relieved, and almost giddy with it, smiling, he's so relieved. And Dean's eyes are dead. And he's not smiling. He almost almost does, when Sam's reacting to Dean's line about fighting back, but that almost smile just falls off his face like he doesn't even have the energy to sustain it.
He tells Sam something Sam's been wanting to hear for a long time: both the bit about treating him like an adult, and the bit about taking the battle into their own hands -- Sam's been at him to get mad, to fight, since season 4. But this speech to Sam in the truck is... eerily similar to the speech Dean gave Bobby in 5.01. The speech he told Sam was a load of B.S.
Dean in 5.01: I'm serious. I mean, screw the angels and the demons and their crap apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war, they can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on. We kill the devil. Hell, we even kill Michael if we have to. But we do it our own damn selves.
Dean in 5.18: So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way. [note the sexual language again: blow me, cas; screw destiny in the face...]
Dean to Sam in 5.01: I just said a bunch of crap for Bobby's benefit...I mean, I'll fight. I'll fight till the last man, but let's at least be honest. I mean, we don't stand a snowball's chance, and you know that. I mean, hell, you of all people know that.
Notice that he and Sam don't resolve any of the issues Dean threw at Sam either in the motel in Cicero or in the panic room. I... guess I think this is intentional. Because this is Dean's MO: smoothing things over when the going gets tough. It's just that in the last several episodes he was in such a free-fall that he lost even that ability. I think he pulled up out of his death spiral just enough not to hit the ground in this ep. I'm not so sure the plummet was stopped, though.
Again, Dean's words were really specific: he tells Sam he couldn't go through with it with Michael because Sam was there, and watching. He couldn't go through with it because he couldn't stand to let Sam down. Big difference, to me, from somehow finding the will to live again, to saying No for himself.
GOD I'M A DOWNER. SORRY! I will be TOTALLY ECSTATIC to find this is all wrong. Especially since I do think that talk in the car could be a healthy step: Dean letting go of protecting Sam, of trying to control Sam. Letting Sam be an adult, which includes letting Sam fuck up. But Sam and Dean both are still referring to Dean himself with the old roles: Big Brother/Parental figure. So.
uh, I guess we'll find out?
But there was a line from Dean in 5.18 that stuck out and didn't quite fit for me: I’m tired, man. I’m tired of fighting who I'm supposed to be.
I didn't get it at first. I kept thinking it sounded more like a line that should come from Sam, given his worries about his destiny going back to like the first season. I've been thinking so much about Dean's "role" as "hero," as Michael's vessel, that I'd forgotten what the show initially called him: Michael's sword.
And dafnap and I were chatting about Dean today, and Dean as child soldier, and how scared Dean was of his own ability to kill without second thought in 1.22.
And how this theme gets repeated sporadically -- in 3.10: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument.
in 4.16: Anna to Cas: Torturing? That's God's work? Stop him, Cas, please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.
I'm pretty sure there are more references to Dean as weapon, but that's when it hit me what he was talking about to Sam in the panic room: Not that he's meant to be Michael, but that he's meant to be Michael's weapon.
He's tired of fighting who (he thinks) he's supposed to be: a weapon that kills without conscience. And being Michael's sword? He's actually gotten to the point where he wants that oblivion. He's tired of trying to worry about those billions of people that he can't save. At least as Michael's weapon, he can save some of them, instead of damning everyone to hell if he fails on his own. He's been to hell. He's been to heaven. Heaven might just be The Matrix, but it's not hell.
So uh, yeah. Remembering Dean as Weapon made that bit make a whole lot of sense for me. Because Dean =/= Michael. Dean = Michael's sword.
Which is horrifying. I've been talking a lot about family roles, but I forgot that one of Dean's roles was as Daddy's Blunt Little Instrument. At least, in his mind. And I think this is intimately tied up with Dean as "hero" (in the dysfunctional family roles sense) but also with Dean's performance of masculinity. Because one extreme form of that kind of masculinity, I think, is the ability to kill without conscience. We call those folks heroes, sometimes.
...
I also have random thoughts about The Green Room! And why it's awesome that it's located in LA! Because as you probably know, in theater, a green room is where the performers hang out when they're not needed on stage. And both times the Green Room has shown up on SPN, it's been in that capacity: where the vessel is taken to hang out, waiting to become an angel condom. There's even catering. So when it's revealed that Zach's Green Room is really an old abandoned set of some kind? OH SHOW. It's all about roles and who's playing the game, and who's not, and the consequences. Because those roles are not the truth. The truth is Sam and Dean and everyone else aren't actors, they're people, and squeezing them into these restrictive roles is destroying the world.
...
And I have other thoughts on how Dean acts after they zap him to Bobby's: the way he chooses his words very carefully. I know that the lines to Cas were fan service; but I think they work as well in the context of Dean as Michael's possession, and how sexual the language has been around the whole angelic vessel thing. Cas is an angel, even if he's not one of the angels trying to get Dean to say yes to Michael (and god i have thoughts about Cas as kind of an obsessed stalker boyfriend in this ep: he's transferred all of his fervor and loyalty to Dean, and when that goes bad he beats the hell out of Dean); I can see him as a convenient target for some of Dean's ire. Dean was planning to say Yes to Michael before they stopped him; Dean's constantly spoken of being a vessel in sexualized terms (angel condom? and referring to his "sweet ass" to Zach?), and in the context of last week, where it's clear Dean was planning on trading himself for a list of conditions, as if giving his body to Michael is explicitly a transaction.
So I actually do think it works on a level outside of tossing the ship a bone. I'm just not entirely sure how to articulate it.
...
But back to the panic room: Dean is shown first searching the room for something. Then Sam comes to talk to him. Then Castiel comes, and we see that Dean's been searching for a sharp edge the entire time, and found one in the glass of a lightbulb. And how this fits in with how Dean uses his words to Bobby, Sam and Cas: picking out an edged weapon with each of them. With Bobby it's his status as family, with Sam it's his fear of being a monster, with Cas it's profane, it's human sex.
Because they stopped him and he's too tired to be angry about it, really, but he's not going to pretend he's happy either. His reactions are very pointed - no pun intended - oh okay a little. As dafnap pointed out to me, he pauses before he throws the father thing at Bobby. And his words to Sam were tired, were straight forward -- not impulsive at all. Chosen precisely for their effect, all the more devastating because I think Dean meant them. To Sam, to Bobby, to Cas. And when you compare this with what people have been able to transcribe from Dean's suicide letter, the contrast is stark: those were words of love and family. But they stopped him, and so he's pulling out all the ugly things he can, using them as weapons, because that's all he feels is left of himself: he's a blunt instrument, and he's going to get the job done.
...
I know fandom is revelling in the ending of this ep, but I just. I don't read it as quite the turn around that others are, I guess. Maybe it's my pessimism! Or how every season ends tragically. But if you watch that last scene in the truck with the sound off? Dean's expression doesn't match his words. At all. Sam is relieved, and almost giddy with it, smiling, he's so relieved. And Dean's eyes are dead. And he's not smiling. He almost almost does, when Sam's reacting to Dean's line about fighting back, but that almost smile just falls off his face like he doesn't even have the energy to sustain it.
He tells Sam something Sam's been wanting to hear for a long time: both the bit about treating him like an adult, and the bit about taking the battle into their own hands -- Sam's been at him to get mad, to fight, since season 4. But this speech to Sam in the truck is... eerily similar to the speech Dean gave Bobby in 5.01. The speech he told Sam was a load of B.S.
Dean in 5.01: I'm serious. I mean, screw the angels and the demons and their crap apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war, they can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on. We kill the devil. Hell, we even kill Michael if we have to. But we do it our own damn selves.
Dean in 5.18: So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way. [note the sexual language again: blow me, cas; screw destiny in the face...]
Dean to Sam in 5.01: I just said a bunch of crap for Bobby's benefit...I mean, I'll fight. I'll fight till the last man, but let's at least be honest. I mean, we don't stand a snowball's chance, and you know that. I mean, hell, you of all people know that.
Notice that he and Sam don't resolve any of the issues Dean threw at Sam either in the motel in Cicero or in the panic room. I... guess I think this is intentional. Because this is Dean's MO: smoothing things over when the going gets tough. It's just that in the last several episodes he was in such a free-fall that he lost even that ability. I think he pulled up out of his death spiral just enough not to hit the ground in this ep. I'm not so sure the plummet was stopped, though.
Again, Dean's words were really specific: he tells Sam he couldn't go through with it with Michael because Sam was there, and watching. He couldn't go through with it because he couldn't stand to let Sam down. Big difference, to me, from somehow finding the will to live again, to saying No for himself.
GOD I'M A DOWNER. SORRY! I will be TOTALLY ECSTATIC to find this is all wrong. Especially since I do think that talk in the car could be a healthy step: Dean letting go of protecting Sam, of trying to control Sam. Letting Sam be an adult, which includes letting Sam fuck up. But Sam and Dean both are still referring to Dean himself with the old roles: Big Brother/Parental figure. So.
uh, I guess we'll find out?