Fireworks. [Chapter Eleven]
Title: Fireworks
Rating: R, maybe, it's pretty distressing at the end, I suppose.
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third.
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Once again, this is incredibly long, so I apologise if you lose interest. This was kinda hard for me to write, as I'm sure you'll understand when you read towards the end, but I hope you enjoy it.
Masterpost.
My Tumblr.
Surprisingly, dinner wasn’t as bad as Jack or Alex expected it to be.
Neither of the boys wanted to be questioned, but thankfully, it was relatively quiet at the table.
Alex’s dad had surprised Jack, just like he had been with his mother. Jack expected a lean man, quite well built in fact, with a handsome face to match. He guessed it was simply because Alex was impressive himself in appearance, surely he had to have the good-looking genes from somewhere.
However, the man was quite large, a round face, but he never once stopped smiling. Peter Gaskarth was an average man, living in an average home, with his average wife, and his average teenage son. There was nothing special about the family, they simply disguised their tragic past, and they lived life like normal.
- - - -
Jack scraped his chair back after everybody had finished their meal, “Please, let me help wash up, just to say thank you.” He smiled brightly, one which Alex’s mother just had to give in to. “I would normally decline the offer, but you seem to be so keen. Thank you, Jack.” She smiled, passing hers and Peter’s stacked plates to the boy, the cutlery balanced on top.
“It’s fine, honestly.” He beamed, looking towards Alex who kept his plate to himself. He noticed the boy had barely touched anything, a few bites were taken here and there, but Alex didn’t look at all comfortable. However, his parents hadn’t made a single comment, he could only assume that Alex rarely ate meals on a regular basis.
“Want me to take that for you, Alex?” Jack asked, the other boy’s parents having left the table to enter the living room.
“No, it’s okay. I’ll help you.” Alex sighed, standing to his feet, following Jack to the sink.
He turned the hot water tap on, and squirted washing up liquid into the bowl, bubbles soon began to overpower the water.
“Are you alright, Alex?” Jack appeared worried by Alex’s change of behaviour, but he assumed it was simply mood swings again.
“Yeah, I’m fine, honestly,” Alex tried to smile, but he wasn’t fooling Jack. “I’m just thinking too much.” He finally admitted, dipping his index finger in the water to test the temperature. He drew his hand back sharply as the burning sensation shot through his nerves.
“Ow, fuck!” He cried, waving his finger about as if it would make it feel any better.
“You’re such a loser.” Jack groaned, taking the boy’s hand, turning the cold tap on to cool down the burn.
Holding Alex’s finger beneath the water, he began to chuckle, “Any better?”
Alex nodded, pulling his hand back, “It’s still sore, though.” He mumbled, staring at the whitened mark.
“Want me to kiss it better?” Jack teased lightly, surprised when Alex held his finger towards his mouth. He lightly pressed his lips to the tip, ever so softly kissing the skin.
Leaning back, the boy grinned, “You’ll be fine, now. I have a magic touch.”
Adding cold water to the sink, Alex waited for the temperate to reach a warm state so he was able to scrub the used plates.
“I thought I was supposed to be doing that?” Jack laughed, “I guess I’ll stick to drying everything.” He picked up the creased towel from the sideboard. As his eyes drifted to Alex, he noticed how the boy would sway his hips in a rhythm as he cleaned.
And damn, that ass.
It was just too tempting.
Folding and twisting the towel tightly, he stepped behind Alex trying to be as silent as he could. The boy seemed to be too distracted by his washing to notice Jack move.
In one swift, sharp movement, the towel became a whip as it cracked against Alex’s backside.
“Jack, you fucker!”
Alex screamed as he jumped backwards, dropping plates in the sink, flinging his arms, spraying water everywhere. He clutched his ass tightly, the stinging was unbearable. “Oh my god, oh my god, I think my arse is gonna fall off.” He whined, dropping to the floor whilst his hands began to massage himself.
Jack stood over, his hand clamped to his mouth to avoid laughing, “I am so sorry...” He choked out, taking a few steps backwards to avoid Alex’s swiping arm. “I’ll kiss it better?” He suggested, though the look in Alex’s eyes told him to do one thing.
Run.
- - - -
Jack panted as he doubled over in Alex’s room, trying his hardest to catch his breath, sprinting up the stairs was not the one.
Alex was merely a few seconds behind him, the boy burst through the door, slamming it shut. “You’re going to pay for that, Barakat. I can’t feel my fucking arse cheeks.” He scowled, his voice a harsh tone.
“I said I was sorry?” Jack straightened up, his hands held up, ready to protect himself from any attacks.
“Sorry isn’t good enough.”
Alex leapt towards the boy, his shoulder slammed into Jack’s thigh, tackling the boy back onto his bed.
With his knees either side of Jack’s body, Alex’s hands pinned down the boy’s shoulders as he leant over him. Their faces were merely inches apart, Alex could feel Jack’s warm breath against his neck, and he forced himself to swallow to avoid himself getting hot under the collar. “You’re such a bastard.” He growled, thumbs digging against Jack’s collarbones, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind.
“I know.” He teased, his arms stretching outwards to loop themselves around Alex’s neck. “But you love it?” Jack tried to pull a ‘puppy dog’ look, even pouting his lips to have a bigger effect, but Alex wasn’t giving in.
“I don’t think I do.” He huffed, eyebrows furrowed to the younger boy. “Why are you so mean?” He whined, resting his forehead to Jack’s, the strands of their blonde and brunette hair twisting and tangling together.
“You know what they say, if a guy acts like an asshole to you, it usually means they like you.” The male smirked, gently nuzzling his nose against Alex’s.
Jack knew that their lips were merely millimetres away. Just a little closer and they would brush. A little push and they would collide. That would be the moment that their world would stop spinning.
He ached to kiss the boy; he longed to know how Alex tasted, because he was positive it would be sweeter than anything he’d ever known before. Even though the older boy’s lips were chapped, chewed on, and dry, they were wonderful. Jack knew they would mould perfectly against his own, but he doubted Alex would be ready.
One step at a time, he had to remind himself. One. Fucking. Step.
- - - -
Alex noticed the tension, for he too, wanted to kiss the other.
Jack had kissed males before, though. Jack had been in a committed relationship, where he’d probably gone the whole nine yards.
Alex removed Jack’s arms from his neck as he sat up straight on the bed. All he could think of was Jack and the silhouette of another male making love. He fucking hated how much it was killing himself inside.
Jack was an expert at all of this, Alex was simply a novice, a beginner, and he didn’t know what he was doing.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured, his arms folding across his chest as he crossed his legs. His eyes drifted to his duvet cover, a dull black, nothing special.
“I understand, Alex.” Jack answered softly, his hand gingerly placed on the boy’s arm. “We take it at your pace, remember?”
“Yeah, I know.” The boy sighed, allowing Jack to take a hold of his hand.
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he tried to push those disgusting mental images from his head, but as they became more vivid, Alex remember their previous conversation before dinner. He wanted to know about the silhouette.
“Jack...” He murmured, eyes opening as he lifted his chin.
“Yeah?”
“It’s after dinner.”
“So?”
“Now you can tell me about him... This Rian, boy.”
Jack stroked his temple as he chewed his inner cheek. He thought Alex had forgotten, he thought he was safe, just for one more day.
He’d never been that lucky, though.
“What do you want to know?” He finally responded, fingers beginning to tighten around Alex’s.
“Everything. How you met, what he was like, what he looks like, how long until you knew you loved him, how it ended, why it ended, everything.”
“Damn, that’s a lot.”
“I know.”
- - - -
Alex shuffled himself towards to the younger boy, he figured that perhaps if he stayed close, Jack would feel more comfortable.
“Well, it was last year when we met.” Jack began, “The beginning of Junior year, and my very first class was French. I hated the class, I didn’t even want to take it for I knew that none of my friends took it- well, I only really had Zack, but he was too ‘masculine’ to take the damn subject.” He muttered, though he was surprised at how talking about those whom he’d left back in Baltimore was easier than expected. “So I walked into the class, and the first person I noticed was a boy wearing a Face to Face shirt.”
“Face to Face?”
“They’re a band, idiot.”
“Oh, carry on.” Alex tilted his head to rest on Jack’s shoulder affectionately.
“So anyway, me being shit at first impressions stupidly asked him, “Hey, you like Face to Face?” and he nodded, I think a little freaked out by me, which was what I expected. But it was the way that he smiled that I just... It twisted me up inside, you know?”
Alex sighed, he knew exactly what Jack meant. He’d felt just like that, the moment he saw Jack’s smile.
“I’d heard rumours about the guy being bisexual, so I thought I’d just you know, maybe like, see if it was true? I became Detective Barakat over the next week or so; I practically stalked the poor guy. It paid off though, ‘cause it was true. I heard from a guy who used to date Rian, Brendon I think his name was.”
“Did you just straight up ask him out or something?”
“Fuck no! I’d honestly never been so scared in my life, if I even tried to talk to him again, I’d choke on my words and I wouldn’t make sense. He was the one who made the first move.”
“I bet you hyperventilated when he spoke to you.” Alex teased, giggling. His lifted their connected fingers to his lips, pushing his mouth against the bones.
“Too right. I didn’t really believe what was going on, I thought it was a dare or something, but then he just started to explain all this stuff to me. How apparently that stupid question I asked him made his heart melt, he found me adorable and awkward, and he just wanted to hold me in his arms and cuddle me stupid.”
“I know the feeling.”
“I was still in semi-denial of my sexuality, though. I knew I wasn’t attracted to women in the slightest, and I was fucking positive that I wanted to be with Rian, but I was scared. I knew how the kids at school would react if they found out, I was certain I’d get bullied. If I ever went into the changing rooms for gym, I was just waiting for someone to shout, “Backs against the walls, boys!” Even when I hadn’t come out. I was paranoid.”
“I guess you do know what I’m going through then, after all.”
“Indeed I do, so believe me when I say I do, okay?” Jack released Alex’s hand from his own, only for it to settle around the boy’s bony hip.
“Anyway, Rian and me had been seeing each other behind everybody’s back for about two weeks or so. I told him that I was scared; I didn’t want to tell anybody about us because I knew we’d get frowned upon. I didn’t want to risk losing Rian, though, and he even said himself that if I couldn’t admit to who I truly was, then he wasn’t going to stand by me anymore.”
“That was a bit harsh.” Alex commented, he wasn’t liking the sound of this boy, though of course he knew he was simply biased.
“It sounds it, but honestly, I was glad he done it. I guess that was the moment that I knew I liked him more than I planned to.”
“Was that when you realized you were in love?”
“Mm, no, I don’t think so. I guess I just knew that he was something special, and I didn’t want to let go of that. It’s like how I am with you. I think we’re in too early of a stage to even think about the word love, especially in our situation, but I certainly know that this isn’t any old sort of crush.”
Alex shrugged his shoulders, “I suppose...” His voice was muffled as he snuggled against the boy’s armpit, making himself more comfortable on his worn out mattress.
“Rian could relate with my problems, though. Like me with you now, he’d been through it all before. He just told me to stick my middle finger in the air and say fuck you to anybody who tries to get in your way.” Jack laughed as he picture Rian’s face telling him those exact words. The way he’d ran his hand through his hair, or lack of, and that smile of his. It was enough to break the hearts of many.
“He was comfortable with his sexuality because he believed that that was how he was made. He didn’t have a say as to what gender he preferred, it simply happened, he thought he was born like it. He convinced me that it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, we’re all different in this fucked up world.”
“So, I guess you’re going to try and make me believe the same thing.”
“You’re a fast learner.” Jack chuckled; glad to know that Alex was catching onto his story well.
“I finally followed his advice. After we’d been seeing each other for about a month, I decided that I wanted this relationship to be serious. I confided in my mum and dad first of all, I spilled by heart and fucking soul out to them, and they both cried. They said that they’d never been so proud of me before...” Jack tailed off as his voice began to crack. His vision of his parents was clear as day, he could remember the look upon their faces, the happiness that gleamed from their shining eyes... He missed those days.
“Rian was with me every step of the way, he said that I was his little soldier because I was fighting against the rumours, the hurtful comments, the bullies, all for him and our relationship.” The younger boy swallowed, his nails beginning to dig into Alex’s t-shirt. “I lost nearly everything. Though I had the support of my parents, none of my friends wanted to know me anymore. My best friend, Zack, he joined in with the others because he didn’t want to be associated with a ‘faggot’-“
“So how’s this supposed to make me feel any easier about admitting wanting to be with you to others?”
“Look, I didn’t have anybody, not really. But I still had Rian, and that was all that mattered to me. He was all I needed. It was that very moment when he stayed in my life, when all the others walked out, that I knew I was in love with him. Two months into our relationship, and I had fallen.”
“How did you know it was true?”
“Because I believe that loving somebody means to be willing to give up your own life, to allow theirs to live on.” A few tears slowly crawled from Jack’s eyes, “And I swear to God, I would have done so in a heartbeat.”
Alex’s thumb gently wiped away the stray tears, “Calm down, Jack, it’s okay. I’m here.” He hushed, hoping that the sound of his voice would allow the boy to keep himself together and carry on. The English boy ached to know how it would end.
“For nearly a year we were together, and they were both the happiest and saddest moments of my life. We would argue often over the smallest of things, sometimes we’d go crazy at each other, we even ended up in a fist fight because we couldn’t decide what to watch on TV. It was ridiculous, but those were the moments that I loved the most.”
“You thought you’d be together forever, right?”
“Of course I did. I even moved in with the boy after eight months, I was positive that he was the one. I know how stupid this sounds; because I was barely seventeen at the time, but I thought I’d fucking marry him. He was just too perfect... But of course, I was wrong.” Another tear rolled down his cheek, “Everything had gone exactly to plan, it was only a matter of time before it was ruined, completely.”
“What happened, Jack?”
“I-I...” The boy stopped, he was sobbing now.
“Jack, are you okay?”
“I c-can’t, Alex. “
“I know you can, you’re just trying to convince yourself otherwise, I know you’re stronger than this. Please, Jack.”
The American boy was shaking by now, his eyes were a blotchy red, and he was coughing and spluttering. This was too much for him to handle, he thought the talking was easy, but when it came to the realisation that it was true, that’s when he broke.
“R-Rian left me, because I became a mess.”
“What do you mean?”
“I started self-h-harming, Alex. I would slice my fucking flesh with a knife because I didn’t want to believe it was true. I was angry with myself for not being there for him when it happened; I was never there for him. Rian noticed the gaping cuts on my hip when we would go to bed, at first, he didn’t say a thing, but I knew he saw them, I fucking knew it. But did I stop? No, of course I fucking didn’t. I got deeper, and deeper, and I would never be satisfied until I was on my bathroom floor crying my fucking eyes out from hurting so much. I deserved it, I deserved all of it, but Rian couldn’t take it. He knew I was a state, that I needed him more than I ever needed him, but he left me on my own.”
“Jack, wait, hang on...” Alex’s arms were tightly held around the other boy’s torso; he was whispering into the boy’s ear, he didn’t want to hear him shout anymore. “What happened? Who’s him?”
“My Dad, Alex... just like you lost Daniel, I lost my fucking Dad, and it's all my fault.”
Rating: R, maybe, it's pretty distressing at the end, I suppose.
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third.
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Once again, this is incredibly long, so I apologise if you lose interest. This was kinda hard for me to write, as I'm sure you'll understand when you read towards the end, but I hope you enjoy it.
Masterpost.
My Tumblr.
Surprisingly, dinner wasn’t as bad as Jack or Alex expected it to be.
Neither of the boys wanted to be questioned, but thankfully, it was relatively quiet at the table.
Alex’s dad had surprised Jack, just like he had been with his mother. Jack expected a lean man, quite well built in fact, with a handsome face to match. He guessed it was simply because Alex was impressive himself in appearance, surely he had to have the good-looking genes from somewhere.
However, the man was quite large, a round face, but he never once stopped smiling. Peter Gaskarth was an average man, living in an average home, with his average wife, and his average teenage son. There was nothing special about the family, they simply disguised their tragic past, and they lived life like normal.
- - - -
Jack scraped his chair back after everybody had finished their meal, “Please, let me help wash up, just to say thank you.” He smiled brightly, one which Alex’s mother just had to give in to. “I would normally decline the offer, but you seem to be so keen. Thank you, Jack.” She smiled, passing hers and Peter’s stacked plates to the boy, the cutlery balanced on top.
“It’s fine, honestly.” He beamed, looking towards Alex who kept his plate to himself. He noticed the boy had barely touched anything, a few bites were taken here and there, but Alex didn’t look at all comfortable. However, his parents hadn’t made a single comment, he could only assume that Alex rarely ate meals on a regular basis.
“Want me to take that for you, Alex?” Jack asked, the other boy’s parents having left the table to enter the living room.
“No, it’s okay. I’ll help you.” Alex sighed, standing to his feet, following Jack to the sink.
He turned the hot water tap on, and squirted washing up liquid into the bowl, bubbles soon began to overpower the water.
“Are you alright, Alex?” Jack appeared worried by Alex’s change of behaviour, but he assumed it was simply mood swings again.
“Yeah, I’m fine, honestly,” Alex tried to smile, but he wasn’t fooling Jack. “I’m just thinking too much.” He finally admitted, dipping his index finger in the water to test the temperature. He drew his hand back sharply as the burning sensation shot through his nerves.
“Ow, fuck!” He cried, waving his finger about as if it would make it feel any better.
“You’re such a loser.” Jack groaned, taking the boy’s hand, turning the cold tap on to cool down the burn.
Holding Alex’s finger beneath the water, he began to chuckle, “Any better?”
Alex nodded, pulling his hand back, “It’s still sore, though.” He mumbled, staring at the whitened mark.
“Want me to kiss it better?” Jack teased lightly, surprised when Alex held his finger towards his mouth. He lightly pressed his lips to the tip, ever so softly kissing the skin.
Leaning back, the boy grinned, “You’ll be fine, now. I have a magic touch.”
Adding cold water to the sink, Alex waited for the temperate to reach a warm state so he was able to scrub the used plates.
“I thought I was supposed to be doing that?” Jack laughed, “I guess I’ll stick to drying everything.” He picked up the creased towel from the sideboard. As his eyes drifted to Alex, he noticed how the boy would sway his hips in a rhythm as he cleaned.
And damn, that ass.
It was just too tempting.
Folding and twisting the towel tightly, he stepped behind Alex trying to be as silent as he could. The boy seemed to be too distracted by his washing to notice Jack move.
In one swift, sharp movement, the towel became a whip as it cracked against Alex’s backside.
“Jack, you fucker!”
Alex screamed as he jumped backwards, dropping plates in the sink, flinging his arms, spraying water everywhere. He clutched his ass tightly, the stinging was unbearable. “Oh my god, oh my god, I think my arse is gonna fall off.” He whined, dropping to the floor whilst his hands began to massage himself.
Jack stood over, his hand clamped to his mouth to avoid laughing, “I am so sorry...” He choked out, taking a few steps backwards to avoid Alex’s swiping arm. “I’ll kiss it better?” He suggested, though the look in Alex’s eyes told him to do one thing.
Run.
- - - -
Jack panted as he doubled over in Alex’s room, trying his hardest to catch his breath, sprinting up the stairs was not the one.
Alex was merely a few seconds behind him, the boy burst through the door, slamming it shut. “You’re going to pay for that, Barakat. I can’t feel my fucking arse cheeks.” He scowled, his voice a harsh tone.
“I said I was sorry?” Jack straightened up, his hands held up, ready to protect himself from any attacks.
“Sorry isn’t good enough.”
Alex leapt towards the boy, his shoulder slammed into Jack’s thigh, tackling the boy back onto his bed.
With his knees either side of Jack’s body, Alex’s hands pinned down the boy’s shoulders as he leant over him. Their faces were merely inches apart, Alex could feel Jack’s warm breath against his neck, and he forced himself to swallow to avoid himself getting hot under the collar. “You’re such a bastard.” He growled, thumbs digging against Jack’s collarbones, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind.
“I know.” He teased, his arms stretching outwards to loop themselves around Alex’s neck. “But you love it?” Jack tried to pull a ‘puppy dog’ look, even pouting his lips to have a bigger effect, but Alex wasn’t giving in.
“I don’t think I do.” He huffed, eyebrows furrowed to the younger boy. “Why are you so mean?” He whined, resting his forehead to Jack’s, the strands of their blonde and brunette hair twisting and tangling together.
“You know what they say, if a guy acts like an asshole to you, it usually means they like you.” The male smirked, gently nuzzling his nose against Alex’s.
Jack knew that their lips were merely millimetres away. Just a little closer and they would brush. A little push and they would collide. That would be the moment that their world would stop spinning.
He ached to kiss the boy; he longed to know how Alex tasted, because he was positive it would be sweeter than anything he’d ever known before. Even though the older boy’s lips were chapped, chewed on, and dry, they were wonderful. Jack knew they would mould perfectly against his own, but he doubted Alex would be ready.
One step at a time, he had to remind himself. One. Fucking. Step.
- - - -
Alex noticed the tension, for he too, wanted to kiss the other.
Jack had kissed males before, though. Jack had been in a committed relationship, where he’d probably gone the whole nine yards.
Alex removed Jack’s arms from his neck as he sat up straight on the bed. All he could think of was Jack and the silhouette of another male making love. He fucking hated how much it was killing himself inside.
Jack was an expert at all of this, Alex was simply a novice, a beginner, and he didn’t know what he was doing.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured, his arms folding across his chest as he crossed his legs. His eyes drifted to his duvet cover, a dull black, nothing special.
“I understand, Alex.” Jack answered softly, his hand gingerly placed on the boy’s arm. “We take it at your pace, remember?”
“Yeah, I know.” The boy sighed, allowing Jack to take a hold of his hand.
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he tried to push those disgusting mental images from his head, but as they became more vivid, Alex remember their previous conversation before dinner. He wanted to know about the silhouette.
“Jack...” He murmured, eyes opening as he lifted his chin.
“Yeah?”
“It’s after dinner.”
“So?”
“Now you can tell me about him... This Rian, boy.”
Jack stroked his temple as he chewed his inner cheek. He thought Alex had forgotten, he thought he was safe, just for one more day.
He’d never been that lucky, though.
“What do you want to know?” He finally responded, fingers beginning to tighten around Alex’s.
“Everything. How you met, what he was like, what he looks like, how long until you knew you loved him, how it ended, why it ended, everything.”
“Damn, that’s a lot.”
“I know.”
- - - -
Alex shuffled himself towards to the younger boy, he figured that perhaps if he stayed close, Jack would feel more comfortable.
“Well, it was last year when we met.” Jack began, “The beginning of Junior year, and my very first class was French. I hated the class, I didn’t even want to take it for I knew that none of my friends took it- well, I only really had Zack, but he was too ‘masculine’ to take the damn subject.” He muttered, though he was surprised at how talking about those whom he’d left back in Baltimore was easier than expected. “So I walked into the class, and the first person I noticed was a boy wearing a Face to Face shirt.”
“Face to Face?”
“They’re a band, idiot.”
“Oh, carry on.” Alex tilted his head to rest on Jack’s shoulder affectionately.
“So anyway, me being shit at first impressions stupidly asked him, “Hey, you like Face to Face?” and he nodded, I think a little freaked out by me, which was what I expected. But it was the way that he smiled that I just... It twisted me up inside, you know?”
Alex sighed, he knew exactly what Jack meant. He’d felt just like that, the moment he saw Jack’s smile.
“I’d heard rumours about the guy being bisexual, so I thought I’d just you know, maybe like, see if it was true? I became Detective Barakat over the next week or so; I practically stalked the poor guy. It paid off though, ‘cause it was true. I heard from a guy who used to date Rian, Brendon I think his name was.”
“Did you just straight up ask him out or something?”
“Fuck no! I’d honestly never been so scared in my life, if I even tried to talk to him again, I’d choke on my words and I wouldn’t make sense. He was the one who made the first move.”
“I bet you hyperventilated when he spoke to you.” Alex teased, giggling. His lifted their connected fingers to his lips, pushing his mouth against the bones.
“Too right. I didn’t really believe what was going on, I thought it was a dare or something, but then he just started to explain all this stuff to me. How apparently that stupid question I asked him made his heart melt, he found me adorable and awkward, and he just wanted to hold me in his arms and cuddle me stupid.”
“I know the feeling.”
“I was still in semi-denial of my sexuality, though. I knew I wasn’t attracted to women in the slightest, and I was fucking positive that I wanted to be with Rian, but I was scared. I knew how the kids at school would react if they found out, I was certain I’d get bullied. If I ever went into the changing rooms for gym, I was just waiting for someone to shout, “Backs against the walls, boys!” Even when I hadn’t come out. I was paranoid.”
“I guess you do know what I’m going through then, after all.”
“Indeed I do, so believe me when I say I do, okay?” Jack released Alex’s hand from his own, only for it to settle around the boy’s bony hip.
“Anyway, Rian and me had been seeing each other behind everybody’s back for about two weeks or so. I told him that I was scared; I didn’t want to tell anybody about us because I knew we’d get frowned upon. I didn’t want to risk losing Rian, though, and he even said himself that if I couldn’t admit to who I truly was, then he wasn’t going to stand by me anymore.”
“That was a bit harsh.” Alex commented, he wasn’t liking the sound of this boy, though of course he knew he was simply biased.
“It sounds it, but honestly, I was glad he done it. I guess that was the moment that I knew I liked him more than I planned to.”
“Was that when you realized you were in love?”
“Mm, no, I don’t think so. I guess I just knew that he was something special, and I didn’t want to let go of that. It’s like how I am with you. I think we’re in too early of a stage to even think about the word love, especially in our situation, but I certainly know that this isn’t any old sort of crush.”
Alex shrugged his shoulders, “I suppose...” His voice was muffled as he snuggled against the boy’s armpit, making himself more comfortable on his worn out mattress.
“Rian could relate with my problems, though. Like me with you now, he’d been through it all before. He just told me to stick my middle finger in the air and say fuck you to anybody who tries to get in your way.” Jack laughed as he picture Rian’s face telling him those exact words. The way he’d ran his hand through his hair, or lack of, and that smile of his. It was enough to break the hearts of many.
“He was comfortable with his sexuality because he believed that that was how he was made. He didn’t have a say as to what gender he preferred, it simply happened, he thought he was born like it. He convinced me that it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, we’re all different in this fucked up world.”
“So, I guess you’re going to try and make me believe the same thing.”
“You’re a fast learner.” Jack chuckled; glad to know that Alex was catching onto his story well.
“I finally followed his advice. After we’d been seeing each other for about a month, I decided that I wanted this relationship to be serious. I confided in my mum and dad first of all, I spilled by heart and fucking soul out to them, and they both cried. They said that they’d never been so proud of me before...” Jack tailed off as his voice began to crack. His vision of his parents was clear as day, he could remember the look upon their faces, the happiness that gleamed from their shining eyes... He missed those days.
“Rian was with me every step of the way, he said that I was his little soldier because I was fighting against the rumours, the hurtful comments, the bullies, all for him and our relationship.” The younger boy swallowed, his nails beginning to dig into Alex’s t-shirt. “I lost nearly everything. Though I had the support of my parents, none of my friends wanted to know me anymore. My best friend, Zack, he joined in with the others because he didn’t want to be associated with a ‘faggot’-“
“So how’s this supposed to make me feel any easier about admitting wanting to be with you to others?”
“Look, I didn’t have anybody, not really. But I still had Rian, and that was all that mattered to me. He was all I needed. It was that very moment when he stayed in my life, when all the others walked out, that I knew I was in love with him. Two months into our relationship, and I had fallen.”
“How did you know it was true?”
“Because I believe that loving somebody means to be willing to give up your own life, to allow theirs to live on.” A few tears slowly crawled from Jack’s eyes, “And I swear to God, I would have done so in a heartbeat.”
Alex’s thumb gently wiped away the stray tears, “Calm down, Jack, it’s okay. I’m here.” He hushed, hoping that the sound of his voice would allow the boy to keep himself together and carry on. The English boy ached to know how it would end.
“For nearly a year we were together, and they were both the happiest and saddest moments of my life. We would argue often over the smallest of things, sometimes we’d go crazy at each other, we even ended up in a fist fight because we couldn’t decide what to watch on TV. It was ridiculous, but those were the moments that I loved the most.”
“You thought you’d be together forever, right?”
“Of course I did. I even moved in with the boy after eight months, I was positive that he was the one. I know how stupid this sounds; because I was barely seventeen at the time, but I thought I’d fucking marry him. He was just too perfect... But of course, I was wrong.” Another tear rolled down his cheek, “Everything had gone exactly to plan, it was only a matter of time before it was ruined, completely.”
“What happened, Jack?”
“I-I...” The boy stopped, he was sobbing now.
“Jack, are you okay?”
“I c-can’t, Alex. “
“I know you can, you’re just trying to convince yourself otherwise, I know you’re stronger than this. Please, Jack.”
The American boy was shaking by now, his eyes were a blotchy red, and he was coughing and spluttering. This was too much for him to handle, he thought the talking was easy, but when it came to the realisation that it was true, that’s when he broke.
“R-Rian left me, because I became a mess.”
“What do you mean?”
“I started self-h-harming, Alex. I would slice my fucking flesh with a knife because I didn’t want to believe it was true. I was angry with myself for not being there for him when it happened; I was never there for him. Rian noticed the gaping cuts on my hip when we would go to bed, at first, he didn’t say a thing, but I knew he saw them, I fucking knew it. But did I stop? No, of course I fucking didn’t. I got deeper, and deeper, and I would never be satisfied until I was on my bathroom floor crying my fucking eyes out from hurting so much. I deserved it, I deserved all of it, but Rian couldn’t take it. He knew I was a state, that I needed him more than I ever needed him, but he left me on my own.”
“Jack, wait, hang on...” Alex’s arms were tightly held around the other boy’s torso; he was whispering into the boy’s ear, he didn’t want to hear him shout anymore. “What happened? Who’s him?”
“My Dad, Alex... just like you lost Daniel, I lost my fucking Dad, and it's all my fault.”