grey's anatomy fanfiction, all the girls - girl talk [1/3]
Girl Talk
Author’s Notes: I know, I should be working on something serious, or studying or something. But I’ve always wanted to do a series with just the girls, so here are the first three all ten chapters. Obviously LMR happens between two and three, and 3:01 happened in the middle of all of this, but let's just assume it didn't happen, in order to settle the time fame.
Chapter One: The Girls Talk ‘Girl Issues’
“Oh great,” Cristina yells loudly, from the bathroom, and Meredith and Izzie poke their heads around the doorway, curious.
“What?” the dirty blonde questions, leaning in for the answer.
“I am menstruating,” Cristina announces.
“Great,” Meredith replies.
“Thanks for, you know, letting us know,” Izzie adds.
A head of curly black hair peaks out from a slit between the bathroom wall and the stall door, “Guys, this is seriously a problem.”
“Ok,” Meredith answers, confused, “Why is this a problem? You’re not pregnant. Isn’t this a good thing?”
Cristina shakes her head.
“I’m bleeding, profusely, and I havenotampons.”
“What?” the other women exclaim incredulously, “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Cristina whines, “I just… do you guys have anything?”
Meredith shakes her head. Izzie just shrugs, “Sorry, I finished last week.”
“Oh,” Cristina rolls her eyes, “This is exactly what I need right now. Guys, I can’t leave this bathroom until you find me some female sanitary products.”
“How the hell are we going to do that?” Izzie protests, “Why the hell can’t you do that?”
Cristina closes and locks the stall, “And when you do find them, make sure they’re for heavy flow,” she says emphatically, “And uh, could you find me a spare pair of scrubs too?”
Izzie opens her mouth to whinge, but Meredith silences her, “C’mon Izzie, it’s a man’s world. We girls, we’ve got to stick together.”
“McDreamy being an ass again?” Cristina and Izzie ask in unison.
“Shut up,” Meredith snaps, “We have to find tampons.”
Izzie nods, “Ok, we have to find tampons.”
“That’s right,” Cristina yells, as they disappear from the locker room, “You have to find tampons.”
In the corridor, Izzie turns to Meredith, “Right well, this is a hospital. It can’t be too hard to you know, find something.”
Meredith nods her agreement, “Yeah of course.”
“You know where we should look?” Izzie questions rhetorically, “The public bathrooms. You know how at airports, they have the little dispenser machine things?”
“I thought they only had condoms,” Meredith grins, and sets off in the direction of the elevator.
“You would think that,” Izzie sniggers.
Minutes later, they’re standing in front of the machine, cursing loudly and thumping it on occasion.
“It ate my money.”
“It bit my hand.”
“Do you have any more change?”
“Nope, that was the last of it. You?”
Izzie shakes her head.
“Ok shit, well, let’s just go ask for change,” Meredith suggests.
“We’re doctors. We can’t just ask random people for change. How dodgy will that look?”
“We’ll just tell the truth.”
“What, that we need money for tampons?”
“You’re right… let’s just ask the first person we see who we know. We’re doctors, we work here, surely we’ll encounter other doctors that work here at some point.”
“So, if you see McDreamy, you’re just gonna be like, ‘Hi Derek, so do you have any change on you? I need money for tampons?’”
“No, I’m going to hide in the bathrooms, and you can ask him.”
Izzie voices her objection, “I’m not asking him.”
“Well who would you ask?” Meredith glares.
At the same time, George approaches them from the nurse’s station, chart in hand, looking entirely unsuspecting.
“George!” they both say in unison, “Good to see you.”
“Uh, hi guys,” he greets them, looking confused, “And er, good to see you too?”
“We need change,” Izzie smiles sweetly, “Quarters… ”
“What for?” he questions, innocently, digging in his pockets.
They exchange a glance, “Tampons.”
“Oh, I … err, here,” he blushes, pressing a pile of coins into Izzie’s outstretched palm, “I um, hope that’s enough?”
“Thanks George,” they both smile brightly and disappear into the bathroom before he has a chance to say anything else.
“You’re welcome,” he mutters to the swinging door.
Several curses later, Meredith and Izzie abandon the machine and decide to report back to Cristina, who is a) slightly claustrophobic and b) slightly pissed that she’s missing surgeries.
“I mean, I should have just been born a man,” she scowls, when they tell her they can’t find anything, “Why do women have to put up with this anyway? Why can’t we be like cats? They don’t ovulate until penetration has occurred. It’s just not biologically efficient.”
Alex pokes his head around the doorway, beside Izzie and Meredith, “Way, way too much information Yang. Like, just, way too much.”
“Shut up evil spawn,” Cristina snaps.
“Go away Alex,” Izzie echoes.
“You’re a man,” Meredith explains, “You just don’t understand.”
“Guys, you have to do something,” Cristina wails, “I mean, it’s a hospital. Can’t you just ask someone else? Like Olivia or someone? Or Bailey? Or any other female member of staff?”
Meredith and Izzie gulp, “Of course.”
“Olivia’s not working today,” Izzie complains, as they exit the locker room for the second time.
“And Bailey’s in surgery.”
“That only leaves…”
Slowly they both turn to see Addison, perched on the edge of gurney, chewing on a pen and making notes on a chart.
“Oh no,” Meredith shakes her head, “Nope. No way. I can’t… I am not asking her, Izzie we can’t.”
But Izzie is already dragging her down the hall.
“Meredith, she’s a gynaecologist,” Izzie says slowly, as if talking to a small child, “She gets stuff like this all the time.”
“But Izzie,” Meredith hisses, “She’s McWife.”
Izzie nods, “I know, I know she’s McWife, but she’s…”
They both turn to stare when she coughs, and fixes them with a Look, “Um hello, I can hear you?”
“Dr Shepard,” Izzie beams broadly, stepping closer with her hands behind her back, rocking back and forward in her shoes.
“Dr Shepard,” Meredith parrots lamely.
“Dr Stevens, Dr Grey,” she nods back, “Can I um, help you with something?”
“Well, see…” Izzie begins, glaring at Meredith, making a gesture that implies she should continue.
“Oh no way,” Meredith objects, “This was your idea.”
Addison blinks, “Stevens?”
“Weneedtampons,” the blonde mutters quickly, and tries to ignore Meredith’s mortified look.
“Um, excuse me?” is the response of the foremost neonatal care specialist in the country.
“What Izzie means is that, um, we have a situation,” Meredith explains, wringing her hands together, “And we, uh, need…” she lowers her voice to a whisper, “Tampons.”
“You need tampons?” the redhead inquires, confounded.
“Um, yes?” they both reply in unison.
“Ok then,” Addison stands, tucks the chart under her arm.
“Ok?”
“Ok, I don’t think I have any, but, let’s go,” she gestures with her free hand, “Find some… tampons.”
“See?” Izzie whispers to Meredith, as they fall in step behind the other woman, “I told you she would help.”
“I can still hear you Stevens,” Addison informs her, “And do you seriously call me McWife?”
“Well, um,” Meredith twists her hair.
“Actually, don’t answer that,” Addison muses, “I don’t think I want to know.”
A quarter of an hour later, they’re trawling through a supply closet, searching high and low.
“I’ve got syringes, I’ve got dressings, I’ve got alchowipes,” Izzie whines, “But no tampons.”
“Ditto,” says Meredith, “Bandages, suture kits, and steri-strips.”
Addison brushes the dust of her hands, and sniffles. The interns turn to look at her in surprise.
“Um, Doctor Shephard?” Meredith begins.
“Yes?” she answers, wiping her running eyes.
“Are you Ok?”
“It’s just,” she breaks into a series of sneezes, “Hayfever,” she finishes lamely, to their awed exclamations of ‘bless you’.
“I have tissues,” Izzie blinks, handing her an unopened box.
“Um, thank you,” she sniffs, “And um, don’t call me McWife. Addison is you know, fine.”
They nod, “Ok.”
“Ok?”
Meredith shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
“You’re helping us find tampons,” Izzie declares, by way of explanation, and nods again, “Of course.”
“So, why exactly are we looking for tampons?” Addison enquires, before succumbing to another fit of sneezes.
“Wow, that was ten in a row,” Meredith observes, “Oh, and because Cristina is all, ‘I want to be a man’ and forgot to prepare for the joys of womanhood.”
“Oh,” she blows her nose, and blinks a few times, “Right.”
“Oooh, I think I’ve found something,” Izzie pipes up suddenly, “But I can’t quite reach, someone give me a boost up, and I’ll…”
The Chief of Surgery of course chooses this moment to wander down the hall immediately outside the supply closet in which we find our heroines. And of course, the following noises can be heard coming from said supply closet:
“Just, push a little bit more Dr…Addison.”
“For crying out loud Izzie, shut up, we’re doing our best.”
“Higher, no, no to the left…. Not that left!”
“Be quiet!”
“Ok, I’ve got it. I’m coming down now.”
And of course, the Chief of Surgery decides he wants to know why afore mentioned heroines are yelling such things from within a supply closet. He opens the door.
“Chief!” Meredith and Izzie exclaim, and Izzie hides a box behind her back.
“Richard!” Addison blinks, straightening her skirt, and rising to her full height.
Richard just looks around, studying each woman carefully, “What is going on here?”
Meredith and Izzie look at each other helplessly, trying to come up with a suitable explanation. But before they can begin, Addison smiles and says, “We’re on a quest.”
“You’re on a quest,” the Chief repeats.
“Yes Sir, we are on a quest.”
“And this quest, it led you to a supply closet?”
She nods.
“What exactly, are you, um, questing for?” he inquires, suspiciously.
Addison shoots a desperate glance in the direction of the interns, “Um, well…”
“We were looking for,” Meredith continues, but then stumbles, and Izzie tries to open her mouth, but fails entirely.
“I’m going to tell you all a secret,” Richard mutters, “You all suck at lying.”
“We are actually on a quest,” Meredith protests.
“I repeat, a quest for what?”
“Tampons,” Addison smiles.
“What?”
“Tampons sir,” Izzie repeats, beaming similarly.
The Chief of Surgery swallows, and backs out of the doorway, “Um, ok.”
“Ok?” they chorus.
He nods, “Ok. Just… um, I’ve got it. Secret women’s business, girl issues, whatever… it’s ok.”
He closes the door.
They collapse in a fit of giggles.
“Men are stupid,” Izzie notes.
“Men are stupid,” Meredith repeats.
“Yep, men are stupid,” Addison echoes.
“So,” Izzie says, “Let’s go find Cristina.”
Meredith nods, “Let’s go find Cristina.”
Addison just sneezes again.
“You have to come and find Cristina,” Meredith says suddenly, grabbing her arm. When Addison stares at her quizzically she justifies her request, “It’s a man’s world. We girls, we have to stick together.”
Addison grins, “Is my husband being an ass again?”
“Do you have to ask?” Meredith rolls her eyes.
“Not really,” she replies, smiling slyly.
“Guys,” Izzie hisses, “Cristina!”
“Right,” they respond, “Cristina.”
And together they march towards the intern’s locker room. Derek sees them approaching, and swallows nervously, because Meredith and Addison don’t usually get along so well. He really hopes they’re not fighting. He really hopes that his wife isn’t being a bitch, and he really hopes that Meredith isn’t telling his wife anything she shouldn’t know.
Thus, he is surprised that when his wife approaches, she smiles at him and says, “I can’t talk now Derek, I’m on a quest.”
So he turns to Meredith who similarly shakes her head apologetically, “I’m on a quest.”
“Dr Stevens?” he pleads for an explanation, looking bewildered.
She shrugs, “On a quest.”
He watches them past and turns to find Richard also staring.
“Secret women’s business,” the Chief of Surgery tells him.
“Ah,” he nods, “Right, secret women’s business. Girl issues. Whatever.”
Chapter Two: The Girls Talk ‘Terrible Things’
Addison tries to ignore them, but they wave her over and really, it would be rude, not to allow Izzie Stevens to drag her over to the table, currently occupied by Meredith and Cristina.
“Hey Addison,” Meredith smiles.
She looks around behind her and warily sits, “Hi.”
“Erm ok, this is awkward,” Cristina observes, shoving a handful of crisps in her mouth and chewing loudly.
“Well I just,” Addison fiddles with the edge of the lab coat, “Yep, awkward.”
“Definitely, awkward,” Izzie repeats.
The all turn to stare at Meredith.
“I did a terrible thing,” is all she says, picking at the crust of her sandwich.
Cristina hits her on the arm, “Snap out of it Grey, I told you, we all do terrible things.”
“But I mean, this was really terrible,” she responds, and Izzie nods. Addison just tries not to look very, very confused.
“Really very terrible,” Meredith continues, “He won’t even sit with us now, because I’m here. I broke George; I’m a terrible terrible person.”
“You um, broke George?” Addison lifts an eyebrow.
“They had clumsy and uncomfortable sex and she cried,” Cristina explains flatly.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh!” Meredith agrees, staring at her hands, “I did a terrible, terrible thing and I am a terrible terrible person.”
“We all do terrible things Mer,” Cristina repeats, “Come on guys, what terrible things have you done?”
Addison turns to stare with a forkful of food (or something from the hospital cafeteria that was halfway edible anyway) poised beyond her lips.
Meredith answers, “I slept with George.”
Addison pouts and lowers her head, “I slept with Mark.”
Izzie pipes up, “Alex slept with Olivia.”
They all turn to stare at Cristina, who looks left and right over her coffee before saying, “Um, Burke loves me?”
Chapter Three: The Girls Talk ‘Men, Who Needs Them?’
“I wish I were a lesbian,” Meredith huffs, pulling herself up onto the gurney beside Addison, who is hitting herself in the forehead with her clenched fists. Repeatedly.
Addison laughs, “I wish I were a lesbian.”
“Seriously,” Meredith twists her mouth into a shape that properly expresses her dissatisfaction, “It would make my life so much simpler.”
“I know,” the red head responds, a little red patch forming above her eyebrows, “Don’t even get me started on Derek, I just don’t understand.”
“Neither do I!” Meredith exclaims, “I mean I am trying to move on. Surely he can see that. I have Finn. Finn is wonderful. Finn is sweet. Finn is nice…”
“Finn is so close to a woman that you feel like a lesbian?” Cristina finishes her sentence, and slithers up next to Addison, “Because he makes me feel like one, he is the most feminine man ever.”
“You haven’t seen Derek’s bathroom,” Addison responds wryly, “That man has more hair products than me.”
“He loves his hair,” Meredith shrugs.
“He loves himself,” Cristina observes, “I don’t know what you guys see in him.”
“I don’t see anything him,” Meredith objects, “I’m with Finn.”
Cristina and Addison roll their eyes and turn to stare incredulously, “Right. You’re with Finn.”
“The lesbian man,” Addison grins at Cristina and resumes her assault on her own cranium.
Cristina nods, “The lesbian man.”
Meredith makes an angry noise and sticks her tongue out at Cristina. They sit in silence, pondering their own individual frustration with the males of the species.
Cristina suddenly grabs at Addison’s wrists, “Would you desist?”
They exchange a glare, until finally Addison crosses her arms, “I live in a trailer.”
Meredith and Cristina nod.
“You live in a trailer.”
“I am fabulous,” she plucks an errant strand of hair out of her face and tucks it behind one ear, studying her reflection in a painting hanging opposite them, “I mean look at me, I’m hot.”
“You’re McHot,” Cristina and Meredith answer together.
“I was probably Mary freakin’ Poppins in a past life, why… why can’t I just get divorced?”
“Well you know, Mary Poppins, divorce,” Meredith looks from one of her outstretched palms to the other, “Don’t exactly go hand in hand.”
“Why am I getting relationship advice from the woman my husband is in love with?”
“Ouch,” Meredith pouts.
“Why am I sitting here commiserating with two interns about how much my life sucks?”
“I wish I were a lesbian,” Cristina announces suddenly, “If I have to deal with Burke and his whiney emotional crap one more time,” she trails off, “I mean, I am trying to be supportive. But he doesn’t want to be supported.”
“Well you can lead a horse to water,” Addison begins.
The interns turn to stare.
“What?” she continues defensively, “All I’m saying is that I’m trying to make my marriage work, but he doesn’t want it to work. So there’s not a whole lot more I can do. You can go three quarters of the way, but he still has to meet you there.”
“And of course he never does,” Meredith sulks, “Because he’s a man and he’s too good for that.”
“He thinks his penis is as big as his wounded ego,” Cristina continues.
“Oh tell me about it,” Addison clenches her fists, “So I slept with Mark. Jesus Derek. Get. Over. It.”
“Mark was hot,” Meredith remarks.
Addison smirks, “He was.”
“Was he good?” Cristina lifts an eyebrow.
Addison smirks more, “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Mores the pity,” Meredith laments, “But Mark… Mark had all the qualities I like in a man. He was direct, to the point, interested in getting in my pants, no strings attached.”
“Yep,” Cristina presses her palms against the metal, “I’m sick of men with strings.”
Addison nods, “I’m sick of men who own trailers.”
“I’m just sick of men,” Meredith adds.
Derek saunters down the corridor and seeing Meredith and Addison, decides to stop and make friendly conversation, perhaps try and deduce whether they have been talking about him and whether he should be wary of projectiles when he comes home.
“Hey ladies,” he flashes them a smile, “How goes it?”
Addison and Meredith exchange a Look. And promptly begin to pointedly ignore his presence. He turns in exasperation to Cristina, who merely shrugs.
“We’re sitting around wishing we were lesbians,” she informs him casually.
Derek looks shocked, but can’t quite hide the incredibly sly smile than causes the sides of his mouth to curve upwards.
“Oh piss off, you pervert,” Cristina hisses under her breath.
Addison glares.
Meredith studies the floor.
He turns and walks away.
“Yeah,” Addison watches him turn the corner, “I could totally be a lesbian.”
Chapter Four: The Girls Talk ‘Bad Hair Days’
Meredith stares at herself in the mirror and groans, “Damnit, my hair refuses to do anything today. I can’t put it up, I can’t leave it down… it just won’t. co-operate.”
Cristina opens a stall door and stumbles towards the sinks.
“I couldn’t make coffee this morning,” she mumbles, still half-asleep, “Because some inconsiderate fool wrapped their car around a street lamp and we had no power. Point of the story,” she rakes her fingers through her damp curls, “I couldn’t blow dry it. Be prepared for the fro.”
“Cristina,” Meredith stares, “You hair always looks perfect. Me, we are talking about me.”
Cristina shakes her head, “I’m telling you, it looks like a fro.”
They stare at their reflections in dismay, Meredith clutching at her fringe and Cristina attempting to tame the mass that is indeed beginning to resemble pre-op Michael Jackson’s frizzy mop, the one from the Jackson Five days.
Addison interrupts their misery by crashing into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.
“Oh,” Meredith smiles, surprised, “Good morning.”
Addison drops a (very large) bag onto the bench and unzips it roughly, spilling cosmetics onto the counter top. She then says flatly, “No. It’s not a good morning.”
Cristina and Meredith exchange a sideways glance.
“Um, ok then,” Meredith continues, “It’s just what you say, you know?”
“Yeah, what’s up with you?” Cristina raises and eyebrow as Addison begins wiping the streams of mascara under her eyes and reapplying her make-up.
“I hate Seattle!” she exclaims, “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”
Meredith tries to stifle a giggle. Cristina makes a face.
“Is it raining?” Cristina inquires politely.
“Do you even have to ask?” Addison snaps, “It’s Seattle… it’s always raining. But yes, today the rain is worse than normal and Derek refused to drop me at the door so I’m soaking wet and my make-up is ruined and I hate the rain! It ruins my hair.”
She pouts at them in the mirror and takes a deep breath, “And I have surgery today. Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but things always go wrong when I have bad hair.”
“Sure, because the all powerful cosmological force that controls the universe answers to your hair,” Cristina remarks sarcastically.
Addison tosses said hair and narrows her now-perfectly lined eyes, “Yang, don’t diss the hair.”
Cristina holds up her hands apologetically, “I’m not dissing the hair.”
Addison smiles sweetly, “Good.”
Turning to Meredith, Cristina mumbles under her breath, “First the freaking juju, now the hair.”
Addison whirls around and glares, “I know it’s stupid, but coincidentally, whenever I have a bad hair day,” she shudders, “Surgeries go crap. Babies throw up on me. Nurses spread nasty rumours about my practically non-existent sex life. Seriously, whatever can go wrong will go wrong if my hair is bad. And today, my hair is definitely bad.”
It wasn’t actually. From the perspective of a neutral observer Addison’s hair looked no different to usual; it was a little wet perhaps, maybe not as smooth but nothing to complain about. Certainly not as fro-like as Cristina’s ebony curls were shaping up to be.
“Whatever,” Cristina comments, blowing her fringe out her eyes.
"Just you wait," Addison replies, "Something horrid will happen to me before 10am."
Cristina looks at Meredith imploringly, "Tell me you're on my side."
She is met with a resolute shake of the head, and a toss of the dirty-blonde curls spilling out of Meredith's pony tail, "Nope. I'm absolutely with Addison on this one. When my hair is terrible I get it sniffed in elevators and other horrible things."
"You get sniffed?" the other two women respond increduously.
"Why did I say that?" Meredith groans, "Now I have to explain don't I?"
They both nod, "Yep."
"Well, just this one day," she folds her arms and leans against the sink, "When I was having the. worst. day. ever. I got stuck in an elevator with Derek. And he sniffed my hair."
"Should I be listening to this?" Addison questions, looking slightly anxious.
Meredith shrugs, "Nothing happened. Then. Nothing happened I swear. He just... was creepy."
"Nothing happened then?"
"Nothing happened."
"Ever?"
"Um."
Cristina stares into the distance and begins to hum 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'.
"Well..." Meredith begins awkwardly.
"Something happened?" Addison nearly shrieks.
"It was an accident," Meredith replies in kind.
"See, I told you," Addison points a finger at Cristina, "I told you bad things always happen when I have bad hair."
"What the hell?" Cristina rolls her eyes, "Nothing bad happened today. You just found out about it. That doesn't make you unlucky, that just makes you slow."
"I AM NOT SLOW."
"I'M FREAKING SORRY ABOUT PROM OK? HE'S A CREEP. HE FOLLOWED ME."
"I HATE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS PEOPLE."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT," Meredith finally announces.
And they all turn to stare at each other.
"You said something happened."
"We're all having a bad hair day."
"Right," Meredith takes stock, "Well, you were already aware of the incident I was alluding to."
"Oh, prom," Addison rolls her eyes to heaven, “Yeah.”
"Whatever, I still don't believe in this 'bad hair day' business," Cristina huffs.
"Ok then, but I warned you," Addison crosses her arms across her chest.
"You were warned," Meredith agrees.
"Ok, I have been warned," Cristina says, “Are we all ready to face the bad hair day now?”
They nod.
Addison tip-toes out of the bathroom and huddles close the wall. Meredith follows. Cristina laughs at their Mission Impossible act and saunters out into the corridor.
And is promptly showered with a green substance with a brownish tinge, which smells absolutely foul.
“What the hell?” Cristina cries.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse mumbles, “It was my power protein breakfast shake.”
Addison and Meredith giggle in the corner, still nearly flattened against the wall.
“Don’t you dare say I told you so,” Cristina admonishes, “If you even think it I will kill you.”
Addison shrugs, “You have angered the gods of Bad Hair Days.”
Meredith nods ominously, “And now, you must pay.”
George chooses this moment to wander up and greet his friends. Noticing Cristina clutching at her hair in distress, he asks innocently, “Bad hair day?”
Meredith and Addison cannot contain their delight, and as they stand their cackling with glee, Cristina glares murderously. George just presses the button for the elevator and looks confused.
“Must be something in the water,” he mumbles to Derek, who has observed the final moments of the scene and is also very, very confused.
“Yep, the women in this hospital are,” the neurosurgeon shudders, “Taking over.”
George nods and tries to tug down on a particularly stubborn bit of hair that insists of sticking straight up.
Derek looks on sympathetically and raises a hand to his own head, “And to make things worse, I’m having a bad hair day.”
Chapter Five: The Girls Talk ‘The F-Word’
The elevator dings on the third floor and the doors slide open to reveal Addison studying her reflection (or all you can see of it) in the doors, looking very critical.
“Hey,” Meredith greets her and Cristina smiles.
Addison waves distractedly.
“Do you think I’m fat?” she inquires at length.
Meredith shakes her head emphatically, “No, you’re definitely not fat.”
Cristina nods, “Yeah, definitely.”
Addison turns from side to side, “Are you sure?”
Meredith crosses her arms, “Addison. Are you nuts?”
“Quite possibly,” the redhead chews on her lip thoughtfully, “But Derek made an offhand comment this morning about how much I eat,” she pauses, “Which may just be a subtle way of telling me I’m putting on weight.”
Meredith studies her own reflection carefully, “Tell me about. I’m putting on weight. Izzie’s new coping-with-loss strategy seems to include covering every available surface in my house with baked goods.”
Cristina’s eyes light up, “So I’m coming over to your place tonight.”
Meredith puts her hands on her hips, trying to judge their width, “And between the chocolate cake and the tequila, I must be getting so fat.”
Cristina groans, “Don’t say the f-word. Since Burke’s been in hospital, I’ve been a regular at the House of Wong. All the Chinese food is making my scrubs tight. And guys, they’re elastic!”
Addison rolls her eyes, “You guys are practically anorexic-looking. I don’t know what you’re worried about. Try actually having to watch what you eat to prevent you from looking like your mother.”
“Addison,” Meredith shoots her a disbelieving look, “As if you’re having any problems in the ‘hot’ department. I mean Finn is still not sleeping with me,” she gesticulates with her hands, “Maybe it’s because he’s noticed that my jeans are getting way too tight.”
“Um hello?” Addison blinks back, “I’m not exactly having the world’s hottest sex, and clearly, my husband thinks there’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Cristina reassures her, “Men don’t do subtle. If he thought it, he’d just say it.”
“I don’t know,” Addison looks sceptical.
“Yeah,” Meredith agrees, “I mean Finn? Finn can do subtle. And contrary to popular opinion,” she smirks, “He is most definitely a man.”
“We’re not fat!” Cristina declares, “None of us are fat. Stop talking about being fat!”
They all fold their arms and glare at the fuzzy reflections.
The doors open again as they clunk to a stop on the fifth floor.
They’re joined by a wary looking Derek.
He nods, “Doctor Yang, Meredith, Addison.”
They mumble a collective response.
“Who died?” he jokes.
They all turn to stare.
“We’re in a hospital Derek,” Addison snaps, “That’s really not funny.”
He looks bewildered, “Are you mad at me?”
Addison shakes her head, then nods vigorously, putting her hands on her hips.
“What the hell did I do?” he looks worried and looks to Meredith then to Cristina for some hint of what his unnamed indiscretion might be.
“You said the f-word,” Cristina yawns, looking bored and impatient with him for being so slow, “Or implied it. You’re not allowed to do that. It’s against all the rules of male and female interaction.”
He tilts his head to one side, “The f-word?”
“Fat,” Meredith supplies as Addison shuffles into the corner and sulks.
“I didn’t call you fat,” he exclaims.
“Do you think I’m fat?” his wife looks up and pouts.
“Oh, good idea. I need a second male opinion,” Meredith looks up hopefully, “Do you think I’m fat?”
Cristina glares, “Um yeah, me? Am I fat?”
Derek looks positively mortified.
“I can’t get out of this can I?” he asks rhetorically.
“You think we’re fat!” they cry in unison.
Meredith looks disappointed. Addison looks crestfallen. Cristina just looks mad.
“No!” he retorts, “I never said that.”
“You certainly implied it,” Addison narrows her eyes, “And I hope you realise that you’re sleeping on the couch.”
“You’re not fat!” he protests, “None of you. You’re all perfectly normal.”
“Normal?” Meredith squeaks, looking even more upset than before.
“Women!” he throws his hands in the air, “I can’t say you’re all attractive because then Addison will be pissed off at me for noticing and you’ll all think I’m a perve. I can’t say nothing because then you’ll assume that I think you’re fat. I can’t win.”
“Nope,” Cristina shakes her head, “You’re pretty much screwed.”
“You think I’m attractive?” Addison twists a strand of her hair around her fingers, smiling shyly.
“You think we’re attractive?” Meredith echoes, looking similarly charmed.
Derek clutches at his hair, “Is that a trick question?”
“Just say yes,” Cristina advises, “And don’t say the f-word.”
LINK TO CHAPTERS 6-10. BECAUSE EL-JAY SAYS THE POST WAS TOO BIG. :(
Author’s Notes: I know, I should be working on something serious, or studying or something. But I’ve always wanted to do a series with just the girls, so here are the first three all ten chapters. Obviously LMR happens between two and three, and 3:01 happened in the middle of all of this, but let's just assume it didn't happen, in order to settle the time fame.
Chapter One: The Girls Talk ‘Girl Issues’
“Oh great,” Cristina yells loudly, from the bathroom, and Meredith and Izzie poke their heads around the doorway, curious.
“What?” the dirty blonde questions, leaning in for the answer.
“I am menstruating,” Cristina announces.
“Great,” Meredith replies.
“Thanks for, you know, letting us know,” Izzie adds.
A head of curly black hair peaks out from a slit between the bathroom wall and the stall door, “Guys, this is seriously a problem.”
“Ok,” Meredith answers, confused, “Why is this a problem? You’re not pregnant. Isn’t this a good thing?”
Cristina shakes her head.
“I’m bleeding, profusely, and I havenotampons.”
“What?” the other women exclaim incredulously, “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Cristina whines, “I just… do you guys have anything?”
Meredith shakes her head. Izzie just shrugs, “Sorry, I finished last week.”
“Oh,” Cristina rolls her eyes, “This is exactly what I need right now. Guys, I can’t leave this bathroom until you find me some female sanitary products.”
“How the hell are we going to do that?” Izzie protests, “Why the hell can’t you do that?”
Cristina closes and locks the stall, “And when you do find them, make sure they’re for heavy flow,” she says emphatically, “And uh, could you find me a spare pair of scrubs too?”
Izzie opens her mouth to whinge, but Meredith silences her, “C’mon Izzie, it’s a man’s world. We girls, we’ve got to stick together.”
“McDreamy being an ass again?” Cristina and Izzie ask in unison.
“Shut up,” Meredith snaps, “We have to find tampons.”
Izzie nods, “Ok, we have to find tampons.”
“That’s right,” Cristina yells, as they disappear from the locker room, “You have to find tampons.”
In the corridor, Izzie turns to Meredith, “Right well, this is a hospital. It can’t be too hard to you know, find something.”
Meredith nods her agreement, “Yeah of course.”
“You know where we should look?” Izzie questions rhetorically, “The public bathrooms. You know how at airports, they have the little dispenser machine things?”
“I thought they only had condoms,” Meredith grins, and sets off in the direction of the elevator.
“You would think that,” Izzie sniggers.
Minutes later, they’re standing in front of the machine, cursing loudly and thumping it on occasion.
“It ate my money.”
“It bit my hand.”
“Do you have any more change?”
“Nope, that was the last of it. You?”
Izzie shakes her head.
“Ok shit, well, let’s just go ask for change,” Meredith suggests.
“We’re doctors. We can’t just ask random people for change. How dodgy will that look?”
“We’ll just tell the truth.”
“What, that we need money for tampons?”
“You’re right… let’s just ask the first person we see who we know. We’re doctors, we work here, surely we’ll encounter other doctors that work here at some point.”
“So, if you see McDreamy, you’re just gonna be like, ‘Hi Derek, so do you have any change on you? I need money for tampons?’”
“No, I’m going to hide in the bathrooms, and you can ask him.”
Izzie voices her objection, “I’m not asking him.”
“Well who would you ask?” Meredith glares.
At the same time, George approaches them from the nurse’s station, chart in hand, looking entirely unsuspecting.
“George!” they both say in unison, “Good to see you.”
“Uh, hi guys,” he greets them, looking confused, “And er, good to see you too?”
“We need change,” Izzie smiles sweetly, “Quarters… ”
“What for?” he questions, innocently, digging in his pockets.
They exchange a glance, “Tampons.”
“Oh, I … err, here,” he blushes, pressing a pile of coins into Izzie’s outstretched palm, “I um, hope that’s enough?”
“Thanks George,” they both smile brightly and disappear into the bathroom before he has a chance to say anything else.
“You’re welcome,” he mutters to the swinging door.
Several curses later, Meredith and Izzie abandon the machine and decide to report back to Cristina, who is a) slightly claustrophobic and b) slightly pissed that she’s missing surgeries.
“I mean, I should have just been born a man,” she scowls, when they tell her they can’t find anything, “Why do women have to put up with this anyway? Why can’t we be like cats? They don’t ovulate until penetration has occurred. It’s just not biologically efficient.”
Alex pokes his head around the doorway, beside Izzie and Meredith, “Way, way too much information Yang. Like, just, way too much.”
“Shut up evil spawn,” Cristina snaps.
“Go away Alex,” Izzie echoes.
“You’re a man,” Meredith explains, “You just don’t understand.”
“Guys, you have to do something,” Cristina wails, “I mean, it’s a hospital. Can’t you just ask someone else? Like Olivia or someone? Or Bailey? Or any other female member of staff?”
Meredith and Izzie gulp, “Of course.”
“Olivia’s not working today,” Izzie complains, as they exit the locker room for the second time.
“And Bailey’s in surgery.”
“That only leaves…”
Slowly they both turn to see Addison, perched on the edge of gurney, chewing on a pen and making notes on a chart.
“Oh no,” Meredith shakes her head, “Nope. No way. I can’t… I am not asking her, Izzie we can’t.”
But Izzie is already dragging her down the hall.
“Meredith, she’s a gynaecologist,” Izzie says slowly, as if talking to a small child, “She gets stuff like this all the time.”
“But Izzie,” Meredith hisses, “She’s McWife.”
Izzie nods, “I know, I know she’s McWife, but she’s…”
They both turn to stare when she coughs, and fixes them with a Look, “Um hello, I can hear you?”
“Dr Shepard,” Izzie beams broadly, stepping closer with her hands behind her back, rocking back and forward in her shoes.
“Dr Shepard,” Meredith parrots lamely.
“Dr Stevens, Dr Grey,” she nods back, “Can I um, help you with something?”
“Well, see…” Izzie begins, glaring at Meredith, making a gesture that implies she should continue.
“Oh no way,” Meredith objects, “This was your idea.”
Addison blinks, “Stevens?”
“Weneedtampons,” the blonde mutters quickly, and tries to ignore Meredith’s mortified look.
“Um, excuse me?” is the response of the foremost neonatal care specialist in the country.
“What Izzie means is that, um, we have a situation,” Meredith explains, wringing her hands together, “And we, uh, need…” she lowers her voice to a whisper, “Tampons.”
“You need tampons?” the redhead inquires, confounded.
“Um, yes?” they both reply in unison.
“Ok then,” Addison stands, tucks the chart under her arm.
“Ok?”
“Ok, I don’t think I have any, but, let’s go,” she gestures with her free hand, “Find some… tampons.”
“See?” Izzie whispers to Meredith, as they fall in step behind the other woman, “I told you she would help.”
“I can still hear you Stevens,” Addison informs her, “And do you seriously call me McWife?”
“Well, um,” Meredith twists her hair.
“Actually, don’t answer that,” Addison muses, “I don’t think I want to know.”
A quarter of an hour later, they’re trawling through a supply closet, searching high and low.
“I’ve got syringes, I’ve got dressings, I’ve got alchowipes,” Izzie whines, “But no tampons.”
“Ditto,” says Meredith, “Bandages, suture kits, and steri-strips.”
Addison brushes the dust of her hands, and sniffles. The interns turn to look at her in surprise.
“Um, Doctor Shephard?” Meredith begins.
“Yes?” she answers, wiping her running eyes.
“Are you Ok?”
“It’s just,” she breaks into a series of sneezes, “Hayfever,” she finishes lamely, to their awed exclamations of ‘bless you’.
“I have tissues,” Izzie blinks, handing her an unopened box.
“Um, thank you,” she sniffs, “And um, don’t call me McWife. Addison is you know, fine.”
They nod, “Ok.”
“Ok?”
Meredith shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
“You’re helping us find tampons,” Izzie declares, by way of explanation, and nods again, “Of course.”
“So, why exactly are we looking for tampons?” Addison enquires, before succumbing to another fit of sneezes.
“Wow, that was ten in a row,” Meredith observes, “Oh, and because Cristina is all, ‘I want to be a man’ and forgot to prepare for the joys of womanhood.”
“Oh,” she blows her nose, and blinks a few times, “Right.”
“Oooh, I think I’ve found something,” Izzie pipes up suddenly, “But I can’t quite reach, someone give me a boost up, and I’ll…”
The Chief of Surgery of course chooses this moment to wander down the hall immediately outside the supply closet in which we find our heroines. And of course, the following noises can be heard coming from said supply closet:
“Just, push a little bit more Dr…Addison.”
“For crying out loud Izzie, shut up, we’re doing our best.”
“Higher, no, no to the left…. Not that left!”
“Be quiet!”
“Ok, I’ve got it. I’m coming down now.”
And of course, the Chief of Surgery decides he wants to know why afore mentioned heroines are yelling such things from within a supply closet. He opens the door.
“Chief!” Meredith and Izzie exclaim, and Izzie hides a box behind her back.
“Richard!” Addison blinks, straightening her skirt, and rising to her full height.
Richard just looks around, studying each woman carefully, “What is going on here?”
Meredith and Izzie look at each other helplessly, trying to come up with a suitable explanation. But before they can begin, Addison smiles and says, “We’re on a quest.”
“You’re on a quest,” the Chief repeats.
“Yes Sir, we are on a quest.”
“And this quest, it led you to a supply closet?”
She nods.
“What exactly, are you, um, questing for?” he inquires, suspiciously.
Addison shoots a desperate glance in the direction of the interns, “Um, well…”
“We were looking for,” Meredith continues, but then stumbles, and Izzie tries to open her mouth, but fails entirely.
“I’m going to tell you all a secret,” Richard mutters, “You all suck at lying.”
“We are actually on a quest,” Meredith protests.
“I repeat, a quest for what?”
“Tampons,” Addison smiles.
“What?”
“Tampons sir,” Izzie repeats, beaming similarly.
The Chief of Surgery swallows, and backs out of the doorway, “Um, ok.”
“Ok?” they chorus.
He nods, “Ok. Just… um, I’ve got it. Secret women’s business, girl issues, whatever… it’s ok.”
He closes the door.
They collapse in a fit of giggles.
“Men are stupid,” Izzie notes.
“Men are stupid,” Meredith repeats.
“Yep, men are stupid,” Addison echoes.
“So,” Izzie says, “Let’s go find Cristina.”
Meredith nods, “Let’s go find Cristina.”
Addison just sneezes again.
“You have to come and find Cristina,” Meredith says suddenly, grabbing her arm. When Addison stares at her quizzically she justifies her request, “It’s a man’s world. We girls, we have to stick together.”
Addison grins, “Is my husband being an ass again?”
“Do you have to ask?” Meredith rolls her eyes.
“Not really,” she replies, smiling slyly.
“Guys,” Izzie hisses, “Cristina!”
“Right,” they respond, “Cristina.”
And together they march towards the intern’s locker room. Derek sees them approaching, and swallows nervously, because Meredith and Addison don’t usually get along so well. He really hopes they’re not fighting. He really hopes that his wife isn’t being a bitch, and he really hopes that Meredith isn’t telling his wife anything she shouldn’t know.
Thus, he is surprised that when his wife approaches, she smiles at him and says, “I can’t talk now Derek, I’m on a quest.”
So he turns to Meredith who similarly shakes her head apologetically, “I’m on a quest.”
“Dr Stevens?” he pleads for an explanation, looking bewildered.
She shrugs, “On a quest.”
He watches them past and turns to find Richard also staring.
“Secret women’s business,” the Chief of Surgery tells him.
“Ah,” he nods, “Right, secret women’s business. Girl issues. Whatever.”
Chapter Two: The Girls Talk ‘Terrible Things’
Addison tries to ignore them, but they wave her over and really, it would be rude, not to allow Izzie Stevens to drag her over to the table, currently occupied by Meredith and Cristina.
“Hey Addison,” Meredith smiles.
She looks around behind her and warily sits, “Hi.”
“Erm ok, this is awkward,” Cristina observes, shoving a handful of crisps in her mouth and chewing loudly.
“Well I just,” Addison fiddles with the edge of the lab coat, “Yep, awkward.”
“Definitely, awkward,” Izzie repeats.
The all turn to stare at Meredith.
“I did a terrible thing,” is all she says, picking at the crust of her sandwich.
Cristina hits her on the arm, “Snap out of it Grey, I told you, we all do terrible things.”
“But I mean, this was really terrible,” she responds, and Izzie nods. Addison just tries not to look very, very confused.
“Really very terrible,” Meredith continues, “He won’t even sit with us now, because I’m here. I broke George; I’m a terrible terrible person.”
“You um, broke George?” Addison lifts an eyebrow.
“They had clumsy and uncomfortable sex and she cried,” Cristina explains flatly.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh!” Meredith agrees, staring at her hands, “I did a terrible, terrible thing and I am a terrible terrible person.”
“We all do terrible things Mer,” Cristina repeats, “Come on guys, what terrible things have you done?”
Addison turns to stare with a forkful of food (or something from the hospital cafeteria that was halfway edible anyway) poised beyond her lips.
Meredith answers, “I slept with George.”
Addison pouts and lowers her head, “I slept with Mark.”
Izzie pipes up, “Alex slept with Olivia.”
They all turn to stare at Cristina, who looks left and right over her coffee before saying, “Um, Burke loves me?”
Chapter Three: The Girls Talk ‘Men, Who Needs Them?’
“I wish I were a lesbian,” Meredith huffs, pulling herself up onto the gurney beside Addison, who is hitting herself in the forehead with her clenched fists. Repeatedly.
Addison laughs, “I wish I were a lesbian.”
“Seriously,” Meredith twists her mouth into a shape that properly expresses her dissatisfaction, “It would make my life so much simpler.”
“I know,” the red head responds, a little red patch forming above her eyebrows, “Don’t even get me started on Derek, I just don’t understand.”
“Neither do I!” Meredith exclaims, “I mean I am trying to move on. Surely he can see that. I have Finn. Finn is wonderful. Finn is sweet. Finn is nice…”
“Finn is so close to a woman that you feel like a lesbian?” Cristina finishes her sentence, and slithers up next to Addison, “Because he makes me feel like one, he is the most feminine man ever.”
“You haven’t seen Derek’s bathroom,” Addison responds wryly, “That man has more hair products than me.”
“He loves his hair,” Meredith shrugs.
“He loves himself,” Cristina observes, “I don’t know what you guys see in him.”
“I don’t see anything him,” Meredith objects, “I’m with Finn.”
Cristina and Addison roll their eyes and turn to stare incredulously, “Right. You’re with Finn.”
“The lesbian man,” Addison grins at Cristina and resumes her assault on her own cranium.
Cristina nods, “The lesbian man.”
Meredith makes an angry noise and sticks her tongue out at Cristina. They sit in silence, pondering their own individual frustration with the males of the species.
Cristina suddenly grabs at Addison’s wrists, “Would you desist?”
They exchange a glare, until finally Addison crosses her arms, “I live in a trailer.”
Meredith and Cristina nod.
“You live in a trailer.”
“I am fabulous,” she plucks an errant strand of hair out of her face and tucks it behind one ear, studying her reflection in a painting hanging opposite them, “I mean look at me, I’m hot.”
“You’re McHot,” Cristina and Meredith answer together.
“I was probably Mary freakin’ Poppins in a past life, why… why can’t I just get divorced?”
“Well you know, Mary Poppins, divorce,” Meredith looks from one of her outstretched palms to the other, “Don’t exactly go hand in hand.”
“Why am I getting relationship advice from the woman my husband is in love with?”
“Ouch,” Meredith pouts.
“Why am I sitting here commiserating with two interns about how much my life sucks?”
“I wish I were a lesbian,” Cristina announces suddenly, “If I have to deal with Burke and his whiney emotional crap one more time,” she trails off, “I mean, I am trying to be supportive. But he doesn’t want to be supported.”
“Well you can lead a horse to water,” Addison begins.
The interns turn to stare.
“What?” she continues defensively, “All I’m saying is that I’m trying to make my marriage work, but he doesn’t want it to work. So there’s not a whole lot more I can do. You can go three quarters of the way, but he still has to meet you there.”
“And of course he never does,” Meredith sulks, “Because he’s a man and he’s too good for that.”
“He thinks his penis is as big as his wounded ego,” Cristina continues.
“Oh tell me about it,” Addison clenches her fists, “So I slept with Mark. Jesus Derek. Get. Over. It.”
“Mark was hot,” Meredith remarks.
Addison smirks, “He was.”
“Was he good?” Cristina lifts an eyebrow.
Addison smirks more, “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Mores the pity,” Meredith laments, “But Mark… Mark had all the qualities I like in a man. He was direct, to the point, interested in getting in my pants, no strings attached.”
“Yep,” Cristina presses her palms against the metal, “I’m sick of men with strings.”
Addison nods, “I’m sick of men who own trailers.”
“I’m just sick of men,” Meredith adds.
Derek saunters down the corridor and seeing Meredith and Addison, decides to stop and make friendly conversation, perhaps try and deduce whether they have been talking about him and whether he should be wary of projectiles when he comes home.
“Hey ladies,” he flashes them a smile, “How goes it?”
Addison and Meredith exchange a Look. And promptly begin to pointedly ignore his presence. He turns in exasperation to Cristina, who merely shrugs.
“We’re sitting around wishing we were lesbians,” she informs him casually.
Derek looks shocked, but can’t quite hide the incredibly sly smile than causes the sides of his mouth to curve upwards.
“Oh piss off, you pervert,” Cristina hisses under her breath.
Addison glares.
Meredith studies the floor.
He turns and walks away.
“Yeah,” Addison watches him turn the corner, “I could totally be a lesbian.”
Chapter Four: The Girls Talk ‘Bad Hair Days’
Meredith stares at herself in the mirror and groans, “Damnit, my hair refuses to do anything today. I can’t put it up, I can’t leave it down… it just won’t. co-operate.”
Cristina opens a stall door and stumbles towards the sinks.
“I couldn’t make coffee this morning,” she mumbles, still half-asleep, “Because some inconsiderate fool wrapped their car around a street lamp and we had no power. Point of the story,” she rakes her fingers through her damp curls, “I couldn’t blow dry it. Be prepared for the fro.”
“Cristina,” Meredith stares, “You hair always looks perfect. Me, we are talking about me.”
Cristina shakes her head, “I’m telling you, it looks like a fro.”
They stare at their reflections in dismay, Meredith clutching at her fringe and Cristina attempting to tame the mass that is indeed beginning to resemble pre-op Michael Jackson’s frizzy mop, the one from the Jackson Five days.
Addison interrupts their misery by crashing into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.
“Oh,” Meredith smiles, surprised, “Good morning.”
Addison drops a (very large) bag onto the bench and unzips it roughly, spilling cosmetics onto the counter top. She then says flatly, “No. It’s not a good morning.”
Cristina and Meredith exchange a sideways glance.
“Um, ok then,” Meredith continues, “It’s just what you say, you know?”
“Yeah, what’s up with you?” Cristina raises and eyebrow as Addison begins wiping the streams of mascara under her eyes and reapplying her make-up.
“I hate Seattle!” she exclaims, “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”
Meredith tries to stifle a giggle. Cristina makes a face.
“Is it raining?” Cristina inquires politely.
“Do you even have to ask?” Addison snaps, “It’s Seattle… it’s always raining. But yes, today the rain is worse than normal and Derek refused to drop me at the door so I’m soaking wet and my make-up is ruined and I hate the rain! It ruins my hair.”
She pouts at them in the mirror and takes a deep breath, “And I have surgery today. Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but things always go wrong when I have bad hair.”
“Sure, because the all powerful cosmological force that controls the universe answers to your hair,” Cristina remarks sarcastically.
Addison tosses said hair and narrows her now-perfectly lined eyes, “Yang, don’t diss the hair.”
Cristina holds up her hands apologetically, “I’m not dissing the hair.”
Addison smiles sweetly, “Good.”
Turning to Meredith, Cristina mumbles under her breath, “First the freaking juju, now the hair.”
Addison whirls around and glares, “I know it’s stupid, but coincidentally, whenever I have a bad hair day,” she shudders, “Surgeries go crap. Babies throw up on me. Nurses spread nasty rumours about my practically non-existent sex life. Seriously, whatever can go wrong will go wrong if my hair is bad. And today, my hair is definitely bad.”
It wasn’t actually. From the perspective of a neutral observer Addison’s hair looked no different to usual; it was a little wet perhaps, maybe not as smooth but nothing to complain about. Certainly not as fro-like as Cristina’s ebony curls were shaping up to be.
“Whatever,” Cristina comments, blowing her fringe out her eyes.
"Just you wait," Addison replies, "Something horrid will happen to me before 10am."
Cristina looks at Meredith imploringly, "Tell me you're on my side."
She is met with a resolute shake of the head, and a toss of the dirty-blonde curls spilling out of Meredith's pony tail, "Nope. I'm absolutely with Addison on this one. When my hair is terrible I get it sniffed in elevators and other horrible things."
"You get sniffed?" the other two women respond increduously.
"Why did I say that?" Meredith groans, "Now I have to explain don't I?"
They both nod, "Yep."
"Well, just this one day," she folds her arms and leans against the sink, "When I was having the. worst. day. ever. I got stuck in an elevator with Derek. And he sniffed my hair."
"Should I be listening to this?" Addison questions, looking slightly anxious.
Meredith shrugs, "Nothing happened. Then. Nothing happened I swear. He just... was creepy."
"Nothing happened then?"
"Nothing happened."
"Ever?"
"Um."
Cristina stares into the distance and begins to hum 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'.
"Well..." Meredith begins awkwardly.
"Something happened?" Addison nearly shrieks.
"It was an accident," Meredith replies in kind.
"See, I told you," Addison points a finger at Cristina, "I told you bad things always happen when I have bad hair."
"What the hell?" Cristina rolls her eyes, "Nothing bad happened today. You just found out about it. That doesn't make you unlucky, that just makes you slow."
"I AM NOT SLOW."
"I'M FREAKING SORRY ABOUT PROM OK? HE'S A CREEP. HE FOLLOWED ME."
"I HATE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS PEOPLE."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT," Meredith finally announces.
And they all turn to stare at each other.
"You said something happened."
"We're all having a bad hair day."
"Right," Meredith takes stock, "Well, you were already aware of the incident I was alluding to."
"Oh, prom," Addison rolls her eyes to heaven, “Yeah.”
"Whatever, I still don't believe in this 'bad hair day' business," Cristina huffs.
"Ok then, but I warned you," Addison crosses her arms across her chest.
"You were warned," Meredith agrees.
"Ok, I have been warned," Cristina says, “Are we all ready to face the bad hair day now?”
They nod.
Addison tip-toes out of the bathroom and huddles close the wall. Meredith follows. Cristina laughs at their Mission Impossible act and saunters out into the corridor.
And is promptly showered with a green substance with a brownish tinge, which smells absolutely foul.
“What the hell?” Cristina cries.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse mumbles, “It was my power protein breakfast shake.”
Addison and Meredith giggle in the corner, still nearly flattened against the wall.
“Don’t you dare say I told you so,” Cristina admonishes, “If you even think it I will kill you.”
Addison shrugs, “You have angered the gods of Bad Hair Days.”
Meredith nods ominously, “And now, you must pay.”
George chooses this moment to wander up and greet his friends. Noticing Cristina clutching at her hair in distress, he asks innocently, “Bad hair day?”
Meredith and Addison cannot contain their delight, and as they stand their cackling with glee, Cristina glares murderously. George just presses the button for the elevator and looks confused.
“Must be something in the water,” he mumbles to Derek, who has observed the final moments of the scene and is also very, very confused.
“Yep, the women in this hospital are,” the neurosurgeon shudders, “Taking over.”
George nods and tries to tug down on a particularly stubborn bit of hair that insists of sticking straight up.
Derek looks on sympathetically and raises a hand to his own head, “And to make things worse, I’m having a bad hair day.”
Chapter Five: The Girls Talk ‘The F-Word’
The elevator dings on the third floor and the doors slide open to reveal Addison studying her reflection (or all you can see of it) in the doors, looking very critical.
“Hey,” Meredith greets her and Cristina smiles.
Addison waves distractedly.
“Do you think I’m fat?” she inquires at length.
Meredith shakes her head emphatically, “No, you’re definitely not fat.”
Cristina nods, “Yeah, definitely.”
Addison turns from side to side, “Are you sure?”
Meredith crosses her arms, “Addison. Are you nuts?”
“Quite possibly,” the redhead chews on her lip thoughtfully, “But Derek made an offhand comment this morning about how much I eat,” she pauses, “Which may just be a subtle way of telling me I’m putting on weight.”
Meredith studies her own reflection carefully, “Tell me about. I’m putting on weight. Izzie’s new coping-with-loss strategy seems to include covering every available surface in my house with baked goods.”
Cristina’s eyes light up, “So I’m coming over to your place tonight.”
Meredith puts her hands on her hips, trying to judge their width, “And between the chocolate cake and the tequila, I must be getting so fat.”
Cristina groans, “Don’t say the f-word. Since Burke’s been in hospital, I’ve been a regular at the House of Wong. All the Chinese food is making my scrubs tight. And guys, they’re elastic!”
Addison rolls her eyes, “You guys are practically anorexic-looking. I don’t know what you’re worried about. Try actually having to watch what you eat to prevent you from looking like your mother.”
“Addison,” Meredith shoots her a disbelieving look, “As if you’re having any problems in the ‘hot’ department. I mean Finn is still not sleeping with me,” she gesticulates with her hands, “Maybe it’s because he’s noticed that my jeans are getting way too tight.”
“Um hello?” Addison blinks back, “I’m not exactly having the world’s hottest sex, and clearly, my husband thinks there’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Cristina reassures her, “Men don’t do subtle. If he thought it, he’d just say it.”
“I don’t know,” Addison looks sceptical.
“Yeah,” Meredith agrees, “I mean Finn? Finn can do subtle. And contrary to popular opinion,” she smirks, “He is most definitely a man.”
“We’re not fat!” Cristina declares, “None of us are fat. Stop talking about being fat!”
They all fold their arms and glare at the fuzzy reflections.
The doors open again as they clunk to a stop on the fifth floor.
They’re joined by a wary looking Derek.
He nods, “Doctor Yang, Meredith, Addison.”
They mumble a collective response.
“Who died?” he jokes.
They all turn to stare.
“We’re in a hospital Derek,” Addison snaps, “That’s really not funny.”
He looks bewildered, “Are you mad at me?”
Addison shakes her head, then nods vigorously, putting her hands on her hips.
“What the hell did I do?” he looks worried and looks to Meredith then to Cristina for some hint of what his unnamed indiscretion might be.
“You said the f-word,” Cristina yawns, looking bored and impatient with him for being so slow, “Or implied it. You’re not allowed to do that. It’s against all the rules of male and female interaction.”
He tilts his head to one side, “The f-word?”
“Fat,” Meredith supplies as Addison shuffles into the corner and sulks.
“I didn’t call you fat,” he exclaims.
“Do you think I’m fat?” his wife looks up and pouts.
“Oh, good idea. I need a second male opinion,” Meredith looks up hopefully, “Do you think I’m fat?”
Cristina glares, “Um yeah, me? Am I fat?”
Derek looks positively mortified.
“I can’t get out of this can I?” he asks rhetorically.
“You think we’re fat!” they cry in unison.
Meredith looks disappointed. Addison looks crestfallen. Cristina just looks mad.
“No!” he retorts, “I never said that.”
“You certainly implied it,” Addison narrows her eyes, “And I hope you realise that you’re sleeping on the couch.”
“You’re not fat!” he protests, “None of you. You’re all perfectly normal.”
“Normal?” Meredith squeaks, looking even more upset than before.
“Women!” he throws his hands in the air, “I can’t say you’re all attractive because then Addison will be pissed off at me for noticing and you’ll all think I’m a perve. I can’t say nothing because then you’ll assume that I think you’re fat. I can’t win.”
“Nope,” Cristina shakes her head, “You’re pretty much screwed.”
“You think I’m attractive?” Addison twists a strand of her hair around her fingers, smiling shyly.
“You think we’re attractive?” Meredith echoes, looking similarly charmed.
Derek clutches at his hair, “Is that a trick question?”
“Just say yes,” Cristina advises, “And don’t say the f-word.”
LINK TO CHAPTERS 6-10. BECAUSE EL-JAY SAYS THE POST WAS TOO BIG. :(