073.
posted here and here originally.
Heechul seeks out Jay on certain days -- the days Yunho is stonily silent; the days Donghae is more whiney and sulky than usual; the days Youngwoon blows his top and tries the hard edge of life. When Heechul comes to Jay with a certain smile and an already opened bottle of whiskey, Jay knows it's going to be one of those nights.
One of those nights is something he's come to both dread and treasure. It means lazily passing the whiskey bottle between the both of them, the burn welcome but the taste putrid. It means Heechul's thigh pressed against his on the sofa before something happens and Heechul's lying on top of his chest, alcohol-intoxicated breath warming his neck.
It means secrets being shared between the both of them until the early hours of the morning before they have to go to acting/vocal/dancing/articulation/musical lessons.
This time, when Heechul knocks at his bedroom door and Jay pushes away his headphones and presses pause, Heechul's hands are empty except for one key.
"Wanna go for a drive?" He still has that smile on, and Jay knows that Heechul is in some fragile state right now where he's ready to accept to accept anything and not retaliate. Even the greatest stars fall, and Heechul hasn't even had a debut yet.
"Whose car? I didn't know you had your license." Regardless, Jay gets his jacket, following Heechul out the front door.
"I don't. Does that scare you?" Heechul flashes another grin.
This is probably illegal on so many levels, more than contraband alcohol and just sneaking out after hours. Driving without a license, sneaking out without permission or notification, and by the looks of it, driving intoxicated.
"No," Jay finally says when they're in the car. It's some beat up station wagon, parked several streets away from their dorm, and his fingers are freezing when they finally slide into the car.
"What?"
"I trust you," he says simply, and Heechul gives him the strangest look before he turns the key in the ignition and cranes his head to reverse out.
It turns out they don't have a destination, but that never bothered Heechul before so by extension, Jay isn't bothered either, just crosses his arms for warmth and huddles in the seat. Heechul's a surprisingly good driver while tipsy
"Do you want to talk?" Jay asks, and Heechul tenses.
"Do you ever feel like we're going nowhere?"
In a few years time, Heechul will be the talk of the nation with his bright red hair, charismatic personality and quick tongue. In a few years time, Jay will be taking the nation by storm with his voice and band, stealing fangirls' hearts by the bucket-load.
But this is still 2003, so Jay nods, remembering the blank stares Youngwoon and Heechul had sported when Four Seasons ended before it had started.
"It feels like we're stuck in this endless loop of doing everything day in, day out," Heechul continues, fumbling for a cigarette. If anything, the action makes him look younger and unsure of his future.
As if called, a roundabout appears, and Heechul leisurely turns into it.
"I mean, we go to lessons. We dance. We sing and we're told to reach that fucking G that is always out of our reach, no matter how hard we try. We're told to stand straight and not slouch, to memorise lines about ideal types and missing your family. We're told to stand a certain way, to face a certain way, to always be aware of the camera and where it's pointed."
They're still going around the roundabout, Heechul's hands cocked at a certain angle, unwavering.
"It feels like we don't matter; to them, we're just pawns they can control. They try to make us as perfect as we can be and still, it's not enough. We're wasting our lives here at a chance to fame, this tiny, minuscule chance and I'm wondering if it's really worth it."
In several years, Heechul will smile that practised smile at the camera, and say he has everyone in the company to thank for for where he is right now. He'll thank the producers, the songwriter and composers and lyricists, the managers, the trainers and coaches, the fans, his members, and most of all Lee Sooman.
But right now, Heechul's reached his limit and wants nothing more than to go home, sit down with his family and eat dinner. Jay understands this, but whilst it's possible for Heechul to maybe sneak out another night, catch a train home, Jay can't just catch a flight and hope that by the time he makes the twenty-two hour round trip, no one will know a single thing.
By instinct, almost, Jay brushes his hand over Heechul's hair. When Heechul's jaw unclenches and his hands slacken enough to turn into a small side street and pulls over, off the roundabout, Jay reaches over and gives Heechul a solid hug.
"You matter, no matter what. Even if you don't make it, even if we don't make it, you're your own person, Heechul. You are a good person and a great friend, and I value you as both."
Heechul's heard it so many times -- "you'll definitely make it," "you have the skill to go far," "the confidence, charisma, everything, will definitely means you'll debut." Jay's saying different; he's saying that even if Heechul doesn't make it -- and Heechul admits that that's far more likely than a claim to fame -- it won't matter.
This is what Heechul wants to hear. He doesn't care for lies or baseless confidence; just needs honesty from a good friend.
"Good," Heechul says, snorting. "Because I'm never going to let you forget me."
They unhug and Jay smiles, the one that gives him crow's feet and makes him look ten years older.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
canttakeabreath also wrote a fantastic remix of it here ♥
Heechul seeks out Jay on certain days -- the days Yunho is stonily silent; the days Donghae is more whiney and sulky than usual; the days Youngwoon blows his top and tries the hard edge of life. When Heechul comes to Jay with a certain smile and an already opened bottle of whiskey, Jay knows it's going to be one of those nights.
One of those nights is something he's come to both dread and treasure. It means lazily passing the whiskey bottle between the both of them, the burn welcome but the taste putrid. It means Heechul's thigh pressed against his on the sofa before something happens and Heechul's lying on top of his chest, alcohol-intoxicated breath warming his neck.
It means secrets being shared between the both of them until the early hours of the morning before they have to go to acting/vocal/dancing/articulation/musical lessons.
This time, when Heechul knocks at his bedroom door and Jay pushes away his headphones and presses pause, Heechul's hands are empty except for one key.
"Wanna go for a drive?" He still has that smile on, and Jay knows that Heechul is in some fragile state right now where he's ready to accept to accept anything and not retaliate. Even the greatest stars fall, and Heechul hasn't even had a debut yet.
"Whose car? I didn't know you had your license." Regardless, Jay gets his jacket, following Heechul out the front door.
"I don't. Does that scare you?" Heechul flashes another grin.
This is probably illegal on so many levels, more than contraband alcohol and just sneaking out after hours. Driving without a license, sneaking out without permission or notification, and by the looks of it, driving intoxicated.
"No," Jay finally says when they're in the car. It's some beat up station wagon, parked several streets away from their dorm, and his fingers are freezing when they finally slide into the car.
"What?"
"I trust you," he says simply, and Heechul gives him the strangest look before he turns the key in the ignition and cranes his head to reverse out.
It turns out they don't have a destination, but that never bothered Heechul before so by extension, Jay isn't bothered either, just crosses his arms for warmth and huddles in the seat. Heechul's a surprisingly good driver while tipsy
"Do you want to talk?" Jay asks, and Heechul tenses.
"Do you ever feel like we're going nowhere?"
In a few years time, Heechul will be the talk of the nation with his bright red hair, charismatic personality and quick tongue. In a few years time, Jay will be taking the nation by storm with his voice and band, stealing fangirls' hearts by the bucket-load.
But this is still 2003, so Jay nods, remembering the blank stares Youngwoon and Heechul had sported when Four Seasons ended before it had started.
"It feels like we're stuck in this endless loop of doing everything day in, day out," Heechul continues, fumbling for a cigarette. If anything, the action makes him look younger and unsure of his future.
As if called, a roundabout appears, and Heechul leisurely turns into it.
"I mean, we go to lessons. We dance. We sing and we're told to reach that fucking G that is always out of our reach, no matter how hard we try. We're told to stand straight and not slouch, to memorise lines about ideal types and missing your family. We're told to stand a certain way, to face a certain way, to always be aware of the camera and where it's pointed."
They're still going around the roundabout, Heechul's hands cocked at a certain angle, unwavering.
"It feels like we don't matter; to them, we're just pawns they can control. They try to make us as perfect as we can be and still, it's not enough. We're wasting our lives here at a chance to fame, this tiny, minuscule chance and I'm wondering if it's really worth it."
In several years, Heechul will smile that practised smile at the camera, and say he has everyone in the company to thank for for where he is right now. He'll thank the producers, the songwriter and composers and lyricists, the managers, the trainers and coaches, the fans, his members, and most of all Lee Sooman.
But right now, Heechul's reached his limit and wants nothing more than to go home, sit down with his family and eat dinner. Jay understands this, but whilst it's possible for Heechul to maybe sneak out another night, catch a train home, Jay can't just catch a flight and hope that by the time he makes the twenty-two hour round trip, no one will know a single thing.
By instinct, almost, Jay brushes his hand over Heechul's hair. When Heechul's jaw unclenches and his hands slacken enough to turn into a small side street and pulls over, off the roundabout, Jay reaches over and gives Heechul a solid hug.
"You matter, no matter what. Even if you don't make it, even if we don't make it, you're your own person, Heechul. You are a good person and a great friend, and I value you as both."
Heechul's heard it so many times -- "you'll definitely make it," "you have the skill to go far," "the confidence, charisma, everything, will definitely means you'll debut." Jay's saying different; he's saying that even if Heechul doesn't make it -- and Heechul admits that that's far more likely than a claim to fame -- it won't matter.
This is what Heechul wants to hear. He doesn't care for lies or baseless confidence; just needs honesty from a good friend.
"Good," Heechul says, snorting. "Because I'm never going to let you forget me."
They unhug and Jay smiles, the one that gives him crow's feet and makes him look ten years older.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
canttakeabreath also wrote a fantastic remix of it here ♥