Never Let Me Go - HITTER (b)
Author: 
kitcountssouls
Rating: mostly PG-13 and R for a few scenes
Category: drama, romance, bildungsroman
Characters & Pairings: Lionel Messi/Cesc Fabregas/Gerard Pique with bits of Messi/Cesc & Cesc/Pique
Length: 11090 words posted in 2 parts
Warning: teenagers (underage for most of the fic, but normal sexual development is taken in consideration)
Summary: Lionel-centric foster home AU where three boys make a pact to never let each other go. As they grow up, life makes them understand things don't always pan out as one thinks.
Disclaimer: this is fiction, i make no profit
Authors Notes: inspired by Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers wherefrom I picked the mangled threesome idea & Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go (borrowing the title obviously) to which the eerie atmosphere I tried to create is reminiscent of; beta'ed by
calypso_63 and written for the
footballslash holiday exchange 2011
seventeen
Their nakedness contrasts violently with the topic they're discussing. Ever since they managed to find the key to the attic, they’ve turned it into their very own fortress of pleasure and debates.
Lionel had the idea, as usual. Even well into his teen years, he still looks overly adorable, as innocent as a 10 year old and the Sisters never suspect he's up to no good when he enquires about the keys to various rooms in the Home.
Gerard was with the execution, as usual. Even if he's ever so tall now (almost 1.90 m tall, Sister Joana announced on their last measuring), he's still sleek enough and so fast, that he can sneak in almost anywhere.
Cesc was left to repossess as many pillows as possible and perhaps another blanket, in order to make their little boudoir as comfortable as possible.
So, now they can enjoy the finest conversations in the nude, splayed across the unfolded couch, and not worrying about any of the Sisters or the kids walking in on them.
(Gerard has also spread the rumor that the attic is haunted, so now most of the kids don't go anywhere near it.)
"Tell me, Lio. Is that really your favorite scene in Star Wars?" Gerard's hand rests on Lio's thigh.
"You bet. It's the most intriguing scene of all."
"Really? I always thought that every orphan would like the scene where Vader reveals he's Luke's father. Isn't that what we all dream of? To learn we have a father?"
"Well. Perhaps not a father that just chopped my hand off." Gerard nudges Cesc and then reaches over to kiss his chest.
"That is a good scene indeed. But think about it. Vader may be Luke's father, but until the moment he rescues his son from the Emperor, he's still the bad guy,” Lionel continues unperturbed as Gerard and Cesc kiss again and again, getting hard as their bodies clash against each other.
"Lio," Cesc says breathlessly, as soon as he can break away from Gerard's mouth, which takes a southward route.
"Yes Cesc."
"Do you hones -" he yelps as Gerard takes him in his mouth, “ - honestly think all people have good in them, and that - "
It's Lio's mouth covering Cesc's now, interrupting him again, and Lio kisses Cesc like that because he doesn't want to be questioned again about his fixation with Darth Vader's overturn. And also because he enjoys being part of this, of whatever this is.
*
"Did you hear that Jordi has a girlfriend now?"
It's always Gerard with the gossip.
"I cannot believe that! Jordi is horrible. Why would anyone want to date Jordi?” Cesc comments.
"Because the best of them are here, in the attic, together." Gerard winks and kisses Cesc hard on the lips, teeth clattering and tongues clashing.
Lionel is next, but Gerard is gentle and Cesc can see it.
"You're always so tender with Lio," he complains. "He's not made of glass, you know. One time when he and I were to - "
Lionel's disturbed gaze stops him, and Cesc covers his mouth immediately. They have decided to never bring up the past, the past where Cesc was living a triple life, as Lio's sole lover, as Gerard's sole lover and as both of their best friend. They all know about it, but they’ve decided it’s too hurtful to bring it up.
For almost 8 months, Lionel has tried his best to accept the situation and just go with the flow. His relationship with Gerard has actually improved and the feelings of care turned out to be genuine and mutual. His relationship with Cesc is interrupted, for lack of a better word. There are times when he feels things are good between them, as part of the magnificent Meliquina trio, times when he doesn't feel Cesc's betrayal as sharply as in the beginning. But it's still there. And it will always be there. They both know they cannot go back though, so they try to forget about it.
He works hard at school and when they all come into the attic (and it's almost questionable they haven't asked the Head Sister to move in there permanently) he wants to feel good and leave all the heartache he once felt behind.
He knows what they have is unique and Gerard knows too, as Gerard organizes things all the time, little trips around the city, or to Montjuic or to Barceloneta, so it could be just the three of them outside the attic too, but sometimes he feels Cesc is not as in as he should be, as they all are. He wants to keep himself in this threesome and in this careless, carefree state of mind for as long as possible, before the cold hard world they'll be released into very soon will change them, but all the unspoken things between him and Cesc make it hard sometimes.
As usual, it's Gerard who takes on shooing the pink elephant out of the room, Gerard whose feeling of guilt makes him the sweetest and most diligent in keeping them all amused and happy. And so their giant friend explains that they should get girlfriends too, because the other boys are talking behind their backs and while he doesn't care and he's sure Cesc and Lio don't care either, perhaps the Sisters would care if they ever found out.
"Well, I just don't know how that would work." Cesc picks up the topic, rushing to change the sudden gloomy atmosphere in their little nest.
"What do you mean?"
"You were always a ladies’ favourite, Gerard. I''m pretty sure you'd have no problem getting a girlfriend."
"Damn straight." Gerard proceeds to beat his chest in Tarzan-like moves and all that's missing is the jungle man's mighty roar to make the picture complete.
"I did notice this girl Gia staring at me at lunch. She's been doing it for a while now," Cesc murmurs, not sure how to explain the girl's interest otherwise. "But the issue is... well, no offense Lio. But," he stops to look at his friend. "I'm not sure girls are into the nerd-slash-tragic-hero type."
"Nonsense. If I get a girlfriend and you get a girlfriend, then Lio will get a girlfriend too. All or nothing."
Gerard and Cesc argue for minutes about what kind of girls would be interested in dating Lionel, and all the while Lio remains quiet. He doesn't want a girlfriend and he can very well live without one if the others start dating.
"You do realise that if we get girlfriends, this has to stop. But if you want to get girls, I won't stop you," he says as seriously as he can.
The other two look, mouths agape, at him before erupting into protest and flattening him down with kisses and hugs. They make love slowly, savouring each others’ supple, athletic bodies with devotion and care, pleasuring each other for hours.
Whenever morning comes after such passionate nights, each of them feels satisfied and magically unbound by anything in the world. Even Lionel, who usually worries the most about the future, is calm and feels at ease, less pressured. Gerard is happy that his one brilliant idea is still brilliant and that it makes them all feel complete and safe. And Cesc loves that he didn't have to choose in the end, that he can have both of them and feel at home.
eighteen
"I got a job." Gerard announces one lazy evening when they’re all reading for school.
"What kind of job?"
"I'm gonna work in this small cafe, it's not far from here. It's not much, but it means I can save some money and we won't have nothing once we have to leave Meliquina."
Cesc is the first to congratulate Gerard, both for the job and for planning their future.
"I'll do the same, I'll ask Catarina if she knows about any jobs I could be fit for."
Then Gerard begins listing all the places that would take Cesc, as he’s already asked Sister Catarina about it, and Lio has time to prepare his comment, even though he feels horrible that he has to say it.
"But Gerard, what about your education?" he has to interrupt them, when the conversation moves to the things they would do with the money.
"It's just a part-time job, Lio. I have time for school, you think Catarina would recommend any job that made me cut school?" Gerard laughs the worries off.
"I mean. University, Gerard." He stares at Gerard and he can feel the sudden tension in the room.
"Oh Lio, you are too funny sometimes. I don't have your grades. I don't have your brain. I know my limitations and I’m very aware that I don't have an academic future."
"But you're smart Gerard, you just don't like studying!" Lio retorts and he can already feel this conversation turning into a nasty argument and hates himself for it, for being the bad guy.
"That's well put, Lionel. I don't like studying. Sure, I could probably get into some Uni, but I'd still need the money to live. You are aware that once our senior high school year is over, we will have to leave Meliquina, right? I cannot study and work, that's no life. Once I'm out of this place, I want to enjoy myself, not to slave over a diploma that I won't even care for!"
"You haven't enjoyed yourself with us?" Lio shouts out of the blue, ashamed of himself and hurting.
"That's not what I meant. You know what I meant, Lio. You know it very well that I'm not cut out for the life you think would be best for me. I'm the best at basketball, but not good enough to be selected for a professional team. Sometimes you must lower your dreams, you know? Be realistic." He shrugs, trying to keep himself calm, even though anger swells inside his heart.
"So is this your dream, to work in a cafe and do whatever you want?"
"No!" and Gerard shouts now as well, he's red in the face and close to tears of frustration. "I want us to be together. To have a nice, comfortable life. That will come with time, if we work hard and we're patient."
"You're too lazy, Gerard, and you always pick the easy route. You decided to swap English classes with basketball practice, and you're not even good enough at basketball!"
It would be funny to see scrawny, small Lio go "head to head" against tall, robust Gerard, it wasn’t so tragic. So Cesc has to intervene.
"GUYS! STOP IT!" he shouts and breaks them apart, a hand on each of his friends’ chests.
"Take that back!" Gerard mutters between his teeth and Cesc is sure he’s so close to punching Lio.
But Lionel feels he's said enough, so he runs away from the room, tears trickling down his cheeks for the first time since he was little and vowed never to cry, no matter how hard it got.
Cesc is torn, once again. He must stay with Gerard. He understands what he means when he speaks about sharing a future and just making the best of every day and he wants that. But he must also go after Lionel. He realises Lio is well intended and simply wants the best for them all, and he understands what kind of a better future Lio speaks of.
He is still standing in the same spot, thinking, over-analyzing again, and as he retreats his hand from Gerard's chest, the taller boy grabs him by the wrist.
A look is all they need to know. And decisions are made. They are similar in many ways and in more ways than either resembles Lio. They could very well share the same future.
*
Ignoring the rain, Lionel heads for the streets, his windbreaker the only protection he has against the tempest ready sky. He feels dreadful. He insulted Gerard, who has been their brick and mortar in their happiest months and he is now sure he stepped over the line.
There is no going back after what he said and he knows no neutral would ever believe he only meant well. But then again, no-one can ever convince him he's not right. He knew all along that they would come to a crossroads and that they would have to choose.
That what they have been living for almost a year and a half would have to end, and they would have to start living in the real world. He would love to be able to stay with them, to be together forever and live as carefree as possible, but that could never truly happen.
He has felt all along that he is meant for greater things. He knows that he has all the right in the world to aspire to greatness, to something with his life. Like everyone in the Foster Home, his life started out on a minus, so how could anyone blame him for wanting out, for wanting to achieve something?
But he knows what his mistake was, to believe that he could inspire Gerard and Cesc to be more like him, when all he really wanted, deep down, was to be more like them. Normal. Average. Happy with the little things.
But he's not. He's always known he's different. He tried to not make a fuss, but he cannot tie himself down, he is meant to do more with his life. He wants to go to University, he wants an intellectually stimulating job, he doesn't want to settle for what life throws at him, but rather grab life by its coat lapels and force it to give him all the gold.
He's on the list of every major University in Europe and all he has to do is apply. He knows they'd be more than happy to have him. And now he knows this is what he must do. Expand his horizon, leave Maliquina and head towards glory, not towards a poorly equipped apartment and a badly paying job, and as cruel and arrogant as that sounds, he's entitled to his own ambitions.
And besides, there is something else. Another thing that makes his decision easier. He has grown to care so much for Gerard, who's the kindest and funniest boy he's ever known, Gerard who's warm and cheerful and always tries to make things right. Because of that, Gerard deserves to be loved more, between the two of them.
He knows now that Cesc belongs with Gerard more than he ever belonged with him. His disappointment over Cesc is long gone and now all he wants is that his friends really find each other. Cesc's own sometimes badly hid coldness towards him made him understand Cesc is far closer to Gerard than to him.
He has hurt Gerard badly, but he would make up for it by leaving Cesc with him, in his care. He feels it's right and the rain soaking him wet doesn't bother him one bit. He sits on their bench in the park they first got drunk in and allows the sorrow to wash out of him.
When he finally gets home, he doesn't dare go into the attic, but sleeps in his dorm bed, aware both Cesc's and Gerard's are empty and it doesn't make him bitter or resentful at all.
*
Gerard and Lionel act like polite acquaintances for almost two weeks after the fight, with Cesc trapped in the middle, trying to make them talk, since he knows that's their only way out. But both of them are stubborn and refuse to be alone in the same room.
Lionel wants to apologize, because he knows it was his fault, but Gerard won’t even listen. This makes life horrible for Lio, as he's practically banished from the attic and Cesc cannot spend time with him without risking to cause his own rift with Gerard.
Finally, there comes the day of reconciliation, when Gerard sits next to Lio at lunch, bringing him his favourite froyo (strawberry) and then they talk.
But even if they're trying hard, their best, to fix things, they are both aware they cannot go back to what was before. First of all, physical relations become impossible and even when it's the three of them sharing the attic, Gerard and Cesc look like a couple, with Lio the welcome but still a very obvious third wheel.
Secondly, they cannot talk about the future anymore. The topic has become taboo. That makes the three of them weary and morose, as Gerard and Cesc both work now and are secretly planning to find a flat and move in together as soon as they graduate.
They want Lio to stay with them in the attic, they always invite him to tag along anywhere they go, but things are not the same. Gerard feels the worst about it, because he truly hoped the three of them would be together forever, like in a never-ending dream.
Cesc is a little more realistic, he’d always known Lio would eventually leave. He does question his own choice at times, but what's done is done and he cannot return to the days of blissful fantasy.
Lionel hates himself most of the time he's with them. He knows he ruined things and even if it couldn't go on forever, he wishes it didn't come to such an abrupt and untimely end. He wishes it hadn't been him who caused it. He too had loved their time together, a unit in everything and he feels so lonely when he goes back to the dorm at night.
Things get smoother as time passes. They have to study for their finals and that puts everything else on hold. Lionel helps them out with math (neither took a physics class, probably for the best) and they're all just best friends again, the lovers issues replaced with tests worries and late night cramming.
It's not the best solution, but it's all they have and it's better than the awkward moments and the endless silences.
nineteen
Lionel is the class valedictorian, as if there could be anyone else, and the applause he gets for his speech is almost deafening. Gerard and Cesc then rush onstage and take him away, as the whole crowd cheers loudly. They take him behind the building and despite his (weak) protests, they take turns kissing him, just like that.
Gerard even promises something racy for later on and Lionel is half-scared, half-excited.
When they get back, the whole of Meliquina is donned for partying, even the younger kids allowed to stay up late, as the seniors are getting both a graduation and goodbye party.
For a few hours, Lionel feels he's gone back in time, before the horrible fight, and that things are as they should. They're having fun, they're all casual and it doesn't feel like the goodbye it is. Under the table, they touch each other, like they always did at social gatherings Meliquina organized and they have light conversation, going down memory lane. It feels absolutely great.
He's with his best friends and the people he loves most in the whole wide world and for a second, he feels things should be different, he feels so at home as they stand in the corner and sip on their punch Gerard spiked with some rum, but then he looks at his friends and he notices, not even for the first time that night, how they look at each other.
And he knows their paths are rightfully split.
He breaks from the group and goes out on the porch. He feels he needs to be alone for a little bit, he wants to clear his head and be away from them, to be able to keep his decision. But as if they know what is going on in his head, he's only been by himself for a few seconds when they make their way outside too.
They settle at his sides and for a minute, they all just gaze into the night, each thinking of things passed and the future that lays ahead of them.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Cesc suddenly whispers into his ear, startling Lio.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Gerard says, putting his arm around Lionel.
Lio wells up and he knows it's his turn, but he also knows he'll choke on the words. He wishes his friends didn't recall that silly night and their silly pact and would act like grown ups for once. But then again, he's the one that started it.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," he says almost to himself, wishing they didn't force him to say it. It's bad enough that he's been thinking about it all the time lately.
Removing Gerard's arm as gently as he can, he rushes back inside, because it is time. He walks to the Head Sister, Sister Ximena and whispers something in her ear. She then guides him to the center of the room and urges people to listen.
"Sisters, dear friends, everyone. I have an announcement," Lionel starts, and then cannot continue as he sees Cesc and Gerard walking back inside and making their way to the front row of the circle formed around him. "I'll be short." he says, taking another pause, to gather his courage, and looking Cesc and Gerard in the face before he finally speaks up. "I've been offered a quite substantial scholarship from the University of London."
There's applause and cheers, he can hear his name being chanted, but what strikes a chord and makes Lionel hopeless and frustrated is Gerard and Cesc's reaction, both of them faking their wide smiles, while their eyes show sadness and maybe even anger.
Having to escape the congratulatory crowd is harder than Lio anticipated, and once he achieves that, Gerard and Cesc are nowhere in sight. So he grabs the closest bottle of wine and sneaks out, where he can finally take a breath and put his thoughts in order. Yes, he can imagine his friends are disappointed that he’s leaving, especially since he’s been trying his hardest to make things right again after the fight. But he’s hoped they would understand.
He sits by himself and drinks slowly, trying to numb the dull pain he feels in the hollow of his chest. His greatest achievement so far and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, might as well as drown it out with cheap wine.
The party dies down and lights go out, everyone retreats to their chambers and dorms and Lio is still alone and forgotten, sitting on a swing in the back yard. He feels disoriented when he sees two figures carrying light suitcases coming towards him.
It's just Gerard and Cesc and he smiles at them, the drunk smile that doesn't fool anyone.
"We have a little announcement too," Cesc says, taking the other swing, while Gerard starts pushing Lio's.
"What is it guys?"
"We finally found an apartment. We've been moving our stuff throughout the week. We were going to surprise you tonight, you know," Gerard winks as he pulls Lio's swing as well as Lio into a hug, holding him so tight it hurts them both to part.
"We weren't going to move in ourselves until tomorrow, but since you've made your big announcement, we thought it would only be correct if we came up with something cool."
"This is not a competition," Lio sniffles a little defensively.
"We know it's not. But do you want to come?" Cesc leans over to put his hand on Lio's thigh.
"Now?" he asks, confused.
It dawns on him that they are serious. They do have suitcases with them.
"We packed your toothbrush."
So Lio hops off the swing and the three of them walk out of Meliquina, not even realising the significance of the moment. They're adults now. On their own. But they all feel silly and childish still and one of them can barely walk.
The apartment is a fifteen minute walk from the Foster Home and by the time they're there, Lionel is half asleep. They park him on the couch, the very couch from the attic they’ve spent so many good times on and then they retreat to their bedroom, the only other room in the place.
"He's leaving, Gerard. He's letting go." Cesc grabs Gerard's hand. "I cannot imagine life without him, even if you and I..."
"We both knew he would one day. He summoned the incantation because he knew he would leave first," Gerard explains and as he speaks, he understands his own words and Lionel's reasons.
They spend their first official night as a couple talking about Lionel and it doesn't feel strange at all, as he is and always will be an important part of their lives. Lionel drunkenly sleeps on the sofa, a dreamless sleep and he will never know he missed out on the orgiastic night the two had initially planned for their graduation.
*
Lionel is setting dinner, for the last time in his friends' house, at least until Christmas. He's spent the summer with them, long and lazy months where all he had to do was keep the apartment clean and make dinner. The occasional shopping and studying filled his days as Cesc and Gerard were away at work.
Even now, when he's about to leave, just a few hours separating him from beginning his new life - an adventure unprecedented, he feels at ease. He is submerged in preparing a stuffed chicken: chickpeas, roasted nuts, raisins and rice. It's an old recipe Sister Maria taught him and it's the first time he's trying it. He hopes for the best.
Summer has uncovered hidden skills and emotions long buried. He has to admit he's felt at home sharing the place with the two, being a unit again, only not a threesome. He's felt loved even if he had to accept they were a couple and that in the end, they will always love each other differently than they love him.
As he sits in front of the oven, staring at the chicken roasting inside, he understands that he's enjoyed this only because he knows it’s temporary. As everything in his life with Gerard and Cesc, the moments of perfect communion are just stolen moments, oasis’ of calm in an otherwise harsh life.
He considers the summer as a sort of closure, the right kind of transition from being part of a threesome, a trio, to being on his own, in a foreign country no less.
He wants this, this is his path, what he always wanted, even before it became obvious he has a brilliant mind. But on the last night, he feels nostalgic again. The pact they made when they were all too young to understand life's devices has been on his mind again and again, like a tide. He knows it's essentially wrong to break it, but he also knows his friends understand his reasons for doing so. They support him now, even if they'd never admit that to him. They too know, he must leave and Lio knows this as well.
This, however, doesn't prevent him from wondering from time to time if he's doing the right thing. After all, he too could get a job, he too could work all day for a paycheck and he too could come home, to a real home, shared with people he loves.
He could do these things and for a while, it would be right. But he knows deep down he wouldn't be happy. He would be happy next to them, true, but now so many things have happened, that he has to leave. It's him on one side and them on the other and that is not good enough to keep him in a job he would surely hate, in a routine he would loathe.
Soon the chicken is ready despite Lio's inner struggle, and Cesc and Gerard are back from work and they set for a big dinner. Gerard jokes it's the last supper and they all laugh.
They have their big dinner and pass around a bottle of wine, not bothering with glasses.
"It's such a pity we're both at work when you leave tomorrow."
"I know," he says, but deep down, he knows he couldn't bear to say goodbye sober.
It's bad enough that each of them has been hinting at the old promise they once made. The promise he has initiated out of sudden fear of being lost. And now, as wine permeates his mind, he knows that he doesn't want to let go, he wishes things were different, that they would come with him and they could be together forever, even with Cesc and Gerard as a couple and he merely as their childhood friend.
But that's no longer on the table. It never really was.
"We're going to miss you, we love you so much, Lio!"
"You have each other now. And I will return, for all the Christmases and the summer holidays. And one day, I will park my limo in front of your place and we'll sail to the moon, you'll see." He grins his trademark lopsided grin and there's not even the littlest of effort in that.
They laugh and it's sincere and heartfelt. Saying goodnight is their goodbye and Lionel isn't as shocked as he should be when both Gerard and Cesc kiss him on the lips, a proper lover kiss. He feels it, how much they love him. He hopes they know how much he loves them too. Then they kiss each other and he can see how much in love they are.
It all falls into place, he thinks.
By the time Lionel wakes up the next day, from an agitated sleep, they've both left for work, even if it's not even 7:30. He understands they too could not part by the door and effectively watch him leave their lives.
He makes breakfast, takes a shower, packs the last of his things in his luggage, calls a taxi. He thinks back, of all the things they've been through, and with no surprise, he discovers he is sad to leave. But he knows Gerard and Cesc are strong, that they always had a different understanding of the world than he did, because of which they can find happiness in their life as it is. And that's important to him, as he finally realizes people are different and have different wishes.
The taxi arrives and he walks out the door. Yes, he made a promise a long time ago, they all did. But they'll be OK and he'll be OK and sometimes you have to let go. Promises are only made to be broken anyway.
kitcountssouls
Rating: mostly PG-13 and R for a few scenes
Category: drama, romance, bildungsroman
Characters & Pairings: Lionel Messi/Cesc Fabregas/Gerard Pique with bits of Messi/Cesc & Cesc/Pique
Length: 11090 words posted in 2 parts
Warning: teenagers (underage for most of the fic, but normal sexual development is taken in consideration)
Summary: Lionel-centric foster home AU where three boys make a pact to never let each other go. As they grow up, life makes them understand things don't always pan out as one thinks.
Disclaimer: this is fiction, i make no profit
Authors Notes: inspired by Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers wherefrom I picked the mangled threesome idea & Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go (borrowing the title obviously) to which the eerie atmosphere I tried to create is reminiscent of; beta'ed by
calypso_63 and written for the
footballslash holiday exchange 2011
seventeen
Their nakedness contrasts violently with the topic they're discussing. Ever since they managed to find the key to the attic, they’ve turned it into their very own fortress of pleasure and debates.
Lionel had the idea, as usual. Even well into his teen years, he still looks overly adorable, as innocent as a 10 year old and the Sisters never suspect he's up to no good when he enquires about the keys to various rooms in the Home.
Gerard was with the execution, as usual. Even if he's ever so tall now (almost 1.90 m tall, Sister Joana announced on their last measuring), he's still sleek enough and so fast, that he can sneak in almost anywhere.
Cesc was left to repossess as many pillows as possible and perhaps another blanket, in order to make their little boudoir as comfortable as possible.
So, now they can enjoy the finest conversations in the nude, splayed across the unfolded couch, and not worrying about any of the Sisters or the kids walking in on them.
(Gerard has also spread the rumor that the attic is haunted, so now most of the kids don't go anywhere near it.)
"Tell me, Lio. Is that really your favorite scene in Star Wars?" Gerard's hand rests on Lio's thigh.
"You bet. It's the most intriguing scene of all."
"Really? I always thought that every orphan would like the scene where Vader reveals he's Luke's father. Isn't that what we all dream of? To learn we have a father?"
"Well. Perhaps not a father that just chopped my hand off." Gerard nudges Cesc and then reaches over to kiss his chest.
"That is a good scene indeed. But think about it. Vader may be Luke's father, but until the moment he rescues his son from the Emperor, he's still the bad guy,” Lionel continues unperturbed as Gerard and Cesc kiss again and again, getting hard as their bodies clash against each other.
"Lio," Cesc says breathlessly, as soon as he can break away from Gerard's mouth, which takes a southward route.
"Yes Cesc."
"Do you hones -" he yelps as Gerard takes him in his mouth, “ - honestly think all people have good in them, and that - "
It's Lio's mouth covering Cesc's now, interrupting him again, and Lio kisses Cesc like that because he doesn't want to be questioned again about his fixation with Darth Vader's overturn. And also because he enjoys being part of this, of whatever this is.
*
"Did you hear that Jordi has a girlfriend now?"
It's always Gerard with the gossip.
"I cannot believe that! Jordi is horrible. Why would anyone want to date Jordi?” Cesc comments.
"Because the best of them are here, in the attic, together." Gerard winks and kisses Cesc hard on the lips, teeth clattering and tongues clashing.
Lionel is next, but Gerard is gentle and Cesc can see it.
"You're always so tender with Lio," he complains. "He's not made of glass, you know. One time when he and I were to - "
Lionel's disturbed gaze stops him, and Cesc covers his mouth immediately. They have decided to never bring up the past, the past where Cesc was living a triple life, as Lio's sole lover, as Gerard's sole lover and as both of their best friend. They all know about it, but they’ve decided it’s too hurtful to bring it up.
For almost 8 months, Lionel has tried his best to accept the situation and just go with the flow. His relationship with Gerard has actually improved and the feelings of care turned out to be genuine and mutual. His relationship with Cesc is interrupted, for lack of a better word. There are times when he feels things are good between them, as part of the magnificent Meliquina trio, times when he doesn't feel Cesc's betrayal as sharply as in the beginning. But it's still there. And it will always be there. They both know they cannot go back though, so they try to forget about it.
He works hard at school and when they all come into the attic (and it's almost questionable they haven't asked the Head Sister to move in there permanently) he wants to feel good and leave all the heartache he once felt behind.
He knows what they have is unique and Gerard knows too, as Gerard organizes things all the time, little trips around the city, or to Montjuic or to Barceloneta, so it could be just the three of them outside the attic too, but sometimes he feels Cesc is not as in as he should be, as they all are. He wants to keep himself in this threesome and in this careless, carefree state of mind for as long as possible, before the cold hard world they'll be released into very soon will change them, but all the unspoken things between him and Cesc make it hard sometimes.
As usual, it's Gerard who takes on shooing the pink elephant out of the room, Gerard whose feeling of guilt makes him the sweetest and most diligent in keeping them all amused and happy. And so their giant friend explains that they should get girlfriends too, because the other boys are talking behind their backs and while he doesn't care and he's sure Cesc and Lio don't care either, perhaps the Sisters would care if they ever found out.
"Well, I just don't know how that would work." Cesc picks up the topic, rushing to change the sudden gloomy atmosphere in their little nest.
"What do you mean?"
"You were always a ladies’ favourite, Gerard. I''m pretty sure you'd have no problem getting a girlfriend."
"Damn straight." Gerard proceeds to beat his chest in Tarzan-like moves and all that's missing is the jungle man's mighty roar to make the picture complete.
"I did notice this girl Gia staring at me at lunch. She's been doing it for a while now," Cesc murmurs, not sure how to explain the girl's interest otherwise. "But the issue is... well, no offense Lio. But," he stops to look at his friend. "I'm not sure girls are into the nerd-slash-tragic-hero type."
"Nonsense. If I get a girlfriend and you get a girlfriend, then Lio will get a girlfriend too. All or nothing."
Gerard and Cesc argue for minutes about what kind of girls would be interested in dating Lionel, and all the while Lio remains quiet. He doesn't want a girlfriend and he can very well live without one if the others start dating.
"You do realise that if we get girlfriends, this has to stop. But if you want to get girls, I won't stop you," he says as seriously as he can.
The other two look, mouths agape, at him before erupting into protest and flattening him down with kisses and hugs. They make love slowly, savouring each others’ supple, athletic bodies with devotion and care, pleasuring each other for hours.
Whenever morning comes after such passionate nights, each of them feels satisfied and magically unbound by anything in the world. Even Lionel, who usually worries the most about the future, is calm and feels at ease, less pressured. Gerard is happy that his one brilliant idea is still brilliant and that it makes them all feel complete and safe. And Cesc loves that he didn't have to choose in the end, that he can have both of them and feel at home.
eighteen
"I got a job." Gerard announces one lazy evening when they’re all reading for school.
"What kind of job?"
"I'm gonna work in this small cafe, it's not far from here. It's not much, but it means I can save some money and we won't have nothing once we have to leave Meliquina."
Cesc is the first to congratulate Gerard, both for the job and for planning their future.
"I'll do the same, I'll ask Catarina if she knows about any jobs I could be fit for."
Then Gerard begins listing all the places that would take Cesc, as he’s already asked Sister Catarina about it, and Lio has time to prepare his comment, even though he feels horrible that he has to say it.
"But Gerard, what about your education?" he has to interrupt them, when the conversation moves to the things they would do with the money.
"It's just a part-time job, Lio. I have time for school, you think Catarina would recommend any job that made me cut school?" Gerard laughs the worries off.
"I mean. University, Gerard." He stares at Gerard and he can feel the sudden tension in the room.
"Oh Lio, you are too funny sometimes. I don't have your grades. I don't have your brain. I know my limitations and I’m very aware that I don't have an academic future."
"But you're smart Gerard, you just don't like studying!" Lio retorts and he can already feel this conversation turning into a nasty argument and hates himself for it, for being the bad guy.
"That's well put, Lionel. I don't like studying. Sure, I could probably get into some Uni, but I'd still need the money to live. You are aware that once our senior high school year is over, we will have to leave Meliquina, right? I cannot study and work, that's no life. Once I'm out of this place, I want to enjoy myself, not to slave over a diploma that I won't even care for!"
"You haven't enjoyed yourself with us?" Lio shouts out of the blue, ashamed of himself and hurting.
"That's not what I meant. You know what I meant, Lio. You know it very well that I'm not cut out for the life you think would be best for me. I'm the best at basketball, but not good enough to be selected for a professional team. Sometimes you must lower your dreams, you know? Be realistic." He shrugs, trying to keep himself calm, even though anger swells inside his heart.
"So is this your dream, to work in a cafe and do whatever you want?"
"No!" and Gerard shouts now as well, he's red in the face and close to tears of frustration. "I want us to be together. To have a nice, comfortable life. That will come with time, if we work hard and we're patient."
"You're too lazy, Gerard, and you always pick the easy route. You decided to swap English classes with basketball practice, and you're not even good enough at basketball!"
It would be funny to see scrawny, small Lio go "head to head" against tall, robust Gerard, it wasn’t so tragic. So Cesc has to intervene.
"GUYS! STOP IT!" he shouts and breaks them apart, a hand on each of his friends’ chests.
"Take that back!" Gerard mutters between his teeth and Cesc is sure he’s so close to punching Lio.
But Lionel feels he's said enough, so he runs away from the room, tears trickling down his cheeks for the first time since he was little and vowed never to cry, no matter how hard it got.
Cesc is torn, once again. He must stay with Gerard. He understands what he means when he speaks about sharing a future and just making the best of every day and he wants that. But he must also go after Lionel. He realises Lio is well intended and simply wants the best for them all, and he understands what kind of a better future Lio speaks of.
He is still standing in the same spot, thinking, over-analyzing again, and as he retreats his hand from Gerard's chest, the taller boy grabs him by the wrist.
A look is all they need to know. And decisions are made. They are similar in many ways and in more ways than either resembles Lio. They could very well share the same future.
*
Ignoring the rain, Lionel heads for the streets, his windbreaker the only protection he has against the tempest ready sky. He feels dreadful. He insulted Gerard, who has been their brick and mortar in their happiest months and he is now sure he stepped over the line.
There is no going back after what he said and he knows no neutral would ever believe he only meant well. But then again, no-one can ever convince him he's not right. He knew all along that they would come to a crossroads and that they would have to choose.
That what they have been living for almost a year and a half would have to end, and they would have to start living in the real world. He would love to be able to stay with them, to be together forever and live as carefree as possible, but that could never truly happen.
He has felt all along that he is meant for greater things. He knows that he has all the right in the world to aspire to greatness, to something with his life. Like everyone in the Foster Home, his life started out on a minus, so how could anyone blame him for wanting out, for wanting to achieve something?
But he knows what his mistake was, to believe that he could inspire Gerard and Cesc to be more like him, when all he really wanted, deep down, was to be more like them. Normal. Average. Happy with the little things.
But he's not. He's always known he's different. He tried to not make a fuss, but he cannot tie himself down, he is meant to do more with his life. He wants to go to University, he wants an intellectually stimulating job, he doesn't want to settle for what life throws at him, but rather grab life by its coat lapels and force it to give him all the gold.
He's on the list of every major University in Europe and all he has to do is apply. He knows they'd be more than happy to have him. And now he knows this is what he must do. Expand his horizon, leave Maliquina and head towards glory, not towards a poorly equipped apartment and a badly paying job, and as cruel and arrogant as that sounds, he's entitled to his own ambitions.
And besides, there is something else. Another thing that makes his decision easier. He has grown to care so much for Gerard, who's the kindest and funniest boy he's ever known, Gerard who's warm and cheerful and always tries to make things right. Because of that, Gerard deserves to be loved more, between the two of them.
He knows now that Cesc belongs with Gerard more than he ever belonged with him. His disappointment over Cesc is long gone and now all he wants is that his friends really find each other. Cesc's own sometimes badly hid coldness towards him made him understand Cesc is far closer to Gerard than to him.
He has hurt Gerard badly, but he would make up for it by leaving Cesc with him, in his care. He feels it's right and the rain soaking him wet doesn't bother him one bit. He sits on their bench in the park they first got drunk in and allows the sorrow to wash out of him.
When he finally gets home, he doesn't dare go into the attic, but sleeps in his dorm bed, aware both Cesc's and Gerard's are empty and it doesn't make him bitter or resentful at all.
*
Gerard and Lionel act like polite acquaintances for almost two weeks after the fight, with Cesc trapped in the middle, trying to make them talk, since he knows that's their only way out. But both of them are stubborn and refuse to be alone in the same room.
Lionel wants to apologize, because he knows it was his fault, but Gerard won’t even listen. This makes life horrible for Lio, as he's practically banished from the attic and Cesc cannot spend time with him without risking to cause his own rift with Gerard.
Finally, there comes the day of reconciliation, when Gerard sits next to Lio at lunch, bringing him his favourite froyo (strawberry) and then they talk.
But even if they're trying hard, their best, to fix things, they are both aware they cannot go back to what was before. First of all, physical relations become impossible and even when it's the three of them sharing the attic, Gerard and Cesc look like a couple, with Lio the welcome but still a very obvious third wheel.
Secondly, they cannot talk about the future anymore. The topic has become taboo. That makes the three of them weary and morose, as Gerard and Cesc both work now and are secretly planning to find a flat and move in together as soon as they graduate.
They want Lio to stay with them in the attic, they always invite him to tag along anywhere they go, but things are not the same. Gerard feels the worst about it, because he truly hoped the three of them would be together forever, like in a never-ending dream.
Cesc is a little more realistic, he’d always known Lio would eventually leave. He does question his own choice at times, but what's done is done and he cannot return to the days of blissful fantasy.
Lionel hates himself most of the time he's with them. He knows he ruined things and even if it couldn't go on forever, he wishes it didn't come to such an abrupt and untimely end. He wishes it hadn't been him who caused it. He too had loved their time together, a unit in everything and he feels so lonely when he goes back to the dorm at night.
Things get smoother as time passes. They have to study for their finals and that puts everything else on hold. Lionel helps them out with math (neither took a physics class, probably for the best) and they're all just best friends again, the lovers issues replaced with tests worries and late night cramming.
It's not the best solution, but it's all they have and it's better than the awkward moments and the endless silences.
nineteen
Lionel is the class valedictorian, as if there could be anyone else, and the applause he gets for his speech is almost deafening. Gerard and Cesc then rush onstage and take him away, as the whole crowd cheers loudly. They take him behind the building and despite his (weak) protests, they take turns kissing him, just like that.
Gerard even promises something racy for later on and Lionel is half-scared, half-excited.
When they get back, the whole of Meliquina is donned for partying, even the younger kids allowed to stay up late, as the seniors are getting both a graduation and goodbye party.
For a few hours, Lionel feels he's gone back in time, before the horrible fight, and that things are as they should. They're having fun, they're all casual and it doesn't feel like the goodbye it is. Under the table, they touch each other, like they always did at social gatherings Meliquina organized and they have light conversation, going down memory lane. It feels absolutely great.
He's with his best friends and the people he loves most in the whole wide world and for a second, he feels things should be different, he feels so at home as they stand in the corner and sip on their punch Gerard spiked with some rum, but then he looks at his friends and he notices, not even for the first time that night, how they look at each other.
And he knows their paths are rightfully split.
He breaks from the group and goes out on the porch. He feels he needs to be alone for a little bit, he wants to clear his head and be away from them, to be able to keep his decision. But as if they know what is going on in his head, he's only been by himself for a few seconds when they make their way outside too.
They settle at his sides and for a minute, they all just gaze into the night, each thinking of things passed and the future that lays ahead of them.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Cesc suddenly whispers into his ear, startling Lio.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Gerard says, putting his arm around Lionel.
Lio wells up and he knows it's his turn, but he also knows he'll choke on the words. He wishes his friends didn't recall that silly night and their silly pact and would act like grown ups for once. But then again, he's the one that started it.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," he says almost to himself, wishing they didn't force him to say it. It's bad enough that he's been thinking about it all the time lately.
Removing Gerard's arm as gently as he can, he rushes back inside, because it is time. He walks to the Head Sister, Sister Ximena and whispers something in her ear. She then guides him to the center of the room and urges people to listen.
"Sisters, dear friends, everyone. I have an announcement," Lionel starts, and then cannot continue as he sees Cesc and Gerard walking back inside and making their way to the front row of the circle formed around him. "I'll be short." he says, taking another pause, to gather his courage, and looking Cesc and Gerard in the face before he finally speaks up. "I've been offered a quite substantial scholarship from the University of London."
There's applause and cheers, he can hear his name being chanted, but what strikes a chord and makes Lionel hopeless and frustrated is Gerard and Cesc's reaction, both of them faking their wide smiles, while their eyes show sadness and maybe even anger.
Having to escape the congratulatory crowd is harder than Lio anticipated, and once he achieves that, Gerard and Cesc are nowhere in sight. So he grabs the closest bottle of wine and sneaks out, where he can finally take a breath and put his thoughts in order. Yes, he can imagine his friends are disappointed that he’s leaving, especially since he’s been trying his hardest to make things right again after the fight. But he’s hoped they would understand.
He sits by himself and drinks slowly, trying to numb the dull pain he feels in the hollow of his chest. His greatest achievement so far and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, might as well as drown it out with cheap wine.
The party dies down and lights go out, everyone retreats to their chambers and dorms and Lio is still alone and forgotten, sitting on a swing in the back yard. He feels disoriented when he sees two figures carrying light suitcases coming towards him.
It's just Gerard and Cesc and he smiles at them, the drunk smile that doesn't fool anyone.
"We have a little announcement too," Cesc says, taking the other swing, while Gerard starts pushing Lio's.
"What is it guys?"
"We finally found an apartment. We've been moving our stuff throughout the week. We were going to surprise you tonight, you know," Gerard winks as he pulls Lio's swing as well as Lio into a hug, holding him so tight it hurts them both to part.
"We weren't going to move in ourselves until tomorrow, but since you've made your big announcement, we thought it would only be correct if we came up with something cool."
"This is not a competition," Lio sniffles a little defensively.
"We know it's not. But do you want to come?" Cesc leans over to put his hand on Lio's thigh.
"Now?" he asks, confused.
It dawns on him that they are serious. They do have suitcases with them.
"We packed your toothbrush."
So Lio hops off the swing and the three of them walk out of Meliquina, not even realising the significance of the moment. They're adults now. On their own. But they all feel silly and childish still and one of them can barely walk.
The apartment is a fifteen minute walk from the Foster Home and by the time they're there, Lionel is half asleep. They park him on the couch, the very couch from the attic they’ve spent so many good times on and then they retreat to their bedroom, the only other room in the place.
"He's leaving, Gerard. He's letting go." Cesc grabs Gerard's hand. "I cannot imagine life without him, even if you and I..."
"We both knew he would one day. He summoned the incantation because he knew he would leave first," Gerard explains and as he speaks, he understands his own words and Lionel's reasons.
They spend their first official night as a couple talking about Lionel and it doesn't feel strange at all, as he is and always will be an important part of their lives. Lionel drunkenly sleeps on the sofa, a dreamless sleep and he will never know he missed out on the orgiastic night the two had initially planned for their graduation.
*
Lionel is setting dinner, for the last time in his friends' house, at least until Christmas. He's spent the summer with them, long and lazy months where all he had to do was keep the apartment clean and make dinner. The occasional shopping and studying filled his days as Cesc and Gerard were away at work.
Even now, when he's about to leave, just a few hours separating him from beginning his new life - an adventure unprecedented, he feels at ease. He is submerged in preparing a stuffed chicken: chickpeas, roasted nuts, raisins and rice. It's an old recipe Sister Maria taught him and it's the first time he's trying it. He hopes for the best.
Summer has uncovered hidden skills and emotions long buried. He has to admit he's felt at home sharing the place with the two, being a unit again, only not a threesome. He's felt loved even if he had to accept they were a couple and that in the end, they will always love each other differently than they love him.
As he sits in front of the oven, staring at the chicken roasting inside, he understands that he's enjoyed this only because he knows it’s temporary. As everything in his life with Gerard and Cesc, the moments of perfect communion are just stolen moments, oasis’ of calm in an otherwise harsh life.
He considers the summer as a sort of closure, the right kind of transition from being part of a threesome, a trio, to being on his own, in a foreign country no less.
He wants this, this is his path, what he always wanted, even before it became obvious he has a brilliant mind. But on the last night, he feels nostalgic again. The pact they made when they were all too young to understand life's devices has been on his mind again and again, like a tide. He knows it's essentially wrong to break it, but he also knows his friends understand his reasons for doing so. They support him now, even if they'd never admit that to him. They too know, he must leave and Lio knows this as well.
This, however, doesn't prevent him from wondering from time to time if he's doing the right thing. After all, he too could get a job, he too could work all day for a paycheck and he too could come home, to a real home, shared with people he loves.
He could do these things and for a while, it would be right. But he knows deep down he wouldn't be happy. He would be happy next to them, true, but now so many things have happened, that he has to leave. It's him on one side and them on the other and that is not good enough to keep him in a job he would surely hate, in a routine he would loathe.
Soon the chicken is ready despite Lio's inner struggle, and Cesc and Gerard are back from work and they set for a big dinner. Gerard jokes it's the last supper and they all laugh.
They have their big dinner and pass around a bottle of wine, not bothering with glasses.
"It's such a pity we're both at work when you leave tomorrow."
"I know," he says, but deep down, he knows he couldn't bear to say goodbye sober.
It's bad enough that each of them has been hinting at the old promise they once made. The promise he has initiated out of sudden fear of being lost. And now, as wine permeates his mind, he knows that he doesn't want to let go, he wishes things were different, that they would come with him and they could be together forever, even with Cesc and Gerard as a couple and he merely as their childhood friend.
But that's no longer on the table. It never really was.
"We're going to miss you, we love you so much, Lio!"
"You have each other now. And I will return, for all the Christmases and the summer holidays. And one day, I will park my limo in front of your place and we'll sail to the moon, you'll see." He grins his trademark lopsided grin and there's not even the littlest of effort in that.
They laugh and it's sincere and heartfelt. Saying goodnight is their goodbye and Lionel isn't as shocked as he should be when both Gerard and Cesc kiss him on the lips, a proper lover kiss. He feels it, how much they love him. He hopes they know how much he loves them too. Then they kiss each other and he can see how much in love they are.
It all falls into place, he thinks.
By the time Lionel wakes up the next day, from an agitated sleep, they've both left for work, even if it's not even 7:30. He understands they too could not part by the door and effectively watch him leave their lives.
He makes breakfast, takes a shower, packs the last of his things in his luggage, calls a taxi. He thinks back, of all the things they've been through, and with no surprise, he discovers he is sad to leave. But he knows Gerard and Cesc are strong, that they always had a different understanding of the world than he did, because of which they can find happiness in their life as it is. And that's important to him, as he finally realizes people are different and have different wishes.
The taxi arrives and he walks out the door. Yes, he made a promise a long time ago, they all did. But they'll be OK and he'll be OK and sometimes you have to let go. Promises are only made to be broken anyway.