Never Let Me Go - HITTER (a)
Author: 
kitcountssouls
Rating: mostly PG-13 and R for a few scenes
Category: drama, romance, bildungsroman
Characters & Pairings: Lionel Messi/Cesc Fabregas/Gerard Pique with bits of Messi/Cesc & Cesc/Pique
Length: 11090 words posted in 2 parts
Warning: teenagers (underage for most of the fic, but normal sexual development is taken in consideration)
Summary: Lionel-centric foster home AU where three boys make a pact to never let each other go. As they grow up, life makes them understand things don't always pan out as one thinks.
Disclaimer: this is fiction, i make no profit
Authors Notes: inspired by Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers wherefrom I picked the mangled threesome idea & Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go (borrowing the title obviously) to which the eerie atmosphere I tried to create is reminiscent of; beta'ed by calypso_63 and written for the footballslash holiday exchange 2011
thirteen
He is tucked away in the tall grass under the tree, lying on his belly and checking out ants marching up the fibrous dark brown bark when they finally find him.
"Lionel!" they both exclaim, sitting next to him, pushing and shoving each other as well as the boy on the ground.
"Why didn't you answer our calls!" The brunette - Cesc - says.
"I knew you'd find me. You always do," Lionel says simply, turning around and getting up to face his friends.
"Veronica was so frightened you've been taken away by some sleazy stranger. She's going to be very angry when you get back."
The dark blond kid - Gerard - takes the liberty of using the Sister's given name, a thing they always do when they're alone just the three of them.
"She will forgive me," Lionel says, with a smile that denotes he knows this for a fact.
The two boys nod; they too know the compelling power of their smaller friend. Lionel can get away with anything.
"What were you doing here, anyway?"
"I wanted to be alone," he says, and shrugs.
It's not hard to understand what he means. The three boys share a dorm with nine other and there's close to 150 boys and girls aged 5 to 18 in the Meliquina Foster Home on Carrer Ramalets. There are few places on the estate and even fewer moments when anyone can get some alone time.
So the two boys say nothing and simply settle next to their friend. They too can appreciate a little time by themselves, allowing the open horizon to clear their heads of everything.
"But in fact, it wasn't just the Sisters who were scared something happened to you. We were worried too, so we came to look for you." Cesc says, nudging Lionel in the ribs with a half mock look of concern.
While the three boys are all the same age, just a few months apart, their development differs greatly. Between the three of them, Gerard is the tallest. Gerard is so tall, he already promises to grow into some sort of giant and he looks at least 15 when he wants to. Cesc is of normal height for his age, but the twinkle in his eyes makes people think he's also older, wiser. But Lionel, Lionel is so small, so fragile looking, that most people think he's 10. This makes him both completely adorable and perpetually compelling to the Sisters and of course, in grave need of constant protection.
"So, because we care a lot about you, Lio, we came after you, even if we were supposed to stay with the rest of the kids."
There's the shit eating grin on Gerard's face that Lionel knows so well and so he knows it was more than camaraderie pushing them to act up. They are the biggest pranksters in the home, and breaking the smallest of rules is their supreme thrill.
"Right," he says, with a smile.
"You have to believe us!"
They tug at him as if that will make him believe them. He knows they care, they did come after him and weren’t just wandering about. But he also knows they will use him to obtain impunity, just like they always do. He never minds, he loves their crazy ways and they are his best friends.
The three boys sit by the tree, Lionel in the middle, Cesc to his left and Gerard to his right and they just fall silent, watching the sunset turning the sky a violent red, then purple and finally fading into violet. It's comfortable to be outside, to witness the dying day and the birth of the night, just the three of them and no Sister or pratty foster home kid in sight.
"So..." Gerard says, as he scrutinizes the darkening sky. "You know how to get back, right?"
"Well, no, not really."
"Oh, oh Lionel! What now? We have no idea how to get back either, we just ran like crazy, following the scent of your quiet brilliance!" Cesc exclaims, beginning to fidget.
And suddenly, they're no longer at ease. They're just three 13 year old boys lost in Montjuic Park and even if they're old enough and they shouldn't feel scared, living in a foster home since they were little has affected their abilities of self preservation. Being permanently surrounded by the Sisters, never going anywhere on their own, not having anywhere to go to begin with has maintained the illusion of childhood for longer than for most normal boys their age.
They huddle closer together and remain waiting for Lio's perfect orientation skills to kick in. However, Lionel isn't ready to leave. He can still feel fear's grip that Gerard's words has conjured. And when he feels afraid, he cannot think straight. He knows he's with them, but he can also acknowledge he is lost. It troubles him, it disturbs his inner peace.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," He suddenly says, the words leaving his lips before he can even realize what sparked up the sentence, nor the frisson it brings.
Shame comes right next, as he is assured the other two will start laughing at him, because he showed his fright and that's one thing he learned never to do with the two around him, as they mock anything and everything.
But to his surprise, Cesc's hand grips his, suddenly warm fingers cling onto his for dear life.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Cesc says. His eyes are gazing deep into the night sky and his voice is serious.
Lionel can now feel how Gerard's hand is also gripping his tighter, cold fingers lacing with his in an unusual move for Gerard. Lionel can see how Cesc's hand is reaching for Gerard's and the circle closes, the three of them holding each other.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Gerard says, and the incantation is complete, the words float into the air and they all feel their power like a tickle down their spines.
Another kind of silence settles and they remain with hands linked for few minutes, understanding they just made a pact, a deal they're not allowed to break.
"I think I got it," Lionel says when the magic of the moment finally lifts and so they all get up and find their way back.
fourteen
Starting high school is a completely new experience for the three of them. If the elementary school they all went to is just two blocks away, and they had been able to walk, for high school they have to take the bus.
This brings about new predicaments, since it's three of them and seats come in pairs. Gerard and Cesc take turns sitting next to Lionel, because neither of them can suffer the idea of having him sit next to someone else, someone that might hurt him, or look at him funny, or just not be a nice companion.
This annoys Lionel, as he is not a 5 year old in constant need of supervision, but also makes him understand how much his friends care for him and in the end, he is grateful. After a while, the issue is solved, by third party intervention.
Gerard is tall, with dark blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, so girls ask him to sit next to them more often as weeks pass. This makes it simpler for the trio, ensuring that Cesc sits next to Lionel, while Gerard sits in front of them, turned in his seat to still talk to his friends, while some poor girl stares at him throughout the ride.
Gerard does this for two reasons. One, to make sure Lionel is well taken care of. He can count on Cesc for that. And two, because he's nice and could do the small favour to those poor girls. He doesn't talk to the girls, as they don't interest him, but sometimes he smiles at them.
Lionel likes this new arrangement. He can sit back and notice things, feel Cesc's reassuring presence and yet be all casual about it. He knows girls don't notice him, but it's not a problem, as he doesn't care for the girls. With slight triumph in his inner voice, he also notices that girls don't seem to take an interest in Cesc either.
He knows the three of them will always be together, but the small selfish voice inside his brain already whispers that Cesc will be his. It's all he wants. Gerard can still be their friend, their brother in arms, as long as he can have a little bit more of Cesc for himself.
Cesc is oblivious at first, but he soon begins to notice how Lionel is getting closer to him, how they seem to spend a lot of time just the two of them. It's Gerard's fault, he thinks, Gerard who goes to basketball practice now, a thing they didn't sign up for.
And they have to wait for him on Tuesdays and Fridays. But he doesn't mind, Lionel is a fountain of knowledge and he always helps him to get his homework done before they get to Meliquina. And then, all three of them can just hang out together.
Things change, but not by much. Lionel is still the genius, like he absorbs whole books in his sleep. He's less shy, but only in class, where he's always the first to answer the teachers' questions. Cesc is more willing to learn as much as possible than he was before, but his wild side drags him away from time to time. And Gerard is still up to his usual tricks, but this time for the benefit of his extended 'audience' rather than just for his two best friends.
fifteen
They hide behind the auxiliary corps and Gerard pulls out the pack of Lucky Strikes he managed to swipe.
"Are you sure?" Cesc inquires.
"Yes. All the cool kids do it, we should too."
"Is that a valid reason? Peer pressure? If everyone's doing it, wouldn't we be cool if we didn't?"
Gerard sneers at Lionel. He understands what he means, but he is just as keen on it as he was when he got a hold of the pack of cigarettes.
"You said we should always try new things, at least once. So we are. And you have to do it too."
With all his bravery, Gerard chokes on the smoke and coughs for minutes, eyes watering and face reddening. Cesc takes heed and thinks of tricking his friend by not taking a real drag, just puff a few times.
But he cannot fool the king of pranks.
"You're cheating, Cesc. I don't like that. Do it properly or not at all," Gerard scolds with a seriousness that, coupled with any other situation would look so out of character.
So Cesc complies and coughs a lung as well, while Gerard laughs. Lionel isn't laughing and when Cesc looks at the smaller boy, he can almost see something unsettling in his eyes.
"Maybe Lio shouldn't," he says, as soon as he can breathe and talk again.
Gerard looks at Cesc and then at Lionel. They're all 15 now, and even Lio has grown. His prowess in school and overall maturity makes him the oldest, mentally. But he still looks so young. They still coddle him whenever they can. It's even more annoying now, but Lionel bears it. They are his only friends and his true family, after-all.
"Gerard said I have to do it." Lionel says as reply.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to," Cesc almost begs, hoping his intelligent friend will grasp the simple logic.
"But I want to." Lionel grins lopsided.
He knows what they're thinking, how they want to protect him from any bad experiences. But he knows that he has to handle and surmount some on his own. However, this is not showing them he's up for the challenge. This is because of Cesc.
And so, he takes the extinguished half smoked cigarette and puts it to his lips, lighting it up with the offered lighter. The smoke goes into his lungs and the sting makes his eyes water, but he doesn't cough.
While his friends spluttered about and lost their cool, Lionel smokes the rest of the ciggy like he's been doing it regularly and they both look at him in awe.
"Lio. Wow, do you see it, Ger?"
"I do, I sure do."
He doesn't ask, he can tell that he looks cool in their eyes, that they finally see his confidence, shining through the smoke he blows in their faces. It is his moment and he looks at Gerard, and then at Cesc, finally.
And that's when he knows it's possible. He won't smoke ever again and it's not necessary, the purpose has been achieved.
*
Lionel is perched on the window sill in the small attic, reading The Stranger. He loves the feeling of alienation and is quite well into the book when Cesc bursts into the room.
"Lio."
Cesc has to wait until Lionel takes the bookmark from under his left foot, puts it into the book, closes the book and puts it down next to him and finally looks at the brunette.
"We're heading out."
Lionel knows Cesc and Gerard have been sneaking out throughout the months of summer. They just wander around the streets, sometimes they go to Park Guell and pretend they're drunkards. They always ask him to tag along, but in the beginning, he was against such a direct breaking of rules. Then he was caught up in schoolwork, since he wants to take an advanced physics class the next year. He has been told by all his teachers that he can have a great future, if he sticks to his studies. After a while, he realized he was losing the connection they had. He was letting Cesc hang out with Gerard, the sports and cutting class inclined Gerard.
So this time, he is free to go, as bad he feels for leaving Mr. Camus behind. It is his duty to steer his friends back onto the right path.
"Sure. Let me get my jacket."
Cesc seems surprised with the answer, and Lio notices the split second of his features changing, but he pretends he doesn’t. He rushes past Cesc and into the bedroom and soon he's ready to sneak out through the window.
"So, the great bookworm of Meliquina decided to join us," Gerard mocks as he helps Lionel down.
"I want to get wild tonight," Lionel says, the trademark grin he learned to offer Gerard making an appearance.
"Where off to then?"
"The park?" Cesc proposes.
When it's just the two of them, just walking on the streets, inhaling the air of freedom is enough. They seldom talk, even. There's no need for that, to keep up a conversation, not since they know exactly what the other thinks and might say.
They've always had the ability to communicate non-verbally, sometimes through the trouble they got into and the lies they told the Meliquina staff in order to get off the hook.
But now that Lio joins them, when it's the three of them again by themselves after God knows how long, they know they will have to talk. Lionel loves to talk lately, to lecture them, as Gerard calls it when he's not around, to make plans about the future, not just for himself, but for the other two as well.
So they walk to the park, awkwardly unable to find a topic to discuss other than the next school year, Lio's extra homework, basketball, which none of them is keen on anymore by the time they reach the third block.
Cesc ponders that they're growing up, that the changes are normal, that they need to lean towards adulthood and leave childhood behind. Lionel feels almost like he's intruding, that he's no longer welcome between the two of them, and wanders what has changed. Gerard wishes Lio was more fun, more laidback, so they could actually be the same as they were 2 years before.
None of them willingly thinks of the pact they made, although it's always at the back of their minds and they know they should never let anything come between them.
So it's a relief when they reach the park and Lionel begins his speech, and it's hilarious as Gerard keeps interrupting him with funny remarks and Cesc wishes he could stop bursting into laughter every time Lionel tries to get back on topic and Lionel himself wishes his mission would be easier.
"So, you two pretend you're homeless drunks and talk about crazy things?"
"Yes. Like the time Cesc pretended he had just been selected to join La Masia. As if he can even play football!"
"What about the time you thought you could play professional basketball?" Cesc retorts. "I mean, I was just playing pretend, but you were serious!"
Lionel can see them now, drifting away from him and he cannot allow for that to happen. They need to hold strong, and he needs to keep them from going.
"Did you guys ever get booze?" he lets out slowly.
"No, we never have money, Lio. God, aren't you supposed to be the smart one?" Gerard shakes his head in fake annoyance.
"I have money." he says, trying to sound like this is news, like he has just grown the money in his pocket right then.
"What? How?" Cesc and Gerard shout at the same time, piling up on Lio as if it would be possible to extract information by sheer force.
He explains, suddenly stuttering, that the Sisters gave him money to buy advanced books, since he's so smart and deserving, but his physics teacher, that considers him like a son, helped him get used copies of the books he needed, so he saved the money to spend it together with his best friends.
As soon as the story is told, they hug him like there's no tomorrow and Lio feels so warm inside, so happy, the fuzzy feeling envelops him so nicely, he never wants to let go of them again.
"But wait. We're 15. Who on earth would let us buy beer?" Cesc interjects, his pout showing his good mood diminishing.
"The Champion supermarket on Carrer Lobregat." Lio answers immediately. "The girl working the night shift likes Gerard."
Gerard goes wide eyed, he hasn't noticed anything, how come Lionel knows? But then again, Lionel knows everything, he shouldn't be so surprised.
"Wait, are you for real?"
"Yes. You just have to be casual about it."
"But she knows I'm 15!"
"She likes you. If these things work the way literature presents them, she will let you buy the beer."
It's settled and by the time they reach the Champion supermarket, Gerard can pretend he feels at ease. Lionel planned it beautifully, he knows these things. So while Lio and Cesc hide behind one of the few parked cars, Gerard goes inside by himself.
It's practically empty and there's only one teller, the girl Lio told him about. He nods at her before strolling about the aisles, as casual as he can muster. He doesn't go straight to the beverages aisle, it would be suspect, so he first stops by the snacks and gets 2 packets of salty pastry and a pack of chips. The chips in particular make him happy, the Sisters never let them eat such unhealthy food. Finally, he reaches the beers and ales aisle.
It's like heaven for pretend-hobo Gerard and he cannot choose. As he walks up and down, brushing his hand across the red and gold and silver and green and blue cans, he recalls Cesc and Lio asked for Estrella Damm. Nodding to himself, he grabs the nearest sixpack and is ready to head to the counter.
As he places the beer and the packs of snacks on the conveyer belt, he grabs a pack of gum and 3 Chupa-chups. He smiles at the teller and feels weird and nervous, but the show must go on.
"Hey Suzi.” He remembers he should talk to her.
"Gerard. Hi. Up so late?" she smiles at him.
Suzi is at least 2 years older if not more and she's pretty. She smiles at him and for a second, Gerard is lost.
"We're grown now, we can stay up late during summer holiday," he says confidently.
He watches as she checks out the bags of snacks and the gum, and he cannot help but stare as she picks up the beers.
"You're having a party?" she asks, gesturing towards the beers.
"It's Lio's birthday," he finds himself saying.
It's a lie, Lionel's birthday was a month before, but he knows Suzi, as everyone else, is enchanted with Lio and using him as an excuse is one sure way to keep himself out of trouble.
"Aww, my little boy is all grown up. Tell him happy birthday from me."
"I will." He smiles as wide as he can.
And the pack of beers is safely on the other side of the cash register, just like Lio has told him it would. Gerard pays and then puts the beers, the snacks and the gum in the shopping bag. He pockets the Chupa-chups and heads towards the exit.
He then remembers Lio instructed him to ask Suzi when she was getting off her shift, but somehow he feels it's no longer necessary, and he's not interested in Suzi anyway. All he wants is to be with Cesc and Lio.
As he finally leaves the supermarket, he realises his heart has been pounding madly all this time and he fails to comprehend how he didn't scramble his words or make a mess.
"How did it go?" Cesc asks, as they walk towards the nearest park.
"Piece of cake," he boasts. "Lio's a real genius!" he quickly adds, smiling widely.
They sit in the park, this time like real pretend hobos, Cesc notes, and they open their first beer at the same time, gurgling down at least half of it at once. Gerard and Cesc have tasted alcohol before, sometimes the Sisters would let the older boys get a sip of wine or beer at celebrations. And there's the sacrificial wine, of course. But Lio's never had anything too strong. Yet, he drinks like a pro, and as the alcohol settles in his head and his blood, he feels that the invisible weight pushing down on his feeble shoulders has lifted.
He feels he can do anything he wants and that for once, he doesn't have to work hard for it and respect the rules and be the good boy every man and woman wants as a son, he feels like a man and he's with his friends. It's beautiful.
He gets up and starts spinning, while Gerard and Cesc laugh and then join him, holding hands and cheering muffled from time to time.
It's 2 AM and Cesc feels a little left behind and worried. He's never seen Lio (nor Gerard, if he's being honest) so out of himself. He watches from a safe distance how Gerard's running lightly down the street with Lio on his shoulders, both of them still holding their beer cans, and he realizes this is the first time Gerard and Lio have a bonding moment, just the two of them, in some time now. And he knows that he's the reason the two have been somehow distant for so long, so he remains behind, understanding that he would have to choose someday.
But Lio is calm and quiet, unless he's drunk out of his mind and Gerard is lively and cheerful, unless he's lost a basketball game, and so how could Cesc ever pick?
For now, he knows he should let them enjoy the moment, even if they've stopped in front of a parked car, Lionel dismounted and they look ready to piss on it, if only they could ever stop laughing....
sixteen
It is late and Cesc is by himself in the attic. He's been spending a lot of time there lately, sometimes just thinking. He feels alone, with Gerard away to basketball training on most days now and Lionel always studying in Sister Marta's chambers, where he can get the peace and quiet math and physics require.
Sometimes he wishes he was also good at something in particular, so that he would be able to fill the emptiness he feels at times with working. Then he would also be away and it would make sense that they're apart. Perhaps he should get a job.
But he's too lazy for that. He prefers to sit hunched in the attic and over-think. Things haven't moved forward in any direction yet, apart from the fact that he seems to be losing both his friends instead of getting one lover.
He wishes things were simpler or perhaps so complicated, there wouldn't be a way out. But he knows he has the key in his hand. If only he could...
Lionel storms through the door, uncharacteristically, interrupting Cesc's thought process.
"Guess what!" he says all excitedly, pouncing onto Cesc, wrapping his arms around him, his face so close to the other boy's.
Cesc is stunned, because Lio is not effusive like that, and he's suddenly so close to him, body pressed to his and he cannot remember the last time he felt so scared of his own possible reaction.
"What?" he utters, trying to keep himself calm.
"I was selected for this physics competition. The best in my class and then some, they said. I'm going to Madrid next month and the prize is a lot of money, Cesc, and recognition, if I win, I’ll be on the list, universities are scouting!" Lionel beams, letting it all out in rapid fire.
"Wow, Lio! That is amazing, that is so awesome."
Cesc knows he sounds fake, he can hear himself speak in that voice that he only uses on Sister Juana, when he wants something from her, but the choking in his heart is what prevents him from being sincere.
He's always known that Lio is much smarter than him and Gerard, Lio's smarter than the grownups, and that one day, he will have to spread his wings and fly out. He's always known Lio is meant for greater things, but this is all too sudden.
He knows Lio will return after the competition, that Madrid isn't that far away and he doesn't have to go for another month, but he also knows this is the start. This is when things will start to change.
"I know. I spoke to Sister Castidad, she will get me a fancy suit." Lionel utters happily and he looks at Cesc with such intensity, trying to let him know everything he feels all at once.
And Cesc suddenly realises that Lio's arms are still wrapped around him and that instead of over-analyzing everything again, he should goddamn act on it, because this moment is presented to him on a silver platter and Lio is out of his shell and ready, so ready.
"You're going to be so fly in a suit, Lio," he whispers as he leans in, closer and closer, until they're so close the kiss is imminent and unavoidable.
And so their lips meet, clumsily at first, because neither of them has kissed anyone else before and this is not just some random person; they've been friends for years and years and there are so many things that make the simplest kiss filled with a thousand thoughts and a hundred feelings surfacing and tens of bodily sensations and the one future they shouldn’t even think about because this is their first kiss and it should be just that.
They don't go too far, after all, one moment they were still just best friends and now that is blown wide open, so they shouldn't rush; they part just as suddenly as they started.
They take forever to look each other in the eye, but when they finally do, they know. Lio smiles sheepishly and Cesc wants to laugh, laugh at himself for being so silly and thinking he could lose Lio, he wants to roar with laughter and run through the building's halls, screaming.
It's Lionel's hand on his that stops him from fidgeting.
"Cesc. This is," and he doesn't have to say more, as Cesc cups his face and kisses him again, this time properly, like lovers should.
It's still new, so fresh that the wrapper of their hidden emotions is still crumpled on the floor, but yet somehow they are already so comfortable about it.
They don't talk too much for the rest of the evening. The big announcement is left behind as the two explore their new relationship and what it brings to the existing table.
Lionel has never felt happier. He had half forgotten about it lately, with all the private tutoring and school that is draining even him, but even so, he always hoped it would eventually happen. And Cesc is no longer in doubt, he is finally freed of the burden of choosing and the lightheartedness it brings feels like true happiness.
They don't tell Gerard. But now that they have a secret, they have to be more careful, especially since Gerard still loves spending most of his free time with Cesc and Lio is horribly jealous.
But when they can sneak into the attic, when it's just the two of them, when they kiss and touch and make plans, it all falls into place and the foster home becomes a mere stepping stone and the future wide open and bright.
*
Lionel returns from the Science Fair in Pamplona feeling a little disheartened. His project, that he’s worked his ass off for, for which he’s sacrificed many hours he could have spent with Cesc or with Cesc and Gerard, the project he thought was a sure winner had only gotten second place.
He is not a second place man. Until the moment the winner was announced, and it was another name, another boy, he didn't know he had an ego, he didn't imagine he cared about awards and prizes. But now the sting makes him aware how much he still has to work in order to be the best.
Sister Lorelai consoled him. She told him he's only 16 and that the other boy had clearly gotten adult help, which was as much as cheating as if he had not worked on it at all, but Lio knows that unless he is the best, he will never get the scholarship he wants. He will never go to University.
Not to mention that throughout the three day Fair, he’s shared the room with 3 other boys from Barcelona, all older than him, who taunted him and made him miss the days when Cesc and Gerard would threaten to beat the hell out of whoever picked on him.
All he wants now is to go out with his best friends and get drunk. If there is a time to drink, this is it and Lionel feels he deserves it.
After leaving his bag in the dorm, he begins looking for Cesc and Gerard. The building is not that big and after checking several common rooms (but why would they be there? Neither of them like the common rooms, with the kids watch dumbing TV all day long) he figures there's only one place they could be.
As he climbs the stairs to the attic, a sudden bad feeling comes over him and he has to force himself to finish the climb. The door is closed and it's a solid door, no chance to eavesdrop. He still presses himself to it, trying to figure out why he's feeling so afraid to open it.
He doesn't knock and in hindsight, perhaps he should have, because when he opens the door, the sight that greets him is that of his best friends tucked into each other's arms on the narrow couch and they are obviously naked under the blanket they're wrapped in and they're startled when he peers in.
He wants to shut the door and run away, screaming, because Cesc. And Gerard. And Cesc and Gerard. They shouldn't do it. But he knows he and Cesc have done the same and perhaps they shouldn't have either. So he just stands in the door, halfway in, staring like some sort of punishing God and he hopes he looks menacing and not completely wretched.
It's Gerard who speaks up first. And of course it should be Gerard, as far as Lionel is concerned, Gerard is the innocent party.
"Lio. Don't feel left out."
Lionel doesn't feel left out, in fact that's the last thing he would feel, if he could feel anything else than betrayal.
"Come in."
And against better judgment, Lionel does as told.
He stands in front of them and says nothing as they dress. Cesc cannot look him in the eye, but he cannot look Cesc in the eye either. He knows Gerard has the key, even if whatever will be decided will never match the months when he had Cesc all to himself. That is dead and buried, never coming back.
But the rage he initially felt is subsiding now. It's Gerard and he loves Gerard, even if Gerard is such a clown, or maybe because of that. And Cesc loves Gerard too, that much was always obvious, but he’s hoped he would love him maybe a little bit more than he loves Gerard.
"Let's sit, come Lionel."
Maybe it's intentional, maybe not, but he's in the middle again, with Cesc on his right and Gerard on his left. Like so many years ago, in Montjuic. But their thighs press tighter into his and Gerard and Cesc smell of sex.
"We have always been together, the three of us. I love you, Lio. And I love Cesc. Perhaps I love Cesc more, but that's normal, him and I hang out more. And I know you love us both, but you love Cesc more, too."
The way Gerard almost sounds hurt when he says that makes Lio's heart sink. He knows he's been unfair to Gerard so many times and that he has made little effort to hide which one of his friends he prefers. He feels ashamed.
"And Cesc loves us."
Gerard stops, as if to allow Cesc to reveal who of the two he loves more. But Lionel knows Cesc would never say, because perhaps Cesc doesn't know himself. Or maybe because Cesc would never want to hurt Gerard, who, should Cesc reveal he loves Lio more, would be the only one not to be preferred over the other between the three. And surely Cesc would not want to hurt him, Lio, so shortly after being caught in someone else's arms.
"So let's be together, the three of us then," Gerard continues abruptly, aware that Cesc would never talk or trying his best to silence Cesc before he says something damaging. Something that can’t be undone.
"Together in everything. Together in flesh as well."
Lionel is the only one who laughs out loud. And with that, the decision is made and he leans in and kisses Gerard first, and it's unexpectedly soft and tender, and then Cesc, and he can feel Cesc's sadness, but maybe he deserves it.
That night, they don't sleep.
jump to second part
kitcountssouls
Rating: mostly PG-13 and R for a few scenes
Category: drama, romance, bildungsroman
Characters & Pairings: Lionel Messi/Cesc Fabregas/Gerard Pique with bits of Messi/Cesc & Cesc/Pique
Length: 11090 words posted in 2 parts
Warning: teenagers (underage for most of the fic, but normal sexual development is taken in consideration)
Summary: Lionel-centric foster home AU where three boys make a pact to never let each other go. As they grow up, life makes them understand things don't always pan out as one thinks.
Disclaimer: this is fiction, i make no profit
Authors Notes: inspired by Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers wherefrom I picked the mangled threesome idea & Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go (borrowing the title obviously) to which the eerie atmosphere I tried to create is reminiscent of; beta'ed by calypso_63 and written for the footballslash holiday exchange 2011
thirteen
He is tucked away in the tall grass under the tree, lying on his belly and checking out ants marching up the fibrous dark brown bark when they finally find him.
"Lionel!" they both exclaim, sitting next to him, pushing and shoving each other as well as the boy on the ground.
"Why didn't you answer our calls!" The brunette - Cesc - says.
"I knew you'd find me. You always do," Lionel says simply, turning around and getting up to face his friends.
"Veronica was so frightened you've been taken away by some sleazy stranger. She's going to be very angry when you get back."
The dark blond kid - Gerard - takes the liberty of using the Sister's given name, a thing they always do when they're alone just the three of them.
"She will forgive me," Lionel says, with a smile that denotes he knows this for a fact.
The two boys nod; they too know the compelling power of their smaller friend. Lionel can get away with anything.
"What were you doing here, anyway?"
"I wanted to be alone," he says, and shrugs.
It's not hard to understand what he means. The three boys share a dorm with nine other and there's close to 150 boys and girls aged 5 to 18 in the Meliquina Foster Home on Carrer Ramalets. There are few places on the estate and even fewer moments when anyone can get some alone time.
So the two boys say nothing and simply settle next to their friend. They too can appreciate a little time by themselves, allowing the open horizon to clear their heads of everything.
"But in fact, it wasn't just the Sisters who were scared something happened to you. We were worried too, so we came to look for you." Cesc says, nudging Lionel in the ribs with a half mock look of concern.
While the three boys are all the same age, just a few months apart, their development differs greatly. Between the three of them, Gerard is the tallest. Gerard is so tall, he already promises to grow into some sort of giant and he looks at least 15 when he wants to. Cesc is of normal height for his age, but the twinkle in his eyes makes people think he's also older, wiser. But Lionel, Lionel is so small, so fragile looking, that most people think he's 10. This makes him both completely adorable and perpetually compelling to the Sisters and of course, in grave need of constant protection.
"So, because we care a lot about you, Lio, we came after you, even if we were supposed to stay with the rest of the kids."
There's the shit eating grin on Gerard's face that Lionel knows so well and so he knows it was more than camaraderie pushing them to act up. They are the biggest pranksters in the home, and breaking the smallest of rules is their supreme thrill.
"Right," he says, with a smile.
"You have to believe us!"
They tug at him as if that will make him believe them. He knows they care, they did come after him and weren’t just wandering about. But he also knows they will use him to obtain impunity, just like they always do. He never minds, he loves their crazy ways and they are his best friends.
The three boys sit by the tree, Lionel in the middle, Cesc to his left and Gerard to his right and they just fall silent, watching the sunset turning the sky a violent red, then purple and finally fading into violet. It's comfortable to be outside, to witness the dying day and the birth of the night, just the three of them and no Sister or pratty foster home kid in sight.
"So..." Gerard says, as he scrutinizes the darkening sky. "You know how to get back, right?"
"Well, no, not really."
"Oh, oh Lionel! What now? We have no idea how to get back either, we just ran like crazy, following the scent of your quiet brilliance!" Cesc exclaims, beginning to fidget.
And suddenly, they're no longer at ease. They're just three 13 year old boys lost in Montjuic Park and even if they're old enough and they shouldn't feel scared, living in a foster home since they were little has affected their abilities of self preservation. Being permanently surrounded by the Sisters, never going anywhere on their own, not having anywhere to go to begin with has maintained the illusion of childhood for longer than for most normal boys their age.
They huddle closer together and remain waiting for Lio's perfect orientation skills to kick in. However, Lionel isn't ready to leave. He can still feel fear's grip that Gerard's words has conjured. And when he feels afraid, he cannot think straight. He knows he's with them, but he can also acknowledge he is lost. It troubles him, it disturbs his inner peace.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," He suddenly says, the words leaving his lips before he can even realize what sparked up the sentence, nor the frisson it brings.
Shame comes right next, as he is assured the other two will start laughing at him, because he showed his fright and that's one thing he learned never to do with the two around him, as they mock anything and everything.
But to his surprise, Cesc's hand grips his, suddenly warm fingers cling onto his for dear life.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Cesc says. His eyes are gazing deep into the night sky and his voice is serious.
Lionel can now feel how Gerard's hand is also gripping his tighter, cold fingers lacing with his in an unusual move for Gerard. Lionel can see how Cesc's hand is reaching for Gerard's and the circle closes, the three of them holding each other.
"Whatever happens guys, never let me go," Gerard says, and the incantation is complete, the words float into the air and they all feel their power like a tickle down their spines.
Another kind of silence settles and they remain with hands linked for few minutes, understanding they just made a pact, a deal they're not allowed to break.
"I think I got it," Lionel says when the magic of the moment finally lifts and so they all get up and find their way back.
fourteen
Starting high school is a completely new experience for the three of them. If the elementary school they all went to is just two blocks away, and they had been able to walk, for high school they have to take the bus.
This brings about new predicaments, since it's three of them and seats come in pairs. Gerard and Cesc take turns sitting next to Lionel, because neither of them can suffer the idea of having him sit next to someone else, someone that might hurt him, or look at him funny, or just not be a nice companion.
This annoys Lionel, as he is not a 5 year old in constant need of supervision, but also makes him understand how much his friends care for him and in the end, he is grateful. After a while, the issue is solved, by third party intervention.
Gerard is tall, with dark blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, so girls ask him to sit next to them more often as weeks pass. This makes it simpler for the trio, ensuring that Cesc sits next to Lionel, while Gerard sits in front of them, turned in his seat to still talk to his friends, while some poor girl stares at him throughout the ride.
Gerard does this for two reasons. One, to make sure Lionel is well taken care of. He can count on Cesc for that. And two, because he's nice and could do the small favour to those poor girls. He doesn't talk to the girls, as they don't interest him, but sometimes he smiles at them.
Lionel likes this new arrangement. He can sit back and notice things, feel Cesc's reassuring presence and yet be all casual about it. He knows girls don't notice him, but it's not a problem, as he doesn't care for the girls. With slight triumph in his inner voice, he also notices that girls don't seem to take an interest in Cesc either.
He knows the three of them will always be together, but the small selfish voice inside his brain already whispers that Cesc will be his. It's all he wants. Gerard can still be their friend, their brother in arms, as long as he can have a little bit more of Cesc for himself.
Cesc is oblivious at first, but he soon begins to notice how Lionel is getting closer to him, how they seem to spend a lot of time just the two of them. It's Gerard's fault, he thinks, Gerard who goes to basketball practice now, a thing they didn't sign up for.
And they have to wait for him on Tuesdays and Fridays. But he doesn't mind, Lionel is a fountain of knowledge and he always helps him to get his homework done before they get to Meliquina. And then, all three of them can just hang out together.
Things change, but not by much. Lionel is still the genius, like he absorbs whole books in his sleep. He's less shy, but only in class, where he's always the first to answer the teachers' questions. Cesc is more willing to learn as much as possible than he was before, but his wild side drags him away from time to time. And Gerard is still up to his usual tricks, but this time for the benefit of his extended 'audience' rather than just for his two best friends.
fifteen
They hide behind the auxiliary corps and Gerard pulls out the pack of Lucky Strikes he managed to swipe.
"Are you sure?" Cesc inquires.
"Yes. All the cool kids do it, we should too."
"Is that a valid reason? Peer pressure? If everyone's doing it, wouldn't we be cool if we didn't?"
Gerard sneers at Lionel. He understands what he means, but he is just as keen on it as he was when he got a hold of the pack of cigarettes.
"You said we should always try new things, at least once. So we are. And you have to do it too."
With all his bravery, Gerard chokes on the smoke and coughs for minutes, eyes watering and face reddening. Cesc takes heed and thinks of tricking his friend by not taking a real drag, just puff a few times.
But he cannot fool the king of pranks.
"You're cheating, Cesc. I don't like that. Do it properly or not at all," Gerard scolds with a seriousness that, coupled with any other situation would look so out of character.
So Cesc complies and coughs a lung as well, while Gerard laughs. Lionel isn't laughing and when Cesc looks at the smaller boy, he can almost see something unsettling in his eyes.
"Maybe Lio shouldn't," he says, as soon as he can breathe and talk again.
Gerard looks at Cesc and then at Lionel. They're all 15 now, and even Lio has grown. His prowess in school and overall maturity makes him the oldest, mentally. But he still looks so young. They still coddle him whenever they can. It's even more annoying now, but Lionel bears it. They are his only friends and his true family, after-all.
"Gerard said I have to do it." Lionel says as reply.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to," Cesc almost begs, hoping his intelligent friend will grasp the simple logic.
"But I want to." Lionel grins lopsided.
He knows what they're thinking, how they want to protect him from any bad experiences. But he knows that he has to handle and surmount some on his own. However, this is not showing them he's up for the challenge. This is because of Cesc.
And so, he takes the extinguished half smoked cigarette and puts it to his lips, lighting it up with the offered lighter. The smoke goes into his lungs and the sting makes his eyes water, but he doesn't cough.
While his friends spluttered about and lost their cool, Lionel smokes the rest of the ciggy like he's been doing it regularly and they both look at him in awe.
"Lio. Wow, do you see it, Ger?"
"I do, I sure do."
He doesn't ask, he can tell that he looks cool in their eyes, that they finally see his confidence, shining through the smoke he blows in their faces. It is his moment and he looks at Gerard, and then at Cesc, finally.
And that's when he knows it's possible. He won't smoke ever again and it's not necessary, the purpose has been achieved.
*
Lionel is perched on the window sill in the small attic, reading The Stranger. He loves the feeling of alienation and is quite well into the book when Cesc bursts into the room.
"Lio."
Cesc has to wait until Lionel takes the bookmark from under his left foot, puts it into the book, closes the book and puts it down next to him and finally looks at the brunette.
"We're heading out."
Lionel knows Cesc and Gerard have been sneaking out throughout the months of summer. They just wander around the streets, sometimes they go to Park Guell and pretend they're drunkards. They always ask him to tag along, but in the beginning, he was against such a direct breaking of rules. Then he was caught up in schoolwork, since he wants to take an advanced physics class the next year. He has been told by all his teachers that he can have a great future, if he sticks to his studies. After a while, he realized he was losing the connection they had. He was letting Cesc hang out with Gerard, the sports and cutting class inclined Gerard.
So this time, he is free to go, as bad he feels for leaving Mr. Camus behind. It is his duty to steer his friends back onto the right path.
"Sure. Let me get my jacket."
Cesc seems surprised with the answer, and Lio notices the split second of his features changing, but he pretends he doesn’t. He rushes past Cesc and into the bedroom and soon he's ready to sneak out through the window.
"So, the great bookworm of Meliquina decided to join us," Gerard mocks as he helps Lionel down.
"I want to get wild tonight," Lionel says, the trademark grin he learned to offer Gerard making an appearance.
"Where off to then?"
"The park?" Cesc proposes.
When it's just the two of them, just walking on the streets, inhaling the air of freedom is enough. They seldom talk, even. There's no need for that, to keep up a conversation, not since they know exactly what the other thinks and might say.
They've always had the ability to communicate non-verbally, sometimes through the trouble they got into and the lies they told the Meliquina staff in order to get off the hook.
But now that Lio joins them, when it's the three of them again by themselves after God knows how long, they know they will have to talk. Lionel loves to talk lately, to lecture them, as Gerard calls it when he's not around, to make plans about the future, not just for himself, but for the other two as well.
So they walk to the park, awkwardly unable to find a topic to discuss other than the next school year, Lio's extra homework, basketball, which none of them is keen on anymore by the time they reach the third block.
Cesc ponders that they're growing up, that the changes are normal, that they need to lean towards adulthood and leave childhood behind. Lionel feels almost like he's intruding, that he's no longer welcome between the two of them, and wanders what has changed. Gerard wishes Lio was more fun, more laidback, so they could actually be the same as they were 2 years before.
None of them willingly thinks of the pact they made, although it's always at the back of their minds and they know they should never let anything come between them.
So it's a relief when they reach the park and Lionel begins his speech, and it's hilarious as Gerard keeps interrupting him with funny remarks and Cesc wishes he could stop bursting into laughter every time Lionel tries to get back on topic and Lionel himself wishes his mission would be easier.
"So, you two pretend you're homeless drunks and talk about crazy things?"
"Yes. Like the time Cesc pretended he had just been selected to join La Masia. As if he can even play football!"
"What about the time you thought you could play professional basketball?" Cesc retorts. "I mean, I was just playing pretend, but you were serious!"
Lionel can see them now, drifting away from him and he cannot allow for that to happen. They need to hold strong, and he needs to keep them from going.
"Did you guys ever get booze?" he lets out slowly.
"No, we never have money, Lio. God, aren't you supposed to be the smart one?" Gerard shakes his head in fake annoyance.
"I have money." he says, trying to sound like this is news, like he has just grown the money in his pocket right then.
"What? How?" Cesc and Gerard shout at the same time, piling up on Lio as if it would be possible to extract information by sheer force.
He explains, suddenly stuttering, that the Sisters gave him money to buy advanced books, since he's so smart and deserving, but his physics teacher, that considers him like a son, helped him get used copies of the books he needed, so he saved the money to spend it together with his best friends.
As soon as the story is told, they hug him like there's no tomorrow and Lio feels so warm inside, so happy, the fuzzy feeling envelops him so nicely, he never wants to let go of them again.
"But wait. We're 15. Who on earth would let us buy beer?" Cesc interjects, his pout showing his good mood diminishing.
"The Champion supermarket on Carrer Lobregat." Lio answers immediately. "The girl working the night shift likes Gerard."
Gerard goes wide eyed, he hasn't noticed anything, how come Lionel knows? But then again, Lionel knows everything, he shouldn't be so surprised.
"Wait, are you for real?"
"Yes. You just have to be casual about it."
"But she knows I'm 15!"
"She likes you. If these things work the way literature presents them, she will let you buy the beer."
It's settled and by the time they reach the Champion supermarket, Gerard can pretend he feels at ease. Lionel planned it beautifully, he knows these things. So while Lio and Cesc hide behind one of the few parked cars, Gerard goes inside by himself.
It's practically empty and there's only one teller, the girl Lio told him about. He nods at her before strolling about the aisles, as casual as he can muster. He doesn't go straight to the beverages aisle, it would be suspect, so he first stops by the snacks and gets 2 packets of salty pastry and a pack of chips. The chips in particular make him happy, the Sisters never let them eat such unhealthy food. Finally, he reaches the beers and ales aisle.
It's like heaven for pretend-hobo Gerard and he cannot choose. As he walks up and down, brushing his hand across the red and gold and silver and green and blue cans, he recalls Cesc and Lio asked for Estrella Damm. Nodding to himself, he grabs the nearest sixpack and is ready to head to the counter.
As he places the beer and the packs of snacks on the conveyer belt, he grabs a pack of gum and 3 Chupa-chups. He smiles at the teller and feels weird and nervous, but the show must go on.
"Hey Suzi.” He remembers he should talk to her.
"Gerard. Hi. Up so late?" she smiles at him.
Suzi is at least 2 years older if not more and she's pretty. She smiles at him and for a second, Gerard is lost.
"We're grown now, we can stay up late during summer holiday," he says confidently.
He watches as she checks out the bags of snacks and the gum, and he cannot help but stare as she picks up the beers.
"You're having a party?" she asks, gesturing towards the beers.
"It's Lio's birthday," he finds himself saying.
It's a lie, Lionel's birthday was a month before, but he knows Suzi, as everyone else, is enchanted with Lio and using him as an excuse is one sure way to keep himself out of trouble.
"Aww, my little boy is all grown up. Tell him happy birthday from me."
"I will." He smiles as wide as he can.
And the pack of beers is safely on the other side of the cash register, just like Lio has told him it would. Gerard pays and then puts the beers, the snacks and the gum in the shopping bag. He pockets the Chupa-chups and heads towards the exit.
He then remembers Lio instructed him to ask Suzi when she was getting off her shift, but somehow he feels it's no longer necessary, and he's not interested in Suzi anyway. All he wants is to be with Cesc and Lio.
As he finally leaves the supermarket, he realises his heart has been pounding madly all this time and he fails to comprehend how he didn't scramble his words or make a mess.
"How did it go?" Cesc asks, as they walk towards the nearest park.
"Piece of cake," he boasts. "Lio's a real genius!" he quickly adds, smiling widely.
They sit in the park, this time like real pretend hobos, Cesc notes, and they open their first beer at the same time, gurgling down at least half of it at once. Gerard and Cesc have tasted alcohol before, sometimes the Sisters would let the older boys get a sip of wine or beer at celebrations. And there's the sacrificial wine, of course. But Lio's never had anything too strong. Yet, he drinks like a pro, and as the alcohol settles in his head and his blood, he feels that the invisible weight pushing down on his feeble shoulders has lifted.
He feels he can do anything he wants and that for once, he doesn't have to work hard for it and respect the rules and be the good boy every man and woman wants as a son, he feels like a man and he's with his friends. It's beautiful.
He gets up and starts spinning, while Gerard and Cesc laugh and then join him, holding hands and cheering muffled from time to time.
It's 2 AM and Cesc feels a little left behind and worried. He's never seen Lio (nor Gerard, if he's being honest) so out of himself. He watches from a safe distance how Gerard's running lightly down the street with Lio on his shoulders, both of them still holding their beer cans, and he realizes this is the first time Gerard and Lio have a bonding moment, just the two of them, in some time now. And he knows that he's the reason the two have been somehow distant for so long, so he remains behind, understanding that he would have to choose someday.
But Lio is calm and quiet, unless he's drunk out of his mind and Gerard is lively and cheerful, unless he's lost a basketball game, and so how could Cesc ever pick?
For now, he knows he should let them enjoy the moment, even if they've stopped in front of a parked car, Lionel dismounted and they look ready to piss on it, if only they could ever stop laughing....
sixteen
It is late and Cesc is by himself in the attic. He's been spending a lot of time there lately, sometimes just thinking. He feels alone, with Gerard away to basketball training on most days now and Lionel always studying in Sister Marta's chambers, where he can get the peace and quiet math and physics require.
Sometimes he wishes he was also good at something in particular, so that he would be able to fill the emptiness he feels at times with working. Then he would also be away and it would make sense that they're apart. Perhaps he should get a job.
But he's too lazy for that. He prefers to sit hunched in the attic and over-think. Things haven't moved forward in any direction yet, apart from the fact that he seems to be losing both his friends instead of getting one lover.
He wishes things were simpler or perhaps so complicated, there wouldn't be a way out. But he knows he has the key in his hand. If only he could...
Lionel storms through the door, uncharacteristically, interrupting Cesc's thought process.
"Guess what!" he says all excitedly, pouncing onto Cesc, wrapping his arms around him, his face so close to the other boy's.
Cesc is stunned, because Lio is not effusive like that, and he's suddenly so close to him, body pressed to his and he cannot remember the last time he felt so scared of his own possible reaction.
"What?" he utters, trying to keep himself calm.
"I was selected for this physics competition. The best in my class and then some, they said. I'm going to Madrid next month and the prize is a lot of money, Cesc, and recognition, if I win, I’ll be on the list, universities are scouting!" Lionel beams, letting it all out in rapid fire.
"Wow, Lio! That is amazing, that is so awesome."
Cesc knows he sounds fake, he can hear himself speak in that voice that he only uses on Sister Juana, when he wants something from her, but the choking in his heart is what prevents him from being sincere.
He's always known that Lio is much smarter than him and Gerard, Lio's smarter than the grownups, and that one day, he will have to spread his wings and fly out. He's always known Lio is meant for greater things, but this is all too sudden.
He knows Lio will return after the competition, that Madrid isn't that far away and he doesn't have to go for another month, but he also knows this is the start. This is when things will start to change.
"I know. I spoke to Sister Castidad, she will get me a fancy suit." Lionel utters happily and he looks at Cesc with such intensity, trying to let him know everything he feels all at once.
And Cesc suddenly realises that Lio's arms are still wrapped around him and that instead of over-analyzing everything again, he should goddamn act on it, because this moment is presented to him on a silver platter and Lio is out of his shell and ready, so ready.
"You're going to be so fly in a suit, Lio," he whispers as he leans in, closer and closer, until they're so close the kiss is imminent and unavoidable.
And so their lips meet, clumsily at first, because neither of them has kissed anyone else before and this is not just some random person; they've been friends for years and years and there are so many things that make the simplest kiss filled with a thousand thoughts and a hundred feelings surfacing and tens of bodily sensations and the one future they shouldn’t even think about because this is their first kiss and it should be just that.
They don't go too far, after all, one moment they were still just best friends and now that is blown wide open, so they shouldn't rush; they part just as suddenly as they started.
They take forever to look each other in the eye, but when they finally do, they know. Lio smiles sheepishly and Cesc wants to laugh, laugh at himself for being so silly and thinking he could lose Lio, he wants to roar with laughter and run through the building's halls, screaming.
It's Lionel's hand on his that stops him from fidgeting.
"Cesc. This is," and he doesn't have to say more, as Cesc cups his face and kisses him again, this time properly, like lovers should.
It's still new, so fresh that the wrapper of their hidden emotions is still crumpled on the floor, but yet somehow they are already so comfortable about it.
They don't talk too much for the rest of the evening. The big announcement is left behind as the two explore their new relationship and what it brings to the existing table.
Lionel has never felt happier. He had half forgotten about it lately, with all the private tutoring and school that is draining even him, but even so, he always hoped it would eventually happen. And Cesc is no longer in doubt, he is finally freed of the burden of choosing and the lightheartedness it brings feels like true happiness.
They don't tell Gerard. But now that they have a secret, they have to be more careful, especially since Gerard still loves spending most of his free time with Cesc and Lio is horribly jealous.
But when they can sneak into the attic, when it's just the two of them, when they kiss and touch and make plans, it all falls into place and the foster home becomes a mere stepping stone and the future wide open and bright.
*
Lionel returns from the Science Fair in Pamplona feeling a little disheartened. His project, that he’s worked his ass off for, for which he’s sacrificed many hours he could have spent with Cesc or with Cesc and Gerard, the project he thought was a sure winner had only gotten second place.
He is not a second place man. Until the moment the winner was announced, and it was another name, another boy, he didn't know he had an ego, he didn't imagine he cared about awards and prizes. But now the sting makes him aware how much he still has to work in order to be the best.
Sister Lorelai consoled him. She told him he's only 16 and that the other boy had clearly gotten adult help, which was as much as cheating as if he had not worked on it at all, but Lio knows that unless he is the best, he will never get the scholarship he wants. He will never go to University.
Not to mention that throughout the three day Fair, he’s shared the room with 3 other boys from Barcelona, all older than him, who taunted him and made him miss the days when Cesc and Gerard would threaten to beat the hell out of whoever picked on him.
All he wants now is to go out with his best friends and get drunk. If there is a time to drink, this is it and Lionel feels he deserves it.
After leaving his bag in the dorm, he begins looking for Cesc and Gerard. The building is not that big and after checking several common rooms (but why would they be there? Neither of them like the common rooms, with the kids watch dumbing TV all day long) he figures there's only one place they could be.
As he climbs the stairs to the attic, a sudden bad feeling comes over him and he has to force himself to finish the climb. The door is closed and it's a solid door, no chance to eavesdrop. He still presses himself to it, trying to figure out why he's feeling so afraid to open it.
He doesn't knock and in hindsight, perhaps he should have, because when he opens the door, the sight that greets him is that of his best friends tucked into each other's arms on the narrow couch and they are obviously naked under the blanket they're wrapped in and they're startled when he peers in.
He wants to shut the door and run away, screaming, because Cesc. And Gerard. And Cesc and Gerard. They shouldn't do it. But he knows he and Cesc have done the same and perhaps they shouldn't have either. So he just stands in the door, halfway in, staring like some sort of punishing God and he hopes he looks menacing and not completely wretched.
It's Gerard who speaks up first. And of course it should be Gerard, as far as Lionel is concerned, Gerard is the innocent party.
"Lio. Don't feel left out."
Lionel doesn't feel left out, in fact that's the last thing he would feel, if he could feel anything else than betrayal.
"Come in."
And against better judgment, Lionel does as told.
He stands in front of them and says nothing as they dress. Cesc cannot look him in the eye, but he cannot look Cesc in the eye either. He knows Gerard has the key, even if whatever will be decided will never match the months when he had Cesc all to himself. That is dead and buried, never coming back.
But the rage he initially felt is subsiding now. It's Gerard and he loves Gerard, even if Gerard is such a clown, or maybe because of that. And Cesc loves Gerard too, that much was always obvious, but he’s hoped he would love him maybe a little bit more than he loves Gerard.
"Let's sit, come Lionel."
Maybe it's intentional, maybe not, but he's in the middle again, with Cesc on his right and Gerard on his left. Like so many years ago, in Montjuic. But their thighs press tighter into his and Gerard and Cesc smell of sex.
"We have always been together, the three of us. I love you, Lio. And I love Cesc. Perhaps I love Cesc more, but that's normal, him and I hang out more. And I know you love us both, but you love Cesc more, too."
The way Gerard almost sounds hurt when he says that makes Lio's heart sink. He knows he's been unfair to Gerard so many times and that he has made little effort to hide which one of his friends he prefers. He feels ashamed.
"And Cesc loves us."
Gerard stops, as if to allow Cesc to reveal who of the two he loves more. But Lionel knows Cesc would never say, because perhaps Cesc doesn't know himself. Or maybe because Cesc would never want to hurt Gerard, who, should Cesc reveal he loves Lio more, would be the only one not to be preferred over the other between the three. And surely Cesc would not want to hurt him, Lio, so shortly after being caught in someone else's arms.
"So let's be together, the three of us then," Gerard continues abruptly, aware that Cesc would never talk or trying his best to silence Cesc before he says something damaging. Something that can’t be undone.
"Together in everything. Together in flesh as well."
Lionel is the only one who laughs out loud. And with that, the decision is made and he leans in and kisses Gerard first, and it's unexpectedly soft and tender, and then Cesc, and he can feel Cesc's sadness, but maybe he deserves it.
That night, they don't sleep.
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